“My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” by T. Hornung

“My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” by T. Hornung

I’m not going to take the usual, secular, left wing feminist standard here (for one thing, I’m right wing and don’t always agree with secular feminists), where I’m supposed to say a woman’s sexual history is not a boyfriend’s business, or the boyfriend should not be upset by his girlfriend’s sexual past, and say, “Rah rah, women’s sexual freedom.”

I am forever amazed that “sex positive” feminists, whether they are men or women, assume that their previous sexual choices should not, or will not, have any consequences upon them or the people around them.

Some of us are more “serious” about sex than other people – sex actually means something to us, so yes, we find it troubling, and I suppose this is doubly so, if we are virgins over 35 years of age, and have to grapple with the fact that our current partner has had sex with other people in the past.

Continue reading ““My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” by T. Hornung”

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“‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ [Book] Told Me to Stay Pure Until Marriage. I Still Have a Stain on My Heart” – Regarding: Dating Book by Author Josh Harris (with other related links about the IKDG book) and Criticizing “Purity Culture”

“‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ [Book] Told Me to Stay Pure Until Marriage. I Still Have a Stain on My Heart” – Regarding: Dating Book by Author Josh Harris (with other related links about the IKDG book) and Criticizing “Purity Culture”

August 24, 2016 update: I added a new link at the bottom of this post: people continue to attack the idea of sexual purity by publicizing backlash against the Harris IKDG book.


I myself have never read the IKDB book, which was written by Harris. I have read about the book on other sites in the past, and it is my understanding the book discussed how to date, and other such topics, and is not strictly about sex or virginity.

The author uses this review of the IKDG book to bash “purity culture,” and in so doing, touches on the topic or staying chaste until marriage.

I am in the middle of this debate. I cannot completely agree with all the critics of “purity culture,” depending on what they are criticizing about it and why.

I believe that the Bible teaches both male and females are to sexually abstain until marriage, so I don’t believe in tossing out this teaching all because some young women feel they have been hurt or oppressed by it.

On the other hand, how some Christians have taught about sexual purity has been lop-sided – males are typically not addressed, only females – and Christians could do a better, or more sensitive job, in how they present the concept of remaining a virgin until marriage.

With that introduction, here is the link, with some excerpts (and note, I am not in complete agreement with all views in this piece; however, I’m not a supporter of a lot of Christian dating advice. Christian dating advice tends to act as an obstacle to singles who want to someday marry):

(Link): “‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ told me to stay pure until marriage. I still have a stain on my heart

Excerpts:

July 27, 2016

In 1997, Joshua Harris published “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” a book that was in part a warning about the harm that relationships before marriage could cause. Harris evoked images of men at the altar bringing all their past partners with them into the marriage to reinforce the point that love and sex before marriage took pieces of your heart and made you less.

At the time, Harris was just 21, but he was already a rising star.

…He [Harris] was what we, as young evangelicals, wanted to be. And so we strove passionately to attain the ideal of premarital purity he laid out for us. Now, almost 20 years later, even Harris appears to be questioning whether his advice did more harm than good.

…But Harris’s book was hugely influential.

…On the surface, I am a purity-culture success story: I am a heterosexual woman, a virgin until marriage, now with two small children and a husband I deeply love. We attend church. We believe in God. And yet, for me, the legacy of purity culture is not one of freedom but one of fear.

On Not Filtering Every Choice Through the Bible

On Not Filtering Every Choice Through the Bible

This is one of those topics I’m working my way through right now. Maybe a year from now, my opinion will flip on it. But here is where I am now.

I was first made aware of this post from John Piper’s “Desiring God” web site via someone posting to SCCL Facebook group.

Here it is:

(Link):  How to Drink Orange Juice to the Glory of God by John Piper

Excerpts:

  • I said that one of my reasons for believing this comes from 1 Corinthians 10:31. “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” I asked, “Is it sin to disobey this Biblical commandment?” Yes.
  • …Some of you then asked the practical question: Well, how do you “eat and drink” to the glory of God? Say, orange juice for breakfast?
  • ….Orange juice was “created to be received with thanksgiving by those whobelieve the truth.” Therefore, unbelievers cannot use orange juice for the purpose God intended—namely, as an occasion for heartfelt gratitude to God from a truth heart of faith.
  • But believers can, and this is how they glorify God. Their drinking orange juice is “sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer.”

Yes, it’s an entire post explaining why and how Christians may drink Orange Juice to the glory of God.

This is a part of Christianity that I am glad to leave behind. In my faith crisis of the last few years, there have been some advantages to ceasing turning to the Bible as an authority in decision-making in life in every area.

Continue reading “On Not Filtering Every Choice Through the Bible”

I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture) – Provides Yet Another Reason to Ditch the Equally Yoked Teaching

I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture) – Provides Yet Another Reason to Ditch the Equally Yoked Teaching

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  • I would not be surprised if (Link): my Blog Stalker, John Morgan, still visits my blog (and sometimes my Twitter account) and steals links and story ideas to blog on at his blog. He’ll probably swipe the following story I found and feature it on his own blog.

—————————————–

I did not see an author’s name on this. It just says “Anonymous”

I have a few comments below this long excerpt:

(Link): I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture)

  • by Anonymous
  • May 27, 2016
  • I can’t even talk to my sister or some of my closest friends about it because they all still think I’m a virgin, living my life of purity for the Lord.
  •  ——–
  • I was raised in an almost cult-like Southern Reformed Baptist church. I was told that sex was wrong, lustful thinking was wrong, and basically anything that involved sex before marriage would send me straight to hell. It wasn’t until last year that I had the first physical step of courage to go against my upbringing and risk losing everyone around me to do what I thought was right and okay as a woman — not what I was told by evangelical men.

  • ….The church taught us that sex was one of the cardinal sins. Once defiled, always defiled. Women could not make decisions without a father or husband to do it for them, and how would we earn a husband if we were not pure?
  • They trained the young girls in our church, myself included, that we should live and die to find a husband. Education was fine, as long as it contributed to getting a husband. “Be fruitful and multiply” was the mantra.

  • I went along with this. It was all I knew, and I had no mother figure to tell me otherwise. As I grew older, though, I grew indignant of my small amount of options.

  • They told us to find a husband within the church, one who was “equally yolked,” but no man in the church chose from the church. They left the church to find wives and left a congregation of deserted and bewildered home-schooled hearts. Yet they were applauded for their fine, godly choices in women. Meanwhile, the women of the church were left to rot.

Continue reading “I Waited to Have Sex Until I Was 26, And Now I Can’t Have an Orgasm (by a Woman Raised in Christian Purity Culture) – Provides Yet Another Reason to Ditch the Equally Yoked Teaching”

Virginity is a Sacred Choice, Not a Shameful Status by C. Martin / Giving Sex to a Man is Not A Relationship Lasting Guarantee Contra Comic Chelsea Handler

Virginity is a Sacred Choice, Not a Shameful Status by C. Martin / Giving Sex to a Man is Not A Guarantee for a Lasting Relationship – Contra Comic Chelsea Handler

The following blog post contains strong profanity in places and some frank sexual talk.
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Not that I object to this editorial per se, but it’s being carried by the same site (a pro-life site) that (Link): usually denigrates female virginity – because they put too high a premium on people pro-creating, and if a woman is remaining chaste, she is, in their opinion, in sin, or error or some sort, for not having sex and making babies, because supposedly, a woman’s only purpose in life is to make babies (even though the Bible no where teaches this concept).

But here is a guest editorial they are featuring where the author is defending a person’s right to sexually abstain, and it’ okay.

(Link): Virginity is a Sacred Choice, Not a Shameful Status by C. Martin

Excerpts:

  • by C. Martin
  • Our society is obsessed with talking about sex, regardless if you’re having it or not. Take for instance the recent March (Link): cover of People magazine, which featured the title, “Bachelor’s Sean & Catherine, Waiting for Our Wedding night.”
  • To make things a bit clearer, they added below the title, “No sex until ‘I do.’” The cover may intrigue those who scratch their heads, wondering in earnest why anyone would (gasp) wait to have sex.

Continue reading “Virginity is a Sacred Choice, Not a Shameful Status by C. Martin / Giving Sex to a Man is Not A Relationship Lasting Guarantee Contra Comic Chelsea Handler”

Can Someone Really Be a ‘Born-Again Virgin?’ by L. Borreli

Can someone really be a ‘born-again virgin?’ by L. Borreli

I do not support the term or concept of “born again virginity” as I’ve explained in a few previous posts, such as (Link): this one, so I shall not belabor that point here.

(Link): Can Someone Really Be a ‘Born-Again Virgin?’ by L. Borreli via Medical Daily

Excerpts:

  • Is it really possible to become a “born-again virgin” through spiritual and surgical routes?
  • The Social Construct of Virginity
  • The (Link): social construct of virginity will most likely not disappear. People define virginity by what it means to them and what works in accordance to their morals and values. However, the most common definition of virginity for heterosexual women is whether they have had penile-vaginal intercourse.
  • According to (Link): The Kinsey Institute: “Losing one’s virginity is a physical act, whether or not a woman notices any blood from her vagina. The reason why some women bleed when they first have sex is because a thin layer of tissue called the hymen covers part of a woman’s vaginal entrance.”
  • It is believed when a woman has sex, the hymen tears and she may begin to bleed a bit. However, some women don’t have much of this tissue to begin with, or have tissue that has been torn from using tampons, from masturbation, or from being fingered by a partner. This is why looking for blood on the sheet or going to the doctor is a poor way of determining whether or not a woman is a virgin.
  • Born-Again Virgin: What Is It?
  • According to Dictionary.com:
  • “Revirginzation is the process of a sexually active person attempting to regain virgin status by abstaining from sexual relations, esp. during the time just before marriage; also called secondary virginity, revirgination.”
  • UrbanDictionary defines being a born-again virgin like this:
  • “More than a year between sexual relations, with anyone else.”
  • But, how did this label come to be?
  • The concept of born-again virginity started to be embraced in the 1990s and early 2000s as abstinence education took root in public schools.

Continue reading “Can Someone Really Be a ‘Born-Again Virgin?’ by L. Borreli”

Ramifications of Pre Martial Sex – Sky Diver Husband; Also: Stereotypes About All Men Wanting Sex Constantly and Being Visually Stimulated Disproven Again

Ramifications of Pre Martial Sex – Sky Diver Husband; Also: Stereotypes About All Men Wanting Sex Constantly and Being Visually Stimulated Disproven Again

This is a continuation of a theme I posted about earlier:

(Link):  Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

I’ve found a similar story, which I’ve linked to below.

The woman who wrote this seems to really regret or have issues with the fact that her now spouse, Chris, was once in love with, had sex with, or felt passionately about an old girlfriend whom she refers to as “Pippa“.

The wife who wrote this found an old video tape of her husband kissing his ex girlfriend many times while on a hot air balloon ride, back when he was single and still dating around.

The wife now compares herself and life stage to the ex girlfriend’s physical appearance, life, etc.

Another thing I noticed about this woman’s story: as this woman stepped up her sexual game after having watched the video of Chris with Pippa, and by stepping up her game, I mean, by acting and dressing like a slut, her husband was not that interested, not in sex, and he told her he actually found her constant Sex Kitten shtick (including dressing like a porn star and offering him sex every single day) to be a TURN OFF.

Why do I point this out?

Because it’s a stereotype among Christians (and Non Christians) that men always want sex, sex, sex and MORE SEX. Men supposedly think about sex ALL THE TIME and CAN’T GET ENOUGH SEX, no sir.

Christian preachers are constantly assuming (judging by their sermons, blogs, pod casts, etc.) that married women are asexual, cold robots and would rather bake muffins, and pursue other stereotypical, non-sexual, girly pursuits and hobbies, than have an orgasm.

Hence, Christian preachers frequently remind married women in their “five ways to a better marriage” sermons that all men are supposedly visually stimulated and all men want sex all the time, so that wives should look like hookers and “put out” at least ten times a week.

But here we have another example of a husband who does NOT want sex ’round the clock and who does not get overly heated up and ‘turned on’ over seeing his wife do things such as cram her boobs upwards in a sexy, push-up bra and leave her blouse unbuttoned.

As she writes it, her husband seems somewhat disinterested in sex, to a degree, in spite of all her sexy clothing and come-ons.

(Link):  The tape that caused my marital meltdown

Excerpts:

by KATE BARRY OLIVIERO

Rationally, I knew that there was nothing wrong with this tape or its contents. Chris had plenty of girlfriends before me. He kissed them and had sex with them and shared experiences with them that I knew nothing about. I had my own tapes, just inside my head where Chris couldn’t find them.

I began to wonder if Chris looked at me now the way he once looked at Pippa. When was the last time we kissed? Like, really kissed with tongues and hands on each others necks, pulling each other closer and closer, unconcerned that our children might be watching or that one of us hadn’t brushed our teeth. Did Chris miss this flavor of passion? I hadn’t realized that I did until I held it in my hands.

…Pippa, in all her glory then, was the antithesis of me now: young, single and carefree. She spent her free time skydiving and, if I remember correctly, spent her working hours at VH-1 back when that was cool. No wonder Chris looked at Pippa in that way. When was the last time I did something that turned him on?  Last week when I snaked a clog in the washing machine? Or when I bring his cellphone to work because he’s left it on the kitchen counter?Chris never saw Pippa moan through labor. Chris hadn’t watched Pippa’s body approach menopause, her earning potential plummet and career prospects dwindle after years home with his children. In this captured moment Pippa held everything for Chris that I once — but no longer — did: hope, promise, mystery, potential.

…In the wake of finding the tape, I had become a woman on a mission, determined to make my husband lust after me with the hormones of a 25-year-old. Who cared that we have three children, a mortgage and need a new furnace?

…My pursuit intensified over the next few days and my behavior became increasingly more predatory. I was a desperate cougar, trying to lure a younger, single version of my husband into our marital bed. Short shorts, plunging necklines, lipstick. Explicit sexual offerings that were immediately shut down.

… Invitations to spend exciting weekends away from our children heli-skiing in British Columbia or scuba diving with whale sharks. Chris wouldn’t bite. The more I pursued, the less receptive Chris became, physically shying away from me and at one point locking himself in the bathroom to escape. I’d straddle Chris on the couch and he would grimace. The rejection stung. Every time Chris said “no,” I saw Pippa smile at me.

I was so hurt by his continued rebuffs, and so unfamiliar with such staunch rejection, that I eventually started to proposition Chris just to piss him off, fully aware that nothing would come of my advances.

By the end of the weekend I was depressed and Chris had had enough. We ate most of our Sunday night dinner in awkward silence. “It feels like we’re pretty disconnected,” he started, marking the first time in our eight-year marriage that Chris had addressed a concern head-on without my prodding first.

I was so pleased at his self-awareness and what this meant about our relationship that I momentarily forgot the issue at hand.“I can tell you why I’m upset,” he continued, pulling me back to reality. “You’re acting all crazy and sex-crazed and it’s making me uncomfortable.”I felt my face flush and tears fill my eyes. I was mortified. And speechless.

…“Well, it sure seems like it. I mean, what’s up with the boobs? Do you think I’m having an affair or something?”

“No, I … I don’t know what got into me. I just thought I would try something different. Be super-wife,” I muttered. Not realizing that every time I propositioned him and he said “no,” I had inadvertently criticized his manhood.

“Well, it’s [constantly dressing sexy is] not working and you need to stop. I’m not turned on. You’ve absolutely killed my sex drive [Chris the husband said to his wife].”

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Related:

(Link):  Sometimes Fornication Can Impact Another Relationship Later – One Example

(Link):  “My boyfriend was intimidated by my sexual history. So I dumped him.” by T. Hornung

(Link):  Boyfriend is insecure about girlfriend’s past (Ask Amy Letter)

(Link): Elderly Remarried Dude Hung Up Over New Wife’s Two Ex Husbands – Past Relationship Actions Can Have Ramifications

(Link): Fornication or Previous Marriages Can Negatively Impact Other Relationships Later – Another Example or Two (via Ask Amy, Hax)

 (Link):  Stop Pretending Sex Never Hurts, By D.C. McAllister

(Link):  When Women Wanted Sex Much More Than Men – and how the stereotype flipped

(Link): Slut Shaming and Secular and Christian Culture – Dirty Water / Used Chewing Gum and the CDC’s Warnings – I guess the CDC is a bunch of slut shamers ?

(Link): Christian Gender and Sex Stereotypes Act as Obstacles to Christian Singles Who Want to Get Married (Not All Men Are Obsessed with Sex)

(Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’”

(Link): Christian Stereotypes About Female Sexuality : All Unmarried Women Are Supposedly Hyper Sexed Harlots – But All Married Ones are Supposedly Frigid or Totally Uninterested in Sex

(Link):  (Article) Young People in Japan Have Stopped Having Sex – sekkusu shinai shokogun – Celibacy Syndrome

(Link): Groundbreaking News: Women Like Sex (part 1, 2) (articles)

(Link): Letter to Advice Columnist: Husband Upset That Wife Masturbates – Marriage Doesn’t Guarantee Hot Regular Sex For Both or Either Partner, Contra Usual Christian Claims

(Link): The Annoying, Weird, Sexist Preoccupation by Christian Males with Female Looks and Sexuality

(Link): Sex is Always the Solution – supposedly, according to Christian writers and preachers. (Also: Christian married men feel entitled to sex, contra 1 Corinthians 7:5.)

(Link): Atlantic: “The case for abandoning the myth that ‘women aren’t visual.’”

(Link): Women Are Visual And Like Hot Looking Men (Part 1) Joseph in Genesis Was A Stud Muffin

(Link): Ryan Gosling and Shirtless, Buff Cowboy Photos on Social Media – Yes, Women Are Visually Stimulated and Visually Oriented (Part 2)

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy – because some Christians are teachng that unmarried people are not fully human or not “whole” – preachers who teach that single people are not fully in God’s image unless they get married