Finding A Balance: Alone Time More Important For Relationships Than Dates, Survey Says

Finding A Balance: Alone Time More Important For Relationships Than Dates, Survey Says

(Link): ‘Me-time’ is more important for a healthy relationship than date nights

(Link): Finding A Balance: Alone Time More Important For Relationships Than Dates, Survey Says

Excerpt:

NEW YORK — How important is some “me-time” to you when it comes to romance? A recent survey of 2,000 Americans finds that a substantial 85% believe that being allowed ample time to themselves is key for a healthy relationship — even more so than going on dates!

 In fact, 41% said they would actuallybreak up with their romantic partner if they didn’t leave them alone from time to time.

High Schoolers Who Don’t Date Are Less Depressed Than Their Counterparts Who Do (2019) Study Says

High Schoolers Who Don’t Date Are Less Depressed Than Their Counterparts Who Do (2019) Study Says

(Link): High Schoolers Who Don’t Date Are Less Depressed Than Their Counterparts Who Do Study Says

Kirsi Goldynia, CNN
Updated 2:45 PM ET, Wed September 11, 2019

(CNN)Dating is a normal part of adolescence — and a formative one at that. Decades of research have suggested a link between romantic relationships and identity development as teenagers mature into young adults.

But a recent study published in the Journal of School Health reveals that adolescents who choose not to date fare as well as, or better than, their coupled counterparts in social and leadership skills.

They’re also less depressed.

Women Bored By Monogamy Says Study by W. Martin

Women Bored By Monogamy Says Study by W. Martin

(Link): The Bored Sex

Excerpts:

February 2019

Women, more than men, tend to feel stultified by long-term exclusivity—despite having been taught that they were designed for it.

…Marta Meana of the University of Nevada at Las Vegas spelled it out simply in an interview with me at the annual Society for Sex Therapy and Research conference in 2017. “Long-term relationships are tough on desire, and particularly on female desire,” she said.

I was startled by her assertion, which contradicted just about everything I’d internalized over the years about who and how women are sexually.

Somehow I, along with nearly everyone else I knew, was stuck on the idea that women are in it for the cuddles as much as the orgasms, and—besides—actually require emotional connection and familiarity to thrive sexually, whereas men chafe against the strictures of monogamy.

 But Meana discovered that “institutionalization of the relationship, over familiarity, and desexualization of roles” in a long-term heterosexual partnership mess with female passion especially—a conclusion that’s consistent with other recent studies.

In Which U.S. Cities Do The Majority of Single Christians – Specifically Those Who Regularly Attend Church – Live? by B. Showalter

In Which U.S. Cities Do The Majority of Single Christians – Specifically Those Who Regularly Attend Church – Live? by B. Showalter

There have been so many articles released this past week pertaining to the topics I normally blog about here, I can barely keep up. Here’s another one.

The second article below is from The Christian Post (as I said below the Tweet of this that was put out by The Christian Post: “Does it really matter since most churches do not have over 30s age singles groups and/or they insult singles for being single?”)

(Link): Single Practicing Christians Tend to Be in Big Cities – via Barna

(Link): In which U.S. cities do the majority of single Christians – specifically those who regularly attend church — live?

Excerpts:

by B. Showalter, Feb 2019

Which U.S. cities do the majority of Christian singles call home?

The majority of Christian singles tend to dwell in large East Coast cities, according to Barna.

In a study (Link): released this week, researchers unpacked how much the dating and relationship landscape has changed in the U.S. Barna has consistently tracked for many years the relationship status of practicing Christians — defined as those who attend a religious service at least once a month, self-identify as Christian, and say their faith is important to them.

Special Report: The Gamification of Courtship

Special Report: The Gamification of Courtship

(Link): Special Report: The Gamification of Courtship

Excerpts:

The gamification of courtship has gone global, from viral matchmaker shows in China to Tinder users who don’t stop swiping even after finding love.

The big picture: Apps are the new norm in dating. But the hyper-personalized and endless choices enabled by technology may actually be making it more difficult to meet “the one.”

Gamification is now built into dating:

• TV series like “The Bachelor,” China’s “If You Are the One” and Britain’s “Love Island” have played off cultural courting traditions to create popular, dramatic and competitive game shows.
• In apps, the format of swiping can intensify pleasurable chemical reactions in the brain and the “infinite scroll” persuades users to continue swiping into perpetuity.
• With almost endless options for partners, dating has become about “fast sex, slow love,” Helen Fisher, chief scientific advisor for Match.com told Axios.

Relationships Don’t Work If Salaries Don’t Match by Tyler Schmall

Relationships Don’t Work If Salaries Don’t Match by Tyler Schmall

(Link): Relationships Don’t Work If Salaries Don’t Match

Excerpts:

Before getting serious with a new partner, you may want to check their paystubs.

According to new research, relationships are incompatible if there’s a $36,000 disparity in salary.

The fascinating new statistic emerged in a new study of 2,000 single Americans examining all things dating including the role finances play when entering into a new relationship.

Respondents were asked to assess where they feel a disparity in income actually leads to incompatibility. A nearly $40,000 difference in earnings was named as the point at which such a difference in earning becomes problematic while dating.

Men Are More Satisfied By ‘Bromances’ Than Their Romantic Relationships, Study Says

(Link):  Men Are More Satisfied By ‘Bromances’ Than Their Romantic Relationships, Study Says

Excerpts:

Young men get more emotional satisfaction out of “bromances”—close, heterosexual friendships with other males—than they do out of romantic relationships with women, according to a small new study published in Men and Masculinities.

Intimate male friendships have become more socially acceptable in recent years, say the study authors, and that’s largely a good thing. But they caution that the shift could lead to weaker bonds among dating or married couples, or even reduce the likelihood of men and women pairing up at all.

Why Opposites Rarely Attract by V. Swami

Why Opposites Rarely Attract by V. Swami

(Link): Why Opposites Rarely Attract by V. Swami

Excerpt:

But it’s not just Disney: the idea that opposites attract has completely saturated the film industry – think of the neurotic comedian who falls for the free-spirited singer in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall, for example. In fact, (Link): one study found that almost 80% of us believe in the idea that opposites attract.

But a (Link): new study tracking people’s digital footprints – how they behave online – suggests this isn’t actually true in real life. And it isn’t the first time science has come to that conclusion. For decades, psychologists and sociologists have pointed out that the idea that opposites attract is a (Link): myth.

The Surprising Danger of Being Good at Your Job (The Drawbacks to Being Self Controlled, Competent, and Reliable in Relationships) by R. Sugar

The Surprising Danger of Being Good at Your Job (The Drawbacks to Being Self Controlled, Competent, and Reliable)

Even though this article originally has the word “job” in the headline, it also discusses the impact of being reliable, competent, and self controlled in a person’s dating life, friendships, and so on.

People such as myself who are sexually abstinent into their 40s have a hell of a lot of self control (obviously, I’d say). I’m also pretty disciplined at exercise and dieting and in other areas of life.

I was the reliable, competent one in my relationship with my ex-fiance’, and yes, as a result I was over-worked and grew resentful of that idiot. I ended up carrying more than my fair share of the workload.

I was also reliable on jobs I held in the past, as well as in group assignments I was placed into by college professors to the point that bosses or other team members would over-work me, take me for granted, etc.

I definitely related to this article…

(Link): The Surprising Danger of Being Good at Your Job (The Drawbacks to Being Self Controlled, Competent, and Reliable) by R. Sugar

Science confirms what high performers have known for years: It’s not easy being so competent.

(Link): A study from Duke’s Fuqua School of Business suggests that people with high self-control — the kind of people who remember birthdays, choose the salad instead of the fries, take on extra projects at work, and resolve conflicts easily — might actually pay a price for those virtues.

“People always talk about how having high self-control is a good thing,” says researcher Christy Zhou Koval, a Ph.D. candidate and first author on the study, which was published in this month’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. And in many ways, it is a good thing: “Go-getters get what they go after,” she points out. “They’re better at goal pursuits. They make very good relationship partners.”

They’re also better-off financially than their less-disciplined peers; they tend to be in better health, and they generally have higher-quality personal relationships.

But all that comes at a cost: High-self-control people, the researchers found, end up burdened by their own competence.

In All Likelihood, You Are Ruining Sex For Your Lady, by A. Maloney

In All Likelihood, You Are Ruining Sex For Your Lady, by A. Maloney

(Link): In All Likelihood, You Are Ruining Sex For Your Lady, by A. Maloney

Excerpts

More than half of men regularly make one mistake in bed that could be ruining their love life.

A new sex survey found that men who bolt the minute sex is over are killing the joy for their partners.

Turns Out That the Husband’s Job Is Probably the Best Predictor of Divorce

Turns Out That the Husband’s Job Is Probably the Best Predictor of Divorce

(Link): Turns Out That the Husband’s Job Is Probably the Best Predictor of Divorce

Excerpts:

The predictors of divorce, however, remain mysterious. But in a (Link): new study published in the American Sociological Review, Harvard sociologist Alexandra Achen Killewald has found that the things that increase the probability of divorce — as they relate to work, at least — have changed over the past couple decades. It turns out that the amount of money that either the husband or wife makes isn’t that important: For contemporary couples, the biggest determinant is whether the husband is working full-time.

One Way to Make First Dates Just a Little Less Painful by C. Romm

One Way to Make First Dates Just a Little Less Painful by C. Romm

(Link):  One Way to Make First Dates Just a Little Less Painful

Excerpt:

• In both cases [in the study], cooperation was higher — the subjects shared their money more often, or settled the hypothetical strike more quickly — if both members of the pair had eaten the same thing first, a piece of knowledge that’s worth tucking away for your next awkward meal: “Consumers can be strategic in the food they consume,” the study authors wrote, “utilizing food as a social lubricant when eating dinner on a date or when out for lunch with a colleague.” Your date might not order exactly what you want, but sometimes, it’s better to ignore your cravings and take any help you can get.

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Related Posts:

(Link):   Is Dating Worth It? by A. Schwartz (Re “Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating” book by Weigel)

(Link):  Why “Netflix And Chill” Replaced Dinner and A Movie – Dating in 2016

(Link): Are We Dating Wrong? by J Smith

Woman Book Author – Andrea Tantaros – Suggests That Single Women Are Miserable And Can’t Get Husbands Because Feminism. My Critique of Her Article / Book

Woman Book Author – Andrea Tantaros –  Suggests That Single Women Are Miserable And Can’t Get Husbands Because Feminism. My Critique of Her Article / Book

(This post has been edited to add several new comments and a link or two)

Aug 2017 – (Link): Author Claims Andrea Tantaros’ Book About How Feminism ‘Made Women Miserable’ Was Ghostwritten by a Man

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If you are new to my blog: I am right wing, I don’t agree with most secular feminism, but I do think secular feminism is correct on a point here or there.

This article I link you to farther below is about a book a woman wrote (I believe she is right wing), and it reads like one of those “blame feminism” type works. The book is by Andrea Tantaros, and its title is “Tied Up in Knots: How Getting What We Wanted Made Women Miserable.”

I have not read the book; I have only read the author’s article about the book, which you see linked to farther down the page. I take it that her article is a sort of preview about what one can expect to see in the book.

This article argues that most women got what they wanted (via feminism), and they are miserable as a result: they are not getting men. Women want marriage and are not getting married. The women want to have great careers, but they also want a manly- man who will marry them and sometimes take care of them; they want a partner to share life with.

How My Wild Sex Drive Killed My Marriage – review by L. Crocker of book by R. Rinaldi

How My Wild Sex Drive Killed My Marriage – review by L. Crocker of book by R. Rinaldi

I’ve read an article about this woman’s book (“The Wild Oats Project”) before. I may have blogged on it a few months ago.

Her story makes me want to barf. She made a mockery out of her first marriage.

One problem or area of weakness I have seen with Christian teachings on sexual purity (in which I include virginity and celibacy) is that if or when Christians bother to defend or promote sexual purity anymore (they seldom do these days), is that they tend to emphasize it only for singles who are teen-agers to about their mid-20s in age.

Anyone past age 25 or 30 who is sexually abstaining is ignored by Christians in regards to sexual purity encouragement or teaching.

Married couples are usually ignored in Christian sexual purity teachings as well, although every other testimony I see on Christian blogs and television is about married couples who are porn addicts, or one partner is cheating on the other with other sexual partners.

Note in the story below that sexual behavior has consequences. It can sometimes end in negative ramifications for yourself and/or your partner.

At one point, this review says that Rinaldi goes on about how much she enjoys penises and finds them beautiful, and that she enjoys sticking them in her mouth. Warning here for any men reading: the vast majority of women do not like penises or find them beautiful.

Rather, most women think penises look horrible or ridiculous, and most do not want to perform oral sex on men.

Most women don’t enjoy looking at penises and do not enjoy (Link, off site: Should You Send A Lady A Dick Pic) getting “dick pics” on dating sites, or anywhere else.

Christians – if bothering to support virginity at all these days – will tell singles that if they wait until marriage to have sex, the wait will be worth it, because the sex will be (this is their favorite phrase in this area of discussion) “mind blowing,” and it is implied by these Christians that married sex will be regular and frequent.

What this book shows that I am blogging about here is that after several years, plenty of married couples find their sex lives to be hum-drum, routine, and boring, not “mind blowing.”

Some of these spouses are fine with routine, boring sex, but the other partner in the relationship may get bored and tired of it. That is why some of them seek out affairs or weird, kinky sex moves with each other.

One of the few positive things I can say about the revolting information and story in this review about this book is that it lays to rest some secular and Christian stereotypes about female sexuality.

Here is a long excerpt from the review:

(Link): How My Wild Sex Drive Killed My Marriage – Review by L. Crocker

• Robin Rinaldi wanted to spice up her marriage by having sex with other people—which ended up bringing a lot of heartbreak, and destroying her relationship.

• Forty pages into her new memoir, The Wild Oats Project, Robin Rinaldi has mined every modern female anxiety: fear of being alone; boredom in monogamy; a ticking biological clock; a husband who doesn’t want children; a marriage devoid of passion.

  Rinaldi loves her husband, Scott, and has been with him for 17 years. He never wanted children, and when Rinaldi begs him to reconsider, he responds by getting a vasectomy.

  With no hope of having a family and desperate to feel passion that had long ago flickered out in her relationship, Rinaldi—then 44—negotiates an open marriage that permits both to see other people for a year.

  They jokingly refer to it as the “Wild Oats project.” She lays out ground rules—“no serious involvements, no unsafe sex, no sleeping with mutual friends”—and proceeds to break them all within a few months.

  … She advertises for hookups on Craigslist and Nerve.com (Tinder didn’t exist yet) and sleeps with men half her age…

  … Rinaldi’s husband is, for the most part, a saint. He frequently entreats her to quit the project and work on their marriage. He is patient and loving when she refuses, and reneges on his threats to leave her when she collapses in tears at his feet.

Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others by L. Howe

Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others by L. Howe

This is one very long article. I am not going to paste all of it here, so you will have to use the link if you want to see the whole thing. It’s on The Atlantic’s site.

(Link): Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others by L. Howe

• Part of it depends on whether they believe personality is fixed or constantly changing.

• It’s a question that often plagues people after a painful break-up:

• What went wrong? As they work to figure out the answer, people typically create new relationship stories, analyzing the events leading up to the breakup and using them to build a cohesive narrative.

• In some cases, this type of storytelling can be positive, helping people to make sense of—and come to terms with—painful things that happen to them. Other times, though, the storytelling process can be a negative one, compounding pain rather than easing it.

• My colleague Carol Dweck and I research why some people are haunted by the ghosts of their romantic past, while others seem to move on from failed relationships with minimal difficulty. Over the course of our research, I’ve read hundreds of personal stories about the end of relationships, and these stories offer some clues as to what pushes a person into one group or the other.

Why and How Romantic Relationships Stay Together or Fall Apart – “Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity”

Why and How Romantic Relationships Stay Together or Fall Apart – “Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity”

I found this article very interesting. It’s kind of long, but IMO, worth the read.

Parts of this article explain how couples can fail to encourage one another, or fail to give the sort of encouragement one partner needs, or how one partner may insensitively dismiss something, like an accomplishment, the other is excited about – all things I discussed in my previous posts about my ex fiance (Link): here and (Link): here. (That section is farther below, under the “Shared Joy” subheading.)

(Link): Masters of Love “Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity” by E E Smith

Excerpts:

• “Disaster” couples showed signs of being in fight-or-flight mode in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.
• …Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work.
• I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.
• John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other.
• With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had.
• As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.
• But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.
• Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.