Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage by Andrew J. Bauman and Taylor May

(Link): Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

Excerpts:

by Andrew J. Bauman

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like to be used by him with her Church’s consent.

*Trigger warning for those who have suffered this type of betrayal trauma.


I’ve written about the pornographic style of relating here (PSR), but today we will hear from the perspective of a woman who has lived on the other side of this dynamic.

Many people have been talking about this with the release of this new book [Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life by Gary Thomas] and some of its disturbing implications.

How can we talk about what these women are experiencing, and what can we learn from them?

Taylor May has offered her story and her experience below. My hope is that this can begin to clear up the muddy waters of what it means to live a Christlike marriage in a deeply pornified world.


by Taylor May

I didn’t realize how a pornographic style of relating was so deeply embedded into my first marriage until I was firmly planted into my second marriage.

That’s when I began to see the impact my first husband’s issue with lust had on my new, much healthier relationship.

Let me tell you my story, and how I and countless other women feel when our significant others lust for other women, on-screen or off.

Those of us who grew up in the evangelical Church have been told that we are responsible for men’s lust issues. This lie has been perpetrated by the church for far too long.

Many men are leading our church conversations with 90% of pastors being men, and considering that nearly 50% of those pastors self-report having used pornography, it would make sense that they would try to gaslight women by minimizing the destructive nature of porn use.

One way they do this is by framing it as a women’s issue or a sex issue, rather than the objectification of women/sin issue–one that stems from the person doing the objectifying.

Continue reading “Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage”

Imagine a Future Without Sex by James Lee

Imagine a Future Without Sex by James Lee

(Link): Imagine a Future Without Sex by James Lee

Reproductive technology may lead us to realize too late that being human is better than playing God.

…. All this creates unprecedented ethical challenges in the immediate future. Consider the parents who use IVF to raise their children’s IQ.

If the children repeat the process for another generation, taking advantage of scientific advances during the interim, they could bring the total average gain in the grandchildren north of 10 points—a huge gain.

That advantage could be big enough to give the grandchildren radically disproportionate representation at the highest levels of science, finance, information technology, medicine, law and business.

Continue reading “Imagine a Future Without Sex by James Lee”

Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue (book discusses erroneous, sexist Christian views about women and how this hinders sex – among other issues)

Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue (book discusses erroneous, sexist Christian views about women and how this hinders sex – among other issues)

I’ve read quite a bit about this “Sex Rescue” book, and it covers a lot of the topics I’ve been covering on this blog literally for years now.

Christians – especially the gender complementarians – operate under a faulty assumption that only men like and want sex, while women do not – so most of their sex lectures and sex material gives all sorts of sexist, awful advice, or tells Christians that women only have “emotional needs,” while women’s sexual preferences are never raised. 

Every pastor I’ve ever heard sermonize about the topic just tells men to occasionally cater to their wife’s emotional needs, but they don’t bring up what a woman may want sexually.

The Christian assumption is that all men are sex-crazed horn dogs, and the wives are obligated to have sex with their spouses, even if they are sick or not in the mood, etc.

I’ve discussed all that on this blog for years (and more), and this book apparently also discusses such issues.

(Link): Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue

Excerpts:

by Rachel Joy Welcher
June 3, 2021

The Great Sex Rescue sets out to correct harmful and unbiblical teachings on sex and marriage—specifically those messages perpetuated by the evangelical church and popular Christian books.

Not only that, it presents a way forward for couples who have suffered from these messages; a path that is guided by scripture and selfless love. 

…Sheila Wray Gregoire, along with her daughter, author and psychology graduate, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and epidemiologist and statistician, Joanna Sawatsky, bravely tackle these harmful teachings, with a high view of marriage, God’s plan for sex, and for scripture.

You may not agree with every conclusion or piece of advice, but this is a resource we need as we continue to deconstruct unbiblical teachings on sex, purity, and marriage. 

Welcher: It is clear from your writings that you care about female sexual flourishing; that you don’t want women left behind in marriage.
In The Great Sex Rescue, you cite example after example from popular Christian books where male sexual pleasure in marriage is prioritized and women are discussed merely as vehicles to accomplish this, rather than as equal sexual partners.
Why do you think the mutuality of sexual self-giving in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:4–5 has largely been ignored in Christian writings and teachings on marriage?
Were you able to trace this idea to a specific book, era, or misinterpretation of the passage?

Gregoire: Let’s talk numbers: women buy the books, and men don’t. I’ve read that 74% of nonfiction relationship books are bought and read by women.
Why don’t men buy these books? Men often don’t feel the same societal pressure to fix relationships, while men are also discouraged from thinking about their feelings very much. Continue reading “Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue (book discusses erroneous, sexist Christian views about women and how this hinders sex – among other issues)”

How Evangelical Teachings Ruin Sex and Marriage For Many Women by L. Blair

How Evangelical Teachings Ruin Sex and Marriage For Many Women by L. Blair

Some of the issues discussed in this article and in her book are ones I’ve brought up on this blog over the years.

There is so much hypocrisy in Christianity, usually hypocrisy that works out in favor of men and to the detriment of women, especially in “gender complementarian” teachings.

Some of these teachings about marital sex, or marriage generally, can be directly or indirectly derogatory towards single, celibate adults (e.g., some Christians teach that having sexual intercourse is “necessary to know God,” while some preachers teach that to fulfill your purpose in life, you must marry.)

Here is the article about the book:

(Link): How Evangelical Teachings Ruin Sex and Marriage For Many Women

Excerpts:

By Leonardo Blair, Christian Post Reporter 

Evangelical blogger Sheila Wray Gregoire doesn’t care if her critics want to brand her a feminist. She wants the Church to know that “sex is for women too,” and ignoring that point can ruin sex, orgasms and marriages for women. 

New research shows that many evangelical women are unsatisfied in the bedroom due to some evangelical beliefs, and that’s the big takeaway Gregoire wants readers to get as she stages a scholarly intervention in her new book, The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended. 

Continue reading “How Evangelical Teachings Ruin Sex and Marriage For Many Women by L. Blair”

Dear Therapist: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex Anymore

Dear Therapist: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex Anymore

~INTRODUCTION (the letter from the sexless marriage lady to the therapist is below)~
Even today, some Christians run around (from what I’ve seen online) making this bogus promise that if people just wait until marriage to have sex, that the sex will be great, and it will be regular.
(This is something Christians did back in the 1980s and 1990s, and they are still doing this today in 2021 – maybe not as much(?), but it definitely still happens on occasion.)

A lot of Christians (and secular conservatives) shame and insult adults who do not have children. They have this false Gospel that The Nuclear Family will save mankind – as in culture, a nation, etc (parenthood and marriage are also included in this).

Well, every so often, I see people write in to advice columnists to say they are in sexless marriages, and quite a few of them say they are unhappy being in a sexless marriage.

Even more interesting is that many of those writing in to the columnists are WOMEN.
As in, these women like sex and want to be having more sex, but their husband, for whatever reason, is totally not into having sex.
Why mention this? Because a lot of idiot Gender Complementarian Christians have this false stereotype that women don’t want sex – they think only men want sex.

Just keep all that in mind as you are reading this, and please check out the links at the bottom, under “Related Posts.”

(Link): Dear Therapist: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex Anymore

Excerpts:

by L. Gottlieb
June 22, 2019

“I miss the closeness we had before our baby was born.”

Dear Therapist,

[Woman writes in to say she and her husband had a great romance, and after a few months, moved in together. They were engaged, married about two years later, and she got pregnant]

….Our sex was always good before I got pregnant. When our baby was born, my husband had postnatal depression and I had to keep everything together. I was finding it hard inside, but just had to act strong for the both of us. That really put a strain on our marriage.

Our beautiful baby boy is now 15 months old and we never have sex. Our son has just started to sleep through the night, and I think we have gotten so used to taking care of our son at night and not having sex that now it feels so awkward.

Continue reading “Dear Therapist: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex Anymore”

Platonic Marriages Are A Thing (And They Are Not New) by K. Zapata

Platonic Marriages Are A Thing (And They Are Not New) by K. Zapata

(Link): Platonic Marriages Are A Thing (And They Are Not New) by K. Zapata

(original article is (Link): here)

Excerpts:

…While there are various types of relationships and forms of marriage out there, one type has garnered a lot of attention as of late: the platonic marriage. Why? Because it seems the next generation is seeing the benefit of loving and being. Of finding friendship, companionship, and meaning.

“Today some people are taking their friendships a giant step further,” a recent article on the New York Times explains. “They are platonically marrying each other, vowing to never leave each other’s side for better or for worse.”

“Couples in this type of arrangement often find compatibility and understand each other well, while also agreeing to the guidelines [of marriage] without being blinded by romantic feelings,” the article goes on. “Many of these relationships… begin because the couple wants their family life separate from their romantic lives, as they don’t find their romantic lives to be stable.” Continue reading “Platonic Marriages Are A Thing (And They Are Not New) by K. Zapata”

Nearly 1 in 10 Women Find Sex Painful, Study Finds

Nearly 1 in 10 Women Find Sex Painful, Study Finds

But Christian complementarians don’t care!

How do I know? Because in years past, any time I’ve seen male pastors or male Christians discuss sexuality issues on Christian shows on television, they’ve denoted that if a woman has “hang ups” about sex (because she was previously raped or sexually abused at some point in her life, even in childhood) – that is preventing her husband from having sex whenever he wants – that she should go see a therapist and get over it already.

These male pastors and male Christians convey that the married woman who has difficulty with sex in marriage because she is still dealing with past sexual trauma (i.e. rape or sexual abuse) needs to just shove it aside so she can have sex with her husband, because her husband is really horny and wants sex (again I must ask: have men, even Christian ones, never heard of masturbation?)

The emphasis with men, even Christian ones, is not the feelings and needs of the woman, but how the selfish ass hat men can get any and all the sex they want from their wives, their wives needs and concerns be dammed.

So I have no reason to believe that the sexist d-bags of the Christian world such as but not limited to Mark Driscoll, John Piper, John MacArthur, Pat Robertson, et al, would care if “one in ten women experiences pain during intercourse”

(Link): Nearly 1 in 10 Women Find Sex Painful, Study Finds

Excerpts:

by D. Steingold

Being intimate is an important part of keeping a healthy relationship, but for some women, there’s nothing enjoyable about it. According to a recent British study, nearly one in 10 women find sex to be painful.

Continue reading “Nearly 1 in 10 Women Find Sex Painful, Study Finds”

Husband Takes His Own Life ‘Because of Lack of Sex’ and His Wife Is Arrested

Husband Takes His Own Life ‘Because of Lack of Sex’ and His Wife Is Arrested

This sounds like both a Christian gender complementarian nightmare AND a dream.

From the male complementarian perspective, it would be a nightmare to live without sex because the sexist douche bags (i.e., Christian complementarians) are entitled and have no concept of self sacrifice, self control, nor have any of them heard of masturbation.

The “dream” part is the notion that their wife would be imprisoned or put to death for having refused to “put out.”

This is the nightmare AND dream of sexist jackasses such as, but not limited to, Douglas Wilson, John Piper, Owen Strachan, Al Mohler, and Mark Driscoll.

(Link): Husband Takes His Own Life ‘Because of Lack of Sex’ and His Wife Is Arrested

Geeta Parmar has been arrested in Gujarat, India, after her mother-in-law blamed her for the death of husband Surendrasinh, who reportedly took his own life last month

The grieving widow faces charges in India following a criminal complaint by the man’s mother.

Continue reading “Husband Takes His Own Life ‘Because of Lack of Sex’ and His Wife Is Arrested”

‘I Prefer Cleaning My House Than Having Sex’ -various women talk about how they prefer house cleaning to having sex

‘I prefer cleaning my house than having sex’

(Link): Meet four women who prefer cleaning the house to having sex with their partners

CLEANING is the new sex – that’s what Jessie J says, anyway.

The Do It Like A Dude singer, who is in an on-off relationship with Magic Mike actor Channing Tatum, said: “Cooking, organising and sex are my favourite things, in that order.”

The 31-year-old said tidying was her “love language”, and she’s not the only celebrity who has taken to this new kind of clean living.

Continue reading “‘I Prefer Cleaning My House Than Having Sex’ -various women talk about how they prefer house cleaning to having sex”

Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage by K. Borresen

Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage by K.  Borresen

Before I give you the link to the article, I wanted to say…

I’ve mentioned this before in my years of blogging here and will continue to mention this, but: the Christianity I grew up with in the 1970s to the 1990s emphasized that if a person just sexually abstained until marriage, that married sex would be great and frequent.

We were also taught by Christians, especially of the complementarian variety, that only men want and “need” sex, while all women supposedly hate sex and have to be convinced through those frequent, annoying, male-entitled sermons by sexist idiot male Christians, that wives should put out more for their husbands, because God supposedly “wired” men to want sex more (which is a lot of crap).

At any rate, almost all examples I have on my blog of sexless marriages (and yes, even Christians can end up in sexless marriages), are of  married WOMEN who say they MISS sex and aren’t having any because their HUSBAND (for whatever the reason) does not want to have sex.

This goes to reveal that conservative and complementarian assumptions about men and women’s sexuality is completely incorrect.

This below, from Huffington Post, is quite long, so I will not be copying the entire piece to my blog, only a few excerpts.

(Link): Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage

Excerpts:

Coping with rejection, frustration and low self-worth can take a toll on both partners in the relationship.

By Kelsey Borresen
11/08/2019 02:59pm EST

When a couple stops having sex, it doesn’t just affect things in the bedroom — it often puts a strain on the entire relationship.

If both partners are content with little to no sex, then those dry spells (which are (Link): quite common, by the way) may not pose a problem. But in relationships in which one or both partners value their sex lives, a dead bedroom can bring up painful emotions, fears and resentments that just push them further and further apart.

Continue reading “Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage by K. Borresen”

Woman Almost Dies From Allergic Reaction After Sex With Husband by S. Osbourn

Woman Almost Dies From Allergic Reaction After Sex With Husband by S. Osbourn

Sometimes there are advantages and benefits to being sexually abstinent.

…And let this go to show that the Christian propaganda that marriage will lead to great, regular sex is a FALSEHOOD. Christians especially liked to emphasize that remaining a virgin until marriage leads to great, regular sex.

Well, in cases such as this one (and others I have on this blog), sometimes a person is physically incapable of having sex, because doing so is too physically painful – or impossible.

(Link): Woman Almost Dies From Allergic Reaction After Sex With Husband

Samuel Osborne, The Independent •
November 8, 2019

A woman nearly died from an allergic reaction after having sex with her husband,

The 46-year-old from Baltimore, Maryland, suffered an anaphylactic reaction to a medication her husband was taking through exposure to her husband’s semen, according to the case report in the American Journal of Medicine.

Continue reading “Woman Almost Dies From Allergic Reaction After Sex With Husband by S. Osbourn”

Woman Who Has Sex With Her Husband Just Once a Year Due to Suffering Excruciating Pain During Intercourse

Woman Who Has Sex With Her Husband Just Once a Year Due to Suffering Excruciating Pain During Intercourse

This isn’t the first example on my blog of a married person incapable of having sex due to physical health problems or due to having been sexually abused prior to marriage or what have you.

A lot of Christians – usually conservative ones who have turned Marriage and The Nuclear Family into idols – wrongly promise single adults that if they wait until marriage to have sex, that the married sex they will have will be regular, hot, satisfying and wonderful.

In all my years growing up in such Christianity, I never once heard any of the preachers or Christian talking heads address issues such as what to do like the one below.

About the only time I’ve heard Christians bother to address such issues (and that’s been within the last ten or so years), they wrongly assume that only men want sex (they never address the marriages where the husband doesn’t want to have sex but the wife does).

If Christians bother to address female sexual abuse victims (who were molested as children and who are adults now) who don’t want to have married sex, their only response is to insensitively shame and pressure such women into having sex they don’t want to be having.

Because these Christians who do this – and it’s usually men – wrongly believe that all men are entitled to sex, and Christian men care more about men’s sexual desires being met than they care about ministering to wounded women.

Anyway, let this news story below go to demonstrate that being married is not a guarantee that an individual will have great, regular, wonderful sex. Sometimes the married sex is infrequent and/or it’s lousy.

(Link): Woman Who Has Sex With Her Husband Just Once a Year Due to Suffering Excruciating Pain During Intercourse

Excerpts:

October 2019

A woman who experiences excruciating pain during intercourse has revealed she only has sex with her husband once a year. 

Natalie Bricker, 35, from Newark, Delaware, was diagnosed with persistent genital arousal disorder in 2018, a condition which causes her severe pelvic pain every time she is aroused.

Continue reading “Woman Who Has Sex With Her Husband Just Once a Year Due to Suffering Excruciating Pain During Intercourse”