‘I prefer cleaning my house than having sex’
Women Reveal What It Feels Like To Be In A Sexless Marriage by K. Borresen
Before I give you the link to the article, I wanted to say…
I’ve mentioned this before in my years of blogging here and will continue to mention this, but: the Christianity I grew up with in the 1970s to the 1990s emphasized that if a person just sexually abstained until marriage, that married sex would be great and frequent.
We were also taught by Christians, especially of the complementarian variety, that only men want and “need” sex, while all women supposedly hate sex and have to be convinced through those frequent, annoying, male-entitled sermons by sexist idiot male Christians, that wives should put out more for their husbands, because God supposedly “wired” men to want sex more (which is a lot of crap).
At any rate, almost all examples I have on my blog of sexless marriages (and yes, even Christians can end up in sexless marriages), are of married WOMEN who say they MISS sex and aren’t having any because their HUSBAND (for whatever the reason) does not want to have sex.
This goes to reveal that conservative and complementarian assumptions about men and women’s sexuality is completely incorrect.
This below, from Huffington Post, is quite long, so I will not be copying the entire piece to my blog, only a few excerpts.
Coping with rejection, frustration and low self-worth can take a toll on both partners in the relationship.
By Kelsey Borresen
11/08/2019 02:59pm EST
When a couple stops having sex, it doesn’t just affect things in the bedroom — it often puts a strain on the entire relationship.
If both partners are content with little to no sex, then those dry spells (which are (Link): quite common, by the way) may not pose a problem. But in relationships in which one or both partners value their sex lives, a dead bedroom can bring up painful emotions, fears and resentments that just push them further and further apart.
Sometimes there are advantages and benefits to being sexually abstinent.
…And let this go to show that the Christian propaganda that marriage will lead to great, regular sex is a FALSEHOOD. Christians especially liked to emphasize that remaining a virgin until marriage leads to great, regular sex.
Well, in cases such as this one (and others I have on this blog), sometimes a person is physically incapable of having sex, because doing so is too physically painful – or impossible.
Samuel Osborne, The Independent •
November 8, 2019
A woman nearly died from an allergic reaction after having sex with her husband,
The 46-year-old from Baltimore, Maryland, suffered an anaphylactic reaction to a medication her husband was taking through exposure to her husband’s semen, according to the case report in the American Journal of Medicine.
Woman Who Has Sex With Her Husband Just Once a Year Due to Suffering Excruciating Pain During Intercourse
This isn’t the first example on my blog of a married person incapable of having sex due to physical health problems or due to having been sexually abused prior to marriage or what have you.
A lot of Christians – usually conservative ones who have turned Marriage and The Nuclear Family into idols – wrongly promise single adults that if they wait until marriage to have sex, that the married sex they will have will be regular, hot, satisfying and wonderful.
In all my years growing up in such Christianity, I never once heard any of the preachers or Christian talking heads address issues such as what to do like the one below.
About the only time I’ve heard Christians bother to address such issues (and that’s been within the last ten or so years), they wrongly assume that only men want sex (they never address the marriages where the husband doesn’t want to have sex but the wife does).
If Christians bother to address female sexual abuse victims (who were molested as children and who are adults now) who don’t want to have married sex, their only response is to insensitively shame and pressure such women into having sex they don’t want to be having.
Because these Christians who do this – and it’s usually men – wrongly believe that all men are entitled to sex, and Christian men care more about men’s sexual desires being met than they care about ministering to wounded women.
Anyway, let this news story below go to demonstrate that being married is not a guarantee that an individual will have great, regular, wonderful sex. Sometimes the married sex is infrequent and/or it’s lousy.
A woman who experiences excruciating pain during intercourse has revealed she only has sex with her husband once a year.
Natalie Bricker, 35, from Newark, Delaware, was diagnosed with persistent genital arousal disorder in 2018, a condition which causes her severe pelvic pain every time she is aroused.
‘My Wife and I Had Great Sex For 45 Years, But Now I’d Like to Sleep With Men’ – So Hetero Marriage is Responsible For Creating More Homosexuality
Obviously, a lot of conservative Protestant, Baptist, and evangelical and secular conservative talking points and propaganda about the nuclear family and marriage are not truthful or accurate.
Here we have a married guy who has been married to a woman for 45 years, but now, he’d like to have sex with men (see link/letter much farther below).
Your average conservative Christian would have you believe that marriage makes people more godly, mature, and ethical.
Those marriage and nuclear family conservative and Christian advocates would have you believe that once you marry (they always assume you will marry, they usually take no notice of adults who remain single over the age of 30), that you’ll be having sex with your spouse, and that the married hetero sex you have will be regular and of great quality.
Obviously, this man being discussed below who is married to a woman didn’t make him any less reluctant or less interested in having sex with other men.
It’s become apparent with each year I get older and see more and more news stories and advice columns like this one, that being married is not, contrary to what most Christians teach and believe, a guarantee for sexual satisfaction in life, nor does it guarantee happiness or make a person better or more godly, responsible, or mature.
It’s also evident that Marriage and The Family are not going to fix the culture, as so many talking Christian heads keep arguing.
And, another kicker that I find even more annoying and amusing in light of this article / advice column below:
A few years ago, I saw an editorial or two where the conservative or Christian authors were blaming heterosexual single adults for the seeming proliferation of homosexuals in our culture, or for the widespread acceptance of homosexuality.
Those conservative commentators were trying to blame Hetero singles (yes, heterosexuals) for homosexuality becoming more commonplace in the USA. (You can read one of those posts (Link): here.)
But here we have a letter from a Hetero married guy who wants to be Homosexual. This is not an un-married man. He is not already homosexual. He was married TO A WOMAN and yet STILL wants to engage in homosexual sex acts.
Obviously, adult singles of the Hetero (or Homo) variety did not “cause” this guy to go LGBT – he’s already married to a woman and by his own account had been having hetero married sex for 45 years… and yet, he wants to have sex with other men. Singleness and single adults can in no way be blamed for this.
By STOYA and RICH JUZWIAK
SEPT 05, 2019
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 68-year-old man who has been married to a woman for 45 years, with three grown kids.
Over the course of our marriage, we have been very active sexually, but for various reasons over the past five or six years, our sexual activity has declined dramatically.
Why a Woman’s Sex Life Declines After Menopause (Hint: Sometimes It’s Her Partner) By T. Parker-Pope
By Tara Parker-Pope
A revealing new analysis gives voice to the many reasons a woman’s sex life often falters with age.
For many women, sex after menopause is not as satisfying as it used to be. But is menopause entirely to blame?
New research suggests that the hormonal changes that come with menopause are only part of the reason a woman’s sex life declines with age. It’s true that many women experience symptoms after menopause, including vaginal dryness, painful intercourse and loss of desire — all of which can affect the frequency and pleasure of sex.
But the new study shows that the reasons many women stop wanting sex, enjoying sex and having sex are far more complex.
While women traditionally have been blamed when sex wanes in a relationship, the research shows that, often, it’s the health of a woman’s partner that determines whether she remains sexually active and satisfied with her sex life.
(Most studies have focused entirely on heterosexual women, so less is known about same-sex couples after menopause.)
Ask E. Jean: My Husband Will Not Shower
So much for the conservative and Christian myth that marriage makes people more mature, godly, and responsible.
How do I get the guy to be more into hygiene? I’ve tried everything!
Married People Who Use Their Spouse’s Disease or Disability to Excuse Their Adultery – an article by M. Del Russo
I have never had sex outside of marriage, one reason of several is that the Bible says that sex is intended for a man married to a woman – anything outside of marriage is fornication and is considered sin. I am now past the age of 45.
If I can maintain celibacy this long, so too can anyone else, including these people who are in marriages where their spouse is debilitated in some manner, through a physical or mental health issue.
It’s a matter of personal conviction and self control. I do not have some sort of special gifting from God that removes libido. I am not asexual.
So, do I excuse or look on with compassion at these women or men in this article who started affairs with other adults when their own spouses became ill? No, I do not. Going without sex or romance will not kill a person, and you made a vow to your partner.
As for the woman quoted below who says those in her position don’t want to burden their sick spouse with demands for sex – that is all polite and well and good, but has she never heard of masturbation? Why are so many married people under the assumption that the only form of sexual activity is “penis in the vagina”?
…But the trio’s situation scratches at a question: How do couples sustain relationships and navigate intimacy when disease or disability strikes?
Christina — who asked to be identified by her first name because of privacy concerns — says her marriage was very happy and she loves her spouse deeply, but now that his disease has progressed, she no longer recognizes the person he’s become.
‘My marriage is damaged as I can’t maintain an erection – even for a minute’
What about that Christian promise that marital sex is always hot and satisfying? I guess that is just a bunch of bunk.
So, this married couple has never heard of oral sex?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY marriage is damaged as I can’t maintain an erection – even for a minute.
It has nearly always been a problem for me, although we have managed to have two little girls.
My wife is 34 and I’m 36. Just recently it has become a whole lot worse.
Widow Whose Husband Died Sues Over ‘Loss of Sex’
So, being married does not, contra conservative and Christian propaganda I heard often while growing up, guarantee an end to loneliness (if your spouse dies), and it does not guarantee hot, steady sex.
Jamie Finnegan was left brain-damaged and passed away in 2018 after a procedure at Brisbane Hospital went wrong six years ago
By Jenny Awford
THE widow of a husband who died after a botched medical treatment is suing the Australian government for £650,000 over a loss of sex.
My Thoughts Regarding the Editorial: Sex & The Single Pastor by Rod Dreher
The following editorial by Rod Dreher is about a liberal Luthern preacher named Nadia Bolz Weber who recently had a bunch of women’s “sexual purity rings” melted down to have an artist form them into the shape of a vagina.
Bolz Weber also released a new book about sex called “Shameless.” It’s an anti-Purity Culture book.
The author of this essay, Dreher, refers readers of his piece to (Link): this page (“The Luthern Pastor Calling For a Sexual Revolution”) at the New Yorker about Bolz Weber.
I was a devout Christian for many years, and that is one reason among a few as to why I remain a virgin past the age of 45.
That’s right, I’ve never had sex – because I was waiting until I got married to have sex, but I never found the right guy to marry.
I have spent a few years blogging here pointing out how nobody but nobody respects adult virginity or celibacy.
Many conservatives and Christians mock and insult adult celibacy and virginity, not just “sex positive” feminists or liberals.
As a matter of fact, a lot of Christians (and secular conservatives) view marriage to be the norm, and as something that can “fix” society, so they shame or insult anyone who remains single past the page of 30, whether that singleness is due to choice or circumstance. (I have examples of this sort of thing in older posts on this blog.)
‘I Almost Drove My Car Off A Bridge Because Of The Strain of Having a Family’
I’m not exactly anti-marriage or anti-family, but.
However. I am tired of how other conservatives or how 99% of Christians “hype” marriage, children, and “the family” to the point they act as though everyone should get married and have a kid, and if you do not, they suggest or state point blank, that you have failed culture and society, and you’re a big Loser. Christians especially behave as though getting married and having a kid is a commandment from God (it is not).
Being married and being a mother did not bring happiness to this lady.
And notice how this lady says that she and her husband didn’t have sex for a year.
I bring that up, because one teaching I heard or saw a lot in Christian sermons or books when I was a kid growing up is that if one remains a virgin until marriage, that God will reward you and your spouse with regular, “mind blowing” sex. The reality is, a person can remain chaste but then end up having lousy sex in marriage, or none at all.
Aimee and Davin Bradley, both 35, were at each other’s throats for the first three years of their daughter’s life
By Hayley Richardson
HAVING a baby can feel like the icing on the cake for some couples but for others the strain of starting a family can push them to breaking point.
Aimee and Davin Bradley, both 35, were at each other’s throats for the first three years of their daughter Autumn’s life and didn’t have sex for a year.
Woman arrested AGAIN for battering man who declined to have sex with her…
It’s usually men who react violently to sexual rebuffs or dating rejection, but in this case it’s a woman.
Second time Floridian, 31, busted after sex advances were spurned
NOVEMBER 26–A Florida Woman battered her boyfriend after he “said no and went back to bed” after she “grabbed his genitals wanting to have sex” on Thanksgiving night, cops say.
Rebecca Lynn Phelps, 31, was arrested for domestic battery following a confrontation in the Tampa-area home she shares with the victim and the couple’s child.
By Claire Williams
Some 18% of respondents under the age of 30 have had sex fewer than 10 times in the past year, a survey of 2,000 people on websites Mumsnet and Gransnet has found. Among all ages, the figure was 29%. We meet three couples who, while madly in love, fall into this category.
“Our lack of sex life at the moment is down to me,” Amanda, 35, tells the BBC’s Victoria Derbyshire programme.
“I’m so tired all the time because my job is full on and it’s full on at home. It’s like my libido is tired.”
Mary The Married Christian Says She’s Been in Sexless Marriage for 17 Years
The woman’s letter to Pat Robertson of The 700 Club show is towards the end (video embedded at bottom of this post) – it’s like the 2nd letter below.
Mary says her marriage has been sexless for 17 years now. She says her husband could care less about sex. She wants to know if this is normal or not.
Which is rather funny, since most Christians tell people if they just stay sexually pure until they marry that once they marry, their married sex life will be great, hot, regular, and fireworks will go off.
My Husband Caught Me Masturbating, and It Led to Our Divorce by Jane Doe
And some Christians, especially in their dating or martial advice books, would have you believe that if you just wait until marriage to have sex, that you’ll always have great, regular sex. Not so…
as told to CAYLIN HARRIS
Sure, it’s awkward being walked in on. But how my husband responded was what shocked me the most.
… Over time, though, our sex life changed. And by that I mean it became nonexistent. What once was us having sex at least a few times a week turned into one or two times a month, if I was lucky.
He grew more emotionally distant and had trouble getting aroused, and while I knew he was dealing with a lot of financial stress at work (and I was bringing in less money due to my job switch), he never wanted to have a conversation with me, or even see a doctor.
Why Doesn’t Your Husband Want to Have Sex? by E. Bernstein
May 12, 2018
Despite the conventional wisdom, sometimes it’s the man who loses sexual desire
Contrary to conventional wisdom, sometimes it’s men who first lose sexual desire in a long-term relationship, a new study finds.
Men’s desire for sex can be as tricky as women’s, according to researchers at the University of Kentucky.
Men often lose interest when they feel insecure, when they worry they are losing autonomy in a relationship, or when physical changes cause embarrassment. Pressure to be the initiator compounds the stress.
Thoughts on the NRO Essay “Advice For Incels” by Kevin D. Williamson
About me and this blog:
If you are new to my blog: I have been a conservative my entire life. I’ve never voted Democrat. I was a Republican until a few years ago. I am no longer in any political party.
I sometimes critique secular, left wing feminists on my blog (such as but not limited to (Link): this post and (Link): this one), but there are times when I believe other conservatives get feminists wrong, and feminists are actually correct on some issues.
I was brought up in a traditional values, conservative, Christian family where my parents brought me to Southern Baptist churches as I was growing up, where I was taught to believe in gender complementarianism, which I did for many years, until I finally realized how (Link): wrong and sexist complementarianism is.
Because I grew up as a complementarian, I am quite familiar with what they think and why they think as they do.
My current religious beliefs are somewhat “up in the air,” as I am waffling between being agnostic, (or a deist), and the Christian faith. (Note: I am not an atheist.)
I am by no means anti- Nuclear Family, anti- motherhood, or anti- marriage, though I do posit that many to most conservatives – especially the religious ones – have gone to un-biblical lengths and have turned the Nuclear Family, marriage, natalism, and motherhood and fatherhood into idols which is wrong of them.
— end introduction to me and this blog —
I saw a link to this essay go through my Twitter feed today:
(Link): Advice for Incels by Kevin D. Williamson
On one level, this essay – “Advice for Incels” was okay.
However, I think that while the guy who wrote it has his heart in the right place, I think he gets a lot of things wrong and is naive about how Baptist and conservative Protestant and evangelical churches are for adult singles.
I’ve spent the last several years on this blog covering these topics – I’d encourage Williamson and anyone who read his NRO piece to read the books (Link): “Singled Out” by Field and Colon and “Quitting Church” by Christian author Julia Duin for even more information.
Dr. David Ley, author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, tells Romper, “I take the tact that it’s incredibly important for people in a marriage to have shared sexual values, levels of desire, or the ability to negotiate this within the relationship. Things are fine when both partners have similar sexual interests and the frequency of sex meets both their desire, but, when that changes, or there’s a discrepancy, most couples don’t know how to negotiate or manage it.”
If you and your spouse have different views of sex and how it relates to marriage, it matters. This can definitely bleed into other areas of your life if you feel unfulfilled or even unwanted by your partner. It’s gutting to your self esteem and difficult to recover from.
An Editorial That Misses the Mark: More Women Have Joyless Sex Than You Think by Amy Wax
I saw this really long article on The American Conservative site – the link to it, “Women Having Joyless Sex” is towards the bottom.
Here is the comment I left on their page, though I don’t see it published (okay, I later broke up my response in chunks, and their site says this is in moderation):
What a long-winded article. I read quite a bit of it but grew bored and skimmed over the remaining.
Anyway – towards the end of it, the author seems to be suggesting that it’s okay, good, or acceptable that women in stable, committed relationships (such as marriage) have sex when they don’t really want to.
I somehow doubt we’d see the reverse sentiment if the genders were swapped out.
I cannot imagine any writer, male or female, lecturing husbands that they should go ahead and have sex with their wife, even if they, the husband, is not in the mood for it, or, to persist in having bad or unsatisfying sex with their wives.
Too bad that too many people keep sort of defending or promoting this idea that women cannot or should not decide for themselves what to do with their bodies or their own sexuality.
Lastly, please, please do not quote Mark Regnerus, as you did in this essay above.
Regnerus is a Christian sociologist who has (Link): actually made the perverted argument in some of his online essays (which were repudiated by other Christians) that he thinks because marriage rates are declining, that Christian single women should go ahead and marry Christian men who are known porn users or known porn addicts.
There are a lot of Christian single women for whom a man viewing porn is a deal breaker, as is their right.
Women get to choose what they will and will not accept in a man they date or marry – but Regnerus, like a lot of my fellow conservatives – is so obsessed with promoting marriage that he’s turned marriage into an idol and will say or do anything to pressure or guilt trip single adults into marrying anyone.
Regnerus and other Christians mistakenly act as though singleness is a disease that needs to be cured.
This is in spite of the fact that the Bible says God honors singleness (see 1 Corinthians chapter 7).
God does not command every one marry, or say that he, God, views singleness as being “less than” marriage.
Nor does God prescribe marriage as a “cure all” that will “fix” a society, contrary to Mark Regnerus, Al Mohler, and other Christians who have deified marriage and denigrated singleness.
// end my comment on their page
As I said, this is a very long editorial. I skimmed most of it.
There were a few parts I may have agreed with, but I did not agree with all points:
(Link): More Women Have Joyless Sex Than You Think by Amy L. Wax
….The problem might be sex without desire, or it might not. Even if the sex feels libidinous, the lack of emotional content can still make hooking up distressing.
If women are having sex that doesn’t bring much pleasure, or that is not the result of “ordinary motives” or “ordinary feelings” — whatever those might be— we shouldn’t be surprised that the rhetoric of sexual assault on campus is a confusing mash-up of labels and charges that are almost impossible to keep straight.
Some social conventions do better than others at protecting women from sex they don’t desire and really don’t enjoy.
One might take the position—as I do—that society and the campus culture currently do too little in this regard, especially for adolescents and young women, while at the same time recognizing that completely eliminating sex without desire from all women’s lives is not only impossible, but might sometimes come at too great a price.
Surely there are better and worse such encounters, and better and worse societies for minimizing the harms that can flow to women from this experience.
Some of the middle-aged women in The Bitch is Back tell us they don’t experience a sexual frisson from every intimate encounter in their lives.
The same seems to go for the overwhelmed young mothers who complain on the Internet.
Although these women may not feel sexual excitement at the moment, they sometimes do it anyway.
Unlike the girls who hook up, they do it for love, or out of gratitude, or as a gift, or to preserve something enduring, lasting, and valuable. In many cases it is a marriage that they seek to preserve, a mostly loving relationship that is central to their lives.
But when college women play the hook-up game, what are they trying to preserve or achieve?
They want male company and attention, and that’s the only way to get it. It really shouldn’t be that way.
/// end excerpts
Her editorial is extremely long, and I found it mind-numbingly boring.
You can click through using the link above to read the entire thing should you wish.
She seems to think women in marriages have to or should put up with lousy sex, and that’s okay, because it helps to preserve a marriage or some such nonsense, and she further feels that crappy, unrewarding sex for a married woman is somehow morally superior or something as compared to teen girls who have crappy, unrewarding sex with campus boys. I don’t agree. I think all of that is equally bad.
In trying to argue against casual sex (“hook up culture”) my fellow conservatives manage to deliver some sexist assumptions about women and dismal views about adult singleness, none of which I find acceptable.
Trying to argue your way against false rape charges or hook up culture should not be done in such a way you’re also arguing that it’s acceptable for women to have to feel they must put up with crappy marital sex, or that being married is a preferable state of life (to imply in the reverse that singleness is for losers, or worse for culture).
(Link): Male Christian Researcher Mark Regnerus Believes Single Christian Women Should Marry Male Christian Porn Addicts – another Christian betrayal of sexual ethics and more evidence of Christians who do make an idol out of marriage