Being Single is Hard by E. Lindsay

Being Single is Hard by E. Lindsay

This was first brought to my attention by zolemica2 on Twitter. I appreciate her passing this along.

This was certainly a page I related to.  The author definitely captures some of the hypocrisy that married people engage in.

(Link): Being Single is Hard by E. Lindsay

Excerpts:

…If you’re single, and you complain about being single, you’ll normally get some advice about learning to accept yourself before being able to be with a partner. The current model is work on yourself, “improve” yourself, when you’re alone then when you are sufficiently “un-broken” you will be able to attract a mate.

To admit that you’re unsatisfied being single is almost like an admission that you’re not ready to be in a relationship; if you’re not “complete” when you’re alone, you’re not worthy of a partner.

…[The author took all that advice and took on self-improvement.] But, I don’t think it made me any more datable.

Continue reading “Being Single is Hard by E. Lindsay”

Celibate Christian Woman Asks Christian Host Why God Will Not Send Her a Husband

Celibate Christian Woman Asks Christian Host Why God Will Not Send Her a Husband

A couple of days ago, I saw this episode of The 700 Club.

A celibate Christian woman wrote Pat Robertson this question –

And her question is one all Christians avoid: they just scream at a 20 year old today to MARRY NOW NOW NOW!

They have no advice and no encouragement to give any adult over 35 who wants to be married but still finds him or herself single.

The usual Christian response is just to shame this lady for supposedly not having done enough to marry when younger, in spite of not knowing her background, or what she did to try to marry – Christians just arrogantly ASSUME if you are not married past a certain age, it is all your fault, and there were no mitigating circumstances.

So here’s her question to Pat, host of The 700 Club:

  • Dear Pat,
  • The Bible says that it’s better to marry than to burn with lust, but what about someone like me who can’t find someone to marry?

Continue reading “Celibate Christian Woman Asks Christian Host Why God Will Not Send Her a Husband”

Complementarian Churches and the Single Adult Woman by J. Dyer

Complementarian Churches and the Single Adult Woman by J. Dyer

This is a page by a woman in her mid 30s who thought she would have been married by now but still finds herself single. She describes how the gender complementarian churches she has attended don’t minister to adult single women properly.

She also notes in this page how following all the usual Christian dating advice has not worked – she’s tried it all and is still single; this is a phenomenon I’ve blogged about before.

(Link): Complementarian Churches and the Single Adult Woman by J. Dyer

Excerpts:

  • …But it [meeting a spouse at church] didn’t [happen]. Well-meaning friends told me all manner of things about how God must be teaching me something (it appears I’m a slow learner). Or–my favorite–if I could just delight in the Lord, when I least expected it, God would bring “the man” into my life.
  • Churches often try to tell women how to be women without considering the whole range of God-inspired possibilities. There will always be outliers to the model they create.

Continue reading “Complementarian Churches and the Single Adult Woman by J. Dyer”

Women Are Still Being Told To Lower Their Standards / Stupid Sh*t People Say to Singles by S. H. Weiss

Women Are Still Being Told To Lower Their Standards / Stupid Sh*t People Say to Singles by S. H. Weiss

One thing the author of this page brings up is something I have as well: women are just as visually oriented as men are and do care about what men look like. However, women are conditioned by secular society and religious groups to think they should not care about a man’s physical attractiveness.

Women are conditioned to look past a man’s ugliness to consider his other traits – is he smart, financially stable, and so on.

Now, I do think some people are in fact way too judgmental or picky regarding physical appearance in dating or whom to marry.

But, on the other hand, there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to date or marry someone you consider attractive. I don’t think people of either gender should be super picky about looks, but it’s okay to have some preferences or standards.

The woman who wrote this says she caught some guy she knew lying in his dating site profile – he was 35 years old but claimed on his dating profile he is 25 or 30 years old. She asked him why he lied about his age.

He claims it’s because he wants to start a family and a woman in her 20s is guaranteed to be fertile.

First of all, women in their 40s (and 30s) still menstruate and get pregnant, so you don’t need to marry a 20 something to have babies. Some women in their 20s are childfree or infertile.

Secondly, as I noted before, I advised single women who read this blog to lie on their dating site profiles about their ages, to make themselves younger than they are.

As so many men are this very shallow and particular about age in a woman (many of them have a cut off age of 29, while for others, it’s about 35), go ahead and cite yourself as being 20 or 30 something on your profile if you are over 40 and want dates.

The worst thing that will happen once the guy gets to know you after he meets you via a dating site is that he will decide to stop dating you. Big whoop.

I have seen or read about a lot of men ages 45 and older who lie about their ages on dating sites. I’ve had guys who are obviously 65 or older (they have all white hair) who contact me on dating sites, who claim to be 41 or 42 years old. Men lie out the ass about their ages (and their height, according to other women) all the time on these sites.

(Link):  Liberated Shmiberated!: Women are Still Being Told to Lower Their Standards (& it’s messed up!) by S. H. Weiss

Excerpts:

  • February 2016
  • …It is Traister’s message that I would like to share with the women I have spoken with lately, women who feel they need to defend themselves to others about why they are not married, why they are not “just settling down already” and why they are “being too picky.”
  • The women I speak of range from early 30s to early 40s. Some of them have never been married, while others were married briefly. A third of them are divorced and have children. The one thing these friends have in common is that they all say that are not “single by choice.” They express the desire to find their perfect life partner.
  • ..However, there are Yentas everywhere, some well-intentioned and others questionably motivated. This is especially true for those who are part of a tight-knit or religious community (ranging from the Mormons to the Modern Orthodox Jewish).

Continue reading “Women Are Still Being Told To Lower Their Standards / Stupid Sh*t People Say to Singles by S. H. Weiss”

Eight Pieces of Christian Dating Advice that is Keeping Me Single. by Nina Borum – from Stuff Christians Like.net

Eight Pieces of Christian Dating Advice that is Keeping Me Single. – from Stuff Christians Like.net

(Link):  Eight 8 pieces of Christian dating advice that is keeping me single. by Nina Borum

Excerpts:

  • ….but I have taken all the advice below and find that I am still single.
  • 4. God’s timing is perfect.
  • Is it? According to abcnews.com women lose 90% of their eggs by age 30.
    Chop Chop Jesus. Chop Chop.

Continue reading “Eight Pieces of Christian Dating Advice that is Keeping Me Single. by Nina Borum – from Stuff Christians Like.net”

Five Unhelpful Things Singles Are Tired Of Hearing by R. Duncan / Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends by K. Wilkinson

Five Unhelpful Things Singles Are Tired Of Hearing by R. Duncan / Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends by K. Wilkinson

There is also a link below to “Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends”

(Link): Five Unhelpful Things Singles Are Tired Of Hearing

Excerpts:

  • by Ryan Duncan
  • Life as a single adult (Link): can be difficult. Life as a single Christian, on the other hand, can be just plain exasperating. While never short on community, single Christians often find themselves bombarded with well-meaning, but unhelpful advice from their married peers.
  • In response, (Link): Krysti Wilkinson of Relevant Magazine decided it was time to compile a list of things you should never say to your single friends. Coupled with a few of my own favorite gems, here are five things your single friends are tired of hearing.
  • “Wow, You Must Have So Much Free Time!”
  • “This is usually an attempt to point out the silver lining. But this sometimes implies that your single friend’s schedule, and life, must be empty (and void of anything meaningful) when there isn’t a significant other in it. True, those of us who are single have just one person’s schedule to keep track of instead of two, but there are so many other important parts of our days that have nothing to do with our love lives.”

Continue reading “Five Unhelpful Things Singles Are Tired Of Hearing by R. Duncan / Eight Things You Should Never Say To Your Single Friends by K. Wilkinson”

What Not to Say to Single Women in the Church by L. Anderson

What Not to Say to Single Women in the Church by L. Anderson

There were maybe one or two points I don’t see eye to eye on in this, but I agree far more than I disagree with this page.

I really like pages like this page. The author so gets it. But then, it was composed by a 38 year old never married woman. Never married adults past 35 GET IT.

(Link): What Not to Say to Single Women in the Church by L. Anderson

Excerpts:

  • by L Anderson
  • 1. “Stop Thinking About Marriage, and When You Least Expect It, It’ll Happen.”

Continue reading “What Not to Say to Single Women in the Church by L. Anderson”

Lame Advice from Christian Publication “Relevant” on What To Do When You Are Single

Lame Advice from Christian Publication “Relevant” on What To Do When You Are Single

First of all, the sub heading of this article from Relevant is something like, “A bucket list of things to do before you marry.” Who says everyone is going to get married? I’m in my early 40s, heading into my mid 40s, and I may never marry.

Christians: stop assuming everyone will marry, even the Christian women who desire marriage and pray for a husband daily – some Christians go to the grave never having married because God never sent them a spouse.

Shut up with the “Things to do until you are married,” or “tips on how to live life while you are single,” type editorials, since they have the underlying assumption that everyone will get married, or married by age 30. Some people never, ever marry, even including the women who seek marriage, go on dating sites, and pray for a spouse.

Here is an excerpt from that page on Relevant:

    4. Get Involved With Church

    Along with the time with friends, connecting at church is much easier to commit to when you’re single. I’m currently helping out with my church’s children’s ministry and love that I can dedicate as much time to it as I do. I’m usually free for the extracurricular events outside of Sunday mornings, too, so I try to help out with those as often as possible.

    It can be easy to feel down about how open your schedule may seem without weekly romantic dates to go on, but it’s so fulfilling to use this season of life to invest in others.

Gee, fellow adult single (who must only be about, what, 22 years old, see me again when you’re 40 years old), thanks for upholding a stereotype that all singles have loads of free time – we don’t.

If anything, we adult singles have less free time than the marrieds do because we don’t have a partner to split up chores with.

As to this writer’s suggestion to go work in the church’s kid ministry?

I do not like being around babies, kids, and teens, but churches won’t let me, a single childless woman, to serve in any other area.

Church members often incorrectly assume that ALL women are CRAZY FOR and WILD ABOUT and CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF babies and children.

Churches almost always “shoe horn” single, childless ladies into baby ministry. I am a single, childless woman, and I emphatically do not want to work around or for babies, toddlers, kids or teens, or college aged kids.

One clear proof that marriage and motherhood are NOT God’s “only” or “best” role for women is the fact that some women totally lack an interest in either or both!

I have never been “kid crazy.” I never really cared strongly if I had a kid or not (if I did, it would have to be after marriage and by age 35.)

I just do not care about kids, in that, I see baby photos, and 99% of the time, I don’t feel anything about the kid or the photo of the kid.

Most women will look at a baby photo and the maternal side kicks in: ‘Awww, what a cutie!’

-Me? Nope. Nothing. There are some child free women who are even less interested in children and babies than I am.

If it were true that God’s “best” role for women was to be mothers, I would guess that he would have clearly instilled a huge maternal instinct and longing into every woman ever born, but that’s not the case.

Go hang out on forums, Twitter accounts, and blogs for Child Free women, and you will see many women (and men too) who are just not the least interested in children, and some down right loathe and despise babies and kids.

I tagged this post with the word “infertile” because a lot of these same churches that assume all women are wild for babies forget that some women desperately longed to have a baby of their own, but are infertile, continually had miscarriages, married a guy who didn’t want kids, or did not marry until much later in life and their fertile years had passed. Even these women get brow beat into serving in the kid’s section at church, which has to feel like a knife to the gut to them.

Reader reaction to the lame Christian advice for singles, from the Facebook group SCCL:

Link: Source

Samples:

Re: Relevant Magazine, “9 Things to Do While You’re Still Single, A Bucket List For Before You Tie The Knot”

Comment by…

Cori Slepp
as a single 24 year old woman, i honestly found this article/list super lame. or maybe i’m just already “good enough” at being single. but either way, i try to be open minded when reading this kind of stuff but nope. this was useless

Mike George
Get involved with the church because you are single. Single people tend to have more time ??? Boo, this is one is one of the reasons I left the church

Amber McCullough
Sounds good in theory, till you get there and all the married people treat you like you have the plague. At least the single women. Any other single women visit a church and as soon as you spoke to a man, his wife would appear at his elbow and white-knuckle his biceps?
[see meme at bottom of this post]

Continue reading “Lame Advice from Christian Publication “Relevant” on What To Do When You Are Single”

Four myths about sex and women that prop up the new misogyny

Four myths about sex and women that prop up the new misogyny

Some of the the myths the author describes in this are some of the same ones spread by conservative Christians.

(Link): Four myths about sex and women that prop up the new misogyny

    Sorry, would-be pickup artists. There is no such thing as a “friend zone”

    by AMANDA MARCOTTE, ALTERNET

    This article originally appeared on AlterNet.

    Trading in myths and misinformation is the bread and butter of any reactionary movement, as is amply demonstrated by the various myths that prop up everything from gun nuttery to the anti-choice movement.

    Unsurprisingly, then, there’s a great deal of misinformation upholding the troubling trend of new misogyny that festers in everything from “men’s rights” forums to “pick-up artist” communities to the various rape apologists and two-bit woman haters that litter the right wing media landscape

    [Note from this blogger: the left wing also has woman-haters among them. Some of them have done things like made “rape jokes” against conservative, right wing, female politicians, such as Sarah Palin. Funny how liberal writers usually fail to acknowledge the sexism inherent in the LEFT WING].

    The tragic shooting in Isla Vista, which was committed by a young but hardened misogynist named Elliot Rodger, has shown a spotlight on this weird but influential world where ugly myths about gender and sexuality flourish.

    Here are some of those myths, some of which influenced Rodger, and why they are so very, very wrong.

    1. Evoutionary psychology nonsense.
    While the more mainstream conservative movement embraces a religious form of misogyny, the new misogyny often prefers to pretend to have a “scientific” rationale for its negative attitudes towards women.

    Anti-feminist writer James Taranto, who is not a scientist, distilled this theory in the Wall Street Journal, positing that evolution made men and women’s sexual desires complete opposites, with men trying to get away with sex with as many women as possible and women being “hypergamous,” which is the new pseudo-scientific word for “gold digger.”

    His sole evidence for this theory was a long-discredited 1989 study that showed that men were more quick to say yes to sex with a stranger.

    None of them have stopped pushing the belief that women are disinterested in sex itself, (Link): but only use it as a commodity to trade with “high status” men, since pushing this belief allows self-appointed “pick-up artists” to sell dating books and classes to men who want to learn to fake being “high status” to get more sex.

    Nor do they stop pushing the idea that men are more promiscuous than women, a self-serving myth that allows them to demand chastity in female partners while excusing their own sexual dalliance.

    In reality, men and women have roughly the same number of sexual partners over a lifetime.

    Both sexes are interested in casual sex, but men more readily agree because they both feel less likely to be violently assaulted by a stranger and are more likely to expect the encounter to end in orgasm. Nor are women programmed to be gold diggers.

    As women’s ability to make their own money has increased, there has been a decline in women seeking richer husbands. Women aren’t preprogrammed to be gold diggers, because the second they’re freed from having to chase rich men, most are happy to date men more like themselves.

    Continue reading “Four myths about sex and women that prop up the new misogyny”

Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles Especially Women Who Had Hoped to Marry and Have Kids But Never Met Mr. Right (links)

Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles (links)
——————————————
The book Otherhood: Modern Women Finding A New Kind of Happiness by Melanie Notkin is available for sale on Barnes and Noble, and other sites.

From a page about the book:

    More American women are childless than ever before—nearly half those of childbearing age don’t have children.

While our society often assumes these women are “childfree by choice,” that’s not always true.

In reality, many of them expected to marry and have children, but it simply hasn’t happened. Wrongly judged as picky or career-obsessed, they make up the “Otherhood,” a growing demographic that has gone without definition or visibility until now.

—————————————-
Disclaimer: I am not anti-motherhood, nor necessarily against people taking their mothers out to brunch on Mother’s Day.

I am, however, against the onslaught of syrupy Mother’s Day hoopla on and before the day, and the church services that honor mothers because:

  • Some people (women included) were abused by their mothers and so find the holiday awkward or painful,
  • some people had or have mothers who are/were cruel or overly-critical,
  • some people’s mothers are dead and they miss them terribly,
  • some women desire to be a mother but cannot because they are infertile, their spouse is infertile, or they are single and cannot find “Mr. Right” (and don’t believe in getting pregnant outside of marriage, or don’t feel they could support a baby alone)
  • some women choose to be child free, but feel excluded or shamed by church and secular staggering emphasis on motherhood on the holiday

Some Christians have turned motherhood (as well as fatherhood and marriage) into idols, which they should repent of.
—————————-
This post discusses “Otherhood” (women who delay motherhood for years, or who are infertile, or ones who were open to having children but who’ve not met “Mr Right,” and for whatever reason, do not want to have a child while single, but would prefer to be married before having kids)

OTHERHOOD

(Link): The Otherhood: Single women face ‘circumstantial infertility’

Excerpt

    Melanie Notkin wanted love, marriage, and then the proverbial baby carriage — in that order.

By the time she reached her early forties, the entrepreneur and author was still single and appreciated the likelihood that, despite wanting desperately to be a mother, she might never give birth to a child on her own.

Like many women her age, Notkin, 44, a Montreal native, expected to reap all the social, economic, and political equality that her mother’s generation didn’t have. At the same time, in addition to her education and her career, she anticipated a traditional family track.

In her new book, released today, “Otherhood: Modern Women Finding A New Kind of Happiness,” Notkin uncovers the personal stories of women like her, who are part of a growing demographic trend and suffer what she calls “circumstantial infertility.”

Often, people presume that when a woman like Notkin is childless, it’s probably by choice. But many of the childless women in their thirties and forties simply want to do it the “old fashioned way,” she says, and find the right relationship before making a lifetime commitment to have kids.

Continue reading “Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles Especially Women Who Had Hoped to Marry and Have Kids But Never Met Mr. Right (links)”

Get Over It says Dr Ed Young on Christian show The Winning Walk – And People Who Maybe Do Need to Get Over It

Get Over It says Dr Ed Young on Christian show The Winning Walk – And People Who Maybe Do Need to Get Over It

I watched a few minutes of “The Winning Walk” television program hosted by preacher Ed Young Sr. today. He’s a preacher based out of Houston, Texas. I believe he is Southern Baptist.

For about two or three minutes, he lectured his audience on how if something bad happened to them (or even something good, because sometimes people allow success to go to their heads), he said “don’t let that get you down.”

He yelled several times over two minutes, “Get over it! Get over it!”

If you’ve seen my previous posts, you know how much this annoys me. Please see this post:

I could only withstand watching about two minutes of Young’s “get over it” rant and had to turn the channel.

I will add a caveat, here.

I have known a few people over my life who are consistently negative about everything, or about the same two or three topics, or, they allow one or two major hurtful life events from the past define them and their attitude now – even if they were victimized many years ago.

I have listened to them complain or cry about the same problems for many years (and these people are often reluctant to listen to my problems and give me love and encouragement).

I have been very tempted to tell them on occasions where they are once more bringing up the same problem from years ago to “just get over it” but so far have bitten my lip.

I’d say most people I have known, though, do try to get out of the pain, anger, and hurt and not “camp out” in it.

I think for those people, the ‘just get over it’ message is terribly heartless, and I wish preachers would stop barking it at their audiences.

Lone Voice in The Wilderness: Lady Advises Christian Adult Singles to Mate Hunt in Church – and a few critiques of her page

Lone Voice in The Wilderness: Lady Advises Christian Adult Singles to Mate Hunt in Church – and a few critiques of her page

The following comes from a page entitled,
(Link): Dating Comeback: Meeting Singles in Church by Lori Bizzoco

I’m sure this lady means well, and I don’t mean to sound too hard on her, but there were a few parts of her page I did not agree with or thought were a little naive.

Here is one part that had me laughing (see my explanation below for why I find this funny – or naive):

    Dating Comeback: Meeting Singles in Church

    Sunday isn’t the only day when you have the opportunity to meet someone.

    Religious affiliations all across the country host organized activities for single people during the week. Most host single mixers, parties, and dances and there are usually support groups for widowed or divorced Christians as well.

    Branch out by looking beyond Sunday to meet other singles. If you’re unsure what’s being offered in your area, look in the weekly Church bulletins or give your local Parish a call.

She must be joking.

There may be some churches in some part of America that do hold adult singles functions, but there are not many.

Based on my personal experience, the blog pages for and by Christian singles I’ve read, and books about Christian adult singlehood, most churches have absolutely no ministries or classes for adult singles over 30 at all, or the ones they have consist of one or two adult singles.

Continue reading “Lone Voice in The Wilderness: Lady Advises Christian Adult Singles to Mate Hunt in Church – and a few critiques of her page”