More 40-Something Single Women Falling Prey to Dishonest or Violent Men in Dating (says report)

More 40-Something Single Women Falling Prey to Dishonest or Violent Men in Dating (says report)

I don’t know how accurate this type of story is. Sometimes the media like to report ideas and leave the impression there is a huge crisis going on, because it generates panic and makes for good click-bait and gets them more views and hits.

For example:

(Link):  When Newsweek ‘Struck Terror in the Hearts of Single Women’ – Bogus Study Said Women Over 40 More Likely To Be Killed By A Terrorist Than to Marry

This story is in a UK-based paper. I’ve no idea how common this is in the United States vs. the UK. Some of the folks who left comments below the (Link): Twitter post felt that the article is “victim-blaming.” I don’t know if I took it that way or not.

I have posted other stories to this blog before of women who were killed by men they had met online, and one story about a guy who was robbed (and I think killed) by a woman he met on a dating site (she brought her male friends with her to the man’s house, and her friends killed him – she was part of the plot). I don’t think it’s necessarily “victim blaming” to remind people who use dating sites to use caution when meeting people through sites.

(Link):  The tragic story of Helen Bailey’s murder shows how easily an unscrupulous character can fool a lonely romantic by J. S-Porter

“At 49, I met and married a man within three months. It was a disaster, and I quickly realised I’d been hopelessly naïve. Sometimes the dream gets in the way of reality”

Excerpts:

A successful middle-aged woman was murdered by a partner she trusted implicitly. Helen Bailey’s story is shocking because it reveals how little she really knew about her partner of five years. How can such an intelligent person be so oblivious to the dark side of her lover’s personality?

Continue reading “More 40-Something Single Women Falling Prey to Dishonest or Violent Men in Dating (says report)”

Study: Men Fall In Love Faster Than Women

Study: Men Fall In Love Faster Than Women

I think this study may be from 2015, but I didn’t hear about it until recently.

(Link):  Men Actually Fall in Love Way More Often Than Women, Study Shows

(Link): Men fall in love faster than women, but wait longer to say those three special words, survey finds

A survey also found that most people declare their feelings to a new partner around Christmas time

Men appear to be shier than women when it comes to confessing their love to a new partner, but get that fuzzy feeling faster than women, according to new research.

Continue reading “Study: Men Fall In Love Faster Than Women”

Online Dating Soared by 35 Percent After Trump Was Elected – Also: Dating Site For Trump Supporters

Online Dating Soared by 35 Percent After Trump Was Elected – Also: Dating Site For Trump Supporters

(Link):   Make Dating Great Again: Trump Singles matchmaking site is for President-elect  [Trump] supporters only 

According to this article (next one below), most Democrats would be unwilling to date Republicans.

How stupid. You should be able to look past the person’s political views, unless they are obnoxious about them and insult you over yours or something like that.

(I’m a right winger but would feel perfectly fine dating a left wing guy, so long as he’s not a rude jackass towards me over our political differences.

And, by the way, as a right wing woman, I’d like to say, right wing men should NOT be sending insulting messages to left wing women on dating sites over their political views, as this site says some men are – that is so very rude).

(Link): Online Dating Soared by 35 Percent After Trump Was Elected – Also: Dating Site For Trump Supporters by N. Spector

Excerpts:

If you’re single and actively dating, this year’s Valentine’s Day may have been your crummiest yet. And not for the usual reasons like lack of chemistry or the person being nothing like their profile promised — but because of whom they voted for, and what political positions they support.

Earlier this month, the dating service Coffee Meets Bagel surveyed 1,320 users and found that the majority of singles say politics are impacting their quest for love.

Continue reading “Online Dating Soared by 35 Percent After Trump Was Elected – Also: Dating Site For Trump Supporters”

‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ TV Show Scene Perfectly Sums Up What It’s Like To Be Single at 40+ When You Had Wanted to Be Married

‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ TV Show Scene Perfectly Sums Up What It’s Like To Be Single at 40+ When You Had Wanted to Be Married 

I just re-watched a re-run I had forgotten about. It really resonated – maybe not so much at the time, when I was in my 20s when it first aired, but now that I’m in my 40s and still single, like the character in the skit is, I totally relate.

I will embed the scene below in this post, that someone posted on You Tube (I so hope the video is never pulled down. Sometimes, videos are removed due to copyright infringement claims.)

“Everybody Loves Raymond” is a television situation comedy show that started around 1996. I used to watch it every week and still remember the characters and one or two of the episodes.

This show takes place, starts out, in the late 1990s, before many Americans had the internet – dating sites were still a good ways away, and cell phones didn’t really catch on until around the year 2,000 or a bit later.

Even when dating sites first came out and caught on, many singles did not want to use them.

Even up to around 2005 or so, there was a stigma attached to dating sites. If you used one at that time, you didn’t really want anyone to know, because they might think you were desperate or a loser.

I started watching “Everyone Loves Raymond” again in re-runs about two weeks ago – it comes on some of the local cable channels. If you’re like I am – single over the age of 35 and had expected and wanted to marry – you might really relate to the embedded video in this post, too.

To set it up for you if you’re not familiar with the show:

The show is about a guy named Ray who is married to Debra. Ray’s parents, Frank and Marie, live across the street from Ray and Debra.

Ray’s older brother, Robert (a.k.a. “Robbie”), is a police officer who lives with his parents – the guy was married to a woman name Joanne(?), and if I remember correctly, she won the house in their divorce. Joanne dumped Robert for a guy Robert arrested.

For a long time, Robert was too broke and too depressed to live on his own, so he lived with his parents. Eventually, Robert meets Amy, and they get married. But for a good long time, Robert, who is in his early 40s, is single, can’t seem to meet the right woman, and hates being single.

Continue reading “‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ TV Show Scene Perfectly Sums Up What It’s Like To Be Single at 40+ When You Had Wanted to Be Married”

Wendy Griffith’s Singles Material on 700 Club Christian Show in Feb. 2017

Wendy Griffith’s Singles Material on 700 Club Christian Show in Feb. 2017

Wendy Griffith is one of the lady co-hosts on Christian program The 700 Club. She seems okay, but as you all know, I don’t think anyone should take (Link): relationship advice from her host, Pat Robertson.

Griffith is in her 40s, has never been married, but would like to be married. (Like me!)

By the way, if you find me too cranky, mean, and foul-mouthed, you’d probably like her and her Twitter page. She seems like a very nice lady, but not nice in an annoying way.

I thought some of you visitors to my blog may be interested in this information.

I was watching 700 Club a few days ago, and there was a spot on there where Griffith was promoting a new book she has for single Christian women. She is also doing segments either on the TV show or on some Facebook group in relation.

I wasn’t watching the TV segment on this too closely, so I’m rather vague on what is going on.

I do know she has some sort of Facebook group under her name or in relation to 700 Club where adult singles can post prayer requests and read up on material for adult singles.

I will search the internet to see if I can find out more about what is going on with this

I can see she is discussing some of this singleness stuff on (Link): her Facebook page (as of Feb 2017).

Here is one post of hers for Singles Month:

(Link): Facebook: Should the Man Pay for the Date?

(Link): Facebook: The Dangers of Recreational Kissing

A tweet from her Twitter timeline about singles lead to this Facebook page:

(Link): 700 Club / Griffith Singles Video and Advice

Continue reading “Wendy Griffith’s Singles Material on 700 Club Christian Show in Feb. 2017”

Alpha Females Part 4 – From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

Alpha Females Part 4 – From Psychiatrists and Counselors: How and Why Being a Beta Female is Harmful and Damaging to Women

This commentary will be divided up among a few posts. Here is part 4.

(This post may be edited in the future to re-word things, polish things, add new thoughts or links / For Twitter: #TheAlphaFemalesGuide )

From this series:

Visit Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Part 3B: Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

Introduction.

For those new to my blog:

I am a right winger. I was a Republican until recently. I am now a conservative Independent.

I was a conservative Christian for many years (I am no longer sure about what my religious views are), and I (Link): Am A Former Gender Complementarian (someone who believed in and lived out traditional gender roles (what Venker would describe as “feminine” or “beta”), views which are based in large measure on incorrect interpretations and applications about gender in the Bible).

I sometimes agree with secular left wing feminists on some topics, but not always. At times, I disagree with secular and religious left wing feminists and have written several blog posts critiquing some of their views.

This series of blog posts is addressing the dating and relationship advice of author Suzanne Venker, who wrote a book called “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage” which she has lately been marketing online and on TV news shows.

Here is one article by Venker about her relationship views:

(Link, off site):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker


As many books and articles on the subjects of boundaries, codependency, and even domestic violence explain, when or if a woman exhibits codependent behaviors or attitudes (such as being passive, having an unwillingness to say no to others, doesn’t put her own needs first), she will tend to attract abusive, selfish, or exploitative individuals.

Unfortunately, many of these same codependent traits are considered “feminine” by many conservatives and by Christians (under the teaching of gender complementarianism). Author Venker touts such traits under the heading of “Beta” or “being nice” or as “being feminine” or “being soft.”

While I myself do not agree with every last facet of secular (or even Christian) feminism, they are at least correct in fighting against expecting such behavior from girls and women, because they realize it leaves females open to being exploited, or treated unfairly at jobs or in relationships.

As this Christian-authored piece explains, feminism (not even secular feminism) is entirely bad, wrong, or off-base:

(Link): Perhaps Feminism is Not The Enemy

I also explained in (Link): Part 2 how many conservatives (and Venker herself) misunderstand, wrongly explain, or misunderstand feminism.

As I explained in (Link): Part 3 of this series, I was a “Beta” myself for many years (as was my mother), which is what Venker says women should be, if they hope to marry or have a happy, stress-free, marriage once they marry.

However, being “Beta” does not guarantee that a woman will attract more men, get more dates, or have a happy marriage – again, as I already explained in Part 3.

WHAT THE EXPERTS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT WOMEN BEING BETA

Psychiatrists and therapists have written books and articles explaining how and why taking advice such as Venker’s can lead to problems for women, including in the area of dating and marriage.

Below, I will excerpt content from the books The Disease to Please by psychiatrists Harriet B. Braiker, PhD, and counselor Beverly Engel from the book The Nice Girl Syndrome.

First, here are the relevant portions from Venker’s article on Fox News:

(Link):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker – on the Fox News site

Today they abound. There are several reasons why, but it’s in large part due to women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives. Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha.

That may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.

Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine…

In essence, being feminine means being nice. It means being soft instead of hard…

…What men want most of all is respect, companionship and sex. If you supply these basics, your husband will do anything for you…

—(end excerpt)—

There, Venker is telling women to deny who they truly are and downplay their personalities, desires, and so on (don’t come on “too strong”), because if they stay as-is, they will repel men, but if they change themselves to make a man happy, they can attract men, or the man they have won’t want to divorce them.

Let’s see what Dr. Braiker has to say about that type of reasoning (spoiler alert: Braiker totally disagrees with Venker).

From the book The Disease to Please:

Page 95:

…If you are the people-pleaser [people-pleaser = Venker’s Beta, Nice, or Feminine] in an unbalanced relationship… you will be forced to deny or suppress your own needs. Inevitably, even the nicest people will become frustrated and angry when their emotional and sexual needs are denied indefinitely.

Healthy relationships that endure are balanced and interdependent. Balanced interdependence means that both partners are aware of and sensitive and responsive to the needs of the other.

—(end excerpt)—

From pages 93-94:

Many people-pleasers [people-pleaser = Beta, Codependent, Nice, or Feminine women] who have used this approach [making a man dependent upon them by doing nice things for him all the time, stifling your own needs, etc., and  using other approaches Venker recommends] sadly discover that manipulating a man into an excessively dependent position – no matter how nice and well-intended your motives – may actually push him into doing the thing you most fear: abandoning you.

—(end excerpt)—

From pages 94 to 95, Braiker gives a case study of a patient of hers named Jennifer who utilized Venker-type methods to hold on to her husband [she always was available to him sexually, she sacrificed her needs to meet his at all times, and sought to “spoil” him].

The result? Jennifer’s husband Ron began having an affair on her with another woman, and later, Jennifer came home one day to find a note of good-bye from her husband, Ron, where he said he was divorcing her for the other woman.

A little later in this same chapter, starting on page 95, Braiker discusses how many career women are what Venker would refer to as ‘Alpha’ in the workplace (confident, competent, assertive, and so forth) but think that to attract or retain a man in their romantic life, that they must behave in what Venker would refer to as a “Beta.”

Braiker explains in this book that this is not so – that acting “Beta” (or “nice” or “feminine” – all which amounts to the same thing, regardless of the terminology used: being a codependent with bad boundaries in practice), causes such women to attract abusive or selfish men. Braiker then spends the rest of the chapter cautioning women from being passive in their romantic life to avoid users, abusers, and narcissists.

Here are a few excerpts, by Braiker (pages 95, 96):

… I have treated many highly successful career women who have entrapped themselves in bad relationships with men by their self-imposed people-pleasing [people-pleasing = being Beta, Nice, Feminine, Codependent] subservience.

A large number of these women who are now at the pinnacle of their professions grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, in an era when femininity and sexual attractiveness still carried with them certain gender stereotypes such as submissiveness, dependency, passivity, and sensitivity.

Today, many of these women, and even a significant number of younger women too, fear that the very traits that account for their success in the workplace – assertiveness, mental toughness, aggressiveness, competitive-ness – become liabilities in their romantic relationships with men.

[Here Braiker inserts the case study of one woman patient who is a CEO]

Many women like my [C.E.O.] patient, harbor misgivings about whether their achievements might boomerang when it comes to relationships with men and come back to haunt them.

…. As a consequence of this dangerous combination [fear of success combined with people-pleasing], they may engage in a range of self-defeating behaviors that can sabotage either their careers or their personal relationships, and often both.

… Some people-pleasing women attempt to resolve the dilemma by splitting their personality traits into two discrete “sides.” They may display their competitive, assertive, and aggressive side at work.

In their personal relationships with men, they may adopt an exaggerated “femininity,” displaying passivity, submissiveness, and compliance. This masquerade, of course, is no solution at all. Rather, it is a recipe for inner conflict, anxiety, identity confusion, and lowered self-esteem.

—(end excerpt)—

Braiker then next, on pages 96-97, offers up the case study of one of her women patients, Helene, who was a successful business woman who was living out what Venker suggests in her book for women to do: be assertive at the job, but be the passive, sweet, sex kitten at home with her mate.

The result of this for Helene? Lots of abuse.

…behind closed doors when they are alone, Bob [Helene’s boyfriend] treats Helene abusively. [Helene has a far more successful career than Bob does, which Bob is aware of.]

Helene defends Bob’s behavior by “understanding” how difficult it is for a man to stand in her shadow.

…Helene realized [via therapy] that she needed to correct some of her own gender stereotypes. Helene believed that by demonstrating her people-pleasing [Beta, nice, feminine] behavior in her personal relationships with men, she was being more feminine and, therefore, more sexually attractive.

[At her place of employment, where she was CEO, Helene tolerated no sexual harassment for herself or for any woman]. However, because of her Disease to Please [being codependent, Beta, nice, and feminine], Helene was actually rewarding a man for treating her abusively behind close doors.

—(end excerpt)—

From page 97:

It is imperative that you recognize how dangerous and self-sabotaging your people-pleasing tendencies with men can become so that you can change the unhealthy dynamic of your relationships. Otherwise, the Disease to Please [being codependent, Beta, nice, and feminine] will serve as a veritable mating call to men who have a perverse need and desire to control nearly every aspect of your behavior. Worse yet, you will allow them to do so.

—(end excerpt)—

Page 98:

Unless you repair the damage by curing the Disease to Please [being codependent, Beta, nice, and feminine]  that produced it, you will limp away from the relationship with the brand of “damaged goods” on your ego. [Then the cycle will repeat itself as you attract yet another abusive, selfish, or jerk boyfriend who mistreats you all over again.]

—(end excerpt)—

As you can see from those excerpts (and there are plenty more in the book), Dr. Braiker strongly warns and advises women against the very traits and attitudes that Venker is telling women in articles, books, and TV appearances that she thinks they should have!

While there are plenty of selfish or abusive men who would enjoy being able to thoroughly control a woman, and a woman who, per Venker’s teaching, willingly goes along with it, a lot of men soon tire of this extreme “feminine” type of woman and dump her.

In her book, starting on page 100, Dr. Braiker discusses a male patient she had once who admitted that he loved to date the sort of women Venker advises women to be, because they were so easy to control. But, the guy soon got tired of dating these passive, wimpy, Beta women.

Here’s what he said:

“…One day, I realized I’m sitting in the boat [of life] all alone. I don’t want the kind of woman who will do anything to please me anymore. It’s boring and lonely. I want a partner who can sit on the boat next to me and keep me company. I want us to please each other without losing all boundaries or identity.”

Another male patient said (page 101):

“I do like to be in control, but I really want someone who will push back. I like steak because it gives me something to chew on. I don’t want to eat pre-chewed baby food. That’s how I wind up feeling about a woman who will give up her own substance just because she’s trying to please me. There’s nothing to chew on; there’s no challenge there at all. I just get bored.”

As Dr. Braiker so succinctly puts it (from page 106):

-There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make a man you love happy or wanting to please him. Just be sure that you’re not pleasing him by hurting yourself in the process.

-Any man who is threatened or feels diminished by your intelligence, achievements, success, or talent is NOT someone with whom you are likely to have a gratifying relationship with anyway. Look elsewhere.

—(end excerpt)—

Earlier in the book starting around page 49, Dr. Braiker discusses a single woman patient she had named Miranda who wants badly to get married. Miranda cannot figure out why she can’t seem to hold on to a man.

Miranda wrongly assumes the way to “catch” a man is to take the sort of advice Venker gives in her relationship book – she tries to be very pleasing and agreeable with every man she dates, she molds herself into whatever type of woman she assumes her current boyfriend of the month likes, and so on.

The result is that all these men eventually become bored with Miranda – and break up with her.

As Braiker describes it in the book (page 50), Miranda puts on the “beta” routine that Venker advises:

So, as soon as Miranda finds herself attracted and interested in a man, she puts herself in a subservient, submissive, position. She lavishes men with attention, adoration, and praise. Miranda believes that to be worthy of a man’s love, she must prove she will always put his needs first.

…The truth is that she [Miranda] cannot offer the one thing a healthy man wants and needs the most: the ability to truly share herself because she knows and values who she is.

—(end excerpt)—

Notice that Miranda’s assumptions on how to attract a man are similar to the tactics Venker puts forward in her Fox news article. And, as Braiker goes on to explain, Miranda was her patient because her “beta” femininity was driving men away, and she could not figure out that it was her very beta-femininity-ness that was at fault.

EXCHANGING AGENCY AND INDEPENDENCE FOR BEING OVER-RELIANT ON A MAN

Continuing with my critique of Venker’s views; more from her article at Fox news:

(Link):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker – on the Fox News site:

And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be.

And here’s what I learned: It’s liberating to be a beta!

I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, I’m spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting.

—(end excerpt)—

So, Venker is apparently fine ceding normal adult and personal responsibility to her husband because it makes her life easier. What she’s also sacrificing is her independence, dignity, and agency by doing so.

I take it that Venker is a right winger or conservative: right wingers and conservatives support personal responsibility; they don’t recommend that adults neglect it.

As I explain in an older post, I am a FORMER gender complementarian. Sometimes people on other sites have asked me, “Why do you suppose so many Christian women willingly endure the sexism known as complementarianism?”

One of several reasons so many Christian women remain “stuck” in complementarianism and go along with it is precisely to ride the coat-tails of a husband, because it’s easier going through life with someone taking care of you than it is for you to take care of yourself, by getting a job, taking care of your own car, and so forth.

Christian women are willing to trade off their autonomy, dreams, goals in life, and independence in exchange for male-provided financial stability and having a husband who is like a “father figure” who they can rely on.

In the book of Genesis of the Bible, God, by the way, actually predicted this would happen as a result of sin, when He told Adam and Eve that the woman would desire her husband and turn to the husband – rather than to God.

Ever since, yes, many women have indeed traded off God-reliance (or self-reliance) to depend on a husband for emotional and financial stability. And women like Venker (along with hordes of Christian gender complementarians) are prodding women to keep this up. It’s so sick, and rather tragic.

Women depending on men to this degree – and giving up their identity, needs, and self-hood in the process – is a RESULT of the Fall, a RESULT of sin entering humanity – but Venker and complementarians and other conservatives think this is awesome, healthy, or great for marriages and dating. Sick, sick, sick.

Secular feminism seeks to correct this type of sin that impacts women so strongly (and so this is one aspect of feminism that is good!), ironically.

Secular feminists are trying to free women from this very sin God predicted back in Genesis (and secular feminists – and a smaller number of Christian gender egalitarians – see how damaging it is), but many Christians and conservatives keep trying to cram women back into this same “sin box” and tell them it is “good” for them and for their relationships.

So, Venker finds being responsible and making decisions all day tiring. Well, yes, most people do. But the solution is not to hand over all or most of your personal responsibility to another adult.

Counselor Beverly Engels warns women against this very temptation in her book (Link): The Nice Girl Syndrome.

Engel discusses in the book (pages 212 – 214) that during her early 30s, on a month long trip to Europe, she met a European guy named Jacob. By the time she met this guy, she had been in Europe for a few weeks, was exhausted.

She ends up going to his place, they had sex a time or two, though the second time she didn’t really want to. The guy wasn’t exactly overtly abusive, but she felt she “owed” him sex to be nice to him, since he was now taking care of her. He was making her breakfasts, letting her stay at his home, etc.

For a period of time, due to exhaustion, Engel says she let this Jacob man control her, she was tired of making decisions for herself, she was tired of all the responsibility on this trip, so she was willing to turn the steering wheel over to Jacob – as Venker is asking women to do in their own relationships.

Engel says that is a bad move, and she has regret over her interactions with Jacob to this day. Even though she kept turning the guy down sexually, so long as she stayed at his home, he kept repeatedly bugging her for sex and for more sex. He was super persistent.

Venker’s advice to women boils down to that they infantilize themselves to be more attractive to men. This is bad and dangerous advice.

From page 131 by Engel:

You can’t expect anyone else to take responsibility for your welfare. You are the only one who can take care of you.

The price you pay for looking to someone else to take care of you is dependency, the loss of self, and, ultimately, the inability to control your life.

YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE OR MARRY THE SORT OF MEN VENKER’S ADVICE WILL ATTRACT

From page 45 of Engel’s book:

It used to be that the payoff for being sweet and nice was that one was taken care of and protected by the men and authority figures in one’s life.

Girls and women were perceived as weaker and in need of protection from the “big, bad world,” and boys and men took on the responsibility of making sure that nothing bad happened to them. But those days are gone, along with chivalry and manners.

Most boys and men today do not feel responsible for protecting girls; in fact, many view girls and women as objects to be exploited.

…This doesn’t mean that there aren’t men who like taking on the role of provider and protector. But these men are not necessarily throwbacks to an earlier time – unfortunately, they often take on this role as a way of dominating women. In fact, these men often look for women who are passive, who appear naive and innocent, because such women are easier to control.

–(end excerpt)–

Yes, as you can see, Venker’s advice, if followed, will open you up to appearing very attractive to abusive, selfish, cruel, or self-absorbed men who only want to use you, not care for you or about your needs.

The sorts of men you will attract if you follow Venker’s advice are not the sorts of men you want to date or marry. You want to avoid these guys, not marry them.

I also find this, from Engel’s book, highly pertinent (from page 126), where Engle is discussing a patient she had named Nina:

Nina was painting a picture of a storybook family life – the dutiful wife, the hardworking husband, the kids who were seen but not heard. Or was it? Nina was a young woman who was raised in the 1980s – not the fifties. Something just wasn’t adding up.

After several more sessions and some gentle prodding on my part, Nina finally opened up more about how it really was in her family. As it turned out, it wasn’t so perfect after all.

Yes, her mother was a dutiful wife, but her father was quite demanding. He expected his wife to wait on him hand and foot when he was home, and he was extremely hard to please.

There were many nights when he refused to eat what she [his wife, who was Nina’s mother] had cooked and insisted that she cook something else entirely. He complained if the house wasn’t immaculate and the kids weren’t bathed and dressed up when he got home.

As we continued to explore Nina’s childhood, Nina admitted that it really wasn’t by choice that her mother didn’t have any friends or didn’t go out much. It was at her father’s insistence that Nina’s mother not associate with anyone outside the family.

–(end excerpt)–

If you go by Venker’s marital advice, you may find yourself with a similar dynamic in your marriage that Nina’s mother was in. How many of you married women out there want that sort of loveless, emotionally abusive marriage?

Exchanging your decision-making abilities or duties for a life of ease and simplicity, all so more stress and responsibility falls on your husband, is a lazy, stupid, immature, potentially dangerous thing to do, and it’s actually unfair to your husband. I am dumb-founded that a conservative author any where would recommend that other women do this, or that she does this herself.

I hope this post of mine, with excerpts from books by a psychiatrist and a counselor, both of whom have treated many patients over the years (and hence have way more insight and experience in relationship dynamics than Venker does) clarifies just how terrible, sexist, and harmful relationship advice such as Venker’s is.

If you didn’t want to take my word for it, as (Link): based upon my experience and my mother’s, with how awful it was to utilize Venker-like advice in our own relationships, I hope the insights by professionals (one with a PhD) lends more credence.


I intend on writing a Part 5, if or when I get the time and/or inclination. And then, I think I may finally be done with this series. – Thankfully. This was not something I enjoyed writing all too much.


Related Posts:

(Link):  Alpha Females Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women

(Link):  Alpha Females Part 2 – Defining the Terms – How Anti-Feminists and Complementarians Misrepresent Concepts or Terms

(Link): A Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

Alpha Females Part 3 – Being a Beta Female Does Not Work, It Won’t Get You Dates, Or Keep Your Marriage in Good Shape

Alpha Females Part 3 – Being a Beta Female Does Not Work, It Won’t Get You Dates Or Keep Your Marriage in Good Shape

This commentary will be divided up among a few posts. Here is part 3.

(This post may be edited in the future to re-word things, polish things, add new thoughts or links)

Visit Part 1. | Part 2 | A Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

Part 4

Introduction.

For those new to my blog:

I am a right winger. I was a Republican until recently. I am now a conservative Independent.

I was a conservative Christian for many years (I am no longer sure about what my religious views are), and I (Link): Am A Former Gender Complementarian (someone who believed in and lived out traditional gender roles, views which are based in large measure on incorrect interpretations and applications about gender in the Bible).

I sometimes agree with secular left wing feminists on some topics, but not always. At times, I disagree with secular and religious left wing feminists and have written several blog posts critiquing some of their views.

This series of blog posts is addressing the dating and relationship advice of author Suzanne Venker, who wrote a book called “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage” which she has lately been marketing online and on TV news shows.

Here is one article by Venker about her relationship views:

(Link, off site):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker


Venker, the author of “Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love,” relies on a lot of anecdotal commentary to bolster her arguments in her article on “Fox News” site – I can only assume her book is filled with much of the same nonsense…

BEING A TRADITIONAL FEMALE, WHICH VENKER AND OTHERS BASICALLY EQUATE WITH BEING A DOORMAT, DOES NOT WORK FOR RELATIONSHIPS

I have anecdotal commentary in the other direction based on my own life, that of my mother’s and that of other women, to counter Venker’s arguments.

(Update: Please see (Link): my response to Venker here: she is fine with using her personal life experience in articles or books to sell other women on the notion they should be “Beta.”

However, when I produce examples in this post on MY experience – of how being Beta did not make my relationships better – she dismissed this approach on Twitter. Her using her personal experience to back up her view is acceptable to her, but not when others do the same thing to back up their views.

That is inconsistent. If she can appeal to her personal experience to make a point, so can I).

Here is an excerpt from the page by Venker:

….Indeed, my mother was the quintessential alpha wife. An alpha wife micromanages, delegates and makes most or even all of the decisions. She is, quite simply, the Boss.

— end excerpt–

Yes, I grew up quite the opposite from Venker. My mother was the total opposite of Venker’s.

MY MOTHER

My mother was the very sort of woman Venker advises other women to be. My mother in turn raised me to be like herself, which I was, up until my late 30s or early 40s.

My mother was the sweet, docile, doormat who catered to my father’s every need. My mother was definitely the opposite of “The Boss.”

My mother made home-cooked meals for my father most nights. She did not have a job outside the home.

My mother was the stereotypical womanly woman, passive, non-confrontational, soft-spoken woman that conservatives are forever applauding and pressuring other women to be like.

Continue reading “Alpha Females Part 3 – Being a Beta Female Does Not Work, It Won’t Get You Dates, Or Keep Your Marriage in Good Shape”

Alpha Females Part 2 – Defining the Terms – How Anti-Feminists and Complementarians Misrepresent Concepts or Terms

Alpha Females Part 2 – Defining the Terms – How Anti-Feminists and Complementarians Misrepresent Concepts or Terms

This commentary will be divided up among a few posts. Here is part 2.

(This post may be edited in the future to re-word things, polish things, add new thoughts or links)

More pages in this series:

Visit Part 1. | Part 3 |  A Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

Part 4

Introduction.

For those new to my blog:

I am a right winger. I was a Republican until recently. I am now a conservative Independent.

I was a conservative Christian for many years (I am no longer sure about what my religious views are), and I (Link): Am A Former Gender Complementarian (someone who believed in and lived out traditional gender roles, views which are based in large measure on incorrect interpretations and applications about gender in the Bible).

I sometimes agree with secular left wing feminists on some topics, but not always. At times, I disagree with secular and religious left wing feminists and have written several blog posts critiquing some of their views.

This series of blog posts is addressing the dating and relationship advice of author Suzanne Venker, who wrote a book called “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage” which she has lately been marketing online and on TV news shows.

Here is one article by Venker about her relationship views:

(Link, off site):  Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love by S. Venker


Venker, like many conservative authors, conflate the word or concept of “feminine” (and “nice“) with terms, behaviors, or concepts, such as, but not limited to, being passive, quiet, demure, agreeable, docile, and “being a doormat.”

I have no doubt that Venker, and women like her, would likely reject that she is asking women to be doormats – but that is precisely what she is doing when she asks women, as she does in the articles I have read, to give up certain behaviors, especially if those behaviors are part and parcel of a normal, healthy adult’s boundaries and identity.

And Venker is insisting women do these very damaging things, insisting that they inflict damage on themselves, change themselves, make themselves smaller, all for the goal of capturing a man while single, or to keeping one happy while married. This is most definitely a throw back to 1950s America and earlier.

We’re in 2017, Venker, please join us here.

By the way, the type of man who needs a woman to repress her fierce nature, true views, or her voice and needs, to “be happy” in a relationship, and not feel like he’s being bossed around, are usually highly insecure or selfish men. Such men are not worth dating or marrying or trying to cajole or placate in the first place.

Many Conservatives further conflate the term “feminine” with women refusing to get their own needs met, and with always putting a man’s needs before their own (or the needs of children or other women ahead of their own).

Being feminine is defined as, or thought of, or confused by many conservatives and with most complementarians, with being a 1950s television show June Cleaver housewife, as though that is the one and only appropriate way for a woman to be.

In a nutshell, conservatives (this would include Christian gender complementarians) confuse “being feminine,” or mistake “being feminine,” with Being Codependent.

Codependency is not healthy for girls, women, or for their relationships.

However, codependent behaviors and attitudes are applauded and expected in girls and women by much of culture (certainly by most conservatives), and complementarian Christians often mistakenly assume that God designed girls and women to be codependents. This is so, even though the Bible through-out warns against anyone, male or female, being codependent.

The word “nice” is also often confused by a lot of people, certainly by complementarians and by some conservatives, with codependency.

When someone is “nice,” this generally means she will exhibit codependent traits.

She will not be assertive and stand up for herself or insist on getting her own needs met, but will go through life doing such things as quietly enduring suffering as boyfriends cheat on her repeatedly, co-workers take advantage of her on the job, or a husband strikes her with his fist.

Continue reading “Alpha Females Part 2 – Defining the Terms – How Anti-Feminists and Complementarians Misrepresent Concepts or Terms”

Alpha Females Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women

Alpha Females Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women

This commentary will be divided up among a few posts. Here is part 1.

Visit Part 2 | Part 3 |  A Response to Venker: Re: Personal Experience

Part 4

Introduction.

For those new to my blog:

I am a right winger. I was a Republican until recently. I am now a conservative Independent.

I was a conservative Christian for many years (I am no longer sure about what my religious views are), and I (Link): Am A Former Gender Complementarian (someone who believed in and lived out traditional gender roles, views which are based in large measure on incorrect interpretations and applications about gender in the Bible).

I sometimes agree with secular left wing feminists on some topics, but not always. At times, I disagree with secular and religious left wing feminists and have written several blog posts critiquing some of their views.


This series of posts is addressing author Suzanne Venker’s relationship advice, as I have seen her advocate for, in behalf of her book “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men and Marriage.”

I myself am not, nor have I ever been, what she terms an “Alpha Female.”

I have always been what she refers to as a “Beta,” and guess what?

Being a Beta did not land me a spouse, dates, or make my life easier, more peaceful, less stressful, or rewarding, as Venker tries to reassure her female readers that it will. More on that in a future post.

As a conservative who is in her 40s and still single (though engaged at one time), I have been seeing these sorts of attitudes about gender and marriage that are discussed below in an article by Venker advanced by secular and religious conservatives since I was a teen in the 1980s.

There is an annoying, recurrent, and yes, sexist, motiff by conservatives to say the reason society has problems with marriage, dating irregularity, high divorce rates, and other relationship problems – is that women are at fault.

Women are always blamed for relationship trends and problems – and at that, usually by other women – and at that, by women who tend to be conservative and who publish books or articles about dating and marriage.

Continue reading “Alpha Females Part 1 – Nothing New Under the Sun. Conservative Women Keep Issuing Same Sexist, Unhelpful Dating And Marital Advice to Women”

Clueless, Naive, 52 Year Old Idiot Cheats on “Woman Of His Dreams”

Clueless, Naive, 52 Year Old Idiot Cheats on “Woman Of His Dreams”

If you felt like this woman was the “girl of your dreams,” there was no reason to cheat on her – well, not that cheating in other contexts is okay. I am baffled. He says this new girlfriend was the “girl of his dreams,” but he still cheated on her? Idiot.

He feels that getting re-baptized at a church would some how convince her to stay with him and not break up. Clueless.

He complains in this letter about being in “two weeks of loneliness” ever since his girlfriend broke up with him.

Oh boo hoo and SHUT UP. I’ve spent much, much longer (over a decade) single and alone, so don’t come crying to me or someone else about being single for TWO WEEKS, you dolt.

(Link): Source for the following letter.

DEAR AMY: I am a 52-year-old divorced man.

A year ago I met “Carla,” the woman of my dreams. Then last summer, I lost my job. I was under a lot of stress.

I started texting with an old girlfriend. Some conversations became sexual. I consider myself a good guy with strong morals, but I failed. The woman forwarded the texts to Carla. She was devastated and ended our relationship.

I have sent cards, flowers and many texts. Carla said she’s moving on and that I should, too. But what I did affected me so much that I was baptized at my church because I needed a fresh start.

I need to show the love of my life that I’m not playing around anymore.

I will do anything to get my girl back. It has been two weeks of loneliness, but it feels like a lifetime.

I know I shouldn’t push too hard. But I don’t want to be forgotten.

Signed,

Devastated

What an idiot.

Jaded, Bitter, Entitled Sam The Single Man Claims that All Women Who Say “They Aren’t That Kind of Girl” Are Liars

Jaded, Bitter, Entitled Sam The Single Man Claims that All Women Who Say “They Aren’t That Kind of Girl” Are Liars

The guy who wrote this letter to ‘Ask Amy’ sounds like a bitter, cynical, entitled sexist ass-hat.

I for one “am not that kind of girl.” Women such as me do in fact exist. If you date me, and I turn down sex on the basis of, “I’m not that kind of girl,” I am speaking the truth.

I am over the age of 40 and still a virgin. Even though now my views on sex have relaxed, and I’d be willing to have sex prior to marriage, but not on a first date, or even a second date, but only within the context of a steady, committed relationship.

So yes, to you assh*le who wrote this letter to Ask Amy, “Sam,” some women are in fact “not that kind of girl” and do not have sex with a man they’ve just met.

I think you don’t want a steady relationship but a one-night stand, in which case, stop using dating sites like eHarmony, Yahoo Personals, or Match and stick with “Booty Call .com” or “Tindr,” which are designed specifically for casual sex, you idiot.

DEAR AMY:

When two people first meet and the guy wants to have sex, why is it that many women say, “I am not that kind of girl, and I need to get to know you better“?

That is actually a big lie that women tell. After all, if the guy who wanted to have sex with them was George Clooney, it’s unthinkable that they would say, “I’m not that kind of girl.”

Every woman is “that kind of girl” with a select few men under the right circumstances.

Continue reading “Jaded, Bitter, Entitled Sam The Single Man Claims that All Women Who Say “They Aren’t That Kind of Girl” Are Liars”

Study Finds That Conservatives Are Generally More Good Looking (Better Looking than Left Wingers)

(Link): Right Leaning People Are More Attractive 

People who hold more conservative views are usually seen as more attractive, a recent study revealed.

A study in the Journal of Public Economics determined that a person’s attractiveness correlates with their political beliefs, (Link): reports The Washington Post.

(Link): Study Finds That Conservatives Are Generally More Good Looking

In a study (Link): published in the Journal of Public Economics, it was found that the general attractiveness of a political candidate correlates to their ideology, and that those on the right in Europe, Australia and the US were overall seen as better looking than their counterparts on the left.

The research also noted that this was a correlation and not causation. Essentially, attractive people tend to drift towards more conservative political positions because life tends to be easier for them, considering they (Link): tend to make more money, and are thus going to be generally more resistant to the type of social welfare and redistribution programs championed by liberals.

Another explanation the study proposed for attractive people leaning right is that they are usually treated better than everyone else and therefore don’t see the need to make the world more equal for others, finding things to largely be fair.

Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists (Daily Mail article)

Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists (Daily Mail article)

No kidding. I can’t believe someone had to do a study about it. Women have known this for ages.

(Link): Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists

Dec 20, 2016

By Cecile Borkhataria

  • ‘Nice guys’ is usually made fun of for being unattractive, shy and clingy
  • They don’t voice their feelings, instead hoping women will fall for their kindness
  • But one psychologists suggest that nice guys  in the friend zone aren’t actually that nice and ‘they feel entitled to women’, and are narcissists as a result

Many men in the ‘friend zone’ may seem kind, caring and affectionate – but one psychologist has warned they have a hidden agenda.

Dr Scott Kaufman says men with the ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’ who are often relegated to the friend zone often have a sense of entitlement, and so are likely to be narcissists.

Continue reading “Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists (Daily Mail article)”

The Ideal Boyfriend Revealed: Women Love ‘Quietly Confident’ Men Who WAIT for Sex (and Detest Alpha Males)

The Ideal Boyfriend Revealed: Women Love ‘Quietly Confident’ Men Who WAIT for Sex (and Detest Alpha Males)

(Link): The ideal boyfriend revealed: Women love ‘quietly confident’ men who WAIT for sex (and detest alpha males)

by Karen Ruiz

  • Hundreds of women took to Reddit to reveal ‘rare’ qualities they look for in men
  • Many revealed they prefer men who are not afraid to show femininity 
  • Some men admitted they wish they could embrace their feminine side publicly  
  • Other responses include ‘quiet confidence’ and intelligence  
  • Women have revealed the qualities they look for in a potential partner – and it seems that the quintessential alpha male is out of fashion.

    The revelations were made in a (Link): Reddit thread asking women to name the ‘hard to find’ quality they’re attracted to, and a large proportion of the 800 replies revealed that a man who is in touch with his feminine side is top of the list.

    Others chimed in to mention traits such as ‘quiet confidence’ and intelligence, while being willing to wait before having sex for the first time is also a desirable trait.

Continue reading “The Ideal Boyfriend Revealed: Women Love ‘Quietly Confident’ Men Who WAIT for Sex (and Detest Alpha Males)”

I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen

I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen

I have a (Link): bazillion examples on this blog of Christian men who are arrested or found out for things like wife beating, child molesting, or other horrible things.

As I’ve said many times before, I’m done with the ‘Equally Yoked’ teaching, because I don’t see the sense in it.

Why should any single, Christian woman hold out for a single, Christian man, when, number one, females outnumber males in Christianity, so your chances of getting one are slim to none, and secondly, men professing to believe in Jesus does not make them marriage material.

I’m sorry to be so repetitive, but, I’d rather marry a decent, kind, loving NON-CHRISTIAN man, than marry a wife-beating, drug addicted, child- porn- watching man who professes Christ, reads a Bible, and-or who attends a church regularly.

I think in this particular case, the man started out atheist while they were dating, became a Christian after they married, but reverted back to atheism later – but their marriage is surviving.

Some of the people who left comments below her post on this other site (XO Jane) are criticizing her piece.

(Link): I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work

Excerpts:

by S. Allen

I grew up in a Christian household, but not a fundamentalist one. My parents were strict, but I didn’t have a problem with it.

[The author states that during her college years, she hit a faith crisis – was still a Christian but having doubts about the faith.
She signed up for the dating site “Plenty of Fish” which is how she met her atheist boyfriend Dave.
She then came completely back to her faith, felt guilty about having an “unequally yoked” relationship, but stuck with Dave. They married.
Dave became a Christian but then reverted back to atheism. The author, Sarah, and Dave later had two sons together.]

…We have been married 11 years and we have an inter-faith-ish marriage. How do we do it without having a holy war in our house on the regular? Well, sometimes there are arguments about our faith or lack thereof. But mostly we have a pretty peaceful life.

It comes down to communication, respect, and love — just like any relationship.

Continue reading “I’m a Christian Married to an Atheist — Here’s How We Make It Work by S. Allen”

What It’s Really Like to Be a Guy Who Only Dates Much Older Women by L. Moore

What It’s Really Like to Be a Guy Who Only Dates Much Older Women

I am largely opposed to “May December” relationships, as (Link): I’ve blogged on before.

One of the things I found interesting about this page is that it affirms something I said on a much older post of mine –

Often times, men ages 35 and older say they prefer dating much younger women (as in, 20 somethings) because 20 year old women supposedly have less baggage. As I explained in my last post, that is pure hog-wash. Younger women generally have MORE BAGGAGE than older women.

Older women have gained life experience, have gained self esteem over the years, know what they want, won’t permit themselves to be treated disrespectfully by men, won’t put up with crap – not from men, not from bosses, not from friends or whomever.

Most women over the age of 35 or 40 have worked through their “baggage,” whether by seeing a therapist, reading books by psychologists, or just living through pain. Younger women are not there yet.

Note how all three of these younger men say that they prefer dating older women, one reason of which, is because older women “lack drama,” which is another way of saying older women lack baggage.

(Link):  What It’s Really Like to Be a Guy Who Only Dates Much Older Women by Lane Moore

Excerpts:

WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT DATING OLDER WOMEN?

Man A: I like how mature they can be when handling serious situations, but also how playful and youthful they are. My last girlfriend and I would sit down and listen to all my favorite music, and it was a real bonding experience I’d never had before. You don’t expect someone who is so much older to have so much in common with you or the desire to connect with you the way some older women do.

Man B: Older women have their life together. And with 15 years more experience, they’re more interesting to talk to.

Man C: There’s less drama with older women and they are much less likely to be dependent on you. A strong, independent woman is sexy.

Continue reading “What It’s Really Like to Be a Guy Who Only Dates Much Older Women by L. Moore”

Homosexual Satanist Kills Cop He Met Via Grindr Dating App, Eats Part of Body, Acid Burns the Remainder

Homosexual Satanist Kills Cop He Met Via Grindr Dating App, Eats Part of Body, Acid Burns the Remainder

This is so gross.

(Link): ‘GRINDR MURDER’ City worker Stefano Brizzi accused of Grindr murder admits episode of Breaking Bad inspired him to dissolve PC’s body in acid

Nov 2016

Stefano Brizzi, 50, is said to have murdered PC Gordon Semple, 59, after organising a ‘chemsex’ hook-up on gay dating app Grindr

BY FELIX ALLE

A SATANIST accused of strangling and dismembering a policeman today admitted he was inspired to dissolve the victim’s body in acid by a scene from TV show Breaking Bad.

Continue reading “Homosexual Satanist Kills Cop He Met Via Grindr Dating App, Eats Part of Body, Acid Burns the Remainder”

Christian Abstinence Speaker Forces Girl Students to Hear Mandatory Sexual Purity Message While Boys Excused

Christian Abstinence Speaker Forces Girl Students to Hear Mandatory Sexual Purity Message While Boys Excused

I am not opposed to Christians teaching their kids about the benefits or moral basis of remaining a virgin until marriage. I do believe the Bible teaches that position, actually.

However, I do take issue with the fact that Christians almost always emphasize staying a virgin for girls but not for boys. That seems to be the case here.

That the boys were excused for a sexual abstinence message is, in my view, incredibly sexist and sends the wrong message – both to boys and girls. This sort of thing also makes Christians look like backwards, sexist rednecks to the Non-Christians who blogged about this to mock it or criticize it – which they have.

I do think there is at least one possible positive: at least the teen girls are hearing that staying a virgin is a viable option.

Where-as many secular feminists and liberals are always mocking virginity and celibacy, so that they make young girls (and even older women) feel as though they MUST have sex or there is something wrong with them if they are not having sex, or if they don’t want to have sex.

Contrary to what ths Henning guy says, it’s not true that men have higher sex drives than women or are more visually stimulated than women, so Henning can drop that from his materials. God did not “wire men to be more sexual” than women. (I’ve done other blog posts on those topics before, so I’m not going to get into that here.)

It’s not a girl or woman’s responsibility to dress in such a way that a boy or man does not feel aroused, as Henning claims. Each boy and man is capable of controlling himself, regardless of how a girl or woman is dressed. Christians: stop making females responsible for the sexual sins and failings of males – even the Bible does not do this.

(Link):  School Makes Girls Attend Christian’s Abstinence Lecture

Oct 20, 2016

by Mike Allen

Payson High School in Arizona recently required girls to attend an assembly about sexual abstinence, while the boys were given the option to attend, or not attend, an assembly on dating.

Continue reading “Christian Abstinence Speaker Forces Girl Students to Hear Mandatory Sexual Purity Message While Boys Excused”

She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?

She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?

(Link): She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?

October 13, 2016

[Man and woman go on date; woman changes their flat tire]

“I figured if I can, why not do?” Ukpo said by phone of the date she first wrote about on the blog (Link): Madame Noire. “I don’t subscribe to this idea that because I’m a woman, I have to play this damsel in distress thing.”

It’s at this point in the story that Andrew Smiler, communications director at the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity and the expert I called to discuss the fragility of the male ego, began chuckling.

He knew where the tale was headed — and why. Like me, he’s heard countless stories like Ukpo’s, where confident, well-intentioned women are trying to help, but a dating disaster ensues.

For clarity, I asked him, “What exactly is so funny?”

Smiler laughs again and explains: “We give people some really messed-up messages about gender roles. Even in the early 21st century, we have this supposedly egalitarian culture, and guys are taught that they should never show weakness or ignorance or inability to do a task. And in various ways they should ‘wear the pants’ in the relationship.”

Continue reading “She changed his flat tire. He never called her again. Is this a case of a fragile male ego?”