Yes, You Need to Prioritize Your Marriage Over Your Kids by V. Pelley

Yes, You Need to Prioritize Your Marriage Over Your Kids by V. Pelley

I’ve done one or two posts on this subject previously on this blog.

One reason I don’t want to date or marry men who have children from previous relationships is that they may put their kids before me.

Notice in the interview below how married couples are (Link): greedy, they’re self-involved: they even admit that the “lion’s share” of their time is devoted to their careers, next, their kids, and lastly, their romantic lives with their spouses.

This information flies in the face of warped, false, Christian teachings that married couples are more godly and giving than single adults.

Christians often wrongly and incorrectly portray single adults as being totally self-absorbed, sexually promiscuous people who are in a state of arrested development.

(Link): Yes, You Need to Prioritize Your Marriage Over Your Kids by V. Pelley

More than a few men joke that they fall third or fourth in their wives’ pecking order, after the kids and the dog.

But for a lot guys (and moms), it’s not really a joke. Many assume that’s the way it should be — after all, being a good parent means putting the kids’ needs first, no matter what.

And because in this day and age parents are expected to be more attentive and accommodating to children than ever before, that’s a pretty all-consuming job.

But many psychologists and relationship experts push back on that idea, arguing that your spouse should come before your children.

The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won’t thrive, so you’re doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce.

The Green River Serial Killer and Necrophiliac Was A Christian Married Father

The Green River Serial Killer and Necrophiliac Was A Christian Married Father

There was a television special on a few days ago about Gary Ridgway, who is the Green River serial killer.

Several aspects of this pervert’s life are relevant to subjects I discuss regularly on this blog, so keep on reading…

Ridgway had upwards of around 70 women victims, most in age of about 15 to their early 20s, though a few may have been around 12 or 13 years old.

Most of Ridgway’s victims were prostitutes, some were runaway kids.

Ridgway later admitted to authorities to occasionally going back and having sex with the dead bodies of his murder victims.

Here is how this pervert’s story is relevant to this blog:

Point 1. Marriage and Parenthood Do Not Make People Into Godly, Mature, Responsible Adults

I grew up in Southern Baptist churches. Both my parents were Southern Baptists.

Like many other conservative Christian groups, Southern Baptists peddle some untrue and un-biblical notions about marriage, natalism, and the family unit: they tend to assume and they will also sometimes teach, that marriage or parenthood are necessary to make a person fully adult, mature, godly, responsible, and ethical.

Pat Robertson’s Insensitive Reply to a Domestic Violence Victim (November 2018)

Pat Robertson’s Insensitive Reply to a Domestic Violence Victim (November 2018)

Before I present the viewer question from the domestic violence victim, and Pat Roberston’s horrible response to that person, I wanted to say a few words first.

I’ve already done a post on this blog called (Link): “Women, Stop Asking Pat Robertson Relationship Advice,” but women (and sometimes men) keep e-mailing Pat Robertson for relationship advice.

Here is the gist of that previous post:
If you write Robertson for relationship advice – especially if you are a woman – 9 out of 10 times, Robertson’s reply will be sexist, unsympathetic, and victim-blaming. So do not waste your time.

Secondly, you’re an adult.
You don’t need Pat or the Bible or any other person to tell you what you need to do or what you should do. You can make up your own mind as to what you think is best for you.

Abusers do not change, no matter how much you submit and pray for the abuser.

It is a waste of your time and “tossing pearls before swine” to stay with an abuser. If you consider divorce a sin (I don’t, certainly not in the case of abuse – and abuse can be verbal, emotional, and financial, not just physical), God says in the Bible he forgives sin.

What most all the competent articles and books about domestic violence say is this:
You will need to leave the abuser – contact your local domestic violence shelter for assistance in that.

Meet the Men In Love With $7,000 Sex Dolls

Meet the Men In Love With $7,000 Sex Dolls

This is not only creepy, but it’s sad and pathetic.

(Link): Meet the Men In Love With $7,000 Sex Dolls

The men in love with $7,000 sex dolls: Subculture of ‘iDollators’ who marry and develop romances with inanimate partners after swearing off ‘flesh and blood’ women

November 2018
by Shelia Flynn

…John and Jackie are the stars of new documentary Silicone Soul, which chronicles the lives of men who’ve fallen in love with dolls – as well as other doll enthusiasts who have interests and motivations separate from sex or romance, such as a female artist who uses dolls for photography and friendship.

In addition to John – who purchased Jackie for $7,000 – the film follows a man named ‘Davecat’ in Detroit who’s married to doll Sidore and owns another, Elena, with whom he’s involved (they’re polyamorous, he says).

There’s also a New Jersey husband going by the pseudonym of ‘Ben’ who keeps several dolls in the basement as surrogates for his severely ill wife.

And they’re far from the only people choosing such a lifestyle, according to director Melody Gilbert, who was wholly unacquainted with the phenomenon before embarking upon this project – though it immediately fascinated her.

Divorced 50-Something Lady Named Andy Says Her Ex Husband Gave Her an STD

Divorced 50-Something Lady Named Andy Says Her Ex Husband Gave Her an STD

On the November 6, 2018 episode of “The 700 Club” the Christian show host received a letter from a 54 year old woman named “Andy.”

I do not as of yet see this letter uploaded on (Link): the 700 Club You Tube account,  (it would probably be uploaded under the “Your Questions, Honest Answers” section – edit: the just uploaded the ENTIRE day’s episode, the letter comes towards the end of the show/video), and I saw this letter only one time, so I am having to go on memory here.

(Whoever runs the 700 Club You Tube account has dropped the ball over the past year: they used to promptly upload each and every episode and the “Answers to Questions” segments every day within an hour after airing on TV, but they’ve not been doing that lately I have noticed. Anyway.)

From what I can recall, this Andy lady (who is apparently a Christian) said she was married to her husband for about twenty years.

Andy said at one stage of their marriage that her husband had an affair with another woman, which resulted in the husband contracting a very bad STD (sexually transmitted disease), and he passed it on to her.

This played a role in why she divorced her husband. She remains single now.

Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single

Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single

Before I get to the link to the news article about more young people choosing to stay single:

I’d just like to remind anyone out there that not all singles are single by choice. Some singles, like me, had expected and hoped to marry, but we’re still single due to circumstances.

I have to mention this because many conservatives and conservative Christians love to go into shaming mode and criticize adult singles for never marrying.

They especially like to insult, shame, and guilt trip Christian singles; they assume quite incorrectly that all adult singles intentionally chose to avoid marriage.

Many Southern Baptists, for example, like to incorrectly assume that all single females over age 30 chose career over marriage and shame us for being single. In fact, many of us had wanted to be married and did not place career over marriage.

I don’t have an issue with singles who do choose to remain single, however.

They should not be shamed for their choice.

I’m just saying I get sick and tired of Christians, such as Southern Baptist Al Mohler and Christians such as Bradford Wilcox and socialist Mark Regnerus seeing news items like the following, and wrongly assuming that ALL singles remain single by choice.

Al Mohler, other Christians, and secular, conservative think tanks shame and scold singles for not marrying, because they have this incorrect understanding of the Bible that the Bible says God prefers or wants all adults to marry, or, they wrongly believe that the Bible says that marriage “fixes” culture (the Bible does not teach anything like this, but actually says, per 1 Cor 7, that it is better to remain single).

Singles-shaming conservatives also love to write and publish and repeat bogus  studies that claim things like being single is far worse than being married, singles die younger than married people, married people supposedly have better health than singles (they do not), and so on – Bella dePaulo debunks (Link): a lot of those claims on her blog.

(Link): Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single

October 10, 2018

By Christian Gollayan

Millennials are ditching relationships and embracing singledom, according to a new survey.

Tinder and consulting firm Morar HPI surveyed 1,000 singles between 18 to 25 years old and found that 72 percent “have made a conscious decision” to stay single.

“Solo status gives young adults a sense of adventure, independence and empowerment,” the dating app said. “An overwhelming majority of young adults agree that being single benefits them beyond their romantic lives.”

‘It Was Like Marriage, Only Better’ Said the Single Mothers Who Moved In Together

‘It Was Like Marriage, Only Better’ Said the Single Mothers Who Moved In Together

(Link): ‘It Was Like Marriage, Only Better” Said the Single Mothers Who Moved In Together

Excerpts:

After their relationships broke down, Jane Hoggarth and two other mothers decided to get together and create a ‘mommune’

…And so, more by accident than design, the women hit on a new domestic set-up: the “mommune”, as it is termed in America.

And for the next two years, the three of them and their six children shared their lives: Vicky in the spare room, Nicola a weekend resident and daily visitor. “We were a family,” Janet says. “We went to the supermarket together, cooked together, ate together, shared childcare. Our parents met.” The children, she adds, “became like siblings”.

The Not-So-Great Reason Divorce Rates Are Declining by Joe Pinsker

(Link): The Not-So-Great Reason Divorce Rates Are Declining by Joe Pinsker

Excerpts:

What’s changed isn’t marriage, but the types of people who are likeliest to get married.

Sept 25, 2018

….The point he was making was that people with college degrees are now more likely to get married than those who have no more than a high-school education.

And the key to understanding the declining divorce rate, Cherlin says, is that it is “going down some for everybody,” but “the decline has been steepest for the college graduates.”

How One Man Has Broken Up 4,000 Relationships and Caused 17 Divorces In Just 10 Days

How One Man Has Broken Up 4,000 Relationships and Caused 17 Divorces In Just 10 Days

(Link): How one man has broken up 4,000 relationships and caused 17 divorces – in just 10 days

And the number is still rising…

by Nicola Oakley

Sitting down to watch Netflix on a Saturday night is something many people do with their other half.

If so, you might want to steer clear of Daniel Sloss’ show – as it might lead to bit of an awkward moment or, worse still, the demise of your relationship.

The Scottish comedian says a 20-minute joke in one of his shows has been responsible for more than 4,000 break-ups.

His live stand-up routines have been streaming on Netflix since September 11 – yes, it only became available to view 10 days ago.

In his show Jigsaw, the 28-year-old, from Fife, rubbishes the notion that everyone has a soulmate, saying the message society puts out is: “If you are not with someone, you are broken. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. If you are not with someone, you are not whole.”

As a result, we are made to feel as though we need a partner to feel complete – meaning many settle and end up with the wrong person.

Married To Person With Kid From Previous Marriage: Guy Says His Wife is Putting Her Son Before Their Marriage – on Not Wanting to Date Single Parents

Married To Person With Kid From Previous Marriage: Guy Says His Wife is Putting Her Son Before Their Marriage – On Not Wanting to Date Single Parents

This following letter to an advice columnist (which is linked to and excerpted much farther down this blog post) is interesting, because I guarantee you had the guy written to “Ask Amy” of the “Ask Amy” column with the same concern, Amy would  not have been sympathetic to the guy.

Amy would’ve raked him over the coals for not oozing with love and compassion for the misbehaving stepchild.

Amy, as I’ve seen, always sides with the kids or the biological parent.

If you are a person married to someone who has a bratty kid who is driving you crazy (and even to the point of wanting to divorce!), Amy will shame you terribly over it.

Amy will scream and yell about you being selfish, and she will ask you to empathize with the misbehaving, rotten kid.

(That I can recall in all my years of reading her advice column, Amy has never shown empathy to the adult who is stressed and whose marriage is strained over a hard- to- handle step-child.)

This advice columnist,  though, takes the opposite approach and blames the biological mother; he holds her accountable for the poor marital dynamics.

The One Thing Evangelical Leaders Don’t Want Christians to Know about Mixed-Faith Marriages (two links) by C. Cassidy

The One Thing Evangelical Leaders Don’t Want Christians to Know about Mixed-Faith Marriages (two links). by C. Cassidy

I do agree with the author that a lot of Christians demonize all atheists, which they should not do – but to be fair, many atheists I’ve run into online have been either unbearably smug or else they are out-right hostile to anyone who doesn’t share their particular take on theism or atheism.

I grew up in Southern Baptist Churches and was exposed to a lot of conservative Christian content around the home – Christian magazines, books, TV programs, and so on. Most of them went on and on about how sinful, unwise, or wrong it would be for a Christian to marry a Non-Christian, which they refer to as the “Equally Yoked” rule.

I used to be a believer in the “Equally Yoked” rule myself, until several years ago, when I began noticing several problems with it, one being there are more single Christian women then there are single Christian men, and, I’m all the time seeing news stories of Christian men who are jailed for child molesting, wife abuse, or what have you.

So, I realized it’s far more important to judge a man based on his actual actions and how he treats me (and treats other people) as opposed to what he claims to be his religious views.

At this stage of life, I’m more comfortable now with the idea of marrying a kind-hearted atheist man than a sexist or abusive Christian one.

Without further ado, here is the link with excerpts:

(Llnk): The One Thing Evangelical Leaders Don’t Want Christians to Know about Mixed-Faith Marriages.

The follow up post to that:

(Link): The Question that Breaks the Facade (in Mixed-Faith Marriages).

From

(Llnk): The One Thing Evangelical Leaders Don’t Want Christians to Know about Mixed-Faith Marriages.

[Summary: a Christian woman writes in for advice because her Christian husband of 20 years now says he’s an atheist. She’s not comfortable with his atheism but doesn’t want to divorce him]

…The idea of marrying a non-Christian is so far past unacceptable [to many Christians] that it veers into genuine revulsion and anathema.

I’ve got an old binder from a marriage seminar I attended at an SBC church in my mid-teens that painted non-believers as repulsive, ugly, dirty, unkempt people–in one illustration, a hobo-like non-believer is marrying a young woman in a perfect white bridal gown.

I’ve seen countless blog posts from Christian leaders openly wondering if non-Christians have the capacity to love at all, or can even conduct themselves in an honest and compassionate way.

Needy Single Mom Feels Abandoned By Church Family (Ask Amy)

Needy Single Mom Feels Abandoned By Church Family (Ask Amy)

In an older post, I mentioned how it is that some older adults do not recognize just how poorly churches and Christian culture treats single adults until those older adults become single again via divorce or widowhood:
Then they notice how absolutely marriage-centric churches are, and how utterly horrid Christians are about meeting the needs of single adults.

Then you have your married parents who don’t realize how Obsessed With the Nuclear Family most churches are until their (Link): own kids grow up and move out and stop attending church with them.

Then and only then do some Christian married couples wake up to see how absolutely terrible churches are about neglecting single adults or the childless.

The woman who wrote this letter to “Ask Amy” had to go through a divorce before she noticed how anti-singles friendly her church was. Amazing.

Also, I could’ve told this woman that Christians in general are awful at showing concern, care, and empathy for people who are in pain or under-going some stress in life.

Couple Who Divorced Over Woman’s Love of Cats Remarry – Despite Her Having 30 More Felines

Couple Who Divorced Over Woman’s Love of Cats Remarry – Despite Her Having 30 More Felines

(Link): Couple Who Divorced Over Woman’s Love of Cats Remarry – Despite Her Having 30 More Felines

Excerpts:

Professor Trevor Howes, 82, and Marlene Howes, 72 will now live in separate houses after their conflicting feelings about cats led to their divorce

A couple who divorced after falling out about her seven cats have remarried after he spotted her on TV show ”The Woman With FORTY” felines – but this time they’ll live in separate homes.

Professor Trevor Howes, 82, first wed Marlene Howes, 72 in 1968 and they had two children but later split.

A #MeToo Divorce Debate in the Philippines by James Hookway

A #MeToo Divorce Debate in the Philippines by James Hookway

(Link): A #MeToo Divorce Debate in the Philippines by James Hookway

Excerpts:

April 27, 2018

When the tiny island nation of Malta voted to allow divorce in 2011, Melody Alan realized that her own strongly Catholic country, the Philippines, was the only one left in the world without that right (aside from the Vatican).

Last fall, as the #MeToo movement began to ripple out from the U.S., she and fellow advocates for divorce seized the moment and tried to recast the debate.

Ms Alan’s own husband left her and their two children for another woman in 2010. He offered to support an annulment of their marriage (an elaborate court or church procedure) but only if she would pay the entire cost – more than a year’s worth of her schoolteacher’s salary.

“I wanted to be free of him and call myself a free woman, but I couldn’t,” she told legislators in February, when a parade of women appeared before a committee of the country’s House of Representatives. Some recounted abuse at the hands of their husbands, abandonment to a life of poverty and single motherhood with no chance of remarriage.

Last month, a divorce bill cleared the House of Representatives for the first time. …

Woman Chops Off Her Ex-Husband’s Penis With a Kitchen Knife After He Turned Up At Her Home and “Demanded Sex”

Woman Chops Off Her Ex-Husband’s Penis With a Kitchen Knife After He Turned Up At Her Home and “Demanded Sex”

(Link):  Woman Chops Off Her Ex-Husband’s Penis With a Kitchen Knife After He Turned Up At Her Home and “Demanded Sex”

Lira Plaksina said her ex-husband arrived at her home drunk and demanding sex

The 47-year-old told a court he had attacker her at the house in Tatarstan, Russia

But judge found she severed the man’s penis as he was lying asleep on the sofa

When Her Husband’s Away, She Doesn’t Miss Him – Letter to Hax

Yes, you can be married, but if your spouse is a jerk, is selfish, is abusive, or isn’t meeting your emotional needs, you can be lonely within a marriage.

Yet, a lot of Hollywood movies and Christian culture presents this “fairy tale” version of marriage that if you just find the Right One, you’ll be complete, never feel lonely, and so on.

I was engaged to a guy for a few years. I could sit in the same room with him and still feel all alone, so being part of a couple is NOT a guarantee you’ll have companionship or be fulfilled. You won’t often hear that from Christians (or even secular sources) who extol the wonders of marriage.

(Link): When Her Husband’s Away, She Doesn’t Miss Him – Letter to Hax

(Alternate Link to same letter)

Dear Carolyn,

My husband has had to travel for the past several weeks. We have young kids. I haven’t missed him at all.

‘My 600-lb Life’ Participants Not Only Lose Pounds, They Also Lose Their Husbands

(Link): ‘My 600-lb Life’ Participants Not Only Lose Pounds, They Also Lose Their Husbands

by Tiffany White

You’d think after the participants on My 600-lb Life miraculously shed hundreds of pounds that their married lives would improve. But judging by their updates, most end up getting a divorce.

In fact, it’s so common, some weight loss patients call it “Bariatric Divorce,” and one study even said most couples separate within two years after the severe weight loss surgery takes place.

“In general, we know, after bariatric surgery, that people tend to feel much better about themselves,” David Sarwer, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, told The Seattle Times.
“Intuitively, we would think if one partner is feeling better that would only help the marriage. But what we have found is that weight and weight loss can actually play a more complicated role in a marriage or romantic relationship.”

What We Mean When We Say Marriage Is ‘Work’ by Ada Calhoun

What We Mean When We Say Marriage Is ‘Work’ by A. Calhoun

From (Link): the studies I’ve seen, it’s actually women who bear the brunt of the “emotional labor” that this author who is interviewed for this is talking about.

What these studies and articles say is that many men often expect emotional support from women but refuse to provide it in return. That has certainly been true for me with men I’ve known, including male friends and my ex.

The author interviewed in this actually has the audacity to say that marriage makes people more mature and so on – the same view a lot of Christians put forth in their podcasts, sermons, articles and so on about marriage. No, marriage is not necessary to make people better, more mature, etc – see my list here of (Link): married people who are immature or unethical.

(Link): What We Mean When We Say Marriage Is ‘Work’

Excerpts:

…. Marriage, by this popular analogy, is a job. You work at it. If you succeed, you reap rewards. If you fail, you are fired or quit. This model makes sense to our capitalist brains. We like to be set a chore and to be paid for its completion. But de Marneffe argues that this is a terrible way to think about the actual work required by marriage.

“The work isn’t drudgery,” she says. “The work is staying vulnerable.” A key challenge of any long-term relationship is finding the strength to engage emotionally while getting through the day:

I have to go to work, and then I have to cook, and then I have to care about you too? Ugh. Who among us has not had a grueling 3 a.m. conversation with a partner that they would gladly trade for 40 hours of manual labor? I would rather clean the bathroom. I would rather paint a house.

And yet, de Marneffe says, if you want to be a good partner you really should listen when your husband objects to your booby-trapping the freezer.

The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude By Lauretta Zucchetti

The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude By Lauretta Zucchetti

(Link): The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude By Lauretta Zucchetti

….After twenty-five years of marriage to a kind and accomplished man, I found myself alone.

Our decision to divorce was neither acrimonious nor cruel; neither sudden nor impulsive. Rather, our decision to file for divorce was an incremental process.

We had more disappointment than hope, more unease with each other than affection and contentment. As difficult as it was to recognize the wrong turns we’d made in our two-plus decades together, we both realized that it was time for each of us to draw a new map.

…. If you’re going through a similar transition, consider the following benefits of flying solo:

…. 2. Your life will become entirely yours.
Responsibilities have always been a large part of my adult life. From commuting to the office to hosting dinner parties for my husband’s colleagues, rarely did my former schedule allot much time for what I—and I alone—wanted to do.

In the absence of these duties, I found a surplus of time, energy, and excitement to pursue my passions. A candlelight yoga class? An art-house film on a Tuesday that would have been otherwise dedicated to household chores? Cocktails on a school night? Yes, yes, and yes, please!

I discovered the deliciousness of creating my own schedule and following what called to me rather than what was expected of me—and you are wholly free to do the same.

Single Mom Writes to Ask Amy: She’s Into Her Best Friend, But He’s Using Her

It sounds to me as though this guy is stringing her along, and she’d be better off without him.

It’s the second letter on this page:

DEAR AMY: I am a single mom. I’m in love with my best friend. He means more to me than anything, but the one thing he can’t give up is his freedom of being single. He loves me, but wants his cake and to eat it, too.

When I try to move on and date other people, he pulls me back into thinking that he wants to be with me.

I love him so much that I keep letting him play with my heart.

I am having a hard time trying to be “friends with benefits” because I have such strong feelings for him. His family loves me, his daughter loves me and my kids love him and his family.

We’ve been doing this for almost two years. I practically live there when my kids are not with me. I am afraid of letting him go. I’m afraid I won’t find someone like him. What should I do?

(Signed), Confused Heart