Mom Left Husband of 14 Years for ‘Soul Mate’ – Only to Be Rejected

Mom Left Husband of 14 Years for ‘Soul Mate’ – Only to Be Rejected

One thing I’ve never understood about secular and Christian conservatives who are too unrealistic about marriage (and the nuclear family) is how they can continue to view marriage (or parenthood, the nuclear family) through such rose-colored glasses, when we all know people who married and/or had children, but marriage or parenthood left them miserable.

Maybe the person they married turned out to be emotionally or physically abusive, or marriage turned out to be unfulfilling. Maybe their spouse committed adultery on numerous occasions.

Let the story below show once again that the Christian, pro-Nuclear family narrative that “marriage makes people more godly, loving, ethical and mature” is a bunch of hooey.

Marriage didn’t make the woman below, who dumped her long time husband for a hottie she met earlier, more “mature” or less selfish or more ethical.

Whatever the specifics, marriage and parenthood sometimes turn out to be horrible or disappointing.

(A reminder: I am not opposed to marriage, parenthood, or the nuclear family – I’m only opposed to a culture, Christian or secular, that pressure or shame people into having kids, getting married, and treats people who do not marry or have kids, for whatever reason, like failures, weirdos, or garbage.)

(Link): Mom left husband of 14 years for ‘soul mate’ — only to be rejected

by Andrew Court
May 9, 2022

It takes two souls to tango.

A mom of two has been mocked on social media after revealing she left her longtime husband for a man she believed to be her “soul mate” — only for him to promptly reject her.

Amanda Trenfield has been described by critics as a “self-destructive sociopath” for writing about the emotional saga in her new book, “When A Soulmate Says No.”

An excerpt from the tome, published in the Sydney Morning Herald last week, sparked ridicule from readers who claimed the rejection was karma for the fact she had blown up her own marriage.

“She ruined her life for nothing! One of the biggest losses we’ve ever seen,” one reader quipped with glee.

In the extract, Trenfield describes an electric encounter with her so-called soul mate, which occurred while she was at a dinner party with her husband.

Divorce Papers Reveal Lysa TerKeurst’s Husband Spent Over $100K on Extramarital Affair

Divorce Papers Reveal Lysa TerKeurst’s Husband Spent Over $100K on Extramarital Affair

Christians are so wrong about marriage in some ways – some of them fall into the old school secular take, which is, you won’t be fully, really happy, or be a true, full fledged adult and “complete,” until you marry.

You can “equally yoked” all you want to, but even should you marry a Christian (if you’re a Christian) it is not a guarantee that your marriage or married sex will be great, loving, or wonderful.

Your Christian spouse may turn out to be abusive or a serial adulterer.

You are far better off being single and staying single than you are in marrying a guy like this lady ended up marrying in the news story below.

Also: contrary to old school Christian dating advice, you don’t have to be perfect to get a spouse.
That so many murderous or abusive scum buckets manage to marry in the first place (even the self professing Christian ones) should tell you that God is not making your obedience, level of godliness( or whatever else), some kind of criteria or requirement before he will send you a spouse.

(Link): Divorce Papers Reveal Lysa TerKeurst’s Husband Spent Over $100K on Extramarital Affair

By Leah MarieAnn Klett, Assistant Editor
April 29, 2021

A recent court filing has shed light on the divorce proceedings between Proverbs 31 Ministries founder Lysa TerKeurst and her husband, Art, including evidence the latter spent over $100,000 of the couple’s money on an “illicit sexual” extramarital affair with a woman he met online.

Lysa TerKeurst filed for divorce in December 2021 and publicly announced her decision in January, revealing her husband of nearly three decades had engaged in “chosen patterns of behavior that dishonor God and the biblical covenant of marriage.” The couple has five adult children together.

Studies on Falling Out of Love and Breaking Up and How to Recover From a Break Up – Research by Dr. Helen Fisher

Studies on Falling Out of Love and Breaking Up and How to Recover From a Break Up – Research by Dr. Helen Fisher

(Link): A relationship expert reveals the best ways to get over someone

Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of “Anatomy of Love,” says heartbreak has physiological effects on our minds and bodies. There’s a scientific reason it hurts so much.

(Link): Why Breaking Up is So Hard, and How to Cope

Excerpts:

by Kelsey Chun
Feb 2020

There’s science behind a broken heart—but recovery is possible

…  Research has shown why our biology makes breaking up so hard for us, but thankfully it has also provided some helpful tips on what to do if you find yourself in that situation.

… one can better understand the unfortunate aftermath if a romantic relationship should end; it’s something akin to a drug withdrawal. Dr. Fisher and her colleague Lucy Brown also did research on people’s brains after they had just been broken up with, and their findings are in line with Dr. Fisher’s previous research.

While looking at images of their exes during MRIs, three brain regions light up in these heartbroken people: the first is the same brain region that lights up when someone is in love.

Dr. Fisher explains the meaning of this in her TED talk [(Link): The Brain In Love], “When you’ve been dumped, the one thing you want to do is forget about this human being and then go on with your life, but no, you just love them harder.” That brain system is the reward system, and it only becomes more active when you can’t get what you want—a loving partner.

[Self Care Tips After a Break Up]

…While manicures and shopping sprees are certainly nice, real self-care is about taking care of your own emotions, which often looks like being kinder rather than harsher with yourself, letting yourself cry, or saying “no” to activities that might overwhelm you more easily.

On the other hand, self-care might also include doing more, such as getting involved in more activities, hobbies, or projects.

Thousands Question 63-Year-Old Pentecostal Bishop’s Marriage to Teen in His Church (There is a 43 Year Age Gap)

Thousands Question 63-Year-Old Pentecostal Bishop’s Marriage to Teen in His Church

 April 20, 2022

I actually meant to blog about this earlier. I saw a few people mention this on Twitter about two or three (or more??) weeks (or months?) ago, I guess it was.

This is gross. I have never, ever agreed with “may-december relationships,” where someone is more than 5 or 6 years older than their partner. I think they’re nasty. 🤮🤢

Creepy doofus mentioned below has been divorced THREE TIMES. Three. 

Let this go to show you that Christian dating and advice books from years past (I don’t know if they still do this) that advise singles who want marriage that God won’t permit you to marry until you achieve some level of godliness, maturity, or perfection are obviously in error, since creepy perverts like this guy manage to make it to the altar THREE TIMES (or, I guess four, if this is wife four?)

(Link):  Bishop, 63, defending marriage to teen in Iowa court

Excerpts:

DES MOINES, Iowa — Bishop Demetrius Sinegal, the founder of an advocacy organization that works to expose clergy abuse, flew in from Texas and called for a full investigation into the November 15th marriage of Des Moines Bishop Dwight Reed and Jordan Reed of the Christ Apostolic Temple. Dwight is 63-years-old and Jordan is 19.

“This marriage tears at the very fiber of the social construct of the African American family. Children are taught to respect their grandparent contemporaries not to marry them,” said Sinegal.

Iowa law states the minimum age to marry without parental consent is eighteen but Bishop Sinegal claims Jordan’s paternal grandfather came on one of Sinegal’s many online platforms alleging clergy abuse. “He came on and emphatically condemned this marriage. His words and I quote were ‘Her father sold his daughter out and pimped her out for his own self-gain.’”

(Link): Thousands Question 63-Year-Old Pentecostal Bishop’s Marriage to Teen in His Church

Excerpts:

April 20, 2022
By Josh Shepherd

Thousands are calling for an investigation into a Pentecostal church bishop in Iowa who married a teen in his church.

An outside clergyman accuses the bishop of “gross abuse of power” and years-long “grooming” of an underage congregant. And some of the teen’s family members and fellow church members also say they’re concerned she is a victim of clergy abuse.

Divorce Attorney Reveals SHOCKING Reasons That DESTROY Relationships And Cause Bad BREAKUPS – via ‘Women of Impact’

Divorce Attorney Reveals SHOCKING Reasons That DESTROY Relationships And Cause Bad BREAKUPS – via ‘Women of Impact’

I’m not even half way done with this video yet (linked to and embedded below in this post), but this lady in the video is giving some great insights and advice. (I’ve just finished listening to the entire video, and it is worth the entire watch.)

The lady in the video mentions she didn’t get married until around (or a bit after?) age 40.

The divorce attorney (who later became a judge, if I understand correctly) said up until that point, she did get a lot of questions from people asking her why she wasn’t married yet.

(I also had to put up with that, or with other nasty assumptions, from others, when I was still single into my 30s. I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and a lot of Christians wrongly assume if you’re a woman who has not married by the age of 30 or 35, it’s because you are a man-hating feminist or that that you were too “career focused.” It’s a very victim-blaming, sexist world view.)

Some of the points this lady, Faith Jenkins, addressed in the video includes but is not limited to (these are also points I’ve learned along the way with life experience, and just mulling things over):

• You have to know who you are and figure out who you are before you get married.
• It’s far more healthy to learn to be single before you get married.
• Don’t wait to get married to start living and enjoying your life – she says, “being single is not a rest stop. [At the time I was single I concluded that] it’s time for me to really live.”
• Don’t look to someone outside of yourself to make you happy.

(Note from me, the blog owner: this is a big one.
If you go through life making your sense of self worth, happiness, or opinion about yourself contingent upon external circumstances or on how others treat you, you will never, ever achieve stable, consistent, or lasting healthy self esteem or happiness
– and along the way, if you keep making your self worth contingent on how others treat you or their opinions of you, you will tend to attract selfish people, abusers, and very emotionally needy people who will want all your time and attention, leaving you drained
– I’ve learned the hard way that many of the people who will want to use you as a sounding board, a “rock” they lean on, will not return that courtesy to you – they won’t allow you to talk to them about your problems)

• She says you should know who you are before you marry – I think this is also a good idea prior to dating.

If you know who you are prior to dating or marriage (you know your identity and your likes, your dislikes, and your values), you won’t change to please someone else (a lot of abusive or controlling people will either badger you, pressure you, threaten, or demand that you make changes to yourself or your life to please them), and it makes it easier to weed out incompatible or potentially abusive partners.

• She discourages you from trying to clean up, fix, rescue another person, what she refers to as “rebuilding” another person.

I agree with her on that – you ultimately cannot change another person, and you will only exhaust yourself trying. I think a lot of women who do this are people pleasers or codependents, and it’s a huge waste of time.

Vermont Man Gets 27 Years for ‘Vile’ Films of Man Killed, Boy Being Tortured (This Guy Was Married)

Vermont Man Gets 27 Years for ‘Vile’ Films of Man Killed, Boy Being Tortured (This Guy Was Married)

This article says that this man was formerly married (it mentions his ex-wife).

What is one thing we can deduce from this, and the many other gross news stories like this on my blog? We can deduce that marriage (and parenthood) does not make people more ethical, godly, loving, and mature, as is often the claim made by pro-Nuclear Family, pro-natalism, pro-Marriage Christians and conservatives.

(Disclaimer: I am not “anti family” or “anti marriage,” I happen to be a conservative, but I realize that too many other conservatives have turned marriage, the family, and parenthood into idols.)

Not only is this guy a piece of garbage, but so too is the woman who went along with this – he paid her to torture and kill people for money.

That dirt bags like this guy ever got married in the first place (though later divorced) also shows the flaw in the dating and marital advice books I used to read by Christians in my teens and 20s: such books would usually tell the single adult reader that if she wanted to marry, that she would have to reach a level of perfection, or godliness, or some other kind of quality, before God would “bless” or “grant” her with a spouse.

Such Christian teachings make it sound as though marriage is something only the deserving can or should achieve, that getting married is based upon one’s worthiness, etc.

In light of the fact that psychopaths like the one in the news story below ever got married reveals that no, marriage is not something one has to strive or earn; you don’t have to achieve some level of sainthood to be worthy of a spouse, so spare me on that one, Christians.

(Link): Vermont Man Gets 27 Years for ‘Vile’ Films of Man Killed, Boy Being Torture (This Guy Was Married)

March 31, 2022
By  Joshua Rhett Miller

A Vermont man who admitted to paying a Venezuelan woman to kidnap “a slave” and film a sick video of the victim being tortured and suffocated to death was sentenced to 27 years in prison.

Sean Fiore, 38, of Burlington, was sentenced Wednesday after pleading guilty in October to charges of conspiracy to kidnap and kill a person overseas, murder-for-hire and child pornography in his depraved scheme to get a snuff film and footage of a child being brutally abused, according to the US Attorney’s Office for the District of Vermont.

“The defendant paid for and scripted unspeakably vile and horrific videos of a child being tormented, and an adult sadistically abused,” Assistant Attorney General Kenneth Polite said.

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

I like seeing content like below.

It’s nice to see that decades-old Hollywood and Christian propaganda about marriage (or romantic relationships overall) “completing” a person or making him or her happy is a bunch of garbage.

This married guy sounds miserable. His wife doesn’t sound happy with him, either.

(Link): Dear Abby: Lengthy Marriage Now Includes Threats and Ill Will

Dear Abby,

I am a 50-year-old man, married for 25 years. My wife is older than I. In the beginning, it was great, but our relationship slowly started failing, and now we argue about everything.

I feel like I’m trapped in a cage.

We don’t have one single thing in common anymore.

Married Couples Who Meet Online Are Six Times More Likely To Divorce in the First Three Years Than Those Who Meet Through Family or Friends, Study Finds (2021)

Married Couples Who Meet Online Are Six Times More Likely To Divorce in the First Three Years Than Those Who Meet Through Family or Friends, Study Finds (2021)

(Link): Married Couples Who Meet Online Are Six Times More Likely To Divorce in the First Three Years Than Those Who Meet Through Family or Friends, Study Finds

October 30, 2021
By SANCHEZ MANNING

Married couples who meet online are six times more likely to divorce within the first three years than those who meet their partners through more traditional routes.

Research has found that 12 per cent of couples who met over the internet did not make their leather – third – anniversary, compared to just two per cent who found love via family or friends.

The report, by the Marriage Foundation, suggests that those who meet online are at higher risk of divorce because they could be ‘relative strangers’ when they tie the knot.

…For online couples, wider social bonds between families and friends have to form from scratch rather than being well-established over years or even decades.

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make

I have a quibble with #14 on the list. It says you’re not supposed to “keep score” in a relationship.

I think I see what they mean, but…. there are times in your life when you’re in a relationship, whether it’s dating, a work relationship, friendship, marriage, whatever type of relationship, where the other person is in fact self-absorbed, selfish, and/or narcissistic, which means, you will start to notice after so many months or years that you are definitely doing most of the giving most of the time but the other person hardly gives back.

When you’re in an imbalanced relationship, you can’t help but start to notice and feel resentful, and that type of relationship is not sustainable. It’s NOT petty or immature to start noticing and getting angry, resentful, or tired of being exploited by another person. That’s actually a normal reaction.

Point 3 below reminds me of a variation of friendships or other non-romantic relationships: when you, for example, call a family member because you’re upset, sad, stressed or angry about X, but the family member uses YOUR phone call about YOUR problem to say something like, “That sounds bad, but let me tell you about MY bad day / week / month / marriage / job problems.”

And before you know it, you end up listening to THEM talk about THEIR problem for an hour and a half, when you phoned them seeking a sounding board or empathy for YOUR problem.

I’ve had numerous friends and family over my life pull that on me, and it’s totally infuriating.

I was too bashful for years to do anything about it, but a few years ago, when one of my Aunts tried pulling something similar on me – she tried to commandeer the phone call to make it all about HER.

I listened to a moment for her to talk about her, I made a brief comment about “oh, I’m sorry to hear about that,” but then I said, “but anyway, like I was saying to you a moment ago, I’m upset lately, because blah blah blah…” (I pivoted the phone call BACK TO ME).

I didn’t let this Aunt, who is notorious for hijacking of conversations to turn it all back to her and her life, to get away with it yet again.

Here is the list:

(Link): Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make

Excerpts:

March 23, 2022
by Ieva Gailiūtė and Mindaugas Balčiauskas

Anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you it’s no easy walk in the park. Just think about the heated arguments, compromises, and misunderstandings — navigating the ups and downs is quite a task right there, especially when it comes to marriage. Well, no one is immune to the occasional blips and bumps in the road, and this viral thread is here to prove it.

Reddit user Zorra_ decided to find out what blunders happen after people tie the knot and say “I do”. They raised a question on the Ask Reddit online forum: “Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?” Hundreds of professionals rolled up their sleeves and typed some of the things they witnessed during their careers.

…..1. [Relationship Should Take Priority Over Marriage]

I’m not a marriage counselor but my wife posted a very meaningful and controversial article the other day and tagged me in it because I agree with its philosophy.

It was titled “Your kids should not be the most important part of your marriage.”

“I’m a Divorce Lawyer. Here Are The 5 Most Common Marriage Problems I See” by R. D. Palmer

“I’m a Divorce Lawyer. Here Are The 5 Most Common Marriage Problems I See”

(Link): “I’m a Divorce Lawyer. Here Are The 5 Most Common Marriage Problems I See”

Excerpts:

by Raiford Dalton Palmer
March 1, 2022

The advice I always give people about divorce is this: don’t get one. The best divorce is the one you never have, if you can avoid it.

… Here are some of the most common problems that I’ve seen in my law practice.

Infidelity
It seems like the most straightforward reason for a divorce: someone cheated.

But in my experience, infidelity is most often a symptom, not the disease. Apart from pathological cheaters who are in it for the thrill of sneaking around, in my experience with clients, most people cheat on their spouses because intimacy is lacking in their relationship. …

I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband, Advice by S. L. Brown

I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband, Advice by S. L. Brown

I hesitate to link to too many of these advice columnists any more, as months ago, someone admitted to writing bogus letters asking for advice, that were published to Slate, or some other publication. But maybe what follows is real… I’ve certainly known women in real life whose husbands are very selfish.

Anyway, for years, I had wanted to be married, and I never did get married. I eventually made peace with that.

Every so often I see letters like what follows below, or other women’s divorce horror stories – where they had to leave an abusive husband – and it makes me feel even more at peace with the fact I never married.

There’s no point in being married if the person you marry is selfish or treats you like garbage. It’s better to be single, or to stay single, then end up marrying an abuser or a self absorbed jackass.

(Most Christian gender complementarians would command this woman to stay in this joke of a marriage she describes and continue putting up with this horseshit from her selfish husband, because their interpretation of the Bible. 
I think their interpretation of the Bible is totally incorrect about gender roles and divorce… if you’re a grown woman, you have to make choices based on what you believe is best for you, not on another person’s fallible interpretation of the Bible.

If you’re a Christian woman, don’t look for, or count upon, your church’s or pastor’s “permission” to divorce an abusive or selfish husband, because most will not grant it.)

(Link): I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband, Advice by S. L. Brown

January 31, 2022

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a married mom of two kids. My husband is unbelievably selfish.

I do pretty much all of the parenting, housework, cooking, driving to extracurriculars, shopping, etc.

I also pay for virtually everything (we have separate bank accounts). He works a lot less hours than I do for around the same pay.

He spends his free time napping, going to the gym, getting massages … you get the picture.

I spend my free time looking after the kids. We’ve been to therapy, and he has stated that this is just how he is.

I’m beyond resentful and the only thing he contributes to our household right now is to the mess … that I then have to clean up. We live like roommates to the point that he sleeps in another room.

Indian ConMan is Arrested After Marrying FOURTEEN ‘Well-Paid’ Women Over 43 Years By Convincing Them He Was a Travelling Health Official in ‘Dead Easy’ Ruse

Indian ConMan is Arrested After Marrying FOURTEEN ‘Well-Paid’ Women Over 43 Years By Convincing Them He Was a Travelling Health Official in ‘Dead Easy’ Ruse

(Link): Indian ConMan is Arrested After Marrying FOURTEEN ‘Well-Paid’ Women Over 43 Years By Convincing Them He Was a Travelling Health Official in ‘Dead Easy’ Ruse

Feb 16, 2022
by By STEPHEN WYNN-DAVIES

An Indian conman who married 14 ‘well-paid’ women by convincing them he was a travelling health official has been arrested.

Ramesh Chandra Swain, 65, from Odisha, eastern India, targeted mostly middle-aged divorcees, including teachers, doctors and lawyers, who were looking for companionship or marriage.