I’m A 30-Year-Old Female Virgin – Should I Tell The Guys I Date? (Advice Column)

I’m A 30-Year-Old Female Virgin – Should I Tell The Guys I Date? (Advice Column)

My answer to the question posed in this post’s heading (I haven’t read the advice columnist’s response yet): No, you should not, depending on the timing.

You don’t tell someone very personal information up front, not in the first few months of dating, no.

Not unless they start asking you, pressuring you, for sex, within days or weeks of dating, and you don’t want to go there – but even then, you don’t have to disclose you are a virgin, you can just tell them, “No I don’t want to have sex.”

You do not owe them an explanation as to why not.

If a guy starts trying to kiss you, and you don’t want him to, tell him “I don’t want to kiss,” or “I don’t want to French kiss.” You still do not, at that stage, tell him your sexual history.

I’m afraid the lady who wrote this question thinks that when a guy is French Kissing her – which she says makes her uncomfortable, and she’d rather a dude NOT kiss her on their second date – she thinks this means she has to tell him then and there that she doesn’t want to be french kissed by date number two because she’s sexually inexperienced.

No. The two are not the same.

Not wanting some dude to not stick his tongue down your throat is not tantamount to telling him you’ve never had sex before (or whatever your sexual history is).

You can tell him you don’t like that type of kissing and/or you want him to take things slow, that you don’t like to get ‘Handsy’ or into “making out” early in a relationship.

You do not owe him the entire story. You don’t have to give him every detail of your life.

Not only do you not share personal information early on regarding sex when dating someone, but you do not, and should not, share your financial information, and things like that.

There is nothing wrong with telling a guy to slow the hell down – you can tell him upfront on a date at the outset you don’t want to make out, no kissing, no sex, or whatever your parameters are.

If the guy balks at your standards, makes fun of you, tries to cajole you out of your standards, mocks you, or acts like a jerk about it, he’s a loser – don’t waste your time on him.

(Link): I’m a 30-Year-Old Female Virgin – Should I Tell The Guys I Date?

I am an almost 30-year-old straight woman who’s never had sex.

No P-in-V, no oral, not even heavy petting.

I have kissed two guys, neither of which were great experiences (my first kiss was five years ago, and he went from zero to tongue-down-throat).

Continue reading “I’m A 30-Year-Old Female Virgin – Should I Tell The Guys I Date? (Advice Column)”

Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex? America is in a Sex Recession – by K. Jullian

Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex? America is in a Sex Recession –  by K. Jullian – via The Atlantic

(Link): Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex? America is in a Sex Recession – via The Atlantic

These should be boom times for sex.

The share of Americans who say sex between unmarried adults is “not wrong at all” is at an all-time high. New cases of HIV are at an all-time low. Most women can—at last—get birth control for free, and the morning-after pill without a prescription.

If hookups are your thing, Grindr and Tinder offer the prospect of casual sex within the hour. The phrase If something exists, there is porn of it used to be a clever internet meme; now it’s a truism.

BDSM plays at the local multiplex—but why bother going? Sex is portrayed, often graphically and sometimes gorgeously, on prime-time cable. Sexting is, statistically speaking, normal.

…But despite all this, American teenagers and young adults are having less sex.

To the relief of many parents, educators, and clergy members who care about the health and well-being of young people, (Link):teens are launching their sex lives later 

…Over the past few years, Jean M. Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, has published research exploring how and why Americans’ sex lives may be ebbing.

Continue reading “Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex? America is in a Sex Recession – by K. Jullian”

‘We’re In Love But We Never Have Sex’

(Link): ‘We’re in love but never have sex’

By Claire Williams

Some 18% of respondents under the age of 30 have had sex fewer than 10 times in the past year, a survey of 2,000 people on websites Mumsnet and Gransnet has found. Among all ages, the figure was 29%. We meet three couples who, while madly in love, fall into this category.

“Our lack of sex life at the moment is down to me,” Amanda, 35, tells the BBC’s Victoria Derbyshire programme.

“I’m so tired all the time because my job is full on and it’s full on at home. It’s like my libido is tired.”

Continue reading “‘We’re In Love But We Never Have Sex’”

What Asexuals Want You To Know About Asexuality by N. Michelson

What Asexuals Want You To Know About Asexuality by  N. Michelson

I sometimes see Christians who confuse asexuality with celibacy. They’re not the same thing.

(Link):  Why Some Asexuals Masturbate (And A Few Other Things They Want You To Know)

Excerpts:

  • A look at a still very misunderstood orientation.
  • While sexual orientations beyond heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality are beginning to receive more attention and understanding from mainstream culture and the media, asexuality remains fairly misunderstood.

Continue reading “What Asexuals Want You To Know About Asexuality by N. Michelson”

Inclusive Dating Liberals: You Should Date People You’re Not Attracted To Out of a Sense of Guilt or Duty (and which contradicts other liberal feminist views about women and dating)

Inclusive Dating Liberals: You Should Date People You’re Not Attracted To Out of a Sense of Guilt or Duty (and which contradicts other liberal feminist views about women and dating)

I saw this conversation on twitter earlier today. Someone I follow on Twitter re-tweeted one of the tweets, which is how I saw this.

Other than one of the people who re-tweeted this, I don’t think I know any of the participants in this conversation, or who is involved (not at first glance):

I do follow several left wing persons and news sites on my Twitter account.

I sometimes visit left wing sites that discuss politics, feminism, entertainment, and other subjects, so I am partially aware of some left wing causes, views, and so forth.

However, I don’t keep up with the minutia of it and all the nit picky details of all liberal pet causes. Therefore, I do not completely understand their rationale for some views, or all the jargon they use.

Nor do I think I care to learn it all in-depth, as I only have one life to live and would rather spend it doing things like watching repeats of Zombieland on cable and new episodes of Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives.

Apparently, the woman who started out that thread (named Claire) is a lesbian, if I am understanding things correctly.

Here is one of her tweets (link to tweet):

“Not taking transwomen as sexual partners doesn’t mean lesbians don’t consider TW worthy of respect, safety, kindness, friendship, etc.”

—end quote—

Claire went on to Tweet this in the same thread:

“And it is pressure. This insidious idea that if a lesbian won’t consider sleeping with someone, she must be a bigot, is insidious & coercive”

—end quote—

If I am understanding this correctly, she is saying that some people who support transgenderism are demanding that lesbians should date men who underwent some kind of sex change surgery or what have you to appear to be women (I think these persons are called transwomen? As I said, I don’t care to keep up with all the rhetoric of liberal causes and their terminology.)

I cannot agree with a view that says you should date or marry people with whom you are not the least attracted or that you have moral qualms about.

I covered this topic on a previous post on my blog:

I have never felt very attracted to white guys with red hair. According to liberal logic, however, this somehow means I hate gingers, and they would lecture me and insist I date red headed men, even though I really do not want to.

Now you understand I’m not in favor of people who are overly picky in other regards. Like this guy:

Continue reading “Inclusive Dating Liberals: You Should Date People You’re Not Attracted To Out of a Sense of Guilt or Duty (and which contradicts other liberal feminist views about women and dating)”

Sex, God, and a Generation That Can’t Tell the Difference – Millennials Are the “Judge the Prude” Generation on Sexual Morality (from the Millennial Evangelical blog)

Sex, God, and a Generation That Can’t Tell the Difference –  Millennials Are the “Judge the Prude” Generation on Sexual Morality (from the Millennial Evangelical blog)

This editorial is aimed primarily at Millennials, or is primarily about them, but as someone who is Gen X, I can tell you that the attitudes towards sex that this article attributes to Millennials also holds true for individuals who are older than the Millennials.

I, too, have noticed that our culture disdains judging any and all forms of sexual behavior except for virginity (or celibacy): both right wingers and left wingers, and many Christians and most Non-Christians, are very disparaging and disrespectful towards the concepts of virginity, and towards adult virgins themselves.

Virginity (and celibacy) is shamed, ridiculed, and mocked in our culture by just about every one in every age group, regardless of political affiliation or religious beliefs.

I do not see an author’s name on this page, but it comes from the Millennial Evangelical blog. (Edit. There is someone named Chris Martin listed at the bottom of the page; I assume he is the author?)

(Link): Sex, God, and a Generation That Can’t Tell the Difference –  Millennials Are the “Judge the Prude” Generation on Sexual Morality by Chris Martin (?)

Excerpts:

  • ….The only thing Millennials are black-and-white on when it comes to matters of sexual morality is that you aren’t allowed to be black-and-white on sexual morality.
  • Before, it was stigma to sleep with someone before marriage or with a partner outside of your marriage. Today, college students are shamed as cowards and prudes for retaining their virginity on campuses across the country.
  • Before, you kept your sexual activity quiet for fear of shame; today, you keep your sexual inactivity quiet for the same reason.

Continue reading “Sex, God, and a Generation That Can’t Tell the Difference – Millennials Are the “Judge the Prude” Generation on Sexual Morality (from the Millennial Evangelical blog)”

Gonorrhea Super Strain Becoming ‘Untreatable’

Gonorrhea Super Strain Becoming ‘Untreatable’

Another reason of why it’s good to be celibate (or asexual): you’ll avoid stuff like this.

And, by the way, I guess that medical officers in the UK are “slut shamers,” too.

(Link):    New Strain Of Gonorrhea May Become Untreatable, U.K. Officials Say

(Link):   New strain of ‘super gonorrhea’ puts disease at risk of becoming untreatable, doctor warns

(Link): Super-gonorrhea’ in UK may be untreatable, may show up in the US

  • Sixteen cases of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, a sexually transmitted disease, have been reported in the UK, leading the country’s chief medical officer to warn of the rise of “super-gonorrhea.”
  • The resistant strain hasn’t appeared in the US so far, but there is growing resistance to one of the antibiotics used to treat the sexually transmitted disease (STD). This week’s warning from Dame Sally Davies, the UK’s chief medical officer, followed a health alert concerning 16 cases in the north of England among heterosexuals.

Continue reading “Gonorrhea Super Strain Becoming ‘Untreatable’”

Our Bodies Were Not Made for Sex by T. Swann

Our Bodies Were Not Made for Sex by T. Swann

Very interesting editorial.

(Link): Our Bodies Were Not Made for Sex by T. Swann

Excerpts:

  • The Genesis account of creation reveals that God created only one species of human. He said, “Let us make human,” and not “Let us make humans.” What essentially makes one a human then, is being created in God’s image, in God’s “likeness” (Gen.1:26-27). What defines us then is the ruah (Hebrew word for spirit) of God in our bodies (Gen.2:7).
  • God is a spirit. Therefore, when he said, “Let us make man in our own image,” he wasn’t speaking of bodies, but of essence.
  • God created the human body out of dust, a decomposable substance, but what is really human—the soul—is indecomposable. This is the God-like property that dwells in humans. The body is really the “house” or “clothing” of the soul.
  • So if we are the same underneath the “clothing” of our bodies, in our souls, why are so many arguments for gender hierarchy based on that outer covering?

Continue reading “Our Bodies Were Not Made for Sex by T. Swann”

Book About Intersex Individuals Also Critiques How Conservative Christianity Idolizes the Nuclear Family, Sex, and Marriage to the Detriment of Singles and Others

Book About Intersex Individuals Also Critiques How Conservative Christianity Idolizes the Nuclear Family, Sex, and Marriage to the Detriment of Singles and Others

I skimmed the following over the other day. I still don’t have the time or a lot of interest to go back and reread it slowly, but there were a few parts of this that grabbed my attention:

(Link):  The Church’s ‘Intersex’ Challenge – How should we respond to those who don’t seem to have been created male or female? – by M. Anderson, review of a book by DeFranza

Because I have not stopped to read that page slowly, I can’t say how much in agreement I am with the author who is being reviewed, or with the criticisms of the work by the author of the page, Anderson.

The author, DeFranzapoints out how the Christian emphasis on marriage and marital sex marginalizes other groups of people, such as people who do not marry or who cannot marry, and (I’m not sure if I’m explaining her views right, but here’s an attempt), how it may be more proper and biblical to view the Trinity (as well as friendships with other Christians) through the filter of platonic relationship – socializing – rather than through a marriage paradigm.

Here were a few of the portions that I found interesting and applicable to this blog (and some introductory stuff):

  • …DeFranza is right that conservative evangelicals need to attend closely to the ways intersex individuals might challenge traditional “gender binaries” between male and female. But her book leads into a tangled theological thicket, without suggesting a workable path forward.
  • DeFranza’s book is divided into two sections. In the first, she outlines how the medicalizing of our bodies made “intersex” conditions invisible to our contemporary Western consciousness.
  • She then plumbs Jesus’s claim that “some are born eunuchs” (Matt. 19:12), suggesting that the Bible contains resources for recognizing those who do not fit the standard understanding of male and female.
  • And she provides a hasty overview of how we ostensibly went from one sex (male) in the classical period, to two in modernity (male and female), to the postmodern proliferation of sexes. (One theorist proposes five sexes, while another suggests hundreds.)
  • The book’s second half develops DeFranza’s theological response to intersex people, which emerges through her critiques of many figures, particularly evangelical theologian Stanley Grenz and Pope John Paul II.
  • Among DeFranza’s varied and sometimes incisive critiques, she argues that Adam and Eve are not so much prototypes or paradigms for “otherness,” but can be interpreted as “the fountainhead of others who may become more ‘other’ than their parents could have ever conceived.”
  • Genesis, then, is only the beginning of the narrative through which Christians understand their personal identity. As she puts it, “Sex identity as male or female may be essential to personal identity. But there are more essentials than these two.”

Here is some of the most interesting portions of the review, as it describes how Christians over-emphasize the nuclear family and sexuality, in particular marital sex, at the expense of anyone (such as celibate, hetero singles) who are not engaging in sexual activity, or who do not meet gender norms as understood or defined by conservative Christians.

In other words, what this author says of intersex adults can also be true of hetero, celibate adults, or celibate homosexuals as well – churches tend to marginalize those groups, too:

  • Space in the Kingdom

  • Not only does DeFranza’s account try to reframe how we should think about Genesis. It also has implications for our understanding of Christ, the Trinity, and the coming kingdom of God.

  • DeFranza argues that the relationships which best embody the image of God are the bonds we form in churches, rather than the bonds formed in our pursuit of sexual intimacy.

  • As she puts it, the “social imago as the ecclesiological / eschatological community is the proper image of the social Trinity,” rather than marital and procreative communities of male and female.

Continue reading “Book About Intersex Individuals Also Critiques How Conservative Christianity Idolizes the Nuclear Family, Sex, and Marriage to the Detriment of Singles and Others”

Married Virgin Asexual Woman Allows Her Husband To Have Sex with Other Women – Why Christians Need to Emphasize Sexual Self Control For Everyone, Not Just Teen Girls

The married virgin ‘repulsed’ by sex who encourages her ‘perfect’ husband to sleep with escorts while helping him to find a live-in lover

Asexuals are not the same thing as celibates. Asexuals either experience little sexual desire, or none. Celibates experience sexual urges but chose not to act upon them, or cannot, if they are single and believe sex prior to marriage is wrong.

I find it sad I need to explain this up front, but many Christians are very ignorant about celibacy and often confuse it with asexuality: they assume that celibates and virgins over 30 have no sexual desire or urges, or, many Christians assume that celibates find staying celibate easy breezy, that God has “gifted” older virgins so that the older virgin experiences no interest in or desire for sex – which is a wrong view. Totally wrong.

This also goes to show that married sex is not, as Christians teach, “mind blowing.” Christians try to offer incentives to people to stay virgins until marriage, one of which is, “Once you marry, the sex will be frequent and awesome.”

In this article, you have a virgin woman who is also asexual. She wants male companionship minus sexual activity, so she is allowing her husband to have sex with other women.

This is yet another reason why Christians need to emphasize that sexual self control and celibacy is for everyone, even married people, not just for teen-aged girls – but Christians, when they do bother to address the issues of virginity and sexual self control – often only frame it in terms of teen-aged girls. They do not usually remind married couples that they too need to practice sexual self-restraint.

I would also like to remind Christians that married couples do in fact engage in sexual sin. Often times, Christians think that marriage is a cure-all for sexual sin, that if only people marry and marry by the time they are 25 years old, that the couple will not fall into sexual sin.

Christians seem to assume that any and all un-married adults over the age of 25 or 30 are having hot panther sex with a different person every week, which is not so. Yes, our culture is sex saturated, and there is a lot of pre-marital boinking going on, but at the same time, there are people who are sexually abstaining.

The people who are over 25 and 30 and older -who are celibate or who are virgins- could use examples of themselves on television, in sermons, and in books, so they can see they are not alone, so they can have figures in the culture that represent their lifestyle who they can relate to.

Adult celibates and virgins could maybe use some encouragement at remaining chaste, but Christians give them none. All of the Christian community’s energy is directed at supporting “the nuclear family,” and defending “traditional marriage” from homosexual marriage advocates. There is next to no effort at giving practical or emotional support to adult celibates and adult virgins.

(Link) The married virgin ‘repulsed’ by sex who encourages her ‘perfect’ husband to sleep with escorts while helping him to find a live-in lover

As to the news story above. I do not agree with adultery (or “open marriages”) even if both partners agree to it or know about it in advance. I have posted several stories on this blog of married couples who “allow” their partner to cheat on them, or who are “swingers.” This whole thing is awful and makes a mockery out of marriage.

Excerpts from the article.

Asexual Woman Repulsed By Sex Allows Her Spouse to Sleep with Escorts

  • By GEORGINA BISVAL FOR DAILYMAIL.COM
  • Erica Holloway, 30, has known that she was asexual since the age of 15
  • She and husband Andrew, 30, have been married since 2012 but have never had sex
  • IT consultant Andrew has slept with ten other women, including a number of professional escorts, since he married Erica  
  • In the one and a half years they have been married Andrew and Erica Holloway have never argued, have no secrets and are more in love today than the moment they met.
  • Yet incredibly this Melbourne-based couple, both aged 30, have never consummated their marriage – and Erica admits that she has no intention of ever doing so.
  • For while Andrew would love to rip his wife’s clothes off, Erica is in fact still a virgin and reveals to the Daily Mail Online that the very idea of making love to her husband is a complete turn off rather than a turn on.
  • ‘I wish I wanted to have sex with my husband,’ Erica, a graphic designer, explains.

    ‘But I don’t and I know I never will as, while I love him, the idea of sex repulses me.

    ‘We are still very affectionate with each other and love to hold hands and kiss and cuddle, but that’s as far as I could ever go.

    ‘People might think our marriage would be a disaster because of this, but we are as happy now as the day we met.’

    She added that she has known since the age of 15 that she was asexual, after realizing she had never felt sexually attracted to anyone.

Continue reading “Married Virgin Asexual Woman Allows Her Husband To Have Sex with Other Women – Why Christians Need to Emphasize Sexual Self Control For Everyone, Not Just Teen Girls”

Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex by K McGowan

Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex by K McGowan

(Link): Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex by K McGowan

Excerpts:

  • It looks like a standard collegiate prelude to a one-night stand. But there will be no kissing, no fondling, and definitely no Saturday morning walk of shame. Sean and Rae do not have the hots for each other—or anyone else, for that matter.
  • In fact, they’re here hanging out at the campus outreach center, a haven for all who question their sexuality and gender identity, because they’re exploring an unconventional idea: life without sex. Or mostly without sex.
  • They’re pioneers of an emerging sexual identity, one with its own nomenclature and subcategories of romance and desire, all revolving around the novel concept that having little to no interest in sex is itself a valid sexual orientation. Rae tells me she’s an aromantic asexual, Sean identifies as a heteroromantic demisexual, and Genevieve sees herself as a panromantic gray-asexual.
  • Not sure what these terms mean? You’re not alone. The definitions are still in flux, but most people who describe themselves as demisexual say they only rarely feel desire, and only in the context of a close relationship.
  • Gray-­asexuals (or gray-aces) roam the gray area between absolute asexuality and a more typical level of interest. Then there are the host of qualifiers that describe how much romantic attraction you might feel toward other people: Genevieve says she could theoretically develop a nonsexual crush on just about any type of person, so she is “panromantic”; Sean is drawn to women, so he calls himself “heteroromantic.”

Continue reading “Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex by K McGowan”

Moving past stereotypes about sexual desire to find wholeness in Christ By Kelli B. Trujillo

Moving past stereotypes about sexual desire to find wholeness in Christ

I did not like the title of this piece which is:

“Beyond Harlots and Virgins,” hence, I went with their subheading, “Moving past stereotypes about sexual desire to find wholeness in Christ”

I skimmed this. I did not read it closely. From what I saw, it seems okay, I didn’t see too much I’d disagree with.

I have said before on this blog, have noted, that being celibate is not the same thing as being asexual, but a lot of Christians assume the two are the same.

That is, Christians assume that anyone who is willingly a virgin past age 25 or 30, or who has sex at one point but then spends years after abstaining, lacks a sex drive or doesn’t want to have sex, but often, this is not the case at all.

Below, the author states,

  • Is the Christian single woman—who has committed to stay sexually abstinent—really devoid of desire and sexual longing?

I’d like to point out that I’ve seen this go both ways.

Some conservative Christians either assume

  • 1. single women are raging whores who bed every man in sight and will prey on a married man if given even a sliver of a chance, or –
  • 2. they assume that virgins and celibate, single women over age 30 are sexless freaks, who lack a libido and do not want sex at all.

I’ve seen both strains of thought turn up in Christian sermons, books, and blogs.

This article also addresses the fact that some Christian marriages are sexless, or close to it, which runs contrary to the evangelical propaganda that one can always count on regular, hot, satisfying steamy sex after getting married – this is used to entice people to stay virgins until marriage.

This also addressed the fact that sometimes, women have greater sexual appetites than men, and this can create issues in marriage where the wife wants sex ten times a week and the husband only wants sex once per year.

(Link): Moving past stereotypes about sexual desire to find wholeness in Christ By Kelli B. Trujillo

Excerpts

  • These kinds of images surround us, informing our cultural perspective on women and sex. But do these two-dimensional stereotypes stand up to real-life scrutiny? Is that racy, seductive woman dancing really the epitome of female sexuality?
  • Does that young, unmarried, and highly-hormonal couple really have the corner on sex drive while the boring, married, been-there-done-that couple’s sex life obviously pales in comparison? Is the Christian single woman—who has committed to stay sexually abstinent—really devoid of desire and sexual longing?
  • Honesty and life experience both lead us to answer with a resounding no. These flimsy stereotypes serve us poorly, doing little to help us understand and value the complexities of our God-given sexuality.
  • The sexy harlot versus the chaste virgin motif is simply a false dichotomy, for we all are sexual beings—and the drives and desires within us are much more nuanced than the stereotypes suggest.
  • And while the sex-driven single and the sexually-dull housewife may hint toward real temptations women face in different stages of life, they are little more than clichés when viewed in light of the whole and healthy sexuality God has created for both women and men.
  • While the church certainly has a spotty history of honoring it, Scripture itself makes clear that this drive toward intimacy is a good, God-given gift. While sexual temptation may lure us toward sin, sexual desire itself is not equivalent with lust. And while sexual expression is intended for marriage, our sexuality is inherently a good part of our God-made identity and worth, whether we are married or not.
  • Many of our readers responded to our article “How to Connect Sexually with Your Husband,” expressing that unlike the common scenario in which a husband is more interested in sex than his wife, in their own marriages they had higher sex drives. How can a Christian wife respond when she feels her own sexual desires aren’t being met?
  • In  (Link): “When He Has the Headache,” Dorothy Greco candidly explores both the challenges and opportunities for intimacy that come with navigating this challenge as a couple.
  • Sexual desire doesn’t suddenly arrive in life on one’s wedding day; it’s as much of a deeply-ingrained reality for single women as it is for married women. In (Link): “Single in a Sex-Saturated World” Carolyn McCulley examines what it looks like to live in obedience to God in the context of Christian singleness.
  • She highlights the concept of fidelity rather than “purity,” a term that for some carries connotations of shame. Carolyn is gutsy and honest regarding what’s hard—and also what’s rewarding—about determinedly walking in God’s way when it comes to sexual desire and expression.
  • While we seek to honor and celebrate our God-given sexuality, it’s also critical not to turn a blind eye to the ever-present reality of temptation and the powerful draw of sexual sin.

—————————————–

Related posts:

Link):  Christian Gender and Sex Stereotypes Act as Obstacles to Christian Singles Who Want to Get Married (Not All Men Are Obsessed with Sex)

(Link):  When Women Wanted Sex Much More Than Men by A. Goldstein

(Link): Christian Stereotypes About Female Sexuality : All Unmarried Women Are Supposedly Hyper Sexed Harlots – But All Married Ones are Supposedly Frigid or Totally Uninterested in Sex

(Link): Groundbreaking News: Women Like Sex (part 1, 2) (articles)

(Link): Do men really have higher sex drives than women? (article/study)

(Link): Boy Bands, Rock Singers, and Other High School Crushes – Yes, Women Are Visually Stimulated and Visually Oriented

(Link):  Married Woman Signing off as “Looking Ahead” Admits to Being in Sexless Marriage for TEN YEARS

(Link): Problems Created by Conservative Christian Teachings About Virginity, Sex, and Marriage: Christian Couple Who Were Virgins At Marriage Are Experiencing Sexual Problems – Re: UnVeiled Wife (Marriage does not guarantee great sex)

(Link): AARP post: How to Handle a Sexless Married Life – But Christians Promise You Great Hot Regular Married Sex

(Link): I’m Afraid to Have Sex with My Husband – from E. Street – Her Sexless Marriage & She Is Visually Oriented, Prefers Hot, Young Studs

(Link): Jason the Christian’s Sexless Marriage – Christians promise hot regular steamy married sex but it isn’t true

So Long, Compulsory Sex! See Ya, Viagra! Asexuality is Here – by B. DePaulo

So Long, Compulsory Sex! See Ya, Viagra! Asexuality is Here

Yes, thank you. Not everyone is having sex or even wants to. (Then there are celibate heteros who want to have sex, have sex drives, but are choosing to abstain).

(Link): So Long, Compulsory Sex! See Ya, Viagra! Asexuality is Here

    • Guest blogger Kristina Gupta on the power of asexuality
    Published on August 9, 2014 by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. in Living Single

[Bella’s intro: We think society is oh-so-open-minded when it comes to sex. Sexual messages are everywhere. There are endless tips for how to get more sex and enjoy it more. But the incessant sex talk and the unchallenged message that everyone does and should experience sexual attraction is a kind of pressure that makes us, as a society, far less enlightened and open-minded than we should be.

The first post I ever wrote on Asexuality, back in 2009, got more page views than anything else I’ve ever written in more than 6 years here at Psych Today. There was almost no scholarly research at the time. Now we have scholars who have done important work on the topic. There are even a few anthologies on asexuality.

I am so delighted that the co-editor of one of them, Kristina Gupta, has written this guest post for us. She can say something that perhaps no one else can: She wrote her dissertation on asexuality and compulsory sexuality, and has continued to develop her expertise on the matter ever since. Thanks, Kristina!]

Relax, It’s Ok Not to Have Sex Once In Awhile: Lessons Everyone Can Learn from the Asexuality Movement

By Kristina Gupta

In 2009, Dr. DePaulo wrote an excellent post about asexuality, which provides a nice introduction to the contemporary asexual movement.

Just to recap briefly, in the past fifteen years, people in online communities have begun to define asexuality as a sexual identity or orientation.

The largest online community, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), defines an asexual person as someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

Asexual identity is defined primarily by how a person feels, not how a person acts – many people who identify as asexual describe themselves as not feeling internally motivated to engage in sexual activity with other people, but may do so for a variety of reasons.

In regards to the first question, a number of scholars and activists argue that the asexuality movement encourages us to recognize the ways in which sexuality may be compulsory in contemporary society. In other words, our society assumes that (almost) everyone is, at their core, “sexual” and there exists a great deal of social pressure to experience sexual desire, engage in sexual activities, and adopt a sexual identity.

At the same time, various types of “non-sexuality” (such as a lack of sexual desire or activity) are stigmatized – for example, in one study, researchers found that heterosexual-identified people expressed more bias toward asexual people than toward heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual people.

This is not to deny, of course, the fact that our society also continues to stigmatize people – especially women – who are perceived as engaging in “too much” sexual activity.

…This answer to the first question leads into the answer to the second question: what can “sexual” people learn from the asexuality movement?

Many people, even those who consider themselves to be highly sexual, will probably experience changes in their level of interest in sex and/or in their patterns of sexual activity. Sexual desire and activity may change (increase or decrease) as one ages, if one’s relationship status changes, or if other factors that affect sexuality (such as employment status or health status) change.

Yet, as part of compulsory sexuality, our society sends the message than almost any decrease in sexual desire or activity is a major problem that must be addressed immediately.

For example, advertisements for Viagra tell men that they must maintain sexual virility throughout their lives, even if they must take medication to do so (Marshall 2002). Currently, pharmaceutical companies are working to develop drugs for “female sexual dysfunction,” and some feminist activists worry that the ads for these drugs will send the message that women must also maintain high levels of interest in sex, whatever the cost (Tiefer 2006).

…Many mainstream women’s magazines and sexual and relationship self-help books send the message that if a couple begins to have sex less frequently, the relationship is doomed to failure. Some of these books go so far as to encourage readers to have sex even if they don’t want to, in order to prevent a partner from leaving (Gupta and Cacchioni 2013).

All of these messages can create intense anxiety for individuals and couples who experience changes in sexual desire or activity. So what “sexual” people can learn from the asexuality movement is that these messages reflect certain assumptions about sexuality that are not necessarily true all of the time or for all people.

…People who identify as asexual are actively challenging compulsory sexuality and are demonstrating that it is possible to build intimate relationships that are not based on sexual attraction or sexual activity and that it is possible to lead a fulfilling life even if, or perhaps even because, one does not experience sexual attraction. This alternative message can give “sexual” people the space to take a deep breath and ask themselves the question – why am I so worried about this decrease in sexual desire or activity?

((Click here to read the rest))
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Related posts:

(Link): Asexuality and Asexuals

(Link): Virgins and Celibates are Sexual – Not Asexual and Androgynous – You don’t have to have sex to possess sexuality

(Link): Sex is Always the Solution – supposedly, according to Christian writers and preachers. (Also: Christian married men feel entitled to sex, contra 1 Corinthians 7:5.)

(Link):  The Many Reasons That People Are Having Less Sex (2017 article via BBC News)

(Link): Jason the Christian’s Sexless Marriage – Christians promise hot regular steamy married sex but it isn’t true

(Link): Celibate Shaming from an Anti- Slut Shaming Secular Feminist Site (Hypocrisy) Feminists Do Not Support All Choices

(Link): Weak Argument Against Celibacy / Virginity / Sexual Purity by the Anti Sexual Purity Gestapo – Sexual Compatibility or Incompatibility – (ie, Taking Human Beings For Test Spins – Humans As Sexual Commodities) (Part 2)

(Link): TV Already Has Enough Token Homosexuals – Daryl Dixon Should Remain a Celibate Hetero Single – and Not All Older Single Men Are Homosexual

(Link): I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse To Be A Virgin – (Secular Editorial Defends Virginity – More Rare Than a Unicorn Sighting)

(Link): The Christian and Non Christian Phenomenon of Virgin Shaming and Celibate Shaming

Relationship Virgins by B. DePaulo

Relationship Virgins by B. DePaulo

I have a few internet friends who made it to their early 30s and never had a boyfriend, never been on a date. A few of them found this embarrassing.

We do live in a culture that seems to assume everyone has lots of dates as teenagers, but a lot don’t.

Hollywood and TV shows certainly perpetuates this. Almost every show I ever watched had teens on it who were dating. I didn’t start dating until I got out of college, so I never related to the teenybopper crud I saw on TV.

(Link): Relationship Virgins

    Perceptions of romantic relationship virgins are not all bad.

Published on April 5, 2014 by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. in Living Single

I just learned that there is a name for people who make it to their 20s or beyond without ever having had a romantic relationship. They are called “relationship virgins.” Relationship is a big, inclusive word. It encompasses friendships, family ties, bonds with neighbors and mentors and more, in addition to romantic links. So by my definition, there are no “relationship virgins.” But okay, let’s talk about “romantic relationship virgins.”

Continue reading “Relationship Virgins by B. DePaulo”

TV Already Has Enough Token Homosexuals – Daryl Dixon Should Remain a Celibate Hetero Single – and Not All Older Single Men Are Homosexual

TV Already Has Enough Token Homosexuals – Daryl Dixon Should Remain a Celibate Hetero Single – and Not All Older Single Men Are Homosexual

Oh brother. I seriously doubt that The Walking Dead writers are going to actually make fan favorite Daryl Dixon a homosexual, but it sure makes for good publicity.

I cannot, off the top of my head, think of any television show that has an adult single over the age of 30 who is a virgin and who is living a celibate life.

I cannot think of many progressive Christian or secular writers who support adult virgins, celibates, or asexuals. They will sit around blogging in support of every form of sexuality or sexual deviancy under the sun but for people who chose to abstain from sex.

About the entire cast of the GLEE television series was homosexual. The television series “Modern Family” has a homosexual couple who adopted a child. “Will and Grace” featured two homosexual guys as their main characters. “Faking It” is an MTV show about a girl who thinks she might be a lesbian.

There have been several other shows over the years that have featured homosexuals and lesbians. The world does not need anymore homosexual or lesbian characters, any more than the world needs another marriage sermon (see this page).

If folks are going to insist that each and every form of sexuality get equal screen time, I want to see more adult single, hetero virgin/celibate characters. Maybe also include some adult celibate homosexual characters, too.

It is so cliched’ for every character on a show to date, sex it up, or marry – there’s nothing special or interesting about it. One of the reasons I like the Daryl Dixon character is precisely due to the fact he seemingly lacks a love life and sex. It’s just him and his crossbow, shooting zombies in their faces.

No, Daryl Dixon should not be made into a homosexual character who dates. I also don’t want to see him get a girlfriend. Him getting into any sort of sexual or romantic relationship would ruin the character to a degree, maybe totally.

I also want to say that one common view that pops up on pages that report this story is damaging to hetero virgin men who are over 25 or so years of age: the assumption is that if people do not see a man over 25, 30 or older with a woman, he MUST be a homosexual.

This knee-jerk reflection is very insulting and offensive to hetero males who are single into adulthood, ones with Christian or traditional values who don’t believe that homosexual behavior is moral. Just because a man is not dating a woman, has never dated, or has never married or never had sex with a woman, does NOT necessarily mean he is a closeted homosexual or is one in practice.

There are asexual and celibate older HETERO men out there (just as there are asexual and celibate older HETERO women too).

Continue reading “TV Already Has Enough Token Homosexuals – Daryl Dixon Should Remain a Celibate Hetero Single – and Not All Older Single Men Are Homosexual”

Preacher: ‘They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Hot SEX Lives’ – and once more, never-married celibate adults and their experiences, wisdom, and input are ignored

Preacher: They Will Know We Are Christians By Our SEX

Below: link to a video of a preacher saying Non Christians should realize that Christians have better sex than they do, and he seems to think maybe this will persuade the Non Christians to consider the faith.

Hmm. So, if you’re a Christian virgin because you have never married – you know, you’re staying faithful to biblical sexual principles and such – nobody can ever learn anything about Christianity from you. Okay. You big weirdo failure.

Hang your head in shame for making it past 30, 40, or older, and doing what the Bible commands: not having sex because you’re not married.

Pfft, what could YOU possibly know about Christianity, freak?

Non-Christians cannot be jealous of your non-sex! So, Christian singles, get out there and starting porking around so you can make Non-Christians jealous of your awesome sex lives!!

By the way. I don’t get this dude’s strategy. If I were a married lady, I would not necessarily be broadcasting to random Non Christians about my married sex life… that’s a private thing.

I don’t think homosexual Non-Christian couples are going to be persuaded to give the faith a try based upon boastful HETERO Christian couples telling them what smokin’ hot sex lives they have.

The Bible nowhere teaches that Christians are to preach about their sex lives to convert the unsaved, but about Christ and Him crucified for their sins. (It’s so sad that even I know this and a preacher does not, and I have one foot in agnosticism.)

This dude’s teaching also makes the incorrect assumption that most Christians will marry, when the fact is, a ton of us are over age 30 and still single.

It’s a myth that Christians have great sex lives, by the way… see (Link): this post as one example. Or (Link): this one. Or (Link): this one.

Then, of course, you have Christians who are asexual. They have no desire to have sex, and while some want to have companionship, they don’t want to have sex with their partner. I guess they are excluded from representing Christ, too?

What of homosexual celibates, Christians who have S.S.A. who believe the Bible forbids homosexual behavior, so they abstain sexually, how do you think a sermon like this affects them?

What of Christian divorced, widows, and widowers? They should be abstaining sexually to stay true to biblical teachings on sex. I guess they’re up crap creek too in the witnessing department?

Wasn’t Paul the Apostle, who wrote like around 4/5ths of the New Testament a celibate, single adult? How on earth did Paul expect any Non Christians to buy into anything he wrote since he didn’t have hot sex to brag about in his epistles???

‘By their hot sex they shall know you are my followers’? Is that in the New Testament?

No, wait, Jesus said something about, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another,” and the New Testament writer was probably using “agape” for love in the Greek there in that verse, not “eros.”

Oh Jesus, you are so silly! You should have known that SEX SELLS. What were you thinking? Tsk, tsk.

From The Museum of Idolatry blog:

(Link): Idolatry Classic: They Will Know We Are Christians By Our SEX??

      Here is Linn Winters of Cornerstone explaining his dream to the folks in his Church that the world would know we are Christians by how much better our sex is. The name of the sermon series was “Greatest Sex Ever.”

We hate to ask, but how exactly are Christians supposed to demonstrate these superior skills to their unsaved friends?

Truth be told, we never considered sex to be an evangelistic “selling point” until now…

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Related posts:

(Link): Duggar pastor to married couples: Have lots of sex or lose your spouse to the ‘sexual revolution’

(Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents

(Link):   Sex is Always the Solution – supposedly, according to Christian writers and preachers. (Also: Christian married men feel entitled to sex, contra 1 Corinthians 7:5.)

(Link): False Christian Teaching: “Only A Few Are Called to Singleness and Celibacy”

(Link): New website launched to help Christians experiencing same-sex attraction / Editorial about Celibacy by Ed Shaw

(Link): Church Holds Church Services in Strip Club

(Link): Pew for One: How Is the Church Responding to Growing Number of Singles? by S. Hamaker

(Link): Church Holds Church Services in Strip Club

(Link): Typical Erroneous Teaching About Adult Celibacy Rears Its Head Again: To Paraphrase Speaker at Ethics and Public Policy Center: Lifelong Celibacy is “heroic ethical standard that is not expected of heteros, so it should not be expected of homosexuals”

(Link): Perverted Christian Married Couple Wants to “Wife Swap” (For Sex) With Other Christian Couple – Why Christians Need to Uphold Chastity / Celibacy For All People Even Married Couples Not Just Teens

(Link): Problems Created by Conservative Christian Teachings About Virginity, Sex, and Marriage: Christian Couple Who Were Virgins At Marriage Are Experiencing Sexual Problems – Re: UnVeiled Wife (Marriage does not guarantee great sex)

You’re more likely to die during sex than the numbers suggest (article)

You’re more likely to die during sex than the numbers suggest

(Link): You’re more likely to die during sex than the numbers suggest

Excerpt:

    …The obvious way to answer is to look through autopsy reports and single out the ones that mentioned heart attacks during sex. One team did that in 1999, and found that out of 21,000 reports there were only 39 cases of sudden death from a heart attack during sex.

…What’s probably happening, in the end, is the lack of any reason to do an autopsy on someone who died at home in bed with their partner. There are probably three times as many deaths from sex with a partner as there are from sex with a prostitute. Overall, The Coital Coronary posits that, every year in America, there are about 11,000 cases of sudden death during sex. Perhaps it is time to take up permanent chastity.


Related Posts:

(Link): Eight of the Most Shocking Cases of People Who Died During Sex

(Link):  French Couple Having Intercourse In Castle Lose Their Balance, Fall 40 Feet To Their Deaths

(Link):  Couple Fall To Death Having Sex Against Window

(Link): Hackers Could Order Sex Robots To KILL Their Owners, Cyber Security Experts Warn

 

 

Asexuality and Asexuals

Asexuality and Asexuals

I want to point out that many Christian virgins who are over the age of 30 are not asexual, do not lack an interest in sex or romance, or lack sexual desire.

There are some people who are asexual, however, and there might be some Christians who fall into this category.

After having read through one of the following pages about discrimination that asexuals face, I am appalled.

While I do experience some sexual desire, I think that a lot of people make too much a big deal out of sex and sexuality to the extent I’m kind of glad at times that I’m not having sex – I can grasp how someone may not experience any desire at all and still be normal.

I’ve never had sex, and I am not an emotionless robot. I’m still capable of getting close to people without sex being involved.

I can see how someone can live without sex or even a desire for it but be capable of having and feeling deep emotional attachments to other people – sex is not necessary to having meaningful relationships with other people.

I’m stunned that so many people treat asexuals as though they are losers, weirdos or freaks.

Maybe I should not be surprised, since I’ve seen how even a lot of Christians misunderstand mature virgins /celibates (they assume we have a “special gift of celibacy” from God, or that we must have health problems that lower our libido, and so on. They hold so many strange and untrue ideas about people who are virgins into their 30s and older).

Some Christians maintain this idea that a never-married person is not quite human, or not 100% in God’s image, that one only becomes totally in God’s image if one marries an opposite gender person. Below, you will see that asexual people face a similar derogatory stereotype, that they are somehow “not human” because they experience no sexual desire.

(Link): The Asexual Visibility and Education Network

(Link): Battling Asexual Discrimination, Sexual Violence And ‘Corrective’ Rape

    Sexual harassment and violence, including so-called “corrective” rape, is disturbingly common in the ace community, says Decker, who has received death threats and has been told by several online commenters that she just needs a “good raping.”

“When people hear that you’re asexual, some take that as a challenge,” said Decker, who is currently working on a book about asexuality. “We are perceived as not being fully human because sexual attraction and sexual relationships are seen as something alive, healthy people do. They think that you really want sex but just don’t know it yet. For people who perform corrective rape, they believe that they’re just waking us up and that we’ll thank them for it later.”

… “Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature,” the study authors wrote. “This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human and disliked.”

… “I was getting a lot of push-back from the LGBT community,” she said, her voice rising. “I was told that asexuals can’t exist, that asexuals should stop trying to pretend that we’re special. Some people in the LGBT community even told me that asexuals are trying to ‘co-opt the movement.'”

(Link): I am Asexual (and it’s Awesome) from xojane

    Some of us are in long-term intimate relationships, pursue romance, are interested in deep emotional connections with a romantic element. Others, like me, definitely have intense personal relationships, but without elements of sex or romance.

Experiencing a lack of sexual attraction doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to people — I am, just not sexually. I’m attracted to giant sexy brains filled with amazing ideas. And I have deep, emotionally complex relationships with people whom I fiercely love and adore; just not sexually. Or romantically.

(Link): ASEXUALS: Who Are They and Why Are They Important?

    On its homepage, Asexuality.org defines an asexual as “a person who does not experience sexual attraction.” This is a definition about desire – how you feel, and not about sexual behavior – how you act.

…2. Asexuality is not the same as celibacy.

From asexuality.org: “Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships.”

(Link): Ask Amy: Being asexual makes him feel flawed (08/05)

Dear Amy:

    Do you believe a person can be asexual? I am a 40-year-old male who has never dated or had a girlfriend. I just don’t have the desire or feel the need to be sexual. Being this way has ruined my life. I have very little self-esteem/self-confidence. I am so jealous of everyone else. I have accomplished very little in 40 years.

I have tried therapy over the years. and it really doesn’t help. I want to know if you think I would be a good candidate for testosterone therapy. My testosterone has always been on the low end of normal.

The therapist I am currently seeing said it is odd that my testosterone has never fluctuated. Do you have any advice? — Asexual

Dear Asexual:
Your physician is the best person to give you informed advice, medical therapy or refer you to a specialist. Your therapist should offer you support and strategies to deal with your feelings concerning your asexuality.

According to one study published by the National Institutes of Health, approximately 1 percent of the population studied identified as “asexual,” or not experiencing sexual attraction. This is an emerging identification as people become more comfortable describing their sexuality along a broader spectrum. You can peruse the website asexuality.org for information.

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Related Posts:

(Link):  Asexual and Happy – from New York Times