The Art of Being Single by E. Bernstein

The Art of Being Single by E. Bernstein

(Link): The Art of Being Single

Excerpts:

March 2019

After Katie Tomaszewski divorced at the age of 28, she felt ashamed to be alone.

So she did what she thought a single person should do: She over-dated, over-worked and over-socialized, inviting friends over for dinner nearly every night because she was afraid of being lonely.

“It was constant socializing and constant distraction,” says Ms. Tomaszewski, now a 36-year-old Pilates instructor in Chicago. “I became desperate and depressed, looking for someone—anyone—to save me from being alone.”

Yes, it can be tough to be single. But a new study published this past December in the Journals of Gerontology offers hope for those who are struggling.

Singles today are more satisfied with their lives than singles in the past, the study found.

Continue reading “The Art of Being Single by E. Bernstein”

Emma Watson on Being “Self Partnered” (Single) – The Editorial Round Up

Emma Watson on Being “Self Partnered” (Single) – The Editorial Round Up

A week or two ago, movie actress Emma Watson declared herself “self partnered,” rather than use the word “single” to describe her relationship status.

Watson got some amount of confusion or ridicule for using that term. As a never-married woman, I found the term a little strange, but hey, if it works for her, fine by me.

I was engaged for several years, from my late 20s into my early 30s. My ex fiance was a self absorbed idiot. I am better off single than in a relationship with a loser like that. 

Anyway, there have been a few editorials defending Watson on this point, such as this one:

(Link): Emma Watson looked shame in the face and won

Excerpts

…”I never believed the whole ‘I’m happy single’ spiel,” she told Vogue in an interview published this week. “It took me a long time, but I’m very happy [being single]. I call it being self-partnered.”

Now anyone might be forgiven for being blindsided by the “consciously uncoupled”-esque vibe of that remark at first glance. Indeed, many outright jeered. “Self-partnering means you can’t get a bloke, right?” suggested British TV host and, we can only assume, self-appointed relationship expert Piers Morgan.

“What’s wrong with being single?” Twitter users demanded.

But isn’t that kind of the point? If society was kinder to single women, and our associations with the word “single” were generally more positive, there wouldn’t be any need for Watson to coin the phrase.

Continue reading “Emma Watson on Being “Self Partnered” (Single) – The Editorial Round Up”

‘I Hate Dating Apps So Much!’ By Heather Havrilesky

‘I Hate Dating Apps So Much!’ By Heather Havrilesky

(Link): ‘I Hate Dating Apps So Much!’ By Heather Havrilesky

Dear Polly,

I’m a huge fan, and I’m so grateful for your writing. There is one area, however, where I think you may have a blind spot, and that is the absolutely terrible plight of trying to find love on dating apps.

Your general advice about the pursuit of love always resonates:
Build a life alone that you love; hold onto your belief that love exists even when it makes you feel vulnerable and uncool; if you meet someone you think you like but they’re tepid or not fully invested, go ahead and tell them to fuck off.

I now read this and think, “Yep, got it, great advice, duly noted.”

My execution is sometimes imperfect, but I remain fully convinced that you are right about these things.

However, that belief doesn’t change the day-to-day, grueling nature of what “being open to love” in 2019 entails.

I am 35 years old, and I have been on and off dating websites or apps for almost a decade.

During that time, I’ve met a very small handful of people I ended up caring deeply for, or felt I could deeply care for, but for various reasons it has never worked out.

Continue reading “‘I Hate Dating Apps So Much!’ By Heather Havrilesky”

Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single by L. Gottlieb

Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single by L. Gottlieb

Oh yes, I’ve been through this (what this advice columnists discusses below).

I’m the single lady who has had to sit and endure listening to women friends in relationships either bitch, moan, and gripe about their husbands or boyfriends every time they phone me or meet me in person, or they forever gush about how great and romantic their husband or boyfriend is.  And both scenarios are horrible.

Either way you look at it, it’s unbearable as a single woman who wants to be married to have to sit and listen to some married cow  (or cow with a boyfriend) either brag about how great her man is, or complain about how thoughtless, stupid, mean, or selfish he is. Neither scenario is a win for the single woman who wants to have a boyfriend or husband but can’t get one.

In the last few years, I’ve personally come to terms more with being single in spite of having wanted to be married, but I remember the long years of what it felt like to listen to married women friends (or friends with boyfriends) complain incessantly about their significant other. It felt terrible.

With a few of them, I did speak up and remind them I’d like to be married, that I wish I had a husband to complain about like they did (or conversely, I’d drop hints that me listening to them gush excitedly about their upcoming wedding was hard for me to listen to, since I was single, lonely, and I had no wedding in my future).

The only thing I ever got out of these women was a “deer in the headlight” look – it didn’t compute with these insensitive, self absorbed dolts that they should neither excessively or frequently complain nor excessively or frequently gush about their husbands to a woman friend of theirs who was single and didn’t like being single. Didn’t compute with these self obsessed idiots.

They’d just stare at me oddly as though they didn’t understand what I was conveying, and they would then prattle on more, complaining (or praising) their husband or boyfriend.

A message here to married women and women with boyfriends: your single women friends who are single and who hate being single do NOT want to listen to you go on and on about your man, your relationship, your wedding, your anniversary, etc, whether it is positive or negative. Please keep it to yourself – at the least, keep it brief and infrequent.

(Now that I’ve been on better terms with my single status, no, I still don’t like listening to women friends endlessly go on and on about their boyfriends and husbands. I get bored, and I find these women to be very self absorbed, they seldom take an interest in me or my life.)

Also, message here for the married ladies (or women with boyfriends): stop USING your single lady friends.

You married women (or women with boyfriends) only phone or want to hang out with us single ladies when your husband (or boyfriend) is out of town for his job, or you’re in a nasty fight with him, so you call us up, you call up your Single Lady Friends, to talk to us, or to hang out with us.

But the minute your man gets back in town, or you patch things up, you drop us single lady friends like hot potatoes. You are using your single women friends, which is not okay, you shallow, selfish cow. Stop it.

(Link): Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single

Listening to my friends talk about their relationship problems is getting really tough.

LORI GOTTLIEB
JUN 3, 2019

Dear Therapist,

How do I tell my friends I really don’t want to hear about the problems they are having in their relationships? It is really hard for me to listen to them complain about their spouses or significant others when I am fighting hard to accept being single.

Continue reading “Dear Therapist: It’s Hard to Accept Being Single by L. Gottlieb”

Thoughts Regarding ‘Both Purity Culture and Hook-Up Culture Failed Me’ by A. Murrish

Thoughts Regarding ‘Both Purity Culture and Hook-Up Culture Failed Me’ by A. Murrish

First, here is a link to the page I will be discussing:

(Link): Both Purity Culture and Hook-Up Culture Failed Me

I don’t care for this editorial.

For one thing it sort of spiritualizes the status of singleness, which is grating to any adult over the age of 35, who had hoped to marry, but is still single.

Next, the author points to the church as a solution for singles.

She is essentially telling marriage-desiring singles to lose themselves in church, to find belonging in church groups.

The problem with this is that for many never-married adults (and some divorced and widowed) over the age of 30, most churches either ignore adult singles, or they insult adult singles, because they are too preoccupied with promoting marriage and catering to the needs of married couples.

Continue reading “Thoughts Regarding ‘Both Purity Culture and Hook-Up Culture Failed Me’ by A. Murrish”

The War Over Marriage Is Raging; Single People Are Winning by B. DePaulo

The War Over Marriage Is Raging; Single People Are Winning by B. DePaulo

(Link):  The War Over Marriage Is Raging; Single People Are Winning

Excerpts:

Once again, the claim that marriage is greedy has people riled up

July 11, 2019

To everyone who has been rooting for, and working on, the telling of a more accurate and affirming story about single people, and the shattering of myths about married people, there is good news: We are winning.

Continue reading “The War Over Marriage Is Raging; Single People Are Winning by B. DePaulo”

What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway

What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway

The following article (book review) from Christianity Today covers several topics about singleness and the church I’ve been pointing out on this blog for literally years now.

One big point it brings up that I have: there are more single Christian women in the church than there are single Christian men. This means if a Christian single female insists upon following the “equally yoked” rule (that states a Christian may only marry another Christian), she will remain single.

If you are a single Christian woman who desires marriage, it is imperative you ditch the ‘equally yoked’ rule. You must learn to judge men based on their character, not what their stated religious beliefs are.

(Link): What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway

Excerpts:

New survey research sheds light on how believers navigate the stickier matters of dating and marriage.

July 10, 2019

Over the years, Christians have produced and read far more books on how relationships and singleness should work than on how these things actuallydo pan out. Vicky Walker’s new book Relatable: Exploring God, Love, & Connection in the Age of Choice, based on a survey of more than 1,400 people, aims to change that.

Walker writes from a more-or-less Protestant British perspective, but American Christians will find much they recognize.

Over the course of 12 chapters and several appendices, Relatable covers everything from the history of marriage to typical teachings on gender roles to, of course, sex. But she also gets into stickier matters like the role of technology and the church’s significant sex-ratio gap—the latter a topic that raises questions of dating outside the faith.

Continue reading “What Christians Really Think About the Church’s Relationship Advice by Anna Broadway”

Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest: 2019 Study

Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims

(Link): Women are happier without marriage and children, says new study

Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan says it’s time we reevaluated what success really means

(Link): Wondering why unmarried women without children are happiest? Listen to mothers and wives

Child-free women know that expecting something outside of yourself to bring happiness is a sure-fire way to end up disappointed

Continue reading “Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest: 2019 Study”

It’s Not Too Late, And You’re Not Too Old

It’s Not Too Late, And You’re Not Too Old

I saw a Tweet by a lady the other day who said she is in her late 50s, that she would very much like to be in a serious relationship (she’s tired of being single, I think), and she was feeling discouraged because her friends are telling her that she is ‘too old to have a serious relationship at her age.’

No, she isn’t, and no, it’s not.

First of all, may I suggest that if you are constantly surrounded by recurrently negative friends and family, and ones who complain a lot and are fault-finders, who do things like talk negatively about your hopes, dreams, and goals, who tell you that your dreams will never come to pass, that you begin by limiting your time with these people?

Research has shown that it’s better for your mental health and increases your chances of success at whatever your goal is if you more often than not surround yourself with regularly positive people, and ones who support you and your goals.

If you are someone going through a difficult time right now, whatever your situation is, it’s not true that “you are too old” or “it’s too late” for your goal or dream in life.

This is for you.

(Link): Don’t Give Up On Your Dream

(Link): This Bride Found Love and Got Married At Age 93

(Link): 80 Year Old Bride Marries for First Time in Nursing Home

Continue reading “It’s Not Too Late, And You’re Not Too Old”

In Which U.S. Cities Do The Majority of Single Christians – Specifically Those Who Regularly Attend Church – Live? by B. Showalter

In Which U.S. Cities Do The Majority of Single Christians – Specifically Those Who Regularly Attend Church – Live? by B. Showalter

There have been so many articles released this past week pertaining to the topics I normally blog about here, I can barely keep up. Here’s another one.

The second article below is from The Christian Post (as I said below the Tweet of this that was put out by The Christian Post: “Does it really matter since most churches do not have over 30s age singles groups and/or they insult singles for being single?”)

(Link): Single Practicing Christians Tend to Be in Big Cities – via Barna

(Link): In which U.S. cities do the majority of single Christians – specifically those who regularly attend church — live?

Excerpts:

by B. Showalter, Feb 2019

Which U.S. cities do the majority of Christian singles call home?

The majority of Christian singles tend to dwell in large East Coast cities, according to Barna.

In a study (Link): released this week, researchers unpacked how much the dating and relationship landscape has changed in the U.S. Barna has consistently tracked for many years the relationship status of practicing Christians — defined as those who attend a religious service at least once a month, self-identify as Christian, and say their faith is important to them.

Continue reading “In Which U.S. Cities Do The Majority of Single Christians – Specifically Those Who Regularly Attend Church – Live? by B. Showalter”

Christians In Love With Non-Christians (and Their Christian “Friends” Who Object) by John Shore

Christians In Love With Non-Christians (and Their Christian “Friends” Who Object)

(Link): Christians In Love With Non-Christians (and Their Christian “Friends” Who Object)

Excerpts:

[The author reproduces some correspondence from Christian women who say they are or were dating Non-Christian men, but their Christian friends objected]

…You know what else is not a Christian thing to do (or what shouldn’t be, anyway)? Putting religious dogma ahead of being a friend.

Continue reading “Christians In Love With Non-Christians (and Their Christian “Friends” Who Object) by John Shore”

Depressing Books And Spiky Plants Could Be Turning Your Home Into A Man Repellent, by R. Reid – Bad Dating Advice

Depressing Books And Spiky Plants Could Be Turning Your Home Into A Man Repellent, by R. Reid – Bad Dating Advice

This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read (link is below). A therapist took a look at a single woman’s apartment and told her that her decor could be acting as a “man repellant,” so she told the woman to get rid of pictures of herself, spiky houseplants, and a t-shirt with a woman’s face printed on it.

Most dating advice will admonish you to be yourself, which is good advice. Articles like this one I am quoting below contradict that solid, timeworn advice.

If you are a single woman with your own apartment or home, you’re being told to change it to be more appealing to any men you have over who you are dating.

This is like the advice that tells women to “grow your hair long, because men are turned off by short or medium hair on women.” That is terrible advice.

I’m not saying that all relationship advice is terrible.

Continue reading “Depressing Books And Spiky Plants Could Be Turning Your Home Into A Man Repellent, by R. Reid – Bad Dating Advice”

Never Married Person Ticked Off Because Churches Don’t Support Never Marrieds Who Do Not Want To Be Married

Never Married Person Ticked Off Because Churches Don’t Support Never Marrieds Who Do Not Want To Be Married

I once posted to a thread about adult singleness at another blog in 2014.

A person or two left comments there that I am just now, in 2019, seeing (as of last night).

I support single adults who’ve always been single who do NOT want to be married.

I’m a never married adult who wanted to be married, but it did not happen for me.

A person calling him or herself “Ehartsay” left a comment in that thread in 2014, (Link): here. I will just assume this is a woman poster.

Here is a portion of her comment:

by Ehartsay:

It has started to leave be with a feeling like even in this camp it is really only accepted to stay longterm single because of high standards, but still holding out hope for marriage, and not because you simply don’t want to be or care care about getting married

Even the ‘Christian Pundit’ seems to take care to establish that she wanted and still wants to get married, and would have been but for circumstances.
How about some live [love] for the marriage averse among us?
//////

Here is the reply I left to her:

Ehartsay,
Why are you criticizing me for wanting to be married? That’s what it sounds like you’re doing. I wish I had seen that post of yours back in 2014 – it’s five years later now.

On my blog, I have said in different blogs posts over the last few years I don’t have a problem with singles who enjoy being single and have no desire for marriage, and I’ve said on my blog that churches should treat such singles with respect and not try to cram marriage down their throats.

But I find your nit picking over my comment to be insulting.

What is it to you if I honestly would still like to marry?

Continue reading “Never Married Person Ticked Off Because Churches Don’t Support Never Marrieds Who Do Not Want To Be Married”

Cathy The Single Woman Asks Pat Robertson Why God Has Not Replied to Her Prayers for Years to Send Her a Spouse

Cathy The Single Woman Asks Pat Robertson Why God Has Not Replied to Her Prayers for Years to Send Her a Spouse

On the December 10, 2018 episode of Christian program “The 700 Club,” (which you can view (Link): on You Tube here, the letter comes at 45.27 mark in the video) some single lady wrote to Pat Robertson (adult singles, (Link): stop writing Pat Robertson with your relationship questions, you will seldom get an empathetic reply!), and she said,

[Dear Pat],
I have been asking God for a godly husband for years, but it hasn’t happened yet.  So does that mean God doesn’t want me to be married?
[Signed,]
Cathy

Pat Robertson basically tells Cathy that he doesn’t know what to say, but he tacks on his standard “God puts the lonely in families” reply, which I’ve discussed before on this blog: the truth is that no, despite that Bible verse about God putting the lonely in families, that is not true.

Continue reading “Cathy The Single Woman Asks Pat Robertson Why God Has Not Replied to Her Prayers for Years to Send Her a Spouse”

Never Married Adult Man Named Stephen Asks Christian Host Why God Has Not Answered His 3-Decades Long Prayers to Send Him A Wife

Never-Married Adult Man Named Stephen Asks Christian Host Why God Has Not Answered His 3-Decades Long Prayers To Send Him A Wife

On the November 2, 2018 episode of “The 700 Club,” some guy named Stephen wrote in with a question about singleness and marriage, and host Gordon Robertson answered it.

You can find the question on You Tube (Link) here, and that part of the show is in the last 5 – 10 minutes of the show. You can also watch that same episode on (Link): The 700 Club web site.

I will discuss the letter from Stephen more below.

First, I wanted to say…
Within the past 2 – 3 weeks, 700 Club has been running more than their usual number of questions from viewers about singleness and asking why hasn’t God sent them a spouse, such as this one:

(Link): James the 40 Something Year Old Single Guy Asks Why Don’t Churches Help Single Adults Get Married

I have watched this 700 Club show daily since around 2005, and sporadically prior to that, for years (my mother used to watch this show when I was a kid in the 1970s, so I’ve seen plenty of it).

Well, in most episodes, 700 Club rarely, rarely addresses adult singleness. They mostly feature married couples who are having affairs or financial problems.

They rarely address singleness, unless they have a 30- or 40 -something female co-host who is single.

Continue reading “Never Married Adult Man Named Stephen Asks Christian Host Why God Has Not Answered His 3-Decades Long Prayers to Send Him A Wife”

Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single

Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single

Before I get to the link to the news article about more young people choosing to stay single:

I’d just like to remind anyone out there that not all singles are single by choice. Some singles, like me, had expected and hoped to marry, but we’re still single due to circumstances.

I have to mention this because many conservatives and conservative Christians love to go into shaming mode and criticize adult singles for never marrying.

They especially like to insult, shame, and guilt trip Christian singles; they assume quite incorrectly that all adult singles intentionally chose to avoid marriage.

Many Southern Baptists, for example, like to incorrectly assume that all single females over age 30 chose career over marriage and shame us for being single. In fact, many of us had wanted to be married and did not place career over marriage.

I don’t have an issue with singles who do choose to remain single, however.

They should not be shamed for their choice.

I’m just saying I get sick and tired of Christians, such as Southern Baptist Al Mohler and Christians such as Bradford Wilcox and socialist Mark Regnerus seeing news items like the following, and wrongly assuming that ALL singles remain single by choice.

Al Mohler, other Christians, and secular, conservative think tanks shame and scold singles for not marrying, because they have this incorrect understanding of the Bible that the Bible says God prefers or wants all adults to marry, or, they wrongly believe that the Bible says that marriage “fixes” culture (the Bible does not teach anything like this, but actually says, per 1 Cor 7, that it is better to remain single).

Singles-shaming conservatives also love to write and publish and repeat bogus  studies that claim things like being single is far worse than being married, singles die younger than married people, married people supposedly have better health than singles (they do not), and so on – Bella dePaulo debunks (Link): a lot of those claims on her blog.

(Link): Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single

October 10, 2018

By Christian Gollayan

Millennials are ditching relationships and embracing singledom, according to a new survey.

Tinder and consulting firm Morar HPI surveyed 1,000 singles between 18 to 25 years old and found that 72 percent “have made a conscious decision” to stay single.

“Solo status gives young adults a sense of adventure, independence and empowerment,” the dating app said. “An overwhelming majority of young adults agree that being single benefits them beyond their romantic lives.” Continue reading “Why Millennials Are ‘Consciously’ Choosing To Remain Single”

Those “God Brought Me My Spouse” Stories – Woman Says God Brought Her A Spouse on the Beach

Those “God Brought Me My Spouse” Stories – Woman Says God Brought Her A Spouse on the Beach

I’m really not supportive of these types of stories, the type that you see below.

When I was a teen and in my 20s, I would read Christian books and magazine articles. Every so often, I’d see an author claim that God answered her prayers by sending her a Christian spouse.

Now that I’m in my 40s and still not married – in spite of having faith and praying since youth that God would send me a great guy – I think these stories are fanciful and that they are aberrations.

I’m leaning more towards the opinion now that if you want to get married, it’s up to you to make it happen – by going to bars, asking friends to fix you up, going on dating sites – rather than expecting God to make it happen.

So, I find stories like the ones below misleading.

(Link):  Chance meeting on beach leads to marriage with godly man

– – Sunday, July 30, 2017

Thirty-four years ago this month, I was fresh out of college and earnestly seeking God’s will in my life. My heart was hungry for a godly man of outstanding character.

And though I had decided that compromise in this most critical of relationships was not an option, I was beginning to doubt whether a man of that quality could possibly exist, or if I would ever find him.

Little did I know that God already had set his answer to my prayers into motion.

Continue reading “Those “God Brought Me My Spouse” Stories – Woman Says God Brought Her A Spouse on the Beach”

I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)

I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)

(Link):  I’m in my 40s, want to marry, but never like a guy more than a year. (Letter to Advice Columnist)

Prudie advises a letter writer who is fortysomething, wants to marry, but never likes a guy for more than a year.


[Dear Prudie]:

Q. Uncertain: I’m in my early 40s, never married, no kids, but always wanted both. I’m in a relationship of 10 months. The guy could not be sweeter or a person of better character.

He loves me and treats me well. I was so in love the first six months but he is increasingly getting on my nerves—he is a bit quirky and goofy. And I don’t always find it amusing; increasingly I find it irritating.

Continue reading “I’m In My 40s, Want To Marry, But Never Like A Guy More Than A Year (Letter to Advice Columnist)”

Love Is Patient: Rare Snail Finally Meets Mate Willing to Accept His Differences by K. Bender

Love Is Patient: Rare Snail Finally Meets Mate Willing to Accept His Differences

I think there may be a lesson in here somewhere for humans.

(Link): Love Is Patient: Rare Snail Finally Meets Mate Willing to Accept His Differences

Excerpts:

by K Bender, Nov 11, 2016

To the human eye, Jeremy doesn’t look that different from most snails, but to other snails he is rather unique.

Due to a genetic mutation, Jeremy’s shell swirls counterclockwise and his sex organs are located on the left side of his head, the opposite arrangement of most snails. According to (Link): NPR, this rare “lefty” look has made it nearly impossible for Jeremy to find a mate, because his sex organs don’t align with those of other snails.

Luckily, Jeremy found a friend in Angus Davison of the University of Nottingham, who is working with a team to find out what gene creates this one in 100,000 anomaly. One of the best ways to do this is to study Jeremy’s offspring. But first the snail has to have offspring, which requires another counterclockwise snail. 

To find a mate for the lovelorn snail, Davison asked the public for help on Twitter, attaching the hashtag #snaillove to his plea.

Continue reading “Love Is Patient: Rare Snail Finally Meets Mate Willing to Accept His Differences by K. Bender”

Is the One True Love Biblical? On Hope, Choice and Responsibility by C. Woolgar

Is the One True Love Biblical? On Hope, Choice and Responsibility by C. Woolgar

(Link): Is the One True Love Biblical? On Hope, Choice and Responsibility

Excerpts:

July 2016

I was recently asked if the idea of ‘the One’ was biblical and I decided to blog about it as I think it’s essentially a question about how romance relates to hope.

...So: is the idea of ‘the One’ consistent with the Bible?

I’m going to say more no than yes.

It’s not that God never does bring ‘the One’ into a Christian’s life (he does), but specifically expecting that God will do this makes too many assumptions about life and how God works. And it encourages too many unhelpful behaviours.

Continue reading “Is the One True Love Biblical? On Hope, Choice and Responsibility by C. Woolgar”