Miserable in a Marriage to a Covert Narcissist – Content by Renee Swanson – Complementarians Push People to Stay in Toxic Marriages Like This One (This Content Can Help Single Adults Too)

Miserable in a Marriage to a Covert Narcissist – Content by Renee Swanson (This Content Can Help Single Adults Too) – Complementarians Push People to Stay in Toxic Marriages Like This One

This post has been edited to add more material

It would be nice if more psychologists, therapists and lay persons wrote articles or blog posts from the vantage of how things affect single adults, but that’s not always the case.

As you know from my blog, I am a never married, middle-aged adult. Yet, I still find some content about marriage helpful in navigating or understanding my relationships with family members and friends.

This lady, Renee Swanson, has a blog, several social media channels, and a podcast about having been married to a Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissist for 21 years – in my opinion, based on what she’s written, her husband is not only a Covert Narcissist but displays elements of what is called Neglectful Narcissism (more on that below).

It looks to me as though some of Swanson’s accounts have not been updated in two or so years, but the content is still quite helpful and illuminating.

I’m going to excerpt a few of her blog posts below.

I want you to note that contrary to what extreme marriage (and parenthood and nuclear family) promoters have to say, that marriage (and parenthood, etc), does not necessarily make a person happy, safe, and secure, as Renee Swanson’s content once again demonstrates.

The person you marry, should you marry, can end up being emotionally, sexually, financially, or physically controlling, negligent, or irresponsible.

There are some personality disorders for which there is no cure, and for which the disorder is largely impervious to therapy.

Which means, should you marry someone with one of those disorders, such as severe pathological narcissism, your partner is never going to change or get better, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, or how much you do for them, love them, or pray for them.

I think that the Christian gender complementarian interpretation of the Bible is incorrect on many topics, but certainly in regards to divorce.

Many complementarian persons, churches, denominations, and pastors believe that the Bible never allows for divorce, including in cases of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

Such anti-divorce, complementarian churches and pastors frequently mistakenly teach people (usually women) who are married to abusers to simply submit more to their spouse, and that will make the mistreatment stop. Such pastors, churches, etc, are entirely ignorant about personality disorders and abuse dynamics.

If these complementarian, anti-divorce clowns spent any time at all looking up information on abuse dynamics or personality disorders, they would learn soon enough that there is nothing another person can do to fix, change, or heal an abusive or toxic person – and the spouse sure won’t be able to do it.

I’ve never married, but I’ve had family members, co-workers, bosses, friends, and acquaintances display presence of disorders or toxic behaviors, and no matter how kind and loving I was to those persons, it didn’t get their abuse of me to stop.

In each case, I either had to limit contact with the toxic person, or cut them out of my life entirely. The same should be true of marriage – you may have to limit contact with your toxic spouse (grey rocking or yellow rocking), or divorce the person.

The following blog post by Renee (the second one featured below, particularly) accurately explains many family and friendship relationships I’ve had over the course of my life.

I used to be extremely Codependent until a few years ago, and during the time I was Codependent, I often attracted Vulnerable Narcissists, or self absorbed, perpetually angry (or depressed) people, who would contact me mainly to complain to me about their problems, where they’d expect me to just listen and give empathy, something I did for many people for many years, and it left me mentally exhausted.

And those who used me as their “Free Therapist” rarely did anything to work on their own problems or their own mental health.

Such persons preferred to take their frustration, disappointment, pain, or anger in life, and phone or text me about it, and make their pain my pain.

It’s as though some of them wanted me to handle or carry their inner pain for them, so they wouldn’t have to face it or carry it themselves. But no person can do that for another person. It’s something we must each do for ourselves.

And the people dumping all their pain or anger in life on me very rarely (or never) allowed me to discuss MY pain or MY frustrations in life with THEM.

When you are a people pleaser, an emotional dependent, a Codependent, or an empath with no boundaries, you will often end up in these unfair friendships (or marriages), where you’re meeting the needs of the perpetually wounded or disordered person, but they generally refuse to meet your needs in return.

(Link):  The Narcissist’s Constant Victim Role

Excerpts:

by Renee Swanson

Covert narcissists are constant victims. Everyone has done them wrong. Everyone has injured their precious ego at some point or another.

The whole world is responsible for their anger, negativity, lack of initiative, lack of motivation, and even their lack of empathy. From the tiniest injury to the grandest, the narcissist continues to be the never-ending victim.

This causes all relationships with the narcissist to be strained and exhausting.

When the narcissist plays the victim so well, it leaves you with two roles in life. You are either the therapist or the enemy. You are either the rescuer or the perpetrator.

The trouble is that healthy people do not want to play these roles with their loved ones.

Your Role as a Therapist

Healthy individuals recognize that they cannot serve as a rescuer to their parent, spouse, adult child, friend, boss, etc. When a person is constantly relying on your approval and validation in order to feel good about themselves, this is not a healthy situation.

You are not helping them or yourself. You are not their therapist and should not serve as such. They need to be working on their own problems on their own, just as you should be with yours.

… Your Role As Enemy

… That peace, however [that you get from constantly apologizing to the Covert Narcissist], will be short-lived. There are not enough apologies in the world to satisfy the victim role of a narcissist.

Their pain comes from within, and yet they constantly look for external reasons and external solutions. Those solutions will NEVER be good enough. To stop being the perpetrator, you have to set your own boundaries and walk away.
— end excerpts —

You’ll note in this next blog post, excerpted below, how being married to this Covert Narcissist of hers, whom she refers to as Steven (not his real name) for 21 years did not bring this lady any joy or peace.

She does say in other podcasts or blog posts, and I think maybe this one, that there were a few moments of happiness with her husband here and there, but ultimately, her spouse would display his sullen, entitled, insensitive nature the majority of the time.

The thing about abusive or toxic people is that they are rarely abusive or toxic 100% of the time.

Abusive or toxic individuals have moments or days where they can be fun, loving, or considerate – so, you end up thinking the relationship is not so bad; it’s intermittent reinforcement (which I believe plays a role in “trauma bonding,” or is the basis of it) – that combined with fear and false hope can keep someone stuck in a terrible relationship for years.

Remember, just because your toxic or abusive person (family member, spouse, friend, whoever it is) occasionally acts nicely towards you, or treats you to a lovely dinner on your birthday, gifts you with a wonderful vacation or a ruby necklace, or whatever nice gesture or gift
– does not excuse or make-up for the rest of the relationship, where they are constantly invalidating you, neglecting you, nit picking you, overtly abusing you, or exploiting you!

Narcissists are known for “Love Bombing” their victims. You will waste years of your life on this person, longing to “bring back” the nice, sweet, kind funny version of them that they first put on display when you were first dating (or befriending) them, but that was a fake persona. It was never genuine.

The person who chronically invalidates or who ignores you now is the “real” them.

You’re never (permanently) getting back to that fake “nice, charming, loving” version of them again, unless they sense you are going to dump them, in which case, they will temporarily put on the “nice guy” (or the “I’m a poor, helpless victim in life, please help me, rescue me”) mask again (called “hoovering“) to “breadcrumb” you. Don’t fall for it.

(Link): How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

Excerpts (you should read her ENTIRE post, not just the portion below):

by Renee Swanson

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together.

There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

…Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. …

Jesus was Single and Single People Should be Valued, Says Church of England – All Other Churches, Christians, and Denominations Need To Take Direction from This Church on This Issue

Jesus was Single and Single People Should be Valued, Says Church of England

While I’m thrilled to see a church acknowledge single adults and correct the marriage-, parenthood-, and nuclear family- idolizing as committed by Baptists and other churches and denominations, unfortunately, the Church of England jumped on to the progressive ideology bandwagon by proclaiming they cannot, or will not, define “woman.”

Shame on the Church of England for enabling the sexist “transgender” movement, but they do at least correct the single-shaming views, attitudes, practices, and doctrines of so many other churches or denominations.

More Christians, more para-church groups, Southern Baptists, and other churches and denominations really do need to course-correct from the singles-shaming or singles-marginalizing they engage in, and they need to repent of worshipping Marriage, Natalism, The Nuclear Family, and Parenthood.

(Link):  Church of England Says To Celebrate Single People, Since Jesus Was Single, Too

The report is indicative of an attitude shift within the church, which has traditionally encouraged its followers to get married and have children.

(Link): Single people should be valued by the Church of England just as much as couples, new report commissioned by two Archbishops urges

April 26, 2023

Single people should be valued by the Church of England just as much as couples, a major report has urged.

The study commissioned by the Archbishops of Canterbury and York points out that Jesus himself never married, and warns that single people may feel unwelcome if churches overuse the word family.

It also admits that being in a committed couple is no guarantee of being ‘happy ever after’ – and that even Adam and Eve had strains in their relationship.

…And it warns that ‘hook-up culture’ is now presented as normal to young girls but adds: ‘Loveless sex is not empowering.’

…The report says it is a ‘point of concern’ that the Government has increased the marriage age to 18 while leaving the age of consent at 16, saying: ‘It legally implies that sex before marriage is acceptable in a way that it was not legally until now.’

…Others who were divorced felt ‘unwelcome in their church and judged for their ‘failure’, with some leaving as a result.

‘Others commented that the declining numbers attending a church is symbolic of an institution which fails to understand and acknowledge the diversity of family life today,’ the report warns.

‘We heard that the Church of England often conveys an expectation of marriage which is not present in society, and that there is too much focus on marriage and family in the church community, especially as increasing numbers of people are choosing to remain single.’

…And it recommends that the Church: ‘Honour and celebrate singleness, whether through choice or circumstance, and recognise the full place of single people within the Church and society.’

It points out: ‘We are reminded that Jesus never married and remained single throughout his life. This was unusual as it was expected at that time that everyone would marry.’ 

(Link): A Church of England report released Wednesday said that single people “must be valued at the heart of our society.”

APRIL 26, 2023 / CBS NEWS

…A Church of England report released Wednesday said that single people “must be valued at the heart of our society.”

The 238-page report, titled “Love Matters,” was the third in a trilogy of major reports commissioned by the Archbishops of Canterbury and York. The first addressed housing and the second examined care and support.

The latest report, on families and households, reflected the church’s changing stance on singlehood and single-person households.

The church’s report acknowledged that a growing number of people elect to be single as a result of divorce, separation, the death of a partner, not having found a suitable partner, or as a deliberate lifestyle choice. It said that loving relationships matter to single people just as much as they do to those who are married with families.

This is Why You’re Single – The Top Dating App Dealbreakers Revealed, by M. Notkin

This is Why You’re Single – The Top Dating App Dealbreakers Revealed, by M. Notkin

(Link): This is why you’re single — the top dating app dealbreakers revealed

by Melanie Notkin
May 5, 2023

…A sizable number of single females have had their fill of tofu nibblers. A new study on dating app dealbreakers reports that 1 in 5 women will summarily reject a man who indicates he’s a vegan on his dating profile.

The study was conducted by Alexander, also known as @Datepsych on Twitter, a behavioral and cognitive neuroscience graduate student with a passion for information gathering. He keeps his last name private, he told The Post, due to his sometimes controversial research into topics like incel culture, promiscuity and facial attractiveness.

For this study, Alexander collected 130 different dealbreakers from his 18,500 Twitter followers, coding them into a survey for a social media “convenience sample” — meaning easily accessible dating app users on Twitter — of 438 men and women, with a mean age of 32.

He then asked participants to imagine a dating profile with a photo they found physically attractive enough to consider accepting. (Or, in app speak, swiping right.)

Next, the respondents scored each dealbreaker from one to five, with one being something they could overlook, and five being an absolute no-no that would lead to an immediate rejection, or a swipe-left, no matter how attractive the profile photo. Alexander then shared the absolute 5/5 guaranteed dealbreakers in his report.

The dealbreakers with the highest percent of fives were not shockers. For example, the overwhelming majority of women say they reject male profiles that exhibit violence, or sexual and bigoted content.

Men, on the other hand, were highly unlikely to want a date with a woman who uses her dating profile to promote her OnlyFans.

But that’s where the survey responses stopped being predictable. Turns out, when it comes to dating apps, the dealbreakers are not always the ones you’d expect.

Famous Social Media Rabbi Charged With Raping One of His Several Adopted Sons, Molesting Others, While He Raised Them as a Single Dad

Famous Social Media Rabbi Charged With Raping One of His Several Adopted Sons, Molesting Others, While He Raised Then as a Single Dad

Have to point out that not all single adults are pedophiles or horn dogs. There are married people who rape or molest children, or who commit adultery – I have many examples of such on my blog.

Don’t automatically assume that any and every unmarried man who works around children is diddling the children.

This guy also supposedly faked having health problems in order to sucker people, manipulate them, and get pity from people, and I imagine he faked sickness so nobody would be as apt to suspect he was a child molester.

I’ve written a blog post or two before warning people, especially anyone who is very…

• empathetic,
• caring,
• a people pleaser,
• a codependent,
• someone with
• Emotional dependency, and/or who has
• Dependent personality disorder,

to be aware of the fact that there are child molesters, and people with personality disorders such as sociopathy, NPD (pathological narcissism), and psychopathy, who will not hesitate to exploit your empathy and warm nature to use those positive qualities against you, or to manipulate you into lowering your boundaries or not investigating them too closely.

Also note that contra most conservative propaganda about parenthood, that being a parent did not make this man any less of a pervert, or any more loving, responsible, caring, or ethical.

(Link): Texan who posed as Hasidic Jew and adopted 9 boys charged with sexually abusing kids

(Link): Phony Hasidic TikTok-famous dad charged with molesting adopted sons after boy speaks out

March 7, 2023
by Lee Brown

A phony Hasidic dad who found social-media acclaim for adopting nine boys has been charged with sexually abusing most of them — while out on bond in an earlier child sex case, according to disturbing reports.

Single dad Hayim Nissim Cohen, 38, regularly blogged about his “unique family” in Houston, gaining nearly 200,000 followers on TikTok.

But “behind all that is excessive abuse,” local prosecutor Janna Oswald told a recent court hearing, according to the Houston Chronicle.

Cohen — who claimed to be a Hasidic Jew from Brooklyn despite being born Jeffrey Lujan Vejil in the Lone Star State — was busted last month after one of his sons went on a podcast to anonymously report being raped and abused, the local paper noted.

The terrified 17-year-old boy told BlindSkinnedBeauty that he’d been sexually assaulted since he was 11 — weeks after his adoption — and claimed many of his brothers were also abused.

Nearly Half of Single People Receive Unsolicited Nudes, Get Ghosted: Poll – and a Few Dating Tips

Nearly Half of Single People Receive Unsolicited Nudes, Get Ghosted: Poll – and a Few Dating Tips

The page I’ve linked to below has some “first date dating tips,” a few of which I’ve included in my post.

May I add another tip or two (this is especially for single women), and this is also applicable to friendships, family relationships, and any job you have (your co-workers or bosses):
Please spend time researching Narcissistic Abuse and Cluster B personality disorders (which includes but is not limited to Narcissism and Sociopathy).

Particularly if you are a woman, and you’re a shy, people pleasing or codependent woman, you may be prone to over-sharing when you meet someone new (whether a date, a co-worker, etc) because you mistakenly think that sharing personal details when you first meet someone will establish intimacy.

You need to throw that thinking, assumption, and behavior into the trash can immediately.

One reason you do NOT want to overshare early in a relationship (as one of the tips gets into below – and remember, this is applicable to friendship and co-workers too, not JUST dating) is that the person you are dating might be a Cluster B,
and a Cluster B person will exploit any personal information or weaknesses you admit to, or that they can pick up from observing you, to control or manipulate you as the relationship progresses.

Such persons (especially Vulnerable Narcissists) will get you to talk about yourself WAY too much on a first or second date (and of course psychopaths and sociopaths will use this strategy too, but it seems to be a little more of a classical move that Vulnerable Narcissists play).

They may start out acting very, very interested in you, asking you all sorts of questions about what makes you “tick,” about your background, what kind of family you come from, etc.

You need to be careful how much or what type of that information you share.

You can also choose to refuse to answer any questions out-right, just tell the person, “I choose not to answer that question.” If they keep pressing or nagging you into giving an answer, just keep repeating over and over (however many times necessary), “I decline to answer that question.”

You do not always owe other people answers (not all the time with all people in every situation – this is highly context specific, but on a first, second, third, fourth, etc., date, NO, you do NOT owe your date answers to any or all questions!), nor do you owe people justifications or explanations for whatever choices you make in life, either.

Vulnerable (also known as Covert) Narcissists (and other Cluster B persons) try to pry into your personal business and learn about weak areas and regrets as much as they can, not because they truly care about you or your background, or your likes, your triggers, or your vulnerabilities, but they want that information so that they can use it to exploit and control you with later on.

They will eventually intentionally bring up your triggers, your weak spots, and/or shame you with painful or embarrassing things you admitted to them on a first or second date.

For example, if you admit early on in a relationship to always having had body issues and insecurities, to feeling embarrassed about not being stick thin, then as time moves on, they will more than likely start mocking you about your weight, or making thinly veiled insults
– like if they walk in seeing you eating a slice of pie, they may make a low key snide dig like, “Oh, is that your second piece of pie today?,” or, “Do you really think with your weight issues you should be eating that?”

They are doing that kind of thing on purpose. It’s calculated to make you feel shame. It is deliberate.

They want to chip away at your self esteem so that you are easy to control, abuse, and manipulate.

Some of them, especially the Covert Narcissists, will sometimes feign innocence and act as though they really and truly DO care about your weight and your health when they make comments about you eating another piece of pie. But they don’t actually care about your health or your weight.

Their end goal is to shame you more so they can control you, and you unknowingly tipped them off early in the dating stages that they can use your sensitivity about your body image / weight to clobber you with down the road.

One good book on this topic to get you started, what to look for early on in dating (or in forming friendships, or what to look for on job interviews to make sure you’re not walking into a toxic work environment with an abusive boss or co-workers),
and to learn about some of the typical emotionally manipulative games Cluster B persons play on their targets, is this book:
“Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie.
The book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker also offers a few similar insights. 

(Link): Nearly half of single people receive unsolicited nudes, get ghosted: poll

by Jack Hobbs
March 28, 2023

Single people who’ve been ghosted or sent an unsolicited nude photo — you’re not alone.

A new poll revealed that nearly half of the single people asked have been victims of nasty dating etiquette.

The dating app Plenty of Fish created a survey along with a dating guide in partnership with life coach Michelle Elman to help single people avoid “undesirable dating behaviors and engineer more positive experiences.”

“Helping daters understand and navigate different behaviors on their dating journey is something I’m really passionate about, which is why I’ve partnered with Plenty of Fish to create the Desirable Dating Guide,” Elman told the Sun. “The guide highlights some of the negative behaviors and experiences that can occur in the dating world, while also shining a light on how singles can enact some positive change.”

According to the survey, which sampled nearly 4,000 British singles, 48% of respondents said that they received unsolicited nude photos from a match or date — with 45% of the 48% revealing that it made them feel disgusted.

Single, People Pleasing Guy Murdered by Neighbor (Incident Triggered by His People Pleasing) – Another Precaution for Codependents (and for Complementarian Women)

Single, People Pleasing Guy Murdered by Neighbor (Incident Triggered by His People Pleasing) – Another Precaution for Codependents (and for Complementarian Women)

I’m not blaming this guy for his own murder, but I am saying in this post if you’re a people pleaser, an empath, or a codependent and/or you are a woman who was brought up to believe in Christian gender complementarianism, you need to learn how to start having boundaries right away (regardless of what your church or church preacher thinks), and get very comfortable with saying “no” to people, or you could end up like this guy.

The chain of events that led to his death was his good nature, kindness, willingness to help other people and an inability to say “no” to people.

I suspect he was a codependent.

First, here is some background before I resume with my observations:

(Link): Ronald March Murder: Where is Lance Standberg Now?

Excerpts:

October 2022

A vicious attack in an alley in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, left Ronald March dead in August 2012.

The authorities quickly found the person responsible, though, since both men had a history of animosity.

Investigation Discovery’s ‘Fear Thy Neighbor: Hell-Bent’ focuses on the events leading up to Ronald’s death and how the tragic attack occurred.

So, let’s find out more about what happened then, shall we?

How Did Ronald March Die?

Ronald William March was described as an avid reader and an intelligent man. Loved ones remembered the Vancouver resident as gentle and kind, always going out of his way to help others if needed.

Conservatives With Blinders On: Upset Over Racism Against Whites, but Not Sexism; Criticizing the Woke for Ignoring Whites but Not Caring When Churches Ignore Singles and the Childless

Conservatives With Blinders On: Upset Over Racism Against Whites, but Not Sexism; Criticizing the Woke for Ignoring Whites but Not Caring When Churches Ignore Singles and the Childless

I’m a conservative, but I don’t see eye to eye with other conservatives on every subject.

I generally agree with conservative site “Not the Bee’s” takes on many, but not all issues, and I find a lot of material by their sister site, which is a parody site, “The Bee” to be amusing.

Conservative Matt Walsh is correct about the transgender issue but not much else.

I notice these conservatives are sometimes hypocritical or blind to their own double standards or insensitivities. Here are a few of them I’ve picked up on lately.

The same Babylon Bee (and its associated, non-parody site, Not The Bee) sometimes take pot shots at, or mock, transwomen.

These conservative sites don’t agree with biological men who identify as women being allowed on to women’s sports teams and so forth, which I agree with them on.

However, oddly, the rest of the time, these two “Bee” sites (and other similar conservatives) like to make sexist jokes about women or treat Women’s History Month like a joke, as does Matt Walsh.

These conservative groups will condemn sexism in very narrow situations, when it’s carried out by progressives, but then they spend the remainder of their time either making sexist jokes about women too, or spreading and defending sexist gender stereotypes – which is what the far left does.

Sandwiches, Racism, and Sexism

Take this Not the Bee tweet and article for example (their tweet for this was time stamped 3:25 PM · Mar 21, 2023):

(Link): Here’s a hilarious thread of 28 everyday things that have now been labeled racist– Not The Bee site, article by Jesse James, March 21, 2023

Here's a hilarious thread of 28 everyday things that have now been labeled racist https://t.co/TEXdfJU9fY

— Not the Bee (@Not_the_Bee) March 21, 2023

On that list is included Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.

(Snopes will dispute that such a claim was ever made by the woke, but I read the article in which the claim first appeared, and yes, the woke were implying that PB&J sandwiches are racist. It wasn’t stated as bluntly as the dumb dumbs at Snopes would prefer, but it was in there.)

Like the Not the Bee site, I too find it laughable to classify PB&J sandwiches racist. I do think the woke go over-board with insisting we all see “white supremacy” and racism in every facet of life.

That is not where I disagree.

It’s that the writers of the non-parody site take objection to that conflation of racism and sandwiches, but their parody site, earlier that same day, made a joke  at the expense of women, using a sexist trope uttered by sexist men at women: “Make me a sammich,” or “women are only good for making sandwiches.”

Hmm, you don’t like that the woke declared PB&J sandwiches racist,
but in another recent tweet via your sister account, The Bee,
made a sexist joke in poor taste about women making sandwiches & tied that to Women’s History Month.
🤔#sexism #racism https://t.co/HdgOmlrhju

— Solo (@sololoner2) March 21, 2023

(Link): 10 Iconic Milestones In Women’s History – via The Babylon Bee

(The content of that page is very patronizing, consisting of a list of photos of sandwiches, in one, a woman’s hand can be seen spreading mayo on bread, with comments below each photo saying things like, “Behold the accomplishments of women, is there anything women can’t do.”)

I’m supposed to find that funny… and I do have a sense of humor… but no, I don’t find that funny.

10 Iconic Milestones In Women's History https://t.co/lQEhLzZCe3

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) March 21, 2023

Their tweet for the above was time stamped 2:51 PM · Mar 21, 2023 – that’s just about 34 minutes the same day before they sent a tweet to an article on their non-parody site expressing incredulity over progressives deeming PB&J sandwiches racist.

I’m fairly sure that the non-parody Bee site ridiculed Hershey’s chocolate company for using a man as their spokeswoman for their “HERshe’s” candy bars to promote Women’s History Month. Which again says The Bee writers are fine with conservatives insulting women but not progressives.

Study Finds that 60% of Young Men Are Single (2023 Study), Many Are Lonely, Not Interested in Dating or Marriage, Articles Say

Study Finds that 60% of Young Men Are Single (2023 Study) – Many Are Lonely, Not Interested in Dating or Marrying, Articles Say

I first saw headlines about this study a few weeks ago but was too busy to blog about it then.

I don’t find this surprising.
About once every other year the past several years, more articles and studies keep being published about how more people (men and women) are either giving up on sex, not dating, not marrying, or deliberately putting off marriage.

I wouldn’t be surprised that if my fellow conservatives take note of this study and comment on it, hypocritically and infuriatingly,  it will be done with the utmost concern – conservative commentators and hosts, such as Matt Walsh, Al Mohler, and Tucker Carlson – will fawn all over today’s single, 20-something men, expressing all sorts of worry for men today.

Why do I say this is hypocritical and infuriating?

Whenever these same conservative groups or persons comment on women being single, they always criticize the hell out of single women for being single (and/or for being childless), all nuance is stripped away, for these conservative commentators to make all sorts of sexist, negative, sometimes simplistic, assumptions about why women are single.

Some women are single by circumstance, not from choice, but that fact is often overlooked by the Tucker Carlsons, Al Mohlers, Abby Johnsons and Matt Walshes, who love to assume all women deliberately choose career over marriage.

The single men won’t get the same insulting, sexist treatment, for the most part for being single. Conservatives like Mohler, Carlson, etc, will actually find a way to blame all women, or blame feminism, for why so many of today’s men are passing up marriage.

Churches Need to Meet the Needs of Adult Singles, Stop Focusing on Dwindling Number of Married Persons with Kids at Home

American churches (as I’ve been saying forever on this blog) need to step up and start offering true community to any and all adults in their areas, including single (never married) or divorced or widowed adults – they need to stop pandering to married couples with children still living at home, which is what they keep doing.

Church attendance is dwindling in the United States. People are losing interest in the Christian faith. Maybe if churches got out of their “Nuclear Family” niche and attempted to meet the needs of single and childless adults, they could increase their numbers.

Some of the following articles say that young, single men today are lonely. Not only do they not have girlfriends or wives, the articles say, but they have little to no friends, either.

Marriage- and Nuclear-Family- obsessed Christians and churches have totally dropped the ball on ministering to single, childless adults.

And you’ll notice that conservatives will NOT mock single men for being single, like they do with single women, when they make their ageist and sexist jokes about single women dying alone in a house full of cats, or saying that single women over 30 have “hit the wall,” or tweeting photos of empty egg cartons.

They won’t tweet parallel, insulting, misandrist or ageist comments about single men dying alone clinging to a life-size anime doll, a toy stuffed shark, while previously having had watched porn on their computer, while having had to urinate 50 times a night due to an enlarging prostate. The effing, sexist hypocrites.

(Link): Study finds more than 60 percent of young men are single: ‘Who are all the young women dating?’

February 23, 2023

Sixty-three percent of men and 34 percent of women under 30 report being single, according to a Pew study

(Link): Most young men are single. Most young women are not. 

More than 60 percent of young men are single, nearly twice the rate of unattached young women, signaling a larger breakdown in the social, romantic and sexual life of the American male.

Men in their 20s are more likely than women in their 20s to be romantically uninvolved, sexually dormant, friendless and lonely. They stand at the vanguard of an epidemic of declining marriage, sexuality and relationships that afflicts all of young America.

(Link):  Six out of 10 young men are single — the disturbing reasons why

Excerpts:

They’re not getting jerked around by dating anymore.

New Pew Research Center data has found that nowadays, 63% of men under 30 are electively single, up from 51% in 2019 — and experts blame erotic alone time online as a major culprit.

“[Young men] are watching a lot of social media, they’re watching a lot of porn, and I think they’re getting a lot of their needs met without having to go out,” psychologist Fred Rabinowitz told the Hill.

“I think that’s starting to be a habit.”

The new, post-COVID numbers would surely back up previous research that the pandemic has made men prefer an evening alone instead of actually meeting a partner.

Just half of single men as a whole responded that they are “looking for a committed relationship and/or casual dates,” a decrease compared to 61% four years ago.

But these statistics tell a sadder truth about this generation of men, NYU psych professor Niobe Way told the outlet.

“We’re in a crisis of connection,” Way said. “Disconnection from ourselves and disconnection from each other. And it’s getting worse.”

The male numbers come sharply juxtaposed to the 34% of women under 30 who now say they’re single — which has seen only a slight pandemic rise in that age group.

Another factor at play might be the interests of women changing — especially as suitors of the same age are becoming apparently less desirable, experts said.

“[Women would] rather go to brunch with friends than have a horrible date,” LA couples and family psychologist Greg Matos said.

The expectations of American men are also rising in the minds of women, according to masculinity expert and University of Akron professor Ronald Levant, who added that “unfortunately, so many men don’t have more to give.”

But perhaps the largest issue now with young men — one highly impacting their social abilities — is that they are, as a whole, more lonely people than women, a recent study showed.

America’s Best City for Singles – With the Most Unattached Women Per Capita and 55.4% of Residents Unmarried

America’s Best City for Singles – With the Most Unattached Women Per Capita and 55.4% of Residents Unmarried

(Link): This is America’s best city for singles: ‘A lot of hot women here’

March 3, 2023
By Alex Mitchell

…New research from the Thriving Center of Psychology has found that Buffalo is one of the best cities in America to be single.

The western New York metropolis has the third most single people per capita compared to other major cities, according to the survey, which relied on US census data. But it also boasts the most single women per capita of any city, and the ninth most single men.

Buffalo bachelors, especially, are cheering the favorable conditions.

…The city’s affordability is a key reason it’s good for bachelors and bachelorettes. The cost of living is 39% below New York state’s average and 5% below the nation’s as a whole, according to RentCafe, an apartment search website.

Thanks to the favorable economics, residents don’t have to couple up.

(Link): America’s best city for singles – with the most unattached women per capita and 55.4% of residents unmarried: ‘You don’t have to put in much effort’

Excerpts:

By Will Potter
March 4, 2023

America’s best city for singles has been revealed – with Buffalo, New York beating out the nation’s top metropolises to grab the number one spot.

The bachelor paradise won a glistening review in new research from the Thriving Center of Psychology, which found it boasts the most single women per capita in the country.

It also has the ninth most single men and the third most single people in general per capita, according to the data, which also found three quarters of singles struggle to find a match without using a dating app.

Bizarre: Women Who Are Genuinely Fine With Being Single or Childless and Who Publicly Admit It Deeply Disturb or Infuriate Sexist Incel Types and My Fellow Conservatives, Who Want Such Women to Harbor a Victim Mindset

Bizarre: Women Who Are Genuinely Fine With Being Single or Childless and Who Publicly Admit It Deeply Disturb or Infuriate Sexist Incel Types and My Fellow Conservatives, Who Want Such Women to Harbor a Victim Mindset

I have been a conservative person my entire life. I am not liberal, woke, or progressive.

I am not opposed to marriage, motherhood, the nuclear family, or parenthood. I do not support abortion on demand.

For years now, I have noticed the oddest, most disgusting behavior from other conservatives: many of them become unhinged, unsettled, or very angry about women who are truly happy with being single or childless or childfree. It didn’t cross my mind to blog about this observation until now.

The cherry on top of Conservative Outrage on this topic is that the fury seems to be particularly directed at single, childless women who mention on social media or in televised interviews that they’re enjoying life single and childless.

That is, from the angry conservative pro-family types, if you are single, childless (or childfree) and happy about it as a woman, you damn well just better keep it to yourself.

These pro-family conservatives, many of whom even profess to be Christian, further sometimes say things to or about those childless women and tell them personally on social media, how miserable they must be.

They chortle things at them things like, “You will die alone in a house full of cats,” and they say this as though they are filled with glee and happy at the thought of childless women dying alone and unhappy. How perverse.

Some of them, like Catholic Matt Walsh, even like to get ageist, and toss in comments about age at these women, saying to them, “You’re nearing 40…” or, “You’re almost 50….” (See (Link): example Tweet of his here.)

Ditto regarding “incels” or other types of men who are deeply sexist and ageist towards women. They too get very agitated and unglued if a woman publicly admits to being okay, content, or happy with being single or childless.

It’s as though these groups need and desperately want to believe that women who are and remain single or childless (or childfree) are lonely, bitter, miserable, and unhappy, or will become so in the future – and they need to believe that such women are deeply unhappy precisely because those women are single, childless, or childfree.

In the reverse situation, every once in awhile a woman celebrity may publicly say she’s sad that she was never able to have children – and what do the sexist conservatives and d-bag incels do, but immediately take screen captures of the comments, share them all over social media, as if to say,

“See? See?! Feminism has made women miserable. All women obviously want to marry and have babies! They are depressed if they don’t marry and have children, see, see, see!!!
“Women are unable to enjoy life or find contentment if they never marry or never have children, here is your proof, right here, this lady movie star saying she is lonely at 62 and regrets she never had children!!!!”

I’ve never been a feminist, but may I add: if some women are unhappy being childless or single, it may be in part precisely because conservatives and churches are constantly brainwashing women to think their only purpose in life, and their only road to happiness, resides in marrying and becoming pregnant.

If a woman grows up in a family, societal, or religious context that conditions her to think that she can be happy and have meaning only if she marries or has children, well, duh, don’t be surprised if yes, some women may get to adulthood and feel a little down that they’re not married or don’t have kids.

But that would be a result, in part, due to conservative, traditional, old school “family values” brainwashing. That would not be due to “feminism,” of all things

It’s as though many conservatives and sexist lunatics want single and childless women to be unhappy. It’s utterly bizarre to me.

Before I go on further, here is a pertinent article from the WSJ:

(Link): What’s That Ticking Sound? The Male Biological Clock

Men are also at the mercy of age when it comes to having kids

June 25, 2011
By Jennifer Vanderbes

A man’s age when he has children is turning out to be an important factor in that child’s health, according to WSJ contributor Jennifer Vanderbes. Kelsey Hubbard talks to the author about the role a man’s biological clock plays in a child’s risk for diseases and disorders.

Conservatives and the Double Standard Re: Lonely, Single Hetero Men

By the way, I’ve seen more and more articles the last several years that say more and more hetero men are single, and those hetero men either don’t want to date or marry (they’ve lost interest), or, some of them do want to date or marry women, but they can’t seem to get girlfriends and do not know how to go about getting dates or getting a girl friend.

So, I then began seeing news stories such as these about men who are single, some of whom are lonely:

(Link): Guy So Depressed Over Being Single He Cut Off His Own Penis (article)

(Link): ‘Transmaxxing’: Meet The Online Community Encouraging Gender Transitions For Sexually Frustrated (Incel) Men

(Link): Number of ‘Lonely, Single’ Men is on the Rise as Women with Higher Dating Standards Look for Partners Who are ‘Emotionally Available, Good Communicators, and Share Similar Values’, Says Psychologist

(Link): Dear Abby: I (Older, Single Man) Gave Up Dating Women, and 30 Years Later, I’m Lonely

(Link): Bitter, Frustrated 22 Year Old Male Virgin and Member of Men’s Rights / PUA Groups Kills Several Women Because He Couldn’t Get Dates – what an entitled sexist doof

Funny how I seldom see other conservatives mocking such men as the ones mentioned in those news articles for being single and lonely.

If anything, when these topics and news reports of men “falling behind” in culture are brought up, both conservative men and women rush to the men’s defense, to pity them and portray men in culture as being victims.

Often times, such conservatives who paint men as a group as being victims blame women for the men’s victim status, or else, they blame feminism or feminists, for the failings of men – it is so hypocritical and laughable.

By the way, as a conservative, I’ve also noticed that any time a new study or news story is published about men being single and lonely, that conservatives such as (but not limited to) Tucker Carlson will offer very understanding, compassionate, nuanced examinations about these shifts in culture leaving men out in the cold, and how society has supposedly let men down.

Carlson especially likes to invite on conservative women guest speakers on to his television program on Fox News who back Carlson up on this issue, and these women cluck in worry over those poor, poor, single men who are allegedly being kept down and single by a supposedly “feminized” culture of raving, men-hating feminists.

However, if women are under discussion – let’s say there’s a study or news story about women finding it difficult finding suitable marriage partners to marry, or what have you – those very same conservatives who pity men will revoke deep, thoughtful, compassionate analysis to instead snigger in contempt that, “feminism has made you women miserable, ha ha ha, look how  you’ve traded the bliss of family and marriage to being chained to a corporate desk! Ha ha, it’s so wonderful to see single and childless women suffering!”

The culture-wide problems that men face and the ones that women face are treated completely differently by such conservatives, with pity and empathy (and lots of excuses and justifications) being made for the failings or sadness of men,
while women, on the other hand, get roasted, demonized, mocked, and criticized, often for things and problems that they actually did not bring about, but are blamed for anyhow.

I see this phenomenon come up quite often by Tucker Carlson, Matt Walsh, sometimes Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, and so on.

The men always get a pass, and always get rationalizations and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurances, and the men’s failings get blamed on women, or on feminism, while the women, on the other hand, usually (wrongly), get blamed for problems they did not create, and they get ridiculed or criticized, too.

The Gospel Coalition Says – in Sex Won’t Save You Essay – that (Married) Sex is a “Salvation Icon” that Supposedly “Points People to God” – TGC Making Christianity Irrelevant to Single, Celibate Adults

The Gospel Coalition Says – in Sex Won’t Save You Essay – that (Married) Sex is a “Salvation Icon” that Supposedly “Points People to God” -TGC Making Christianity Irrelevant to Single, Celibate Adults

I first began composing this on or around March 1 (or 2?), I have it set to be auto-published on March 4, and as of today, March 3, there’s been a lot more commentary on Twitter about this awful TGC marital sex article, to the point, TGC removed the original tweet linking to it, and I learned that one guy I quote-tweeted about it, a Brent McCracken, deleted his tweet that I quote tweeted (but I have a screen capture of it), and I was informed McCracken is head editor of TGC.

NOTE: I will edit this post after publication to add any more links or new content pertinent, so you may want to periodically re-visit this page and scroll down and skim over to find new links / videos, etc

I may be writing a follow up to this post later – a part two, if you will.

---

Un-freaking-believable. I’ve been blogging here for over ten years, and during that time, have I not been pointing out that not only do most Christians now, even the conservatives, attack sexual purity, sexual abstinence, virginity-until-marriage, but they have also turned sex (and marriage, parenthood, the nuclear family) into idols that they worship, to the point they act distressed when they hear that fornication among singles has declined? (I have a few examples under “Related Posts” towards the bottom of this page.)

There’s more of this nonsense, courtesy of The Gospel Coalition.

It starts off well enough by recognizing that many in secular society have turned sex and relationships into idols, and seek to find love and purpose in romance and sex, but then it goes on to make the very distasteful point that sex can, or does, point people to God.

Also… if such a book begins by acknowledging that singleness is fine in a page or two (or paragraph or two) but then never-the-less 99% of the book remains focused on a Jesus-marriage-sex analogy, it’s undercutting any “it’s okay to be single” or “you don’t have to be married and having sex to have a relationship with God” message.

This is no different from the idiot pastors who make every other sermon in church about “how to have smokin’ hot sex with your spouse” but who thinks it’s okay to overly focus on marriage constantly, if they merely toss in the token, “Hey, you may be single, but this marital sermon can be applicable to you too.”

I’m sorry, but evangelical Protestants or Baptists making the majority of the non-stop deluge of comments, sermons, or books about marriage and married sex, while only offering passing lip service, to adult singleness and celibacy, is still elevating marriage (and sex) to an unhealthy, bizarre, un-Biblical degree that still marginalizes singleness.

Screen Cap of Gospel Coalition Tweet

While it is true for a long time that many in American culture have turned sex and romantic relationships into idols, or seek to find identity or purpose in such, it’s also true that for the past several years, many news headlines and studies have been published showing that a larger number of adults are declining to have sex, date, and/or marry.

If you’re trying to titillate a secular public into giving Jesus a try by using sex-God analogies or metaphors, in a society where having sex, dating, or marrying are no longer the norm and not very popular, it’s not going to work.

I mean, while Butler is writing his book comparing knowing the Trinity to marital sexual intercourse and pro-creation, other conservative outlets have been in pearl-clutching, severe worry mode, that marriage is on the decline, and they’re shaming women for not choosing motherhood, and some conservatives are even upset that single adults are not having as much sex prior to marriage as they used to.

(Link): Sex Won’t Save You (But It Points to the One Who Will)

Excerpts (citing free use):

by Josh Butler
March 1, 2023

…Our culture looks to sex for salvation too. We want romance to free us from solitary confinement, to deliver us into a welcome embrace. But idolizing sex results in slavery.

Sex wasn’t designed to be your salvation but to point you to the One who is.

Union with Christ
Sex is an icon of Christ and the church.  …

[The author then goes on to refer to a Bible verses which seem to refer to marriage, such as a man leaving his family and cleaving to his wife, etc]

… A husband and wife’s life of faithful love is designed to point to greater things, but so is their sexual union! This is a gospel bombshell: sex is an icon of salvation.

Singles Will Ditch a Bad Date in a Surprisingly Short Time, Study Says

Singles Will Ditch a Bad Date in a Surprisingly Short Time, Study Says

(Link): Singles will ditch a bad date in a surprisingly short time, study says

By Adriana Diaz
Feb 2, 2023

The countdown to having your best friend call you faking an emergency starts now.

Singles will ditch a bad date in less than an hour, a recent study from roadside assistance provider Britannia Rescue found.

The research found that daters only need 25 minutes to decide whether or not they’re enjoying themselves, but they will wait an average of 51 minutes before faking a call from an overbearing boss or a desperate friend.

A fifth of singles who know what they want — or conversely don’t want — have left halfway through a date.

But not everyone is so decisive. It turns out that 58% of love-seekers have sat through a bad date; they did so because they felt the need to be polite (72%), thought it might get better (37%) or felt too uncomfortable saying anything (36%).