According to Pastor – Jimmy Evans – It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ? / Too Much Sex Talk | Making Marriage into an Idol Marriage Idolatry Anti Singles Singlehood Singleness Unmarried Bias Prejudice

According to Pastor It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ? / Too Much Sex Talk

I’m typing this as I’m watching a Christian show by a guy. I will be referring to him as a preacher, but I think he may just be a talk show host and author; I’m not sure. His site is “marriage today.com.” His name is Jimmy Evans. His wife’s first name is Karen.

I have a couple of points of disagreement with this guy, and one area of agreement.

Evans is repeating the old cliches that men are visually responsive, men turn on instantly, while women are emotionally responsive. (Which is not true – a lot of women are in fact “visual” – (Link): please see this link for more, as well as additional links at the bottom of this post.)

I concede that men and women are not identical in some areas, and that there is a certain amount of truths in those cliches, but this trope about men being “more sexual” and “more visual” while women have no interest in sex and are not visually stimulated needs to die – because it’s not entirely true, not true for all women, or is exaggerated.

Most men may want to have sex more often than most women, but it does not follow from this that all women always want is a cuddle or to read romance novels – and this is the assumption made by male pastors giving marital sex sermons.

Now the preacher, Evans, is explaining that “men are half, women are half, it takes a (married) man and woman together to equal a whole.”

Evans also said it takes half his brain and half his wife’s to equal a whole brain.

I, your blog author, Christian Pundit, have never married, I am alone, so is Evans saying I have only “one-half a brain” and I am not whole as I am? That is not only insulting, but the Bible says singles are whole on their own.

The Bible does not teach that an unmarried person is incomplete, lacking, or less human than people in a married partnership. Yet, Evans seems to be teaching these concepts, and it was one of the more troubling aspects of his sermon.

For people who complain that preachers don’t talk about sex enough – spare me. The opposite is true. This guy I’m watching now, Evans, even went so far as to use the phrases “oral sex,” “sex toys” and “the missionary position.”

He just over shared that his wife Karen has always “met his sexual needs.” I don’t need to know that specifically about him.

The only kudo I can give this preacher guy: he is now lecturing married couples to be sexually pure. He told them to stay away from dirty sites, don’t fantasize about other people, control your thought life.

That is rare. Often, when sexual purity is discussed, it is only assumed by preachers that unmarried people commit sexual sin. It’s assumed that because married people are getting their sexual needs met, they have no cause to commit fornication – this is false.

I disagree with this pastor about his point of “don’t develop emotional relationships” with people outside of marriage.

Sorry, as a single woman, I get isolated and lonely in part because married people will not befriend me because it’s assumed either I am a temptress, or that married men are horny bastards who will make the move on every unmarried woman they meet.

Evans says according to some survey he read, that 90% of married Christian women admit to being attracted to someone other than their husband. Interesting point for several reasons.

I agree with Evans that a husband needs to meet the woman’s emotional needs and pursue her and romance her outside the bedroom. That is very important.

Now TMI (too much information): he mentioned “quickies” – yes, he used that very word – in the context of, “you know guys, sometimes sex in the morning is the best time to have sex.” Really dude, I don’t need to know that you personally enjoy sex in the mornings. Eww.

Evans briefly, very briefly, spent some time telling married men to stop comparing women to women in dirty magazines, one reason being that pr0n (pr0n = dirty magazines, films, sites) spreads the lie that all women are 100% sexual and do not have emotional needs.

There is a lot of truth in that, I suppose, and while I did not whip out a stop watch to time how long he spent on this topic, it seemed to me he spent longer chastising married women over romance novels, much more than he did over men who look at pr0n.

Please click the “read more” link below to read the rest of the post…

Continue reading “According to Pastor – Jimmy Evans – It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ? / Too Much Sex Talk | Making Marriage into an Idol Marriage Idolatry Anti Singles Singlehood Singleness Unmarried Bias Prejudice”

Marrying Young – from “Stuff Christian Culture Likes,” by Stephanie Drury

Marrying young – from “Stuff Christian Culture Likes,” by Stephanie Drury
(also indirectly highlights how many Christians have turned marriage and having children into idols)

I think there’s been a time or two I’ve disagreed with some of Ms. Drury’s (or should I address her as ‘Mrs?’ I honestly don’t know, and mean no disrespect either way), but I do agree with her on some occasions, and I think she’s providing a service of sorts in exposing some of the lunacy that goes on in America in the name of Christ.

I believe she was raised by Christian parents, but I have no idea if she considers herself a Christian now or not.

I’m not exactly sure which blog of hers is current. Her blog has been hosted on various locations over the last few years.

Not only is the post by Drury I am linking to below enlightening (and echoes what I’ve said on my blog before, see this), but read the comments at the bottom of her blog page by her blog guests.

(Link): #207 Marrying young posted by Stephanie Drury

Some excerpts, from the page by Drury:

    Christian culture gets married young. The reason isn’t entirely clear, but the general consensus is that it drastically lowers the risk of fornication. You just can’t fornicate if you’re married, and that takes care of that.

    Fornication is Christian culture’s natural enemy. Bible colleges (aka “bridal colleges” – what did I tell you?) require students to sign a convenant stating they won’t drink, swear, be gay or have premarital sex. But even Christian students at secular universities roil under biblical sex mandates. When you combine guilt with evangelical horndogs you get a lot of marriage proposals and short engagements.

    Continue reading “Marrying Young – from “Stuff Christian Culture Likes,” by Stephanie Drury”

Unmarried Women Perceived as Threats – Married Women Won’t Let This Myth Perish

Unmarried Women Perceived as Threats – Married Women Won’t Let This Myth Perish

The old stereotype or fear that all unmarried women are predators of married men, or that married people cannot be friends with singles without things turning sexual, is still around.

Not only are there plenty of unmarried women who would never have an affair with a married man, but married people need to remember that sometimes married men have affairs with married women of other husbands.

That point is never factored in.

At least some secular sources recognize this takes place (anyone catch last night’s episode of AMC’s Mad Men, where married ad exec Don Draper had sex with the wife of a doctor neighbor in his apartment building?) And of course, I’ve seen this happen in real life, I’ve read about it and have known it to happen.

Here’s another example, from a married woman (who is apparently age 35+) in a latter to “Ask Amy,” who perceives unmarried women, especially ones in their twenties, as being extra-marital affairs waiting to happen:

Continue reading “Unmarried Women Perceived as Threats – Married Women Won’t Let This Myth Perish”

The ol’ Christian myth that married couples are impervious to sexual sin but singles have lots of sexual sin

The ol’ Christian myth that married couples are impervious to sexual sin but singles have lots of sexual sin

I am hence forward going to occasionally copy certain stories to this blog: at times I see news stories or advice columns where a married person is arrested for crime, a woman writes for advice because her spouse is addicted to porn, is a drunkard, or is abusing her – bonus points if the people in these stories are self professing Christians – I may be including it on my blog.

I currently already have a few examples already (see this page)

One regularly sees married Christians discriminate against unmarried Christians. For example, most churches, which are run by married people, do not permit unmarried Christians to hold positions of importance, significance, or leadership precisely because of their singlehood.

One will regularly see Christian authors advise Christian unmarrieds that in order to get a spouse, they must achieve perfection and sinlessness in this lifetime.

Marriage is held out by some Christians to be a reward for Christians who have all their sh*t together. Never mind the Bible is clear that nobody has their sh*t together all the time in this lifetime. And never mind that I constantly see people way more messed up than me getting married all the time.

There is a stereotype held by most married people, including Christians, that unmarried people, even the ones over the age of 30, are immature, irresponsible, weird, or horny horn dogs who are more sexually active than a five dollar crack whore.

Further assumptions by Christians and Non Christians is that one must resemble Brad Pitt or Cindy Crawford if one wants a spouse, yet I frequently see obese males and females, ugly people, or baldlng guys get spouses.

I see beautiful models, actors, and rock singers who can’t find a date or stay married.

So I don’t think physical perfection (usually as in air-brushed to death) is a requisite for marriage. (See this page for more, and this page for more.)

The divorce rate in the USA is high for both Non Christians and Christians. So even though some of these people are tying the knot, they are not staying married. If the stereotype is that one must be perfect before meriting a spouse from God, shouldn’t these perfect people be able to stay married? How can perfect people divorce?

Then, there is the gross misperception that being married makes one completely immune from falling into sexual sin.

Here is an excerpt from a page about the impact of pornography on marriages:

(Link): Porn addiction destroys relationships, lives

    According to the Web site Divorcewizards.com, huge numbers of divorce lawyers report that pornography is a big issue in divorce these days, which it never was before the advent of the Internet.

There is a Bible verse that alludes to “get married if you are a horn dog” because it’s “better to marry than burn.”

However, being married does not prevent sexual sin.

Plenty of married people commit sexual sin – by viewing pornography; using prostitutes; fantasizing, during sex with their spouse, that their spouse is their favorite movie actor; married men look in lust at other women all the time; and on and on.

At the same time, many preachers, when they bother to address singlehood, tend to narrow their commentary to SEX.

I’m sure, Mr. Pastor, that you do have a lot of randy 16 year old teen males who frequently confess to you that they’re horn dogs, asking is masturbation a sin, or who confess to looking at “Penthouse.”

But you know, there are still about (my figure may be wrong, but I think it’s around) one third of adult Christians who have not had sex yet, and some are over the age of 30. Some unmarrieds may engage in fornication or struggle with the temptation, but not all.

I was at another blog a few days ago, where a Christian guy was discussing why he almost gave up on the Christian faith.

He got divorced. I think he was in his 30s or 40s when he got divorced. After his divorce, he sank into a deep depression. He confided in his deacons at his church about how depressed he was.

He got a phone call late one night from one of these deacon guys who said, “You must be struggling with pornography. TELL ME THE TRUTH ARE YOU LOOKING AT PORN?”

The guy said, “No.” (And he was not). The deacon guy responded, “You can tell me the truth. I bet you are looking at porn! It’s a temptation for a lot of guys!”

I read this guy’s testimony and was dumbfounded.

It is just assumed that because he is divorced now that he’s looking at porn? A lot of married Christian men are addicted to porn. (Some married Christian women have also admitted to having online porn or dirty movie addictions.)

Based on studies I have read, lots of people in marriages or dating relationships get involved in porn because they find sexual release over porn easier or more rewarding than with their partner ((Link): here is one page that discusses it).

The same studies and other studies say that porn usage changes the brain’s chemicals, so that the person craves more porn.

These studies say it gets to the the point where boyfriends and husbands PREFER air brushed, fake women in dirty sites and magazines to their flesh and blood partners.

It’s very insulting, ignorant, and unhelpful for Christians to continue to assume and uphold this stereotype that sexual sin is the snare or province of unmarried people only, when it appears to be a larger problem among the married.

Continue reading “The ol’ Christian myth that married couples are impervious to sexual sin but singles have lots of sexual sin”

Online Interview – Re Impact of Americans delaying marriage

Online Interview – Re Impact of Americans delaying marriage

(Link) Hour 3- Kay Hymowitz from the Manhattan Institute talks about the impact of Americans delaying marriage.)

(Link): “Knot Yet” – PDF – delayed marriage study

The main concern in the interview has to deal with children being born out of wedlock – which I don’t give a crap about. (I used to care about stuff like this, but not anymore.)

There’s also concern expressed about women not breeding enough (ie, population decline), another thing I don’t care about.

The lady in the interview also seems to be maintaining the old stereotype that ladies who don’t marry are passing up men for career, they are too “career focused” in their 20s – NOT TRUE. This myth needs to die. One of the biggest problems is that there is a MAN SHORTAGE. There are not as many Christian males for Christian females. Nobody ever mentions this.

Christian Response FAIL to Sexual Sin – Easy Forgivism

Christian Response FAIL to Sexual Sin – Easy Forgivism

On a recent episode of the Christian program “The 700 Club,” someone wrote in to their (Link): “Bring It On” segment to say she had an extra- marital affair, and her spouse divorced her as a result. She wants to know how to move on.

Basically, the host, Pat Robertson, said that she should forgive herself. He made some sort of remark about how we are all “sexual beings” and may slip into sexual sin from time to time-it’s totally expected and normal to commit sexual sin, he seemed to be saying.

While I am not advocating that this adulteress beat herself up over her sexual sin for the rest of her life, or that the church should line up to toss stones at her, I found Robertson’s tone, comments, and attitude about adultery a little too dismissive of sexual sin.

There was this underlying vibe in his reaction that all humans are going to slip and literally sin sexually (ie, actually engage in physical acts, not just engage in sexual fantasy). However, this is simply not true.

There are some Christians who remain virgins past their 20s. It is a very damaging assumption and fallacy to keep suggesting, as evangelicals, Neo Calvinists, Baptists, and fundamentalists do, that nobody can resist sexual desires for years or forever. People can in fact resist giving in to sexual desires and acting upon them- but they choose not to.

If God is so easy peasy to look past sexual sins, including in the case of adultery as Robertson is claiming, and if sliding into sexual acts outside of marriage is totally normal and to be expected, why should I remain sexually pure at my age (I’m over 40)? There is no reason to.
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Related post(s) this blog

(Link): Christians and Cheap Grace Concerning Sexual Sin

(Link):  Some Researchers Argue that Shame Should Be Used to Treat Sexual Compulsions

*They’re Married?!?* Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

They’re Married?? – Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse – (Part 3) (see previous posts in this series (Link): by clicking here)

At the risk of coming across like a big meanie, here is part 3 in an on-going, “They’re married??” series.

Why am I doing this?

Because there is false, un-biblical teachings from some American Christians that singles who want marriage must qualify in some manner before God will permit them marriage or send them a spouse.

Common requirements spouted off by Christians to un-married Christians to merit marriage, are listed as follows (there are others, but they escape me at the moment):

  • You cannot have any “baggage” (i.e, have flaws, history of any sin at all, made mistakes in your life)
  • You have to be “content in your singleness” at all times
  • You have to be spiritually mature
  • You have to be thin and good-looking (for females; hypocritically, this standard is not applied to males 99% of the time by most Christians)

According to most Christian advice for Christian singles in blogs or books or television programs, an unmarried Christian must obtain pure, total sanctification in this life time and reach perfection, otherwise God will not send them a mate.

However, I have seen plenty of spiritually immature, old- fashioned- regular immature, stupid, poor, idiotic, ugly, fat Christians get married. So obviously, God is not holding brains, maturity, contentment, or whatever else, up as requirements for marriage.

The Old Testament alludes to the fact that Leah was not “easy on the eyes,” and was older than her sister Rachel, yet she got married first, to Jacob. So much for the common teaching among Christians that women have to look like, or be, perpetual 20 year old, stick thin blonde movie goddesses before they can get a man.

Next up is this photo of this newly married couple (I did not write the word “moar” on it; I found the photo like this on another site).

Notice that the groom and bride, (at least in my opinion, and I’d wager in most people’s opinions), are not all that physically attractive. Both are overweight:

Wedding Cake
Wedding Cake Photo

So, contrary to most advice aimed at Christian ladies on the internet and in books, a woman does not have to be stick thin to get a husband.

Though I can see how it may take a bit longer for un-attractive people to land a spouse, given how shallow and entitled some Christian men are about physical appearance.

Still, it is not out of the realm of possibility for a chunky woman to get a man. I am fit and thin myself, but being pretty / thin is no guarantee of getting a mate, either.


Related Posts:

(Link):  Salvation By Marriage Alone – The Over Emphasis Upon Marriage by Conservative Christians Evangelicals Southern Baptists

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link):How Married Christians, Churches, Conservative Christianity and Christian Dating Advice Books and Teachings about Sex, and Sexuality Purity are Keeping Christians Single Into Their 30s, 40s, and Older

(Link):  The Holy Spirit Sanctifies a Person Not A Spouse – Weekly Christian Marriage Advice Column Pokes Holes in Christian Stereotype that Marriage Automatically Sanctifies People

(Link): How Christians Have Failed on Teaching Maturity and Morality Vis A Vis Marriage / Parenthood – Used as Markers of Maturity Or Assumed to be Sanctifiers

(Link):  Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link): Unmarried and Childless Women Are the Happiest, Happiness Expert Claims (2019 Study)

(Link): Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

(Link):  Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link):  Some Christians Have Some Very Strange, Unsettling,  Creepy, or Authoritarian Ideas About Marriage, Divorce, or Mate Selection – and they think they should make your life choices for you

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

Part 2, The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried – Single – Christian

Part 2, The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried Christian
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(Link): Part 1: The World Does Not Need Another Marriage Sermon
———————-
The end of Part 1 read:
While the conservative Christians remain fixated on giving yet more marriage sermons, and bemoaning the liberal attacks on “traditional families” and “traditional marriage” they continue to ignore the needs and problems and mere existence of people over the age of 30 who are not married or who have never been married.

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–The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried Christian–

Jesus Christ told the story of the Good Samaritan. In that story, several people, including a priest (on his way to temple – “church” – services, I take it), walked on by the guy who was bloodied, beaten to a pulp, and on the ground and didn’t help the guy.

How many pastors and Christian organizations today keep on walking past the bloodied, bruised, hurting, scared, lonely, frustrated or confused, un-married adults over the age of 30, and do not stop to help them?

Cliches and platitudes, lectures, and un-solicited advice hurled at un-married Christians who desire marriage (such as “serve more!,” “read your Bible more!” “Jesus is all you need, He is sufficient!,” “be content in your singleness,” etc.) are not help, by the way. Nor are those approaches helpful.

Most of the Christians walk on by the bloodied, hurting older Christian singles (and other sorts of hurting Christians, such as those who are grieving over the death of a loved one) because they are in a rush to attend their church services to give (or to listen to) another sermon on marriage and parenting, or the threats of liberalism on “traditional family values and the American constitution.”

(Don’t forget the sermons about tithing and how to be financially successful, pastors love those too.)

So imagine that there is an un-married Christian who was attacked and left for dead on the side of the road, and she keeps getting passed by other Christians who notice her, but who do nothing to truly help.

To put another twist on this story, if we were running it parallel to that of Christ, who made the ‘much- hated- by- the- Jews’ Samaritan Guy the “hero” of His version of the story, it would probably be a homosexual, liberal, atheist, pot-smoking, long-haired Democrat who would stop and offer actual and practical assistance to the bloodied, wounded, un-married Christian on the side of the road.

Yes, contemporary, conservative Christianity’s greatest enemy would be the hero of this version of the Good Samaritan story, which most conservative, American Christians would likely identify as a homosexual, atheistic, Democrat (and, for those pastors still ten years or more behind culture trends, an enemy who also plays “Dungeons and Dragons” and reads “Harry Potter” books).

I can see that scenario happening.

I can totally see an evangelical Christian pausing to tell the wounded, and possibly dying, un-married Christian on the road side,

    “Lady, I’m sorry you’re hurting and beaten, but I’m on my way to baby sit in the church’s nursery and write another book about the importance of children and the horror of legalized abortion!

    Children are so important to the church, more so than any hurting un-married adult.

    Children are the future of America and the Christian church! They are our only hope for spreading the Gospel!

    I’ve decided to ignore the Bible passages where Christ says that one’s spiritual family is to take precedence over blood relations, and the parts that talk about converting Non Christians outside my family. Who needs any of that?

    The homosexuals and liberals are trying to destroy the traditional family and traditional marriage, and Muslims are out-breeding the Christians; that will never do.

    I simply must care for Christian youth first and foremost and really shout about the urgent need for Christian pro-creation.

    Wish you well, but I gotta go now!”

Next, I can see Southern Baptist president Al Mohler stopping for a bit, but only to offer absolutely no practical help to the injured, un-married Christian woman, but only to give her a condescending, judgmental lecture
(please click the “Read More” link to read the rest of the post):

Continue reading “Part 2, The Parable of the Neglected Unmarried – Single – Christian”

Why I Now Reject “Be Equally Yoked” – and on Becoming More Agnostic

Why I Now Reject “Be Equally Yoked” Teaching – and on Becoming More Agnostic

I explained this in previous, older posts, but here it is, in its own post:

–AGNOSTIC–

After years of being a Christian, I am now going towards agnosticism.

I still believe Christ died and was raised, but that’s about it. Jesus Christ is a wonderful person, but most who claim His name don’t really follow His teachings.

— FORNICATION —

I no longer care what the Bible teaches about almost anything (this would include teachings about sex outside of marriage).

–BIBLE DOES NOT WORK, GOD DOES NOT ANSWER PRAYERS, DOES NOT UPHOLD PROMISES–

The rest of the Bible’s teachings do not work. God does not answer prayers. The promises in the Bible do not work or come true.

–“UNEQUALLY YOKED”–

I no longer abide by the teaching “do not be unequally yoked.”

Christians like to tell horror stories about what will happen to you if you, a Christian woman, marries a Non-Christian. This is fear-mongering propaganda.

–MANY CHRISTIAN MEN JUST AS ABUSIVE AND BAD AS SOME NON CHRISTIAN MEN–

Problem is, plenty of “Christian men” out there are just as bad as abusive as Non Christian men.

Christian men are addicted to porn at the same rates as Non Christian males. They are just as apt to cheat on their wives, divorce their wives for a younger woman, to be emotionally abusive, as Non- Christian men.
(See links at bottom of this post for information with statistics and interviews with abused Christian wives about all this.)

–HAPPINESS NOW, NOT PIE IN THE SKY–

I don’t care about eternity. I care about the here and now. I care about being happy here and now.

— CHRISTIANITY -AS TAUGHT TO ME- DID NOT BRING ME PEACE OR ABUNDANT LIFE–

Being a conservative Christian all my life and sincerely following the teachings of Christ did not give me peace, joy, or an “abundant life.”

Christian teachings and trying to live them out brought me misery.

I was raised that proper Christian girls never get their own needs met, they never express anger, because other people’s needs and feelings are more important than their own.

Ergo, I was taught to just sit there and smile sweetly when people abused me physically, verbally, or emotionally. And I did. When people were rude, mean, or abusive, I wanted to strike back, but just sat there and took it, which only invited more abuse and made me deeply depressed, to the point I have been suicidal since childhood.

I was taught to permit and allow people to take advantage of me (financially, etc).

And most of such teachings were said to be biblical – “turn the other cheek”, “love your enemy,” etc. (Bible verses where Jesus or Paul struck back were ignored.)

It wasn’t til a F.M. (family member) of mine died a few years ago, that I began reflecting on all this.

I bought books by psychologists, both Christian and Non Chr, who said this passive approach to life, allowing one’s self to be abused, placing other people first all the time, is referred to as “codependency” and that, said the Christian therapists, it is not biblical.

So I went through life suffering and miserable for 30+ years living what I was taught by my F.M., Christian books, and preachers, was “Christian” and “biblical,” but it was all a distortion and a lie.

Even many preachers today, under teachings called “biblical womanhood,” “biblical gender complementarianism,” or “traditional gender roles,” will tell you that to be a true woman of God, you must possess codependent behavior (e.g., be submissive to all men at almost all times, be quiet, never show anger, don’t get your own needs met, always place other people’s needs first, don’t make your own choices in life, don’t confront abusive or rude people directly, etc).

Christianity held me back in life. It made me miserable.

The more of Christianity I left behind in the last couple of years, the more peace and happiness I felt.

Christianity, at least as it was taught to me, held me back in life. It made me miserable.

I now bristle at people telling me I “need to” or “should” live by their rules, or the Bible’s rules on life or behavior. I want to make my own choices about my life for once. I want to decide what is right and good for me.

I have a few other reasons why I am leaving the Christian faith, those are just a few.

At this point, trying to reason or argue with me from the Bible will fall on deaf ears. (I don’t care anymore what the Bible says on 99% of topics.)

Here are some links about how Christian men are just as bad as some Non- Christian men, so it doesn’t matter if you date or marry Non Christians:

(Link): The Silent Epidemic -Countless Christian women are battered every day

(Link): Christians For Biblical Equality: Free Articles About Domestic Abuse

(Link): Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence

(Link): Domestic Violence: The Christian Woman Battered and Abused?

(Link): Pastor Comes Clean About Porn Addiction

(Link): Porn to Purity: Christian Couple Bares All

(Link): It Won’t Happen in My Home And Other Myths About Internet Pornography [Christian women talk about their Christian husbands porn habits]

(Link): Christian men get honest about porn addiction

(Link): Barna survey: Baptists have highest divorce rate

(Link): Study: Christian Divorce Rate Identical to National Average

(Link): Biblical Battered Wife Syndrome: Christian Women and Domestic Violence

Excerpts from ‘The Silent Epidemic’:

    It wasn’t until Brenda [a Christian] realized his [her Christian husband’s insulting] comments weren’t true that she approached him. And that’s when he picked up a chair and hit her with it.

    Brenda knew she had to do something, so she went to her pastor. Unfortunately he wasn’t equipped to handle domestic abuse; his suggestions about submitting to her husband only made her home life more difficult. “Our church didn’t know what to do with us,” Brenda says. “They just wanted the problem to go away.”

    … According to Detective Sgt. Don Stewart, a retired police officer who handled domestic violence cases for 25 years, one out of every four Christian couples experiences at least one episode of physical abuse within their marriage.

    In fact, battering is the single largest cause of injury to women—more than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that 3 to 4 million women are beaten in their homes every year. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, approximately 2,000 women are murdered every year by an intimate partner.

Excerpt from “Pastor Comes Clean About Porn Addiction”

    Pastor Jones knows he is not the only person in church leadership that deals with a porn addiction. The statistics are startling.

    Fifty percent of Christian men and 20 percent of Christian women admit that they are addicted to pornography (Christiannet.com June 07).

    Fifty-one percent of pastors say cyber porn is a possible temptation; 37 percent say it is a current struggle (Christianity Today Leadership Survey, December 2001).

    Of Promise Keepers attendees, one of the largest Christian men’s conferences in the U.S., 53 percent admitted to viewing pornography regularly (Internet Filter Review, 2006).

    Forty million adults in the U.S. regularly visit porn sites on the internet (Internet Filter Review). Forty-seven percent of families say pornography is a problem in their home (Focus on the Family Poll, October 2003).

Excerpts from “Study: Christian Divorce Rate Identical to National Average”

    By Audrey Barrick , Christian Post Reporter
    April 4, 2008

    a new study affirmed born again Christians are just as likely as the average American couple to divorce.
    The Barna Group found in its latest study that born again Christians who are not evangelical were indistinguishable from the national average on the matter of divorce with 33 percent having married and divorced at least once. Among all born again Christians, which includes evangelicals, the divorce figure is 32 percent, which is statistically identical to the 33 percent figure among non-born again adults, the research group noted.

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Related post this blog:

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

(Link): Pro Ball Player Convicted for Kid Diddling Three Kids Claims to be an Outstanding Christian (and he’s married with a kid of his own) – again, why should Christian single gals limit themselves to only marrying Christian men? The Whole “Being Yoked Equally” thing is irrelevant and unduly limiting for singles

(Link): Kook Christian Groups / Individuals and Their Nutty Beliefs on Pro Creation and What Constitutes Being Unequally Yoked

(Link): Forget About Being ‘Equally Yoked’ – Article: ‘My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage’

(Link): Being Equally Yoked: Christian Columnist Dan Delzell Striving to Keep Christian Singles Single Forever

The Annoying, Weird, Sexist Preoccupation by Christian Males with Female Looks and Sexuality

The Annoying, Weird, Sexist Preoccupation by Many Christian Males with Female Looks and Sexuality

(Abbreviation: “Chr” = Christian or Christianity – you can figure out which by the context)

I touched on this topic in (LINK): my last post.

—RUTH AND BOAZ–

I was watching Christian author Laurie Cole interviewed on a Chr. television show, and she mentioned how the Bible character Boaz, an unmarried man, must have noticed Ruth’s “godly character,” and that is what attracted him to her.

I rolled my eyes when I heard that remark by Cole’s. Cole may be right about that view, but it’s not the norm in most of contemporary American Christianity.

Sad to say, most Christian males are just as shallow, fixated upon, and judgmental about a female’s physical appearance as most secular males are.

This is why I laughed when Cole seemed to intimate during the interview, after she talked about Boaz being attracted to Ruth for Ruth’s “godly character,” that a young, unmarried Christian woman should rest assured that she can attract a Christian man to marriage who also has godly character.

From what I have seen on blogs, books, and forums, most Christian males, even the (I’m going to be blunt) physically ugly and fat ones over the age of 35 (the ones who post their photos, or who I have seen personally in singles classes at churches), all feel entitled to a stick-thin, 25- year- old- movie star Megan Fox clone.

Further, many Christian pastors and male bloggers coddle such men in this erroneous thinking and reassure such Chr. men that this entitlement mentality and fixation on female youth and beauty is biblical, acceptable, okay, and normal.

(See, for instance (Link): this post (discusses Pat Robertson and Driscoll), (Link): this post (Christians marketing beauty products to women) and (Link): this post (Christians send conflicting messages about physical appearance to women).)

I have seen a smattering of blog posts over the years by married Christian males who chastise Chr. men over this undue emphasis and desire for young and hot female wives, and stress that men need to be considering the woman’s character and commitment to God, not just looks. Good for them, I say, but this sort of admonishment is pretty rare.

My own personal view on looks: physical appearance does matter.

But looks matter to both genders (most women would prefer to date/marry a good looking man), looks don’t just matter to men only (more on that point in a future post), but physical appearance should not be one’s primary or only criteria in selecting dates or a marriage partner.

—MOST MALE CHRISTIAN LEADERS PERPETUATE THE UNBIBLICAL, SEXIST HABIT OF MEN TO VALUE A WOMAN’S LOOKS ABOVE ALL ELSE, DO NOT HOLD MEN ACCOUNTABLE / CORRECT THEM —

For a lot of Christian men, female looks remain top, or sole, criteria – and they are not corrected on this thinking from the pulpits or in Christian material.

If anything, most Christians encourage Christian males to keep thinking this way.

As a matter of fact, much Christian preaching and dating advice (usually by males, but on occasion, by Christian females who sell out their own gender) push Chr. women as young as 15 years of age, to diet and look pretty; they stress to Christian females that their value remains in what they look like – not in their brains, talents, or that God loves them.

Continue reading “The Annoying, Weird, Sexist Preoccupation by Christian Males with Female Looks and Sexuality”

The Nauseating Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage

The Creepy Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage

With news that people are getting married later in life, if at all, some conservative Christians, in the past few years, have been pushing Christians to get married real early, say at age 18 or 19, or some suggesting age 21 or 22.

I don’t know why people are getting married later, though I might be able to come up with a few theories. I don’t know what the solution is, but I know what it is not: pushing kids to marry before age 25.

I found this long, mostly nauseating article at Christianity Today:

(Link): The Case For Early Marriage, by Mark Regnerus, first published in 2009

It’s a four or five page editorial, I’ve only seen the first two pages, and I am already fed up with it. I will address the author’s comments a bit at a time.

After mentioning that most Christians are having sex outside of marriage he (the author, Regnerus), makes these statements:

  • “What to do? Intensify the abstinence message even more? No. It won’t work. The message must change, because our preoccupation with sex has unwittingly turned our attention away from the damage that Americans—including evangelicals—are doing to the institution of marriage by discouraging it and delaying it.”
  • I’ve come to the conclusion that Christians have made much ado about sex but are becoming slow and lax about marriage…
  • Another indicator of our shifting sentiment about the institution is the median age at first marriage, which has risen from 21 for women and 23 for men in 1970 to where it stands today: 26 for women and 28 for men, the highest figures since the Census Bureau started collecting data about it.

Regnerus’ only concern is with “young” Christians (ages teens to 20s). How ageist. How about Christian women today who are age 35, 45, etc., who want to get married but have been unable to? Why is the spot light only focused on the 20 somethings by pastors, Christian blogs, and Christian magazines?

I suspect the hand wringing over young singles not getting married young may have something to do with fertility, given how often this author laments that women’s “childbearing” years are passing them by. He seems primarily concerned with getting ’em married young so that kids can be produced.

This point leads me to another: the author, Regnerus, makes several unfounded assumptions; here is one:

  • [quote missing]

Aside from being ageist – where is your concern for age 40+ women who want marriage? – Christians need to understand that some Christians are highly ambivalent about having children (they don’t care if they have children or not), while others are so firm in knowing they want none, they consider themselves what is known as “child free.”

A Christian should not push for marriage on the sole or primary basis that marriage is about “baby making.”

The author assumes that churches are hyping celibacy too much, but not touting the greatness of marriage nearly enough.

Oh get a clue, pal!

Maybe the celibacy message was poured on thick among teens back in the 1980s or 1990s and a bit today, but if you are a Christian virgin over the age of 30 today, you hear nothing from pastors or Christian blogs about the topic! It is just assumed that older Christians who have never married are having sex.

This author’s “solution,” which is for churches to preach and hype on marriage EVEN MORE than they already are doing (and have been doing for 40 or more years now) is quite similar to what Candice Watters wrote about this subject, and she was wrong too – I gave her the smack down (Link): here.

The author comments about how the average age of men and women for marriage has risen, and he uses the phrase “our shifting sentiment about the institution” in introducing this issue. The ‘rising age’ might not be an expression of sentiment – do not assume that because women are marrying at age 27 that they prefer this; there may be plenty that wanted marriage by 25 but it did not happen until 27.

I certainly felt I would be married by age 30 to 35. I never expected to still be unmarried by age 40+. Do not assume I, or by extension, any other woman, delayed singleness this long because I am expressing “anti marriage” sentiment. One cannot marry if one received no marriage proposals. (I received one years ago but had to break things off.)
Continue reading “The Nauseating Push by Evangelicals for Early Marriage”

Videos About Family Idolatry by Christians / Desiring Marriage is NOT Idolatry

Videos About Family Idolatry by Christians / Desiring Marriage is NOT Idolatry

If and when I find new video about Family Idolatry, I will likely amend this post to add the new links at the bottom rather than make a new post.

I was looking for some videos of pastors addressing the problem of the idolatry of family/ marriage/ procreation in American Christianity.

So far, I’ve not found that many. Out of the 3 or 4 I’ve watched so far, they don’t frame the issue in a way I’d like to see.

In the video with Tim Keller of Focus on the Family, he seems concerned only that Christian parents are doting on their kids too much; the same view was taken by some other pastor in another video.

Another pastor (Norbit), in another video, mainly seems to take issue with spouses who place spouses above God. He rants about how Satan may use your devotion to your spouse to distract you from serving God and following God’s will.

Norbit also goes into a strange tangent about how, in his view, some Christians use Jesus as a pagan might use a witch doctor. He chides them for looking to Jesus to get their needs met – which is an unbiblical view for him to espouse; we’re told repeatedly in the New Testament to look to God to get our needs met (financial, physical, or emotional). And I don’t completely get what the “witch doctor,” “church planting,” and “Hindu multiple gods” bits he gets into have to do with making a spouse into an idol.

Contrary to what this Norbit guy says at one stage in the video, serving people is sometimes how one serves God. (Norbit says that Jesus conveyed to Mary that Jesus came only to serve God’s perfect plan and not to fulfill what humans wanted or needed. I disagree with him, depending on how he means it, for God tells Christians it is sometimes God’s will for Christians to meet the needs of other people.)

All this criticism by these preachers of parents catering too much to their children, or of spouses doting too much on the needs of their spouses, is all very well and good, but what I’d like to see exposed is how exclusionairy and alienating family-, marriage-, child- centric Christian culture is for those of us who do not fit the “married with kids” status. But this point is almost never addressed.

I am waiting for some pastor to say from the pulpit,

    “To all the never-married Christians over the age of 30, to the divorced, to those celibates struggling with same-sex attraction, to the widows and widowers, to those married couples childless or childfree, I apologize on behalf of all American Christians who have either excluded you, ignored your needs, or who have repeated and maintained negative stereotypes against those who are not married with children. I am so sorry. This exclusion needs to stop.”

I had high hopes for one video by Bill White, but was annoyed with it.

Bill White admits in his video to being a happily married man with two sons (and I believe one daughter? I listened to his video only one time in the wee hours of the morning while half-asleep, so I don’t recall all the details).

Expecting White to scold Christians for ignoring the needs of, or stomping on the feelings of, never-married Christians or married couples without children, I was dismayed to see him telling infertile couples who desire children and never-marrieds who desire marriage that they are making an idol out of parenthood and marriage!

Gee thanks, Pastor White! As if we never-marrieds don’t get criticized enough already as it is in the chruch. Thanks for adding to the mistreatment even more! Much appreciated /sarcasm.

—- ANTI UNMARRIED STEREOTYPE

By the way, this is a typical attitude (an anti-unmarried person stereotype) I see fostered by pastors and Christian authors often: they are under the misguided notion that each and every unmarried Christian who desires marriage is de facto, automatically “idolizing” marriage.

It’s just ASSUMED that every woman who is single has turned desire for marriage into an idol. This simply is not true. But it’s also a problematic idea, because these pastors almost never quantify exactly how much desire borders on to “idolization.” Telling me that it’s a “heart attitude issue” doesn’t clarify things much, either.

If I think about wanting to get married twice per month, is that idolization of marriage? Or is it ten times per month? Is it 50 times per month? Does it become idolization when I join a single dating site in a year? Or 20 sites? And who, other than God, can really determine when and where that line is?

—- END Discussion of ANTI UNMARRIED STEREOTYPE

I think White tried to qualify his views by saying that if your need to have a kid or spouse is all- consuming that it’s a distraction from serving God, it becomes idolatry.

However, at no time do I recall White going out of his way to re-assure his audience that there is nothing selfish, idolatrous, or sinful about merely wanting to have a child or to be married.

Continue reading “Videos About Family Idolatry by Christians / Desiring Marriage is NOT Idolatry”

Unmarried / Single People Are Supposedly Bitter & Have Too Much Baggage – and that’s why you’re still single they say

Old accusation and stereotypes tossed at unmarried people, even if and when it’s not true: “You’re Bitter!” and “You Have Baggage!” (“And that’s why you’re still single!”)

Before I get to the purpose of the post, a couple of points:

1. Wooo! I am on a roll today! This must be my fourth post in a row today. I need to go jogging pretty soon, though, so I will have to leave the computer for that. But your married Christian bloggers can’t complain, since they say my one magical key in getting a husband is jogging regularly (men don’t want ugly fatties, I’m told).

2. As for the blog post’s heading.

I think Google weighs post titles more heavily than post tags, which is why some of my post headings are insanely long or appear strange.

I normally would not put both terms, “unmarried” and “single” in a post subject heading together, but I don’t know if a person out there will be doing a search using “unmarried” or “single.” Now for the post:

— Hey, since you are unmarried, you simply MUST be BITTER and have TOO MUCH BAGGAGE! —

I really intended on making this post after doing one about how Christians approach the issue of physical appearance, especially as it pertains to dating and marriage, before making this one, but I think that one will take longer to write than this one, and I’m not in the mood to write another long post today.

I’ve seen some Christian bloggers – usually married, male ones – who, when they write a blog post about dating and marriage aimed at unmarried people, if they engage with dissenters in their comment area, will invariably throw the word “bitter” at commentators who hold opposing views.

While it certainly may be true that some unmarried people are bitter – because they want to get married but remain single – I don’t think it’s true of all unmarried people.

I will address the topic of “bitterness” farther below, but I wanted to turn attention to the “I bet you have baggage!” stereotype first.

— BAGGAGE —

I think telling unmarried people they have “baggage,” as in, “the reason you are still single past the age of 35 is that potential suitors perceive someone of that age as having too much baggage” is an idea (and insult, really) that is over-used on blogs, in books, and in TV segments on Christian programs about dating and relationships. I have seen this term used on Christian sites and secular ones about dating and relationships on a somewhat recurring basis.

Continue reading “Unmarried / Single People Are Supposedly Bitter & Have Too Much Baggage – and that’s why you’re still single they say”

Topics: Friendship is Possible / Sexualization By Culture Of All Relationships

Every so often, the “Ask Amy” advice column can be instructive, or it reflects themes I’ve mentioned on this blog before.

A letter I saw today was one of those times; this is a letter from a married person to “Amy,” who answers letters mailed to the “Ask Amy” column:

DEAR AMY:

  • “Worried Husband” asked if it was OK to have a “secret friendship” with another woman.
  • Friendships help us get through life. One problem with our understanding of marriage is that it should be the “be-all and end-all” relationship. That is simply impossible. It’s this wrong-headed belief that drives us to feel as if we must have “secret” relationships.
  • If we can learn to develop honest and mature relationships with our spouses (and our friends), we avoid the destructive baggage that comes with keeping secrets. Your spouse doesn’t need to know every single thing that you do or say or feel, but she/he does have the right to not be lied to.
  • Secrets, in the sense of this situation, are lies. — Sally

DEAR SALLY:

  • I agree. Thank you.

I happen to agree with the letter writer too.

There is a web site which is about friendship, and if I could recall its URL, I’d give the link, but I don’t recall it at the moment. At any rate, one of the site’s guest writers, or maybe the guy who runs the site, laments how everything in our culture, and all relationships are sexualized to the point people just assume that males and females cannot be, or remain, platonic friends.

If and when every encounter or relationship is assumed to have romantic or sexual undertones, or that it will result in that, it makes many people hesitant to reach out to other people. It makes females hesitant to befriend males, males females, and marrieds reluctant to befriend unmarried people.

I’m not saying this is not a possibility, by the way. Many, many times over the years, I’ve had men mistake my platonic conversations with them as flirting. A lot of men assume if you are talking to them, even about mundane topics such as the weather, they assume you are hot for them and want to sleep with them or at least date them, when those are nowhere near your mind at all.

But then, I take it that this is due to the fact that males have been conditioned by churches and secular culture to view all women as temptresses who want them sexually. (I discuss this farther below.)

The church is not immune from this sort of thinking, either. Even Christians assume a man and a woman cannot be friends, or cannot remain friends for long, without the relationship turning sexual and/or romantic.

What this does is isolate unmarried people even further than they already are. (I’m not the first to pick up on this, of course. If you’ve read other blogs or books by and for unmarried Christian adults, you will see they’ve noticed this as well.)

It’s often assumed by Christian and secular culture that all men are wolves with huge libidos who will prey on a woman sexually if given even the smallest of opportunities. That may be true of some men, or even 80 – 90% of them, but not all.

And I have to wonder, even if the figure is as high as say, 90%, how much is that due to the male gender’s intrinsic biological make-up, or how much of that is due to the fall (sin entering the world via Adam and Eve) and/or how much is due to socialization.

I have to wonder, if you keep repeatedly telling a young male from the time he’s age ten or 12 or 15 on up, that he’s an absolute horn dog who cannot resist sex, and he’s supposed to want sex all the time, if he will then begin to think and feel that way precisely because he’s being conditioned to believe it by his teachers, blogs, parents, churches, etc., and how much is truly innate?

And there again, the disturbing, sick, troubling, ironic thing (in my view) is it is not just secular culture via movies, TV shows, movies, and rap and rock songs telling young males they’re horn dogs who have an insatiable thirst for sex, it’s also the typical preacher, Christian dating advice blogs, and Christian relationship books that do so as well.

So maybe it’s more of a self-fulling prophecy. Maybe a lot of young guys with otherwise average- to- low- sex drives would not have sex outside of marriage, or at least not before a certain age, if they were not hearing the implication all the time from pastors, Christian dating blogs, secular sources, etc, that there is something wrong or weird about them for either not acting on the urges they have, or for not having a huge sex drive to start with.

Anyway, the socialization aspect especially intrigues me because I was just listening to an online interview a while ago by a Christian guy who visits high schools to talk about sexuality with students, and he said there are teen males who don’t want to have sex yet, who don’t feel ready to have sex, who approach him in private after his lectures, to say they feel tremendous pressure to start having sex, but they’d rather not. They are looking to him to give them responses they can give to people to get them to back off with the pressure.

These teen males say to this Christian guest speaker that males in particular are ridiculed or harassed for remaining virgins past a certain age – which I do not doubt.

(By the way, if I were them – it’s nobody’s business as to your sexual status. If you are a 15 year old guy and your friends ask you if you’re still a virgin, and you would rather not answer for whatever reason, then tell them, “that is private and none of your business.” You’re under no obligation to tell people about your sex life, or lack of one.)

As a female, I can say this pressure and ridicule is also true for females, and it has been true over the last 20 or 30 years. Maybe it used to be true up until the 1950s or mid 1960s, that remaining a virgin until marriage was a huge virtue for females, or that it was more expected of females than males, but about the time I was a teen (in the 1980s) that was no longer true.

Girls get picked on and thought of as “nerdy,” unhip, weird, or a loser if they’re still a virgin at age 18, 20, etc. Girls get bombarded constantly with these idiotic messages from secular feminists that having casual sex and viewing porn is “empowering” for them, so they feel expected to have sex.)

The teen males aren’t alone in being made to feel like freaks or kill joys if they’re not sexually active – teen girls and women in their 20s and beyond also get subjected to this pressure, ridicule, disbelief, etc.

These male teens I was discussing a moment ago would prefer to remain virgins, at least for awhile longer, but they don’t know how to fight the taunts and pressure from their peers to cave in and have sex.

From a female vantage point, I get sick and tired of married women, or chicks with BFs (boyfriends), assuming I want to steal their man. I’ve been a “goody two shoes” my whole life – I’d never break apart another couple. I’m actually the last woman you have to worry about trying to steal your sweetie. For a woman to behave as though I’m a potential “home wrekcer” has always been deeply insulting to me. (I probably have better morals than they do – which I say not to brag, but only to point out how hypocritical some people can be.)

Secondly, on the part of the man or the woman (for I’ve had married men assume I can’t wait to bed them, so they must keep their distance from me), I almost never find these men attractive….
(please click the “read more” link to read the rest of this post, thanks.)

Continue reading “Topics: Friendship is Possible / Sexualization By Culture Of All Relationships”

Unmarried Christian Women Ain’t Got Time Fo’ Dat!

Unmarried Christian Women Ain’t Got Time Fo’ Dat!

I think you can click this picture to enlarge it if it makes it easier to read (I know you got time fo dat):

Sweet Brown says Unmarried Christian Women Ain't Got the Time to follow all your dating advice
Unmarried Christian women ain’t got the time to follow all your dating advice!
.

Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time

I’ve noticed that in a lot of dating advice for Christian singles, we basically get blamed a lot for our singleness.

There are so many negative, insulting assumptions made about unmarried Christians in the process.

If you’re an unmarried Christian woman who desires marriage (assuming you don’t get the condescending, idiotic commentary that desiring marriage is tantamount to “idolizing” marriage which we sometimes do get from some Christian quarters), you will get all sorts of  other derogatory remarks.

Being Attractive, Thin, or Wealthy Does Not Mean You Are Guaranteed To Get Dates or a Spouse 

Many Christian blogs and books for singles (even for ones as young as 15, but even for adults past 30), whether written by males or females, assume if you’re a single woman who’s not married yet, it’s because you’re ugly or a “fatty” – or both.

You will be told you need to lose weight, wear make-up, and grow your hair out long if you want to get dates, and later, a spouse.

The “Just Grow Your Hair Long!” Cliche’

Supposedly, all men every where love, love, love and adore long hair, as in super long, past- the- shoulders- hair, a la Cher from the 1970s.

Such hair is impractical and a pain in the ass to care for.

(I’ve also seen Non-Christian single women complain about the “grow your hair long if you want to catch a man” advice from secular advice givers, so it’s not just Christian women who get this one.)

The world’s greatest sex symbol, who still tops lists and polls for “most sexy,” or “most beautiful,” even more than 40 years after her death, frequently wore her hair very short, even boyish at times – I am referring to American movie actress Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn usually wore her hair short, or super short, and only wore it long for one movie role (in “River of No Return”), and maybe three, if you count two of her earliest films where she had bit parts.

Marilyn was married three times, twice when her hair was very short.

So obviously, men are not put off  by short hair, and advice-givers can drop that supposed requirement from the list of traits a woman must have if she wants marriage.

Christian Authors, Bloggers Rudely Assume: ‘If You Are Still Single, You Must Be Fat or Ugly or Weird’

One of the things I find offensive is that these blog writers and book writers, even the Christian ones, are assuming you are ugly or fat, even though they have no clue what you look like.

They seem to miss the point that you can be a completely attractive and thin person and still have a hard time meeting a mate.

This brings me to my next point… or two. (Please click the “read more” link below to read the rest of the post)

Continue reading “Following the Usual Advice Won’t Get You Dates or Married – Even Celebrities Have A Hard Time”

‘Contemporary Christian Virtue’ -Another Blog That Discusses Older Unmarried Christians

Another blog that talks about singleness and older Christians:

Contemporary Christian Virtue, by Shannon Mulvari

One of my favorite posts was this one – which unfortunately only shows up in google cache (she discusses how singles are stereotyped in the church, among other topics, such as how Christian culture exploits celebrity Christian virgins, how celibacy is usually ignored, etc):

Christian Single Adults Not Welcome in American Churches, by Shannon Mulvari (was first posted December 12, 2012)

I don’t know why its author edited or deleted that blog page – it’s an excellent page, and I wish she would re post it.

Here are just a few excerpts:
———————————
Don’t have a wedding band? Don’t have a marriage license? Don’t have children in tow? Played by all the rules and never found that special someone? Looking for encouragement and affirmation? I would not recommend churches today – unless you want to be treated like a leper. They do not welcome single adults, especially those who are older and never married. I’m not sure of all the reasons for this phenomenon. But I can tell you it’s a fact. And it works in both directions. Singles don’t feel needed or included in church activities. And churches don’t include them in leadership roles or welcome them in their congregations or social circles.

… This brings me to [another] reason singles have been excluded — Marriage and the nuclear family have been elevated to the point of representing the highest form of Christian standards. Church members with the gift of singleness who are concerned about the Lord’s affairs as Apostle Paul explains in 1 Cor 7 have been placed in fantasy land. They are theorized as an anomaly so rare, it doesn’t warrant a second thought. They can’t see beyond “the whole world is going to hell.” Instead, churches are hunkering down in fear of the gay lifestyle and circling their wagons tight around their nuclear families – at the expense of every other Christian virtue. I don’t support same sex marriage or the gay lifestyle either. But I don’t let that control my every thought and behavior.

… The fact is, we are no longer living in Mayberry [fictional American town, in a 1960s American television show, where most everyone had Judeo-Christian values] where innocence was taken for granted. There are no rewards for the virtuous Christian single today.
————————————-
[Read the rest of her post]

People Who Marry for the Wrong Reasons

There are times when I hate being single and wish I had been married, but there are times I’m glad that I’ve remained unmarried into my forties. One reason is that I see people who marry all the time – for the wrong reasons, and they are miserable.

There is a lot of societal pressure to marry, and to marry by the age of 35 at that, which is why so many women (and maybe some men) marry someone they are not truly happy with or in love with, and they get divorced years later.

Here’s another example, a letter sent to advice columnist Carolyn Hax with this heading:
“Quest for public approval pushed her into marriage and is keeping her there”

Here is what the letter writer said:

I don’t know why I got married. Probably a swirling mix of low self-esteem, anxiety and the desire to prove my mother wrong about my boyfriend caused me to pressure him to propose. What I’m left with is a husband who doesn’t really love me and the sinking feeling that I made a terrible mistake.

I don’t know how much effort to put into making this work vs. cutting my losses. He isn’t a bad person, but we don’t make each other particularly happy and this isn’t a relationship where I feel treasured. I would get a divorce without thinking about it, but I’m embarrassed about the possible “I told you so’s.” I keep hoping the minister made a mistake and we’re not really married and I can just walk away.

On a similar note, here’s an article that says that married women are cheating just as much as married men these days:

(Link): The New Face of Infidelity: Research shows women may be cheating now almost as much as men; the toll of new temptations

Here are excerpts from “The New Face of Infidelity,” by Peggy Drexler, October 19, 2012

…Lately, however, researchers have been raising doubts about this view: They believe that the incidence of unfaithfulness among wives may be approaching that of husbands. The lasting costs of these betrayals will be familiar to the many Americans who have experienced divorce as spouses or children.

Among the most reliable studies on this issue is the General Social Survey, sponsored by the National Science Foundation, which has been asking Americans the same questions since 1972. In the 2010 survey, 19% of men said that they had been unfaithful at some point during their marriages, down from 21% in 1991. Women who reported having an affair increased from 11% in 1991 to 14% in 2010.

A 2011 study conducted by Indiana University, the Kinsey Institute and the University of Guelph found much less of a divide: 23% for men and 19% for women. Such numbers suggest the disappearance of the infidelity gender gap, but some caution is in order.

…And if you believe the General Social Survey’s finding that 14% of women are cheating, keep in mind that 86% aren’t.

Still, even though survey accuracy is difficult to achieve and experts are by no means unanimous, it would appear that women are, indeed, catching up. In my own work as a psychologist and in my social circle, I see more women not only having affairs but actively seeking them out. Their reasons are familiar: validation of their attractiveness, emotional connection, appreciation, ego—not to mention the thrill of a shiny new relationship, unburdened by the long slog through the realities of coupledom.
Continue reading “People Who Marry for the Wrong Reasons”

Married Pervy 50+ Year Old Pastor Diddles 16 Year Old Kid

Married Pervy 50+ Year Old Pastor (Jack Schaap ) Diddles 16 Year Old Kid – Married Christians Not More Mature or Sexually Pure than Un-Married Christians

 Below is a link to a story about a 50-something preacher, Jack Schaap, who was carrying on a sexual affair with a teen aged girl from his congregation.

A lot of Christians like to tell un-married Christians that un-married Christians are not as mature or responsible as married people are.

Even if you are age 40 or older, a lot of married Christians assume you, a Christian single, have the maturity or life experience of a typical 15 year old kid. 

 A lot of preachers assume that un married Christians have raging hormones and have a different sex partner every night of the month. They never seem to figure out that marriage does not make people immune from engaging in sexual sin.

Married people are not always immune from immature behavior or selfishness, either. 

This originally comes from 

http://www.singlemind.net/?p=7281

Preacher Jack Schaap–pastor of FBC Hammond Admits To Having Sex with Teen Girl Repeatedly

Jack Schaap–pastor of FBC Hammond, IN–was fired after admitting to an affair with a 16-year-old girl.

Being a megachurch pastor, he probably qualifies as an Alpha, and power does tend to be the ultimate aphrodisiac.

But still…he is married, and has almost 40 years on the girl with whom he was fornicating. 

Oh, and he has written books on dating

This entry was posted on Friday, August 3rd, 2012 

This same pervy pastor also made this disgusting video, where he simulated masturbation from the pulpit, in front of people, including kids: 

(Link): Jack Schaap demonstrates how to polish a shaft 

Marriage does NOT make a person more mature or sexually pure than an un-married person, as that video and news story demonstrate. 

The Rhetoric of Singleness (from Slate)

The Rhetoric of Singleness – from Slate
by Michael Cobb
Being single and being lonely are not the same thing—but our culture insists on conflating them.

(I am not in agreement with all the author’s views)

Excerpts:

The following article is adapted from Michael Cobb’s Single: Arguments for the Uncoupled, out now from New York University Press.

….Yet the loneliness of being alone is so often framed by the intense, lyrical loss of a loved one—if not theloved one, a spouse.

Singleness marks being alone in a nearly paralyzingly profound manner—so much so that indi­vidualism, the value of aloneness, can barely be thought unless we strip away the pathologizing dynamics of coupledom that at­tach to the individual a bitter affect we might call loneliness. But what I’ve come to understand is crucial: Loneliness will not brand the single as much as aloneness does. The contemporary individual is not lonely, just single—but this is not culturally recognized.

I have serious misgiv­ings about the miscasting of singleness as a terrible condition worth our pity and obfuscation. As anyone who has thought seriously about single life already knows, the problem of the single is not the actual, lived experience of people who find themselves alone as much as the feelings that deliberately foreclose our understanding of single­ness because singles are thought to be lonely—and loneliness, as we’re frequently reminded, has terrible consequences. To be blunt: I’m sick and tired of the single person being the avatar of the lonely crowd.

(remainder of article on Slate)