Cheating Married Christian Women and Lessons I Take Away – and Being a Virgin Does Not Guarantee God will Send You a Spouse

Cheating Married Christian Women and Lessons I Take Away – and Being a Virgin aka Sexually Pure Does Not Guarantee God will Send You a Spouse

This post touches on two or three subjects I’ve raised before.

First, the erroneous assumption by many Christians (usually married) that singles are sleazy sleaze buckets with excessive libidos who fornicate all over the place, while married Christian couples are always sexually pure and never sexually sin.

Secondly, there’s an idea floated around in some Christian material (usually books about dating and marriage, but at times, in sermons) that having pre-marital sex (or committing other sorts of sexual sin) will prevent a Christian from getting married (or from staying married).

It's Magical
It’s Magical

It’s usually murky on whether or not the Christian author or speaker means to imply that God is (A.) directly punishing you for your sexual sin by with-holding a spouse from you, or (B.) if they mean to say it’s a natural consequence of your sexual sin. I usually assume they mean it’s A., rather than B.

However, I’ve not seen evidence of A. Well, not even of B, really.

On the contrary, I keep seeing televised testimonies on Christian programs such as “The 700 Club” or “Praise the Lord” by spouses who say their Christian spouse has a history of cheating, but they stayed with the spouse anyway. It’s sometimes a male who admits to cheating on a spouse, but every so often, one will see a female confessing to adultery.

I suppose such testimonies are intended to make the viewer think about forgiveness and grace, that we can see from this the grace God extends to sinners.

I walk away with the opposite impression. Here’s the lesson I get from these testimonies: it does not matter if you stray from a spouse and/or engage in sexual sin prior to marriage, because you can still get a spouse (including a Christian one);
Or, the other side of the lesson I take away is,
If you are already married and cheat, your believing spouse will not divorce you over the cheating.
In summary: There is no penalty for pre-marital sex or for cheating, or it’s not a large one, or sexual sin does not prevent one from getting a spouse, or not every one who engages in sexual sin suffers a negative penalty from it.

And hence (flip side of coin), there is no incentive to remain sexually pure and chaste.

Continue reading “Cheating Married Christian Women and Lessons I Take Away – and Being a Virgin Does Not Guarantee God will Send You a Spouse”

Un-Married Woman Pushes Back Against Stereotype Held By Married Woman That Single Females are Sexual Temptresses

Un-Married Woman Pushes Back Against Stereotype Held By Married Woman That Single Females are Sexual Temptresses

There is a stereotype in American culture, not only with Christians, but with Non-Christians, that all un-married people are promiscuous and have no sexual self-control, and that single females in particular are great big whores who are all man-stealers.

I was happy to see this un-married woman write in to an advice columnist recently and correct this stupid stereotype, and I have reproduced her letter farther below in this post.

I have no idea if the female letter writer, or anyone else involved in this, is Christian or not, but religious beliefs here are irrelevant, more or less, though I would hope Christians would be more fair-minded about things but they are sadly often just as bad as their Non Christian counterparts.

Is there not a Bible verse which advises Christians to think the best of people, and to not automatically suspect them of the worst?

Perhaps I am thinking of this Bible passage:

    1 Corinthians 13:4-8
    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

How often do married Christians violate that passage, to assume each and every un-married woman is a Jezebel, a sex pot, a wanna-be adulteress? I have personally had men over the years – married Christian men – who I’ve gotten to know online tell me that they must cut off contact with me, lest their wife assume we’re having an affair, or that one might happen.

Not only is this attitude rude and unfounded, but I have no idea what these men even look like, since they don’t generally post photos of themselves online (some of them do, some of them don’t). Not that I’d steal a hot-looking man away from his wife, either, but really, most guys I’ve seen in person who mistake my friendly chatter for flirting, are very bland-looking, or ugly or fat, or both ugly and fat – they are quite conceited if they think I want romance or sex with them.

You men out there who assume each and every un-married woman is hot for you -including the ones who merely strike up friendly, polite banter- need a reality check: unless you are a clone of movie star Hugh Jackman, Clark Gable, George Clooney, Gary Cooper, Robert Redford, or Ryan Gosling, and with a great physique, most women aren’t into you, sweetness. To quote from a Duran Duran song: “My obsessive fascination is in your imagination; I don’t want your love.”

Here is the letter from the un-married woman to the advice columnist, Hax, dispelling the notion that all single women are easy lays or are out to sleep with married men:

    On “available” women:

    In a recent column, a husband had a crush on a woman the wife described as a “pretty” and “available.”

    “Available” to whom? To the married man? Does single status imply that a woman would make herself available to a married man? I, and my single friends, see it otherwise. None of us would consider ourselves “available” to any man who wasn’t himself “available.”

    This wife’s choice of words implies that she believes that men can more easily “have” single women on whom they have a crush than married ones. Certainly we have plenty of evidence that married men fall for the wives of other men; yet the wife who wrote you implies that she would have been more comfortable had the object of her husband’s crush been married or otherwise “taken” — as if a married or “taken” woman is better positioned to resist him. Insulting.


    Annoyed by stereotypes

Women are in fact “visually stimulated,” just as men are, and most women do have sex drives (and contrary to what most in the media and from the pulpit continue to espouse about female sexuality), but it does not follow from this that all un-married women are cheaters or looking to steal a husband away from his wife.

Related posts, this blog:


Married Christian Preacher and Mistress Try to Kill Wife – Married Christians not more stable, mature, or godly than Singles

Married Christian Preacher and Mistress Try to Kill Wife – Married Christians not more stable, mature, or godly than Singles

You should know the drill by now: one commonly held stereotype among married Christians is that single Christians, even those past the age of 30, are less godly and mature than married Christians.

Here’s another example of this not being the case: a married Christian preacher man who was not only having an affair, but he and his mistress tried to kill the guy’s wife.

The added bonus to this story is that some of the church members of this perverted rat bastard preacher are supporting him.

Pastor Indicted for Plotting To Poison Wife on Honduras Mission Trip

And Will He Be Giving Sermons on Sexual Purity? Re: Church Restores Pastor Removed for Adultery

And Will He Be Giving Sermons on Sexual Purity? Re: Church Restores Pastor Removed for Adultery

This is yet another example of how Christians do not truly uphold their stated beliefs about traditional marriage, sexual purity and virginity- until- marriage, and it’s another example that flies in the face of all the emergent and liberal Christian propaganda that sexual purity teachings are idolized in Christian culture.

(Link): Megachurch Restores Founding Pastor Removed for Adultery – Christianity Today

    Jim Bolin isn’t the only pastor to step down over adultery, but few receive pardons and return to their same church. However, most National Association of Evangelical board members say pastors can be restored to church roles after marital infidelity. The highest-profile case study: Ted Haggard.

I wonder, after this pastor is “restored,” will he be telling the teenagers in sermons that “true love waits” and telling older singles that “celibacy is a gift” or writing marital guides and dating advice books and blogs telling singles that fornication is a no-no?
(Please click the “read more” link to read the rest of this post)

Continue reading “And Will He Be Giving Sermons on Sexual Purity? Re: Church Restores Pastor Removed for Adultery”

Sex Regarded as Passage Into Adulthood

I found this comment in a review of an episode of the television show “Mad Men,” A Psychiatrist Analyzes Mad Men’s Traumatized Sally Draper.

First, some background (taken from the Vulture page):


    It’s every teenager’s nightmare: walking in on their parents having sex. Except in Sally Draper’s case, things get even worse. In the Mad Men episode “Favors” [spoilers ahead for those who haven’t seen it], 14-year-old Sally stumbled into seeing her father, pants around his knees, making love to their neighbor Sylvia, who — just to compound the embarrassment — is the mother of Sally’s crush.
    Don later tells his mortified daughter that the situation is “complicated” — which, for him, it’s not, particularly, but it certainly is complicated for Sally.
    Even if she recovers from the humiliation, how will she trust her father again? Or anybody, for that matter? To find out if Sally will be scarred for life, or just become a giant hippie, we turned once again to UCLA-affiliated psychiatrist and Mad Men obsessive Dr. Paul Puri.

Here we have the question by the interviewer, who is interviewing a psychiatrist:

  • Now that I think about it, Sally’s friends on Mad Men have all seemed more sexually aware than she is. Might this have something to do with Don and Betty’s messed-up attitudes about sex?

Here is the shrink’s response:

    It could be from her parents, in that they both keep sex in the shadows; nothing is ever talked about with the daughter. When Sally was masturbating, her mother didn’t say, “We’ll have the-birds-and-the-bees talk.” She said, “You don’t do that alone, and you especially don’t do it in public.” So there’s been a denial there,

in trying to infantilize her 

    , even at this age.
  • The friend we saw in “Favors” is the only person right now who is encouraging Sally’s development into adulthood , so to speak. She’s encouraging her to grow, maybe too fast for her age, but I think that’s someone to whom Sally will gravitate now.
  • Pay attention to this comment in particular:

      So there’s been a denial there, in

    trying to infantilize her 

      , even at this age. The friend we saw in “Favors” is the only person right now who is

    encouraging Sally’s development into adulthood 

      , so to speak. She’s encouraging her to grow, maybe too fast for her age…
      ———————–//End Article Excerpts

    It would appear as though the psychiatrist, Dr. Puri, is assuming that a person does not reach true adulthood until he or she has sex. He seems to assume that those who do not have sex by their teen years or young adulthood remain “infantilized” in their adult years.

    Really, Dr. Puri? You’re actually going to equate having sex to being an adult?

    It’s not that I think people under the age of 18 should be having sex, but that you do not factor into your view that there are virgins such as me who are over 40 years old. I am not a child, nor am I “infantilized.”

    Continue reading “Sex Regarded as Passage Into Adulthood”

    Married Christian Couples and Sexual Sin, More Examples – and Women and Porn

    Married Christian Couples and Sexual Sin, Married Preachers and Sexual Abuse, More Examples – and Women and Porn

    Many married Christians like to assume that married Christian couples are not engaging in sexual sin, that sexual sin is something that only impacts un-married Christians. I’ve blogged about these stereotypes before.

    It is also assumed by conservative Christians, and this seems even more so of the males, that women (including Christian women), are not “visually oriented,” are not visually stimulated, do not view porn, and have little to no sex drive. These are other topics I’ve blogged about on a recurring basis as well.

    Here are some more examples. The first is a link to a page that – and this is virtually unheard of – a Christian author and speaker who acknowledges that married Christian men are addicted to pornography, he holds the men (not their wives) accountable for their porn viewing, and also (but sadly only briefly) mentions that some Christian women view and enjoy pornography.

    (Link 1): Southern Baptist Convention 2013: ‘One Million Men Porn Free’ Among Featured Programs at Annual Meeting


    Excerpts from Link 1,
    “So. Baptist Convention 2013: ‘One Million Men Porn Free’ Among Featured Programs at Annual Meeting”

      By Melissa Barnhart , CP Reporter
      June 7, 2013|1:24 pm

      To combat the bondage and destruction of pornography that has seeped into millions of American households Pastor Jay Dennis of First Baptist Church at the Mall in Lakeland, Fla., created his own program, “One Million Men Porn Free.” He is hopeful that more pastors will fearlessly address the issue after they learn more about it at the Southern Baptist Convention’s annual meeting in Houston next week.

      … He’s [Dennis has] also completed two new books to help Christians deal with pornography, one for men and one for women. The women’s book will address 50 things Christian women need to know about pornography, and will teach them how to deal with their own struggles with porn.

      … In an interview with the CP earlier this year, Dennis emphasized that women should never feel at fault or responsible for their spouse or boyfriend’s addiction to pornography because of something they did or didn’t do.

      “They should not accept responsibility for his choice,” he said. “Yes, there are triggers and issues in men’s lives that help to create the atmosphere for them to be tempted; however, it’s still his responsibility to live a holy life. No wife or girlfriend should tolerate continued pornography use in her man’s life. There should be strong boundaries and consequences enforced. She should demand accountability on his part. She should be his strongest prayer warrior, but not become his accountability partner.”

      Continue reading “Married Christian Couples and Sexual Sin, More Examples – and Women and Porn”

    Christian TV Network Daystar televangelist (Married Christian Guy) Marcus Lamb admits to past affair

    Christian TV Network Daystar televangelist Marcus Lamb admits to past affair

    This Lamb guy has been married for many years and heads a pretty big American Christian television network.

    No, married people are not above sexual sin. Not all un-married Christians are sleeping around.

    (Link): Daystar televangelist Marcus Lamb admits to past affair

      December 2010

      By Rachel Zoll
      The Associated Press

      A prominent Tarrant County televangelist appeared before a worldwide television audience Tuesday to admit that he had an affair with a woman years ago — and to allege that three people had tried to extort millions of dollars from him to stay quiet about his infidelity.

      The Rev. Marcus Lamb, who created Daystar Television Network with his wife, Joni, said he and his wife had healed their marriage and had hoped to keep his adultery private but went public because they would not pay extortionists. The three people demanded $7.5 million, he said.

    (Link): Exclusive: Former employee sues Daystar founder Marcus Lamb over his extramarital affair with another employee

    Link Roundup 1 – Abusive Mothers, Christians Shaming Singles For Desiring Marriage, Family Fixation

    Link Roundup 1 – Abusive Mothers, Christians Shaming Singles For Desiring Marriage, Family Idol Fixation

    Instead of breaking these topics into separate posts, here’s one big post covering two or three recurring topics that my blog here is all about.

    >> Topic 1. Conservative Christians think that unmarried and/or childless or child-free individuals are less mature, godly, or responsible than their married and/or parental counterparts. False. Another example of parents behaving badly:

    (Link): Mom arrested after 10-year-old son found in street drunk and naked

      A Florida mother was passed out from drinking while her 10-year-old son was found wandering their neighborhood naked and intoxicated. Local police officers arrested Nedra Byrd, 31, on neglect charges on Thursday night. Amanda Roesch, a neighbor who took the boy in dressed him, and put him to sleep, told reporters that she had walked over to the boy’s home.

    >> Topic 2. Christians who guilt trip or shame singles who want marriage, making us feel bad for wanting marriage, telling us we’ve turned marriage into an idol, and we “want marriage too much”

    (Link): Making Too Much of Marriage, from Christianity Today

    Okay, so, if I understand this right (see Mefferd links below), Christians are worried that Christian singles aren’t getting married, but when we say we would really like to be married, we are told we are “making too much of marriage.” Which the hell is it, Christian culture, speakers, and preacher? Do you want us singles married or not?

    If you married Christians (or you (Link): “shiny happy” single Christians) feel we singles who are not totally thrilled 100% of the time being single are “idolizing” marriage just by merely desiring it at all, then shut up with the blame and insults, such as, “you single Christians should WANT TO get married, but you do not get married because you are lazy, selfish, immature, irresponsible, or fat/ weird/ socially retarded and you must secretly HATE MARRIAGE and desire to be single FOREVER.”

    >> Topic 3. Fixation on Nuclear Family / Fixation on Gay Marriage, anything but Christian singles past 30 who desire marriage but marriage ain’t happening

    >> Topic Example 3. 1.

    The online paper, The Christian Post, was running yet ANOTHER editorial bemoaning the encroachment of homosexual marriage about a week ago:

    (Link): Is Your Church Ready for the Marriage Revolution?

      I have argued for years that our churches aren’t an embassy of biblical ethics in a land of sexual revolution. The embassy is aflame, and the sexual revolutionary flag is waving atop our consulate. We’ve surrendered on marriage in too many ways: on its permanence, on fidelity, and even too many times on its nature rooted in sexual complementarity. Just because we’re not marrying two grooms or two brides, yet, doesn’t mean we’re standing firm on marriage.

      And we’ll talk about practical matters your people will ask. Is it okay to attend a same-sex marriage since Jesus ate with tax-collectors? Should a Christian florist deliver flowers to such a wedding?

    >> Topic Example 3. 2

    I sent Janet Mefferd, radio host, an e-mail sometime in March or April of this year (2013), in response to one of her programs, where she and a guest were lamenting about the phenomenon of delayed marriage and declined birth rate.

    I explained to Mefferd what I’ve said on this blog before: it is a falsehood that most Christian singles are deliberately choosing to forgo marriage or are intentionally choosing to hold off marriage until their late 30s or later.

    See posts at this blog:
    (Link): Never Married Christians Over Age 35 who are childless Are More Ignored Than Divorced or Infertile People or Single Parents and
    (Link): The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

    I believe, if I recall correctly, that I also mentioned to Mefferd in my e-mail to her that this subject needs more attention from Christians, that Christians spend far too much time as it is “defending traditional marriage,” worrying about homosexual marriage, and just going on and on in general about marriage and parenting, and that this extraordinary amount of attention on marriage and parenting is very alienating and has negative repercussions on singles who desire marriage.

    It’s possible Mefferd did not see my e-mail I suppose; maybe she gets hundreds per day. My message was sent via her site’s e-mail submission form. But ever since I sent it, I’ve noticed in the one or two months since, she has done several more shows about homosexual marriage, traditional marriage, homosexuals wanting to join the Boy Scouts, about abortion, and so on.

    All this fixation on homosexuals and related matters is doing nothing to help the plight of mature (i.e., over age 30) Christian singles who want marriage. The church’s attention and energy can be better spent on other areas, such as actually helping people, rather than sitting around condemning secular culture.

    The church needs to be doing something concrete and constructive to help singles get paired up, for those who want marriage – “eHarmony” dating sites are NOT the cure-all, either. Churches need to be hosting more social events where singles can meet and mingle and that sort of thing. They need to be mentioning the topic of older (as in age 30 – 59) singles from the pulpit, on radio shows, and in magazines.

    Continue reading “Link Roundup 1 – Abusive Mothers, Christians Shaming Singles For Desiring Marriage, Family Fixation”

    Lists of More Married Preachers Arrested for Being Rapists or Child Molesters

    Lists of More Married Preachers Arrested for Being Rapists or Child Molesters

    Please see my post right before this one: Stereotypes Against Singles Refuted Series: Married IFB Preacher Arrested for Being Serial Rapist

    As it turns out, the “Stuff Fundies Like” site has many, many posts about pervy married pastors. Here is one entry at that site with a long list of married Baptist preachers who raped or fondled grown men, little boys, little girls, and/or grown women:

    (Link): Isolated Incidents (Completely Unrelated To All The Others Just Like It)

    That page links to another with even more links to more news stories of pervy married preachers:

    (Link): Blog On The Way (see the side bar on the right hand side of the page)

    The lady who runs that blog had this to say to a commentator on the SFL site:
    [Explaining that she focuses on child abuse cases among IFB churches]
    As I wrote previously, if I documented all the adultery, adult porn, adult fornication, and gay flings among Fundamentalist preachers, I would [n]ever be able to hold down a job.

    One heartbreaking, disgusting story featured on both blogs was this one, about a MARRIED BAPTIST COUPLE:

    (Link): Joe and Evangeline Combs (from Blog on the Way)

      Pastor Joe Combs and his wife, Evangeline Combs, were former Hyles-Anderson faculty/staff members. Though both had been members of Hyles’ church in Hammond Indiana, at the time of their arrest, he was pastoring in Bristol, TN.

      Joe and Evangeline Lopez Combs adopted their daughter, whom they named Esther, from the Baptist Children’s Home and Family Ministries, Inc., in nearby Valparaiso, Indiana. The woman then known as Esther Combs has said that her first memory is of being thrown down the stairs in her high chair. As a child, she was beaten, thrown against the wall (knocking out two teeth, which Evangeline rammed back into their sockets, burned repeatedly and with different instruments, including hot oatmeal and curling irons), cut open by blows from her parents, which Evangeline sewed closed with a needle and thread, and turned into a serving girl for the rest of the family.

      Joe Combs used her for sex repeatedly, and Evangeline Combs became jealous of her and continued the torture, including pulling out pieces of her skin with pliers. Finally, as a young adult, Elsa (then Esther) drank antifreeze to kill herself….

      Eventually, the young woman found the strength to call law enforcement back, and an investigation was launched. It was quickly discovered that Elsa (then Esther) had no birth certificate, no school records, no medical records, and no Social Security number. While Joe and Evangeline and their natural children lied up and down, investigators searched neighborhood trash cans and dumping grounds to locate family photos that had disappeared….

    Yes, not only were these two cretins married, claimed to be Baptist Christians, one worked as a preacher, but they also had children with each other, biological.

    I’m sorry to keep repeating myself (and this is something I will say again in the future), but…

      Conservative Christians think that fatherhood or motherhood automatically make a Christian more responsible and godly – they do not.

      News reports such as these do not fit in with the paradigm held by a lot of conservative Christians, particularly Baptists (IFB and SBC and others) and conservative evangelicals that married people are more sexually pure, more morally upright, or more mature than never-married adults (or the divorced) over the age of 25 – 30.

      The truth is that married people (and parents) are no more godly, mature, responsible, or sexually upright than singles, or never married adults who have never had children.

    — Related Posts / Indexes, This Blog —

    Discrimination Against Singles (by Christians / churches)

    Married People Are Not More Godly, Mature, or Sexually Pure Than Singles

    Married Christian Couples Engage in Sexual Sin (News Story Examples)

    Addressing the Christian False Teaching That You Have to be Sinless or Perfect or Else God Will Not Allow You To Marry

    Stereotypes Against Singles Refuted Series: Married IFB Preacher Arrested for Being Serial Rapist

    Stereotypes Against Singles Refuted Series: Married IFB Preacher Arrested for Being Serial Rapist

    Before I post about the serial rapist preacher, I do want to point out that some churches may be turning their noses up at singles for positions of leadership not always out of an outright bias against singles or singlenes, but that many churches, especially of the IFB bent apparently, are cheapskates: they want a married pastor because they get two slave laborers for the price of one, a husband and his wife.

    Apparently, a preacher’s wife is expected to fulfill unpaid roles at many churches and in many denominations, such as providing free church child care; running and organizing church activities; and playing the piano during church services.

    Some people at one forum were copying “Pastor Wanted” ads into one thread, and a few of the advertisments specifically required that the pastor applying have a wife, and the wife’s duties were spelled out, as “she must be a piano player,” etc.

    The thing I find sad and funny is that these are not biblical standards in the first place, and some of the churches adhering to these standards claim to be “KJV Only” or to care deeply about “biblical standards.” The Bible does not say all preachers/ teachers have to be married, or have to have children, or that a pastor must have a wife who plays musical instruments.

    Note also that a lot of this abuse against women (and young girls) by Christians are in churches that have a low view of the female gender, which they call “traditional gender roles” or “biblical gender complementarianism.” They adhere to very strict gender role perspectives. These types of churches/ Christians typically believe a woman is suitable for only being barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. The males have very sexist views of women and usually blame females for being raped -much like Islamic honor killing culture.

    Now, the star attraction of this post, the biggest reason you clicked the link to read this post:

    Ah yes, another married person, and a pastor no less, was revealed to be less than saintly. The guy was arrested for being a serial rapist. He worked as a preacher. He hanged himself while in jail.

    Mr. Pervy Pastor had two or three children, so he was a father, too, not just a husband.

    And we know that conservative Christians think that fatherhood (or motherhood) automatically make a Christian more responsible and godly. *Snicker*
    (See previous post on this blog: (Link): “Fatherhood Not Quite the Producer of Manly, Mature, Godly Men Some Conservative Christians Make It Out To Be”)

    News reports such as these do not fit in with the paradigm held by a lot of conservative Christians, particularly Baptists (IFB and SBC and others) and conservative evangelicals that married people are more sexually pure, more morally upright, or more mature than never-married adults (or the divorced) over the age of 25 – 30.

    The truth is that married people are no more godly, mature, responsible, or sexually upright than singles.

    Most “sexual purity” sermons, books, and blogs about sexual sin assume that all singles, or at least those under the age of 30, are “randy” all the time and having sex with hundreds of partners per week, even though that is not true for all singles, especially not all Christian singles. (Note the ageism, not just the single stereotype in play: most churches don’t even stop to consider that singles over 30, 40 have sexual desire, or they don’t care.)

    Here are some links and excerpts about the pervy rapist IFB preacher (even in death, his pastor friends, who knew the truth about the guy – that he was reportedly a rapist – gave him a glowing eulogy in one of their publications. Link to that below):

    (Link): “Spinning Scandals Redux” (Deceased Pervy Pastor Known To Be Pervy By All Gets Glowing Obit from IFB Church Publication) (via “Stuff Fundies Like” site)

    (Link): Pastor’s arrest, suicide stun church

    (Link – from a blog): Two Sides of Matthew Jarrell

    (Link): Former York County pastor’s arrest, travels spark nationwide sex-assault search (story dates from 2011)

      By TED CZECH
      Daily Record/Sunday News

      York, PA – In May 2007, the Rev. Matthew Dwayne Jarrell picked up a woman in Texas. She said he flashed a gold badge at her and told her if she did not do what he wanted, he would arrest her.

      Instead, San Antonio Police arrested him and charged him with sexual assault. In his vehicle they found two knives, a stun gun, leather gloves, video equipment and a machete.

      Last week, Jarrell, 41 — who at one time served as pastor of Old Paths Baptist Church in North Codorus Township — was again arrested on a sexual assault charge, this time in West Virginia.

      Police there say he offered a woman a ride home, drove to a secluded area and raped her.

      Continue reading “Stereotypes Against Singles Refuted Series: Married IFB Preacher Arrested for Being Serial Rapist”

    The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

    The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

    I really don’t feel as though I fit in anywhere, even among singles. I am single and have never been married but would like to be married. Then there are times I’m fine with being single.

    A problem I have experienced is that most people fall into strictly one side or the other, or some married people handle singlness strictly one way or another; there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground, but I’m in the middle.

    There are occasions I’d like to be married, but I resent being overlooked, hounded about, or mistreated by churches and society while I am single, or for being single.

    I’d like to be married because it would be great to share life with someone. It would be nice to have companionship.

    However, I don’t think I should fall into the codependent habit of thinking I require a man to be whole, happy, or to have an identity.

    I also reject Christian sexism (which sneaks into churches under the guise of “gender complementarianism”) which teaches all manner of obnoxious garbage, such as, women need a “male priest” (a.k.a. a husband) to access God on their behalf (yes, they really do teach this crud), or, women need a “male covering.” No, we don’t need either one of those. Those ideas are foreign to the Bible.

    Yes, I hope to marry eventually, but while I am single, I want to be treated with respect by secular and Christian culture. I want to be noticed and acknowledged while I am single.

    Churches, preachers, and most married Christians typically ignore singles over the age of 30.

    If they aren’t ignoring us, churches, pastors, and married Christians are treating us singles over 30 as though we are slaves meant to do nothing but church menial work. Or, they insultingly assuming we’re all fornicating, or, they assume we are still single because we are weird, fat, ugly, socially retarded. Or, they wrongly assume, we singles past 30 must be blazing homosexuals, or stalwart, liberals and feminists.

    For singles such as myself who want marriage, it’s frustrating and insulting to hear from preachers and churches that I should just accept singleness, I should “be content,” or I should “make the most of my singleness” and to hear other platitudes.

    I abhor the books and blogs by older Christian singles such as myself who have thrown in the towel on their own hopes of marriage to lecture singles like me to just give in too, and they write we should remember God doesn’t care about our earthly happiness (supposedly), and we should remember eternity, where we’ll all be single anyhow.

    I want to be respected while I am single and have my needs met by churches as a single. I want to be met where I am. I don’t want my singleness brushed aside, overlooked, or treated like it’s a disease that needs to be cured.

    At the same time, though, I want my goal and hope of getting married one day to be RESPECTED and ENCOURAGED, not as is the usual case: shamed, insulted, ignored, or put down, and don’t tell me it’s a sin to be single, or that I am at fault in any way for being single, or that I failed because I was supposed to be married by my mid-20s.

    I also don’t want to be given guilt trips or have it implied I am being selfish or ungodly for wanting to be married.

    I don’t want pastors, Christian dating and relationship advice authors, and older Christian singles telling me to lay down my hope of being married.

    I don’t want or need any more stupid, condescending, rude advice or cliches such as “just grow your hair long,” “Jesus is all you need,” or, “try eHarmony.”

    Singles who are happy being single, who don’t want marriage at all, should be respected for remaining single if they so choose.

    Some first marriages today in the USA aren’t taking place until one or both partners are in their late 20s or older. I have started collecting news stories of people who don’t get married for the first time until age 35, 40, 50, or older.

    I’m afraid a lot of older married couples (as in ones who have been married for decades now) haven’t caught on that culture has changed, and people are delaying marriage until they are older – and contrary to the Al Mohlers and Debbie Makens of the world (the few Christians who do bother to notice that people are marrying later in life), that is not necessarily bad, sinful, or wrong. You just might get married for the first time in your late 30s, age 45, age 55, or who knows when.

    Nobody should be pressured into marriage. Singlehood needs to be accepted and respected as a valid life choice for Non Christians and Christians. But often, it’s not. Here’s an example from an “Ask Amy” column:

    DEAR AMY: My daughter, 40, was married to a man who was mentally abusive. He estranged her from her brother and friends and tried to end her relationship with her father and me. When she divorced him about five years ago, we were very happy. Fortunately there were no children.

    A few years after the divorce she went to therapy, but I don’t know how much progress was made. Now she has no desire to date or to have a committed relationship with a man (or woman, for that matter).

    She just says she is not interested. Her brother, who is married, has tried multiple times to encourage her to have a relationship with someone. The way he approached the subject was somewhat harsh, and she is more adamant than ever about meeting or dating.

    She is a beautiful and intelligent woman and a very successful lawyer with her own practice. She and I are close. We are able to speak openly with each other, but this is a delicate subject. We are a very small family, and my husband and I won’t be around forever. I would appreciate any advice you can give me.— Worried Mother

    DEAR WORRIED: My advice is that you (and her brother, especially) should stop urging your daughter to believe that there is something wrong with her.

    You don’t say that she is angry, depressed or friendless, only that she is a successful survivor and a very successful professional and a beautiful, intelligent and lovely daughter.

    Marriage and intimate emotional partnerships are not the answer for everyone. If your daughter says she is not interested in having this sort of relationship in her life, I think it would be great (and honest, true and supportive) for her family members to believe her. And then stop bothering her about it.

    Amy’s advice is good on this letter. People should not be pushed or hounded into getting married. Singleness should be respected. Singles should be respected.

    At the same time, though, remember:

    If you are an un-married person who is desiring marriage, that’s acceptable too, regardles of you age.

    Don’t let anyone, not famous preachers or older Christian singles in books, blogs, or forums, make you feel ashamed, selfish, or guilty for wanting to get married or for actively pursuing marriage (if you are using dating sites, asking friends to fix you up on dates, using churches to meet other singles, etc).


    Related Posts:

    (Link):  Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage

    (Link):  Research: Being Single [or Fear of Being Single] is a Meaningful Predictor of Settling for Less in Relationships

    (Link):  ‘Leftover’ Is A Term Used In Many Parts of Asia For Women Who Haven’t Married By Their Mid-20s

    Glad I’m Not Married – ‘Help! My Husband Caught Me Cheating and Now Wants an Open Marriage.’

    Glad I’m Not Married – ‘Help! My Husband Caught Me Cheating and Now Wants an Open Marriage.’

    This is also another example of married couples who are engaging in sexual sin. That’s right, the old trope about all un-marrieds being sleazy, randy, horn dogs who hump everything in sight isn’t true. Some married couples are into that. Here’s another example.

    From Dear Prudence:

      In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband caught her cheating and now wants an open marriage.

      Q. Husband Wants an Open Marriage: A few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame. He moved out and initiated divorce proceedings, but in the time since, I was able to convince him that I am truly repentant and to give our marriage another chance for the sake of our children.

      The problem I have now is that he says that if we are to stay married, he wants it to be an open marriage.

      I’ve tried to tell him that I’ve gotten that out of my system and I don’t want to be with anybody other than him, but he says there just isn’t any way he can ever trust me again, he doesn’t feel an obligation to be faithful to me anymore, and at least this way we’re being honest about it.

      Prudie, it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman. I just want things to go back to how they used to be. How can I convince him that we need to be completely committed to each other in order for this to work?

    More Schadenfreude – Glad Not To Be Married Series

    More Schadenfreude – Glad Not To Be Married Series

    ((Link): See other posts in this series.)

    From the Carolyn Hax advice column:

    How About Using Celibates as Role Models For Celibacy? (Oddity: Christians Holding Up Non-Virgins [Fornicators] As Being Experts or Positive Examples on Sexual Purity)

    How About Using Celibates as Role Models For Celibacy? (Oddity: Christians Holding Up Non-Virgins [Fornicators] As Being Experts or Positive Examples on Sexual Purity)

    ((DISCLAIMER. This post is addressing consensual sex, NOT sexual abuse or rape.))

    As one regular blog visitor, John M.(*) has noted on a prior post or two, Christian culture has a very peculiar habit of holding up Non-Virgins as role models on virginity (or celibacy, sexual purity), and I’m not talking about married Christian people who have remained faithful to their spouse (which is also a tad annoying as far as using marrieds as spokes-persons for singles or for issues singles face), but also people who had sex before they were married.

    Often in these stories, the so-called authority on sexual purity had sex as a teen or 20-something, but then decided to stop having sex until marriage. So technically, these sorts of individuals are not virgins.

    Some of these individuals, ones who committed fornication, like to call themselves “spiritual virgins,” “secondary virgins” or “born again virgins.”(No, I’m not kidding about that, see this older post at this blog.)

    Some Christian organizations, such as Ron Luce’s, teach kids about a concept called “Emotional Virginity.” (Yes, they do. (Link): See this post.)

    I can only assume there is a corollary teaching in such groups, something called “Born Again Emotional Virginity,” or “Spiritual Emotional Virginity,” for those teens who have failed to keep “Emotional Virginity.” (Not that I believe in such a concept of “Emotional Virginity” myself; it sounds ridiculous and unbiblical.)

    God certainly does forgive people their sexual sin, but coming up with terms such as “born again virgin” and the like to denote that you are forgiven for your fornication, and to ease your conscience on some level, cheapens honest- to- goodness virginity.

    Such terminology and such attitudes (and it comes up regularly in secular and Christian feminist, anti- purity/ anti- modesty writings on the internet, too) makes a mockery of those of us who have literally held out past the age of 35 or 40 and are still virgins – not figuratively, allegorically virgin, but really- and- truly- we’ve- never- had- sex variety type of virgin.

    -Churches and Christians Hold Up Fornicators As Paragons of Sexual Virtue-

    Things get a little stranger when one realizes that in the Christian blogging, television, and magazine world, and on the speaking circuit, Christian fornicators (those who had sex before getting married) are held up as experts or as role models for sexual purity to teen-agers and young adults.

    (I’d like to pause here to say, for the billionth time, celibacy and virginity are not just for Christians under the age of 25 or 30, when will the church address the needs and concerns of unmarried celibates past the age of 30? Most Christians continually assume that nobody is strong enough to resist the urge of sex past the age of 25 / 30, which is incorrect, since some of us have in fact done so.)

    I just blogged the other day about an article from “Christian Post” online magazine about a woman, Gresh, who is hired to speak to teens or write literature for them concerning sexual purity, yet she had sex when she was 15 years old, and she was not married at the time. She says she regrets having been sexually active outside marriage.

    I am not sure why the Christian community likes to hold up failures at sexual mores as pristine examples for youth to follow.

    Maybe most Christians assume one who has failed at sexual purity but recommitted to celibacy at a later date is more relateable for teens. Maybe the thinking is such individuals have more insight because they made a mistake but conquered it or learned from it.

    Here’s a novel idea, preachers and Christian community:

    How about holding up Christians who have not failed at sexual purity as role models for sexual purity? If a Christian did not yield to sexual pressure as a teen or 20 something and is still an actual virgin (not a “born again virgin” but a genuine one) past the age of 40, Christians can learn from them.

    The Bible contains advice in the Old Testament along the lines that if you want to know how to become wealthy, hang out with, befriend, and talk to wealthy people. The Bible does not say to hang out with people who are living in poverty or take financial tips from spend thrifts, or to take monetary advice from welfare recipients, now does it? No, it doesn’t.

    The Old Testament also says, if you want to find out how to be wise, then associate and question wise people, and learn from the wise. The Bible does not say, “If you want to find out how to be wise, befriend and take advice from the biggest idiots you know, or people who regularly make foolish choices.”

    So, wouldn’t it make sense for churches and pastors to point to Christians who are still virgins at age 35 and beyond as experts or role models for sexual purity?

    I’m afraid one reason many churches do not is that there are several stereotypes about never-married celibate adults. The truth is that most older celibate Christians are HETERO sexual and have normal sexual drives.

    (Please click the “read more” link to read the rest of this post)

    Continue reading “How About Using Celibates as Role Models For Celibacy? (Oddity: Christians Holding Up Non-Virgins [Fornicators] As Being Experts or Positive Examples on Sexual Purity)”

    Male Preacher Marries For First Time At Age 44

    Male Preacher Marries For First Time At Age 44

    Please note: the following is hosted by on the site of the “Biblical Counseling Coalition”. I disagree with their views as to the causes and treatment of mental health issues.

    (Link): The Bachelor Pastor: Three Reflections From my Single Life

    His article is very long, so please click the link above to read the whole thing. Here are just a few excerpts:

      AUGUST 19, 2012: I have waited 44 years to write this. It is my last sermon as a single man. This coming Saturday I will marry the love of my life, Miss Jennifer Terrell.

      The unusual circumstances of my marriage give me an opportunity to say some important things. The first circumstance that makes my marriage atypical is my age. I am 44 years and 7 months old. If the national average age for a man’s first marriage is 28, this means I’ve had more time than average to think about these things.

      The second circumstance is my role in the church. I have been a pastor for 20 years and senior pastor here at Bethel for 15. My observation is that bachelor pastors are rarer than Packer fans at Soldier Field, and they are sometimes treated like them. They receive disparaging comments, questions of sexual orientation, and the like.

      These challenges are often overlooked in the church and I have one last chance to write about them as an insider, before I become one of those married pastors telling singles how they should feel.

      Many people have had the misunderstanding that my singleness was somehow related to a monkish vow of ministry or that I was so focused on Jesus that I had no interest in women or marriage. To the contrary, I have had my marriage radar on high alert since I went to college. I wasn’t desperate, and clearly wasn’t in a hurry, but I have greatly desired marriage and the blessings that go with it. In fact, I would say if I erred on any side, I have erred on marriage being too important.

      Related post this blog:

      (Link): Woman’s First Marriage at Age 40+

    How About the Celibates? Christian Publications Continue to Spaz About Unmarried Christians Having Sex | (And a Link Dump)

    How About the Celibates? Christian Publications Continue to Spaz About Unmarried Christians Having Sex – (Also in the post, links to various articles)

    Not only are most Christian publications continually freaking out about un-married Christians who are doing the nasty (ie, having sex), but one Christian personality, Timothy Keller, goes so far as to bizarrely suggest that any and all struggles a person has with his or her faith is due to fornication (link below).

    Notice that most of these Christian links below about sexuality and virginity are geared towards “youth.”

    Christians past age 30 who are virgins who have sexual desire, who want to be married and having sex but marriage is not happening, are not discussed or addressed.

    Does the church only care about the under 25 demographic remaining sexually pure? Is it okay with other Christians for me to have sexy sex now that I’m age 40+ and still not married?

    The impression I get is that the church only cares about under- 25s or under- 30s abstaining, and the church just sort of gives up on you if you’re still not married at 30. I guess I can take this as indirect approval that I can have sex now, thanks American Christian culture for the pass!

    Note that for every article Christian pastors and magazines devote to un-married Christians who are having sex, they are further and further pushing Christian celibates away.

    When oh when will I begin to see such breathless devotion to Christians who are celibate get mentions or get featured prominently on the cover of “Christianity Today” every so often? Why do those who are sinning (i.e., the fornicators, and those fornicators who are under age 25 / 30) get all the attention from preachers and Christian publishers?

    Here are the links:

    (LINK): ‘Who Are You Sleeping With?’ My Conversation with Timothy Keller

    Rachel Held Evans gave Keller the smack down at her blog (rightfully so – I mean who the hell seriously ascribes any and all skepticism to fornication?):

    (Link): Is Doubt An STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease)?

    (Link): Tim Keller, Rachel Held Evans, and the Virginity of Young Christians

    (Link): The Gospel and Sex by Tim Keller

    (Link): The Sex Lives of Unmarried Evangelicals From Christianity Today

    (Link): There’s Too Much Sex Talk in Fundy Land (Re Christian Fundamentalists)

    An entire site by Christians about sex – sex and the Gospel:

    (Link): Sex and the Gospel – A Biblical View of Sex

    (Link): Sex and the Gospel Conference to Teach ‘Foundation of God Sex’

    Sex Shouldn’t Be Better Than Church, Says Professor

    Married People Aren’t More Virtuous Than Christian Singles

    Series: Married People Aren’t More Virtuous Than Singles

    Another example of a self- professing Christian having an extra marital affair, this time, a preacher no less.

    A lot of (married) Christians assume only un-married Christians are engaging in sexual sins – as though married couples are above this sort of thing. They’re not. See previous posts on this blog for more commentary about this stereotype of Christian singles as being out of control horn dogs who are big ol’ tramps, and as though being married makes one immune from sexual sin or being tempted by it.

    (Link): Megachurch Pastor David Loveless Resigns After Admitting to Past Affair

      By Jeff Schapiro , Christian Post Reporter
      May 7, 2013|3:11 pm
      David Loveless has resigned as the lead pastor of Discovery Church in Orlando, Fla., after admitting that he had an extramarital affair.

      “It is with great sadness that we announce the immediate resignation of our lead pastor, David Loveless, following his acknowledgement of his participation in a wrongful relationship over multiple years with a woman not his wife,” a statement from the church’s elder board reads. “While David indicates that the relationship was ended approximately three years ago, we were only made aware of it when he informed us in recent days. David offered his resignation and the elders prayerfully and unanimously accepted it.”

      The Church Wounds co-author and his wife, Caron, have been married for more than 37 years, and they have three married sons and seven grandchildren, according to his blog. The church he is leaving has been recognized as “one of the 10 healthiest churches in America,” his blog formerly stated, and he was recognized as “one of the top 20 Christian leaders in the U.S. to watch.”

    Related posts, this blog:

    (Link): Married Pervy 50+ Year Old Pastor Diddles 16 Year Old Kid

    (Link): The ol’ Christian myth that married couples are impervious to sexual sin but singles have lots of sexual sin

    (Link): Married Women Engage in Sexual Sin – and most men in denial particularly Christian conservatives

    Motherhood Does Not Necessarily Make Women More Mature, Selfless, Responsible, Or Spiritual

    Motherhood Does Not Necessarily Make Women More Mature, Selfless, Responsible, Or Spiritual

    Many Christians have biases against unmarried people and people without children. If you’ve never married and had kids, married Christians think you are selfish, lazy, have a stress-free life and oodles of free time. There is this misperception that only married people with children have life tough and have “real” responsibilities, or that married people are more responsible and mature. Here’s an article which says otherwise:

    (Link): Why There Are More Walk Away Moms

    By Peggy Drexler, Special to CNN

      Eleven years ago, Brenda Heist dropped off her young kids at school — and never returned. Not to pick them up later, and not to their Pennsylvania home. The family thought she was dead. That something terrible had happened to her. What else could explain the sudden disappearance of a woman her daughter, then 8, later described as a “great” mom?

      But then last week, after more than a decade, Heist turned up in Florida, revealing to police that she hadn’t been kidnapped or killed. She had, she said, been stressed.

      Most mothers are familiar with the feeling — for some it’s more fleeting than for others — of total exhaustion, frustration, a sense of being overwhelmed by duty and the responsibility of raising children. Maybe some indulge in a momentary fantasy of running away.

      Though there are no hard numbers, reports would seem to indicate that the number of moms who actually do run away — or at least walk away — is increasing.

      According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of single fathers has been rising steadily, from more than 600,000 in 1982 to more than 2 million in 2011.

      Anecdotally, too, we’re hearing more from mothers who leave their children due to choice or circumstance.

      There’s Rahna Reiko Rizzuto, who wrote in an essay for that she realized, when her sons were 3 and 5 that she didn’t want to be a full-time mother anymore. There are even support groups now for women who decide to leave their children.

      What is happening?

      It’s hard to say, but our increasingly me-first world might have something to do with it. According to a study published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science, clinical narcissism –defined by heightened feelings of entitlement, decreased morality and a dog-eat-dog mentality — has increased by 30% over the past 20 years. Two out of every three people now measure high for the disorder.

      Continue reading “Motherhood Does Not Necessarily Make Women More Mature, Selfless, Responsible, Or Spiritual”

    Older Single Males are Pedophiles says Ask Amy

    Older Single Males are Pedophiles says Ask Amy

    Well, well, well. At least Amy of the “Ask Amy” column is consistent across the genders when it comes to insult.

    Previously, she’s suggested that women over 40 lack sex appeal (read this), and now, she’s agreeing with a mom of two college aged sons that older, single men are perverts who want to fondle and diddle children.

    The letter:

    Married Women Engage in Sexual Sin – and most men in denial particularly Christian conservatives

    Married Women Engage in Sexual Sin – and most men in denial, particularly Christian conservatives

    Yes, married people, wives, engage in sexual sin. Most preachers are in denial about this and prefer to assume sexual sins ensnare UN-married people.

    The following site not only is another example disproving that contention, but also the popular Southern Baptist, Fundamentalist, and evangelical belief that only men want and enjoy sex, while women only want cuddles, to admire rainbows, or to hand-knit pot holders.

    (Link): Why Married Woman Have Affairs