Video: Dating Advice for Single Christian Guys (satire)
At least I’m assuming this is satire. I hope to goodness it’s satire.
(Link to video): 10 Dating Tips For The Christian Man
Video: Dating Advice for Single Christian Guys (satire)
At least I’m assuming this is satire. I hope to goodness it’s satire.
(Link to video): 10 Dating Tips For The Christian Man
Post by Sarah Bessey Re: Churches Ignore Never Married Older and/or Childless Christian Women, Discriminate Against Them In which they are overlooked in a sea of hipsters”
After all my research, I thought I knew what to expect. And sure enough, there were the stories about women feeling marginalized because they are not married or do not/ cannot have children; stories about women who had men turn their backs when they stood up to preach their first sermon; stories about women who stayed in abusive marriages because of their church teachings; a lot of affirming women who found their voice and healing within church.
But one theme emerged that I hadn’t looked for, over and over: Women, in the middle of their lives, who felt invisible and ignored by the church, the same way they feel invisible or ignored in our culture.
These are women of my mother’s generation perhaps, maybe ten or even twenty years on either side. And I heard their hurt and sorrow and stoicism.
..One woman told me about how she had led worship at her church for years. But when a new young pastor was hired, he wanted a cooler band to get more young people, and the first thing to go were the older women. “No one wanted to see old women on stage,” she wrote candidly without bitterness, and so she was replaced with young women in their late teens and early twenties. She misses leading worship.
…Women told me about how hard it is to be middle-aged or to be considered unbeautiful in a church culture which values youth and energy and talent. In a sea of hipsters and motivated young people with self-promotion apparently engrained into their DNA, they feel invisible and over-looked, slow and ignored.
..I asked older women in my life and found the same was true. Once a woman reaches a certain age or if a woman is not considered beautiful or outgoing or charming, she often disappears in the eyes of her community. She still has a rich and meaningful life, don’t get me wrong, but they all said, sadly, that yes, they are well-educated or experienced or wise, and yet, they are never asked, they are never invited, they are rarely noticed.
…It’s an idealist view, a dreamer’s dream, but if there is one place where women of a certain age or women who do not fit the cultural expectations of “beauty” should feel valued and affirmed, celebrated and acknowledged, honoured and even just seen, oh, my goodness, let it be within the Body of Christ!
Conservative Christian Sexist Immature Imbecilic Pressure on Women to Look Pretty and Skinny and to Put Out Sexually
Two posts from Christianty Today:
I’ve written about this situation in several older posts.
Christians, particularly certain types of Christian men – either the old fogies (as in they are in their 60s or older) who are still stuck in a 1950s American sexist mentality; or the younger (as they are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s), skinny- jeans wearing, YRR, Neo Calvinist type preachers and their devotees – keep telling Christian women that their looks really, really matter.
Some of these pastors or Christian television hosts – who are frat boys in grown men’s bodies – will sometimes toss out qualifiers or disclaimers to young girls and women in their sermons or blogs, such as, “But remember your value lies in your identity in Christ,” or some such spiritual-sounding platitude, but, their on-going, slavish obsession with telling women to look hot and sexy, be skinny, and please their husbands in the bedroom (even when they are feeling sick), are truer to how they really think and feel about the female gender.
Sometimes, female gender complementarians buy into this sexist, unbiblical nonsense too, and sell it to other Christian women (see this post: “Gender Complementarian Product for Females: Don’t Base Your Value on Your Looks, but Wait, Yes, You Should”).
I’ve yet to hear a male pastor tell his male audience that they must perform sexually no matter what, whenever their wife wants sex, even if the husband is feeling ill. Yet Christian women are subjected to this nauseating swill and pap on a pretty regular basis, and the preaching of this message seems to have increased in frequency in the last few years.
Other than one male Christian blogger who says that males need to stay in shape as well as ladies, I’ve not seen any Christian males, and certainly not any big name pastors (or even any small potato pastors) instruct the men folk to stay trim, muscular, and get hair plugs for the women in their lives.
Looks matter to women, even to Christian ones. They really do, even to the women who try to sound spiritual on the internet by saying, “Oh gosh, I don’t care what a man looks like, as long as he loves Jesus.” These women are in denial. No woman alive is into flabby, obese guys, and most prefer hair. And teeth. But you won’t hear your preacher say any of this from the pulpit or in blogs or books.
Here is a copy of “Stay Sexy or Else? Well, Please Forgive These Mommy Hips” by Janelle Aijian
Mary DeMuth (Link): recently critiqued the popular “smoking hot wife” line, pointing out that for the many Christian wives recovering from experiences of sexual abuse, this kind of imperative makes the difficult path towards healthy intimacy even harder. For a woman trying to find a way to lower defenses, shake off memories, and find true, godly communion with a spouse, being told to act the part of the sexy wife is 11 steps in the wrong direction.
But the real problem with all this evangelical sex talk is even bigger than that. Any woman trying to live intimately with her husband gets damaged by these sorts of claims, not just those who are recovering from abuse. It’s antithetical to the Christian view of marriage altogether.
As we remind Christian couples to “stay in shape and try new things,” we can play into a broader cultural premise on sex—that it’s all right to leave a spouse once the spark of sexual excitement and attraction has dissipated, that couples who don’t find sex exciting anymore don’t, won’t, or even shouldn’t, stay together. An adventurous sex life becomes the unspoken requirement for lifelong monogamy.
Once that idea gets in a woman’s head, it’s hard to shake it. In the back of her mind, she knows the choice to have children also means changing her body forever. Her shape will become different. The sex will be different. Amid the vulnerability of pregnancy and childbirth, women face the fear of becoming less attractive to their husbands, who are meant to find them sexy for years and years to come if they want their marriage to last.
Continue reading “Conservative Christian Sexist Immature Imbecilic Pressure on Women to Look Pretty and Skinny and to Put Out Sexually”
‘Quitting Church’ Book by Julia Duin – electronic version now available
Thank you to regular blog reader John M. for alerting me to the fact that a new version of “Quitting Church” by Julia Duin is now available, on Barnes and Noble and Amazon.
I’m also amazed I have any regular readers at all. There’s one lady who faves a lot of my posts on this blog, another lady who comments once in a while, and a guy who faves my stuff every so often. Thank you all.
As a reminder, my blog may turn you all off. I’m stuck somewhere between being a Christian at a very minimal basis and being an agnostic. I also find myself cussing more lately when I get angry, which shows up in my posts on occasion. That kind of stuff may be a turn off for people who are still die hard, conservative, devout Christians. Anyway.
About Duin’s new Quitting Church book: at this point, it looks like there is no hard copy version available, only electronic.
At least, I’m assuming this is a second edition/ updated version, and not just an electronic version of the first edition? I’m not clear on that, and the sites selling copies don’t really spell it out.
I think the church situation has gone even more downhill since Duin released the original version of the book.
Seriously. Just spend time on blogs by ex Christians, Christians who quit church due to spiritual abuse or their kids were molested by pastors and Sunday School teachers. Then, you have Christians mature in the faith who are sick of the “seeker friendly” model, whose preachers remain stuck on “Christianity 101.”
Video about Family Focused Churches and how not to alienate singles or the childless
Video on You Tube, discussion about how singles are ignored by Family- and- children- obsessed churches around the 34:12, 35:14 mark (link below, video embedded in post farther down this page):
If you watch this video you will have to sit through a long conversation about Facebook annoyances, Pat Roberton’s lousy attitudes about orphans before they begin discussing singles in the church.
Unfortunately, one of the guys in the video favorably quotes Mark Driscoll (who is sexist and perverted-see my previous posts mentioning Driscoll), but other than that, it’s an okay video – not stellar, but okay.
To the dude in the video who says singles assume that nobody will like them, especially not married couples, so they isolate and stay away from every one – wrong. Singles, when they do try to reach out in friendship to married Christian couples, often get rebuffed by the married!
Married Christian women also rebuff single Christian ladies, because they fear we single women want to sleep with their husbands. The husbands, being conceited asses, as most men usually are, assume single Christian women want to hump them, even if we don’t.
The moment a married chick with kids finds out I have never been married/had kids, often they get this look of revulsion or disgust on their face, or their face takes on a a look of utter confusion.
The majority of married women have NO CLUE how to relate to a never-married, childfree Christian woman who is over 30 years old.
Most Christian women (and some Christian men) think you are weird, abnormal, a pedophile, or messed up if you’ve never married or had a kid.
And it’s not just me, if you read testimonies by other single Christian women in blogs and books,they recount the same problem: married people who treat them like lepers or wackos the moment they find out the woman is not married and has no kids.
Such Christians will walk off the moment they find out you are single/no kids, after you have introduced yourself to them at church. I can’t compensate for that, video dude. I cannot force church people to befriend me when they think I am weird and choose to walk off and leave me after we exchange pleasantries.
BTW, I do not like children. So I have zippo interest in hanging out with other people’s kids.
Here’s the video. Video on You Tube, discussion about how singles are ignored by Family- and- children- obsessed churches around the 34:12, 35:14 mark:
Advocate of Family Values Doesn’t Uphold Family Values (Re Pat Robertson)
Why do people write Robertson for advice, espeically women?
Robertson is currently an 82 or 83 year old “gender complementarian” who has very definite views about the roles men and women are to play, ones which are rooted in a faulty understanding of certain biblical passages and stuck in 1950s American culture. If you are a woman and write to him with a question, he will usually take the husband’s side.
Women of America: stop writing Robertson questions! Stop asking him questions via the “Bring It On” online section of his “700 Club” site. Stop it. He doesn’t have anything valuable or sensitive to say about most life situations.
Pat Robertson promotes himself as being all about “family values.” But he doesn’t uphold family values in his private life, and he doesn’t support them when answering viewer questions to his television show.
I am using Robertson as an example, because there are already so many videos online of him and his sexist, anti-family values to point to, but he is by no means the only Christian champion of “family values” I’ve seen who is a hypocrite on the issues of marriage, divorce, spousal abuse, etc.
At one time, Robertson was a Southern Baptist preacher. That is also alarming, because SBC (Southern Baptist Churches/ Convention) promotes itself as being all about family values and traditional values.
Hell, I live out family values more often and more consistently than most SBC guys or Robertson, and I’ve never married, I’m a woman, never had a kid, never had sex outside of marriage, and I’m borderline agnostic these days.
I’m not having sex outside marriage, I’m not telling married men it’s okay for them to cheat on their wife, I’m not advocating that people divorce their sick spouse, etc.
Pat Robertson had pre-marital sex. His first son was born out of wedlock. However, Robertson periodically has “anti porn,” and “anti- sexually explicit material brought in to or taught to college kids” spokespersons on his 700 Club show.
Here is a guy lecturing the rest of us to keep our skirts down and legs crossed, but he’s engaged in sexual immorality himself.
Here are some links about Robertson’s pre-marital fornication and resultant illegitimate son:
(Link): Pat Robertson Lashes Accusers
Dede Robertson said the public revelation surrounding her son’s conception stung at first, but added, “The freedom that I’m feeling and the prayers that I’m feeling have lifted me up.”
On to the next Robertson anti-family, anti- traditional marriage, anti- traditional values gaffe.
Contrary to what most Christians assume, Christ and the Bible does NOT teach that divorce is acceptable only in cases of
1. atheist spouse
(Don’t believe me about what the Bible says about divorce that it’s permissible in situations other than atheist spouse/adultery? (Link): Read this)
However, that does not mean that the Bible sanctions, or that it’s ethically okay, for a husband to divorce a spouse because the spouse is sick, yet that is precisely what Robertson advocated.
(Link to You Tube video): Televangelist Pat Robertson Condones Divorcing a Spouse With Alzheimers Disease
(Link): Divorce Wife With Alzheimer’s – Pat Robertson (hosted by Young Turks on You Tube)
Robertson claims to be “pro marriage,” but here he is taking a low view of marriage by telling husbands it’s okay to dump a sick spouse and divorce her. How is advocating the dissolution of a family over such an invalid reason “pro-marriage,” or “pro-family values”? It’s not. Yet Robertson has the nerve to keep passing himself off as a “family values” supporter.
The Bible is egalitarian in gender roles, not gender complementarian (as taught by CBMW), nor does the Bible teach that women cannot be preachers, leaders, or that they are to submit to a husband as though the husband were an authority figure. ((Link):Source)
The Bible does not condone or excuse husbands beating up their wives, but Pat Robertson gets into heresy on all this, and seems just fine with men beating their wives, and tries to make a joke out of it (see video clip below, linked).
Robertson also disturbingly compares a grown wife to little girls who rebels in one video segment; adult wives are not little girls.
Also bear in mind we don’t have the wife’s perspective of the marriage in all this, we only have the view of the disgruntled husband who wrote to Robertson for advice:
(Link – video on You Tube): Pat Robertson Tells Man to Beat his Wife, Move to Saudi Arabia
More un-biblical, anti family values comments and views from Robertson:
The Bible says that Christians are supposed to care for widows and orphans, but Robertson is anti-family values on this issue as well-
See my previous posts:
My follow up post to that one:
Here are some more links about Pat Roberton’s fornication:
(Link): Wild Oats Robertson Rewrites His Resume (TIME, 1987)
Press accounts disclosed that Robertson’s first child had been conceived out of wedlock and that the former minister had misstated his wedding date to conceal the fact.
Robertson, who has condemned sex before marriage, said he had merely tried to “protect his family” in previously suggesting that he had been married in March 1954 rather than on Aug. 27.
Robertson’s first son was born ten weeks after the wedding. Robertson said that he and his wife Dede considered March 22, 1954 — the…
Keeping Tabs on Church Quitters
Some people on some sites find the desire by some pastors, or Christians in church staff positions, to do follow-ups with those who have quit their churches un-nerving.
The specific types of churches these folks are concerned about are spiritually abusive and authoritarian.
Here are some examples of people from churches that are considered to be authoritarian, who apparently want to stalk former members:
I do think quotes in #1 are troubling – the guy who wrote it, Bobby Jamieson, has distorted certain Bible verses to uphold his view that churches can “force” a member to stay, which he denies is the view he is pushing, but which his other comments negate.
Whether or not a Christian attends a local body of believers in a brick building or not, he or she is still a “member of the body of Christ.”
One becomes a member of the body by professing and accepting Jesus as Savior, not by attending a weekly church service. But the guy who wrote #1 is saying the opposite.
One of the kookiest, creepiest comments this guy makes is this:
Churches and preachers do not have a right or a duty to “oversee the lives” of their members. He is grossly overstepping his bounds as a pastor (or staffer, whatever his church role is), or is attributing qualities to a church that the Bible never gives them, if he thinks in these terms.
It is the Holy Spirit’s duty to lead and guide each believer, not a man’s, not a church’s.
Christ said believers are not to “lord authority” over one another or live in a hierarchy where they exercise control over each other, but that is precisely what this guy, Bobby Jamieson, is advocating churches or preachers do.
And where this guy quotes Hebrews 10:24–25 (“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”), I’m sorry, but no.
Notice the verse is not written as a command, as in “Thus saith the Lord, you shall meet weekly with other believers,” but rather it is merely saying it is beneficial for believers to meet. They would be wise to lean on other believers, not that they absolutely have to do so.
I’ve never understood that verse (Heb. 10:24,25) to be an imperative that Christians must attend a weekly meeting of body of believers, and if they do not, they are in sin. The author (Jamieson) is trying to make a command out of something that is not a command.
Sex, Dating, and Relationships: The Dating Friendships Alternative (review by CP about a book by by Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas)
They’re hyping another book filled with Christian advice about sex and dating.
I stopped paying credence to dating advice books, sites, columns, and magazine articles eons ago, not that I was ever a fan to start with. Such material is a huge waste of time.
If you read the article about the book, the authors hold the view that most Christians are horny horn dogs who have fornicated all over the place. I didn’t see any acknowledgement that there are Christians remain virgins past the age of 30.
On the plus side, the review/ad of this book on CP says that the authors of the new book about sex and dating are not encouraging “courtship” or “kissing dating goodbye” strategies, which is a good thing, because such teachings are one reason Christian singles remain single.
See, most Christian dating advice (such as “kiss dating goodbye”) tells men to stay away from women because Christian single women are big whores who will have sex with them on a first date, and no man can resist sexual temptation. So a lot of Christian single men (and women) accept this screwball teaching and avoid each other.
Now, when single men and single women avoid each other so as to avoid fornication, they can’t chat, get to know one another, fall in love, and ergo, they do not marry. (please click the “read more” link below to read the rest of this post)
Hyper Sola Scriptura
I have briefly discussed this topic on older posts (such as a post about NDEs). If one is going to be a Christian, then yes, one needs to embrace sola scriptura.
I am down with sola scriptura. When some people drift from sola scriptura, they come up with some bizarre, false teachings.
However, some Christians, particularly Neo Calvinists, take sola scriptura to an extreme, to discount any sort of supernatural or spiritual experience or knowledge that a Christian did not get directly from the Bible – which is, ironically, an unbiblical view point on their part (they claim to be so very biblical), because, for example, Christ promised that His followers would do greater things than He, such as raise the dead and so forth.
I don’t always agree with blogger Rachel Held Evans on every topic, but this is one view I do share with her; here’s a post to her site about this topic:
The Bible does promise the Holy Spirit to every believer, and the Holy Spirit is said to speak to believers in a “still, small voice.” The Bible itself witnesses that God will and can speak to believers in other ways, and not just in the Bible alone.
I don’t see any support, and not even in 2 Timothy 3:16, that indicates that God will not use any other means other than the Bible to communicate to believers.
Obviously, if someone claims to be a Christian and that person claims God spoke to them, then their so-called revelation needs to be compared and measured against the Bible, and if it runs contrary to the Bible, it must not be from God. But to completely discount any and all methods outside the written word is a mistake.
There is even a portion of the New Testament, in Romans, that says God reveals Himself via nature.
When I was younger, and on one occasion, under the age of ten, and in a time of minor crisis after I prayed for help, God spoke to me directly (and I didn’t have a Bible near-by to turn to, even had I wanted). I’m not going to go into detail about the specific incident, but God did speak to me, inwardly (not in an audible voice), and what God spoke to me did not run counter to any teaching in the Bible. The point being I know for a fact God does speak to people, and not only in or from the published book we call The Bible, because He spoke to me once.
I just get so tired of ultra conservative Christians, and the Neo Calvinists, who laugh at, mock, and ridicule any one and every one who says they heard from God in some way. Their arrogance in this area is appalling.
Anyway, I encourage you to read the blog post at RH Evans’ site about the topic.
Pat Robertson to married woman: All men are cheaters, but that’s okay because they’re men
Other sites carrying the same video:
Here’s the video (at least I think it’s the same thing I saw the other day):
How churches can play role in dating, marriage
Southern Baptists and other Christian groups can learn something from the page I’m linking to below.
Married Christians complain that Christian singles are remaining single, but they do nothing to help us singles get hitched.
We singles are not deliberately choosing to remain single – we are single because we cannot meet eligible bachelors. It’s left totally up to us to find a partner, and let me tell you, after you leave college, meeting single people in your age range becomes incredibly difficult.
Some Christian singles don’t like dating sites, have had no success with them, or can’t afford using them. So the church needs to step up to the plate and give Christian singles opportunities to meet and mingle, and Sunday School don’t cut it.
By the way, it’s incredibly stupid and counter-productive to segregate Sunday school by gender, as many Baptist churches do. To get a man and a woman married, they have to meet together in the SAME ROOM. Placing the woman in one room and the man in another will keep both single.
There are some singles who object to churches being used as meeting places for singles, but where the hell else should you expect to meet a potential mate, a bar? A night club? And again, dating sites such as “match.com” and “eHarmony” doesn’t work for some of us.
If the church wants to see more singles marry other Christians, the married ones need to start playing match-maker, introduce their single lady friends to the single guys, churches need to put on more social events for singles, etc.
This comes from a page by United Methodists.
Opportunities to meet
The United Methodist Church also offers singles a variety of ministries where they might discover their future sweethearts.
Among those who responded to the UMNS Facebook question were people who met their spouses at United Methodist youth gatherings, campus ministries, seminaries and even annual conference sessions.
…Emily Walter met her future husband, Jeremy, 13 years ago on the front steps of First UMC in Conway, Ark.
They were introduced by a mutual friend who had invited Jeremy to church. Emily knew that friend through the Ozark Mission Project, a United Methodist ministry in Arkansas that connects church youth groups with short-term mission projects.
Stigmas and Stereotypes of Single Unmarried Men Over 25 or 30 Years of Age – They’re Supposedly All Homosexual or Pedophiles
The reason I put “unmarried” next to the word “single” in my blog headline: I know it’s redundant, but Google seems to index my blog via the subject headings, so in case someone is looking for “unmarried” as opposed to “single,” they will still find this post.
Now, I’m not going to address the “mature single men = homosexual” stereotype in depth here. I bring it up in passing simply to say it exists, even among Christians (oh… so Jesus Christ, who never married by age 33, must have been homosexual, gotcha!), and to say I’ve seen some single older Christian men say on singles Christian forums say they find it a very offensive or painful stereotype. Obviously, not all single men past 25 / 30 are homosexual.
Many unmarried men over the age of 30 are hetero (some are perhaps asexual), and for whatever reason (they don’t want marriage; or cannot find a good single woman to marry; or who knows what their reasons are), but they are not homosexual.
The other stereotype I wanted to mention is the one brought up on occasion that older, single guys are child molesters or pedophiles.
I found a really great article about a month ago that quoted studies that said there are more married men who are pedophiles than singles. Unfortunately, I cannot find that article. I have found one or two other sources that carry the same information, and I will link to those below.
Some of this, of course, also feeds into conservative Christian, Baptist, and evangelical beliefs that married people are more holy, sexually pure, and mature, and above suspicion than older singles, which is a bunch of crap (see (Link): these posts for examples of married men who rape women, beat them up, have pornography addictions, etc, or (Link): these posts for examples.)
The BTK serial killer, Dennis Rader, who mutilated and killed many women, was a faithful attender at his church for years (I think he was also a deacon or elder at his church?) and was a married man. You can (Link): read more about Rader on Wiki.
Older married man Jerry Sandusky, college football coach, was arrested for fondling and raping many male children – and Sandusky was married during all this. ((Link): View Sandusky’s Wiki page)
Here is a series of links to pages that mention studies have shown that most pedophiles, among hetero offenders, are MARRIED MEN, men who are married to women (and some have children by their wives):
Excerpts from that page:
Most Pedophiles are mild mannered and average-looking men. They are frequently described as “just the nicest man you ever met.”
Active Pedophiles are generally single men between the ages of 16 and 35. Child molesters are generally married men, of any age, who are primarily drawn to their own children and step-children.
Southern Baptist Theological Seminary Leader Al Mohler Makes Tacky, Crass Sex Joke on Twitter
Mohler’s tweet (and remember, this is a man who sits around admonishing and condemning other people about their sexuality, sexual purity, or sex lives, or their martial status – he’s also a Neo Calvinist, if I am not mistaken):
Mohler also has unbiblical views about procreation (see also: (Link): my previous post about Christian couples who choose to remain childless or who are infertile):
Cultural Discrimination Against Childless and Childfree Women – and link to an editorial by a Childless Woman / A few things you shouldn’t say to a childless woman, by Wendy Squires
Before I include the editorial, I’d like to remind anyone who reads this that I am a conservative.
One of the most irritating things I have seen on politically conservative blogs is that any time the blog owner runs a link to an editorial like this one, one about childless women, immediately, 99% of the conservative readers assume that the childless woman is a secular feminist who hates men, family, and traditional morals. Some probably harbor a secret feeling that all women who are not crazy about babies sacrifice them to Satan, so strong is their hatred and odd-ball suspicion of women who do not marry and have children.
It does not seemingly occur to these idiots – some of whom again are my fellow conservatives – that sometimes conservative men and women (such as me) do not have children, and will never have children, because we are sterile, barren, infertile, are not married and don’t wish to conceive outside of wedlock, or are just are not interested in being mommies and daddies.
That is, there is no sinister motive or evil reason why conservatives and Christians do not have children. There is no sinister reason for why we are not interested in having children. There is no hidden agenda. But many conservatives and some Christians assume there must be an evil agenda or some perverted reason why other people don’t want kids.
Yes, it is possible to be Christian, conservative, Republican, pro- life, pro- traditional values, pro- family and not have children, or have no interest in having kids.
It is simply not true that all childless or childfree people support abortion or are liberal, democrat, or atheist, or hate children.
But you should see the amount of automatic hatred and vitriol that spills out of conservative people’s keyboards when commenting on childfree/childless testimonies. These types of conservatives are just as narrow minded and hate-filled as the liberals and secular feminists they claim to disagree with.
One common insult by conservatives I see tossed at childless women who write these editorials about the discrimination they face as being childless is that they are “bitter.”
Sure, sometimes childless or childfree women sound angry (but even if they sound friendly because they are in fact friendly and content, it doesn’t stop critics from calling them “bitter” anyhow), but the reason they sometimes sound angry (bitter) is not from the state of being childless, but because they are damn sick and tired of being continually insulted directly or indirectly by our child-crazy culture that assumes a woman is flawed, selfish, or strange if she does not have children, or is not interested in having any.
There is nothing wrong with choosing to forgo motherhood. A woman’s worth is not wrapped up in pro-creating.
Here is a link to the editorial along with most of its content:
Not all women can have babies or want to have babies
There are two words for the woman who reached over the table, grabbed my hand and in a consolatory tone announced, “It’s a tragedy you never got around to having children. It’s the most wonderful thing a woman can do.”
Those words are “shut” and “up” (the printable response) or, more charitably, “think” and “first”. Because it doesn’t take Freud to work out this statement was patronising, assumptive and just plain insensitive.
The would-be Buddhist in me told me these were her issues. This woman was jealous that I exist happily without children. The thought of a life without being a mother is too dark for her to contemplate. She couldn’t cope without ticking that box and believes I should feel the same. She was projecting her own issues on me, transferring her pain.
But I still wanted to thump her. Hard. Not just for me, but for all childless women. I’m talking about sisters on IVF; the ones who can’t carry to term; those who’ve suffered stillbirth or the loss of a child; the infertile; those with infertile partners; the ones hoping and waiting on a committed relationship; the ambivalent; the never intended to and don’t feel the need to justify the fact.
Most of the childless women I know do find peace with their circumstances, even if it takes some time. Until, that is, someone comes along and demands their curiosity itch be scratched as to why no kids or, worse, declares you emotionally or spiritually unfulfilled with uncalled for comments such as the one I endured.
Talk Show Hosts Who Talk About Themselves
I watched James Robison interview Dr. Ben Carson.
Robison’s “Life Today” show is 30 minutes long, but really only about 15 – 20 minutes when you consider he devotes that last 10 to 15 of every episode asking for donations to build water wells in Africa.
Robison is guilty of a habit I’ve seen other hosts fall into: he will invite a guest on his show to presumably talk about the guest, but he winds up talking about HIMSELF while the guest sits there mute for 90% of the time he’s on.
Why would you bother having guests on your show if you won’t let them talk, or ask them questions about them?
Robison again used this guest as a spring board to discuss his favorite topic: himself, especially his early years. He never misses an opportunity to tell viewers his mom was raped at age 40/41, got pregnant with him, he grew up in poverty without a father.
I would hope that talk show hosts understand if they have a guest on, they should let their guest do most of the talking. But this was another episode where we heard less from the guest and more from the host.
Pat Robertson Expects Men to Commit Sexual Sin (and it’s not the first time)
Pat Robertson, evangelical host of the television show “The 700 Club,” was answering a viewer question about adultery on today’s (May 15, 2013) program, in the segment of the show called “Bring It On.”
The woman said her husband had an affair, and she was trying to forgive him but couldn’t move past it.
Robertson’s answer to this viewer is similar to previous ones he’s given, where he rationalizes and excuses the male’s sinful actions, and he continues to imply that men just can’t help it, gosh dang it, because males are wired to see a hot woman and get worked up over it, and they cannot resist.
Contra to Pat Robertson the Bible says something about the Holy Spirit giving each believer a measure of self-control, and in other New Testament passages, Paul talks about sexual behavior as though it is something that can be controlled by each believer; the Bible does not speak of sex as something that is beyond a person’s control or ability to avoid.
In his response to the married lady’s letter today, Robertson said (I am typing this from memory – though the first comment is a word- for- word quote of his; the rest are accurate paraphrases of his comments):
Robertson has taken a similar position in the past, when women write in to ask him why their husband is an alcoholic; a cheater; or what have you.
Robertson’s response is to blame the woman. In some situations, and despite not having a photo of the wife, and despite the letter writer not mentioning the appearance of the wife, Robertson assumes the wife is ugly and fat, and tells her men like pretty ladies, so the wife needs to lose weight and dress nice, that if only the wife would be skinny, pretty and non argumentative, she would not give her a husband a reason to be unfaithful, get drunk, or whatever.
I find it jaw dropping, very sexist, and incredible that Robertson keeps being so sexist.
A man is responsible for his own actions. It doesn’t matter if his wife is 800 pounds and toothless; that still would not give him a right to seek out a 25 year old 120 pound fashion model to start up a fling.
If you think about it, some of Robertson’s views are sexist against men.
I’d like to think at least some men on the planet are not so prone to, or easy to, caving in to sexual temptation, mistreating their wives or committing adultery, but he suggests men are helpless against their lusts or hormones, and a woman should just accept this as a fact of life.
By the way, this gets back to one theme I have been hammering away at on this blog for over a year:
One reason that there is so much sexual sin among Christians is that there is NO EXPECTATION THAT CHRISTIANS CAN OR WILL CONTROL SEXUAL BEHAVIOR.
It is continually ASSUMED and put forth by pastors, Christian authors on dating books, Christian blogs about dating, and by average lay persons, that sex is something that cannot be resisted or lived without.
Robertson’s quotes to his viewers that I have highlighted in this post is an example of what I mean. He is not the only one, however. I see other Christians, “every day Joe’s” around the web, who make similar comments: they feel they cannot live “X” number of days or months without sex.
Pastor Mark Driscoll of “Mars Hill” church frequently makes the same assumption in his speeches, blogs, or books about sex, dating, marriage: because he cannot picture himself living without sex for more than 3, 4 days in a row, he cannot conceive of any Christian being able to go long without sex.
And of course Driscoll is not the only one. If you look around the web long enough, on sites containing blogs by Christian pastors, or listen to their sermons on You Tube, or watch Christian talking heads on “TBN,” these assumptions come up over and over and over again.
As long as Christians keep buying into the secular premise that sex is a biological necessity that cannot be resisted, and preachers do not have an attitude of EXPECTATION that Christians can and will refrain from sex, we will keep seeing Christians, both married and single, committing sexual sin.
Update: Here’s the video (at least I think it’s the same thing I saw the other day):
Same video segment hosted here:
Glad I’m Not Married – ‘Help! My Husband Caught Me Cheating and Now Wants an Open Marriage.’
This is also another example of married couples who are engaging in sexual sin. That’s right, the old trope about all un-marrieds being sleazy, randy, horn dogs who hump everything in sight isn’t true. Some married couples are into that. Here’s another example.
From Dear Prudence:
Q. Husband Wants an Open Marriage: A few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame. He moved out and initiated divorce proceedings, but in the time since, I was able to convince him that I am truly repentant and to give our marriage another chance for the sake of our children.
The problem I have now is that he says that if we are to stay married, he wants it to be an open marriage.
I’ve tried to tell him that I’ve gotten that out of my system and I don’t want to be with anybody other than him, but he says there just isn’t any way he can ever trust me again, he doesn’t feel an obligation to be faithful to me anymore, and at least this way we’re being honest about it.
Prudie, it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman. I just want things to go back to how they used to be. How can I convince him that we need to be completely committed to each other in order for this to work?
No, Christians and Churches Do Not Idolize Virginity or Sexual Purity or Modesty
When doing a search for the phrase “does Christianity idolize motherhood,” several post headings by more liberal Christians, or secular critics, or emergents, popped up with the heading, “Do Christians Idolize Virginity.”
I looked over several of these pages.
The consensus by most of these bloggers and other writers is that yes, Christianity idolizes virginity, especially for women.
No, no, I’m afraid Christian culture does not idolize virginity, not for males or females. Far from it.
Conservative Christians pay a lot of lip service to celibacy and sexual purity, but most, including famous preachers, don’t live it out (look how many get caught having affairs and so forth; (Link): (see examples, or see this link for further examples) and do nothing to assist or encourage any Christian virgin past the age of 30.
I made this post so that anyone doing a search for “Do Christians idolize virginity” would find this, so I can direct you to my previous post on this blog -please see the following post:
I’m a Christian virgin at age 40+ (I had hoped to be married by my mid 30s; staying single this long was not a choice) and Christian literature and many churches actually treats me, and those like me, as a freak, as a failure, and we older virgins don’t feel welcome in churches, because most of them worship marriage and family. Just visit my blog post linked above to read more.
The flip side of all this, is that some churches are paranoid about sexual sin and end up teaching younger -and even older- Christians to fear the opposite sex, to avoid any possibility of fornication, which means, Christians don’t date each other and eventually marry. I have written posts about that, too – see the categories off to the right of the blog page, “how Christians are keeping Christian singles single,” and “Christian teachings about dating.”
But, contrary to Rachel Held Evans, other emergents, liberals, and anyone antagonistic towards Christianity, there is really no idolization of sexual purity and virginity going on in Christian circles, not in most mainline, normal Christian denominations: the opposite is true; most preachers and denominations expect you will eventually fornicate, and they also preach an “easy forgivism” of sexual sin.
Remember, I said ‘normal’ and ‘mainline.’ I realize there are a few small, aberrant groups that claim Christianity who do go crazy with legalism over virginity and sexual purity. I’m not talking about those kook, hyper legalistic, fringe groups, but rather, the more common, run of the mill, conservative evangelical, Southern Baptist, and fundamentalist groups and churches.
See my previous post for more on this topic:
★ (Link): The Contemporary Church Undervalues Celibacy / Virginity
Related posts, this blog:
(Emergents, Sexual Abuse Victims, some Feminists, and Liberals attacking sexual purity teachings and virgin until marriage teachings mentioned in the following post):
(Link): Douglas Wilson and Christian Response FAIL to Sexual Sin – No Body Can Resist Sex – supposedly – Re: Celibacy
When Adult Virginity and Adult Celibacy Are Viewed As Inconvenient or As Impediments
I’ve been meaning on writing about this topic for some time, but it’s not one I want to spend a lot of time on.
A recent visitor comment at the blog reminded me of it. Here’s the comment, from a previous thread:
Most churches probably are bored with the “average Jane” stories [testimonies]. But I think the real reason we [mature Christian celibates] are silenced is because we would make too many people look . . . bad.
We are an embarrassment to them and would make most church parents uncomfortable if we spoke about virginity or saving sex until marriage.
How many of them waited? Several fathers over the years have asked me “John, what am I going to tell my children?” My answer is always “the truth.”
// end quote
Certainly there is a problem in Christian circles among hetero-sexuals and fornication, but I have seen this attitude in comment sections on Christian blogs that it’s cruel, as the Christian faith does, to ask those with same-sex attraction to remain celibate over their lives.
I do not understand this view point at all, since the Bible also tells hetero-sexuals to refrain from sex outside of marriage.
I have arrived at my early 40s and have never had sex because I have never married. And I am hetero with a normal libido. I may never marry.
Why would any Christian want to argue that homosexuals get a special exemption from the “no sex outside of marriage” biblical dictate? (And yes, the Bible teaches this, no matter how much feminists, ex-Christians, or egalitarian, liberal Christian women who hate purity teachings want to admit.)
I have actually seen self professing Christians on blogs say,
“Oh wow, I’m a married man, but I don’t know, if I were homosexual, could I live my whole life celibate? I don’t think so. I’m afraid that’s asking too much of any man. Maybe the church should back off on this.”
// end quote
Oh. I see. Homosexual men and homosexual women get a special pass concerning fornication, but hetero-sexual singles such as myself have to continue to buck it up and deal? Sorry but no. No double standards.
Because lifelong celibacy is viewed as an impossiblity (it is not; living proof right here), or as too hard (no, it’s not always easy, that is true, but it can be done), some people think homosexuals should be allowed to go to it (and some think heteros should be allowed to go to it, too).
College Students Discuss Dissatisfaction with “Hookup Culture” [Casual Sex, Fornication, Pre Marital Sex]
I just (Link): did a post the other day by a secular source that published commentary by a Christian (or former Christian) gal who said she was sorely misled by Christian sexual purity teachings.
Isn’t it interesting, though, that the secular “anything goes when it comes to sex” culture also produces young people -or adults- who are dissatisfied with sex? Because it does. See article below.
Read the article here:
Princeton University freshman Christian Say admits he likes to swim against the tide. He is one of many students pushing back against pressure to have sex before marriage.
“We don’t think the assumption should be that students are just going to be hooking up and having sex because there are people who think that is just not what leads to a good human life,” Say told CBN News in a recent interview near the school’s campus.
College professor and author Donna Freitas writes about that “hookup culture,” naming three characteristics to describe it.
…”There is an understanding with a lot of people in the hookup culture that there is this sort of emptiness to it,” Say told CBN News.
..”To hear so many students, either really unhappy or incredibly ambivalent [about] their sexual experiences in college is depressing to me,” Freitas said.
Freitas surveyed more than 2,000 college students across the country. Forty-one percent of those students used words like “regretful,” “miserable,” “disgusted,” “ashamed,” “duped” and “abused” to describe their hookup experience. Twenty-three percent of them expressed ambivalence.
From that study, the author concluded many of the students felt alone and unsure of how to change the culture.
Freitas said, “In a lot of ways, starting is the hardest part because that requires some courage. The biggest hurdle to that is you have got all these students on campus who will say ‘I am the only one who feels this way, but everyone else is over here, and I am all alone over here.’ But you have so many students who are saying that, so a part of me wants to say ‘Listen, you are just like this other person. You should tell the world you feel that way and you are going to find all these friends.'”