Never Married Over 35: You don’t need to be fixed

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Below is a link to an editorial (“Sometimes It’s Not You”) by a woman who did not get married until after the age of 35.

When she was single, she spent years beating herself up about it, wondering what was wrong with her.

She tried to be very happy as a single person and find peace and fulfillment.

She even had to field questions or comments from the few men she did date, who, once they found out about her never-married status and spotty dating history (that she never had many boyfriends), would ask her rude questions or make offensive assumptions about her.

Some of the men she dated, after finding out she did not have much experience with romance, actually had the nerve ask her, “What is wrong with you?”

Along the way, she talked to friends and relationship experts, all of whom gave her advice, most of which assumed there was something wrong with her that needed to be fixed.

Before getting married, she got tons of ridiculous, stupid, or weird advice from various people on how to nab a spouse, from ‘grow your hair out longer,’ to ‘take more bubble baths.’

She ends the editorial by saying she finally found Mr. Right, and mentions there was never anything wrong with her the whole time she was single, it was just a matter of not having found the right guy yet.

Sometimes, It’s Not You

By SARA ECKEL

….But still I didn’t answer [when my new boyfriend asked why I was 39 years old and had not had many dates or boyfriends].

I didn’t want him to know the truth: that I was 39 and hadn’t had a serious boyfriend in eight years. I had seen men balk at this information before — even when the numbers were lower.

They would look at me in a cool and curious way, as if I were a restaurant with too few customers, a house that had been listed for too long. One man actually said it: “What’s wrong with you?”

…“I don’t know,” I had answered.

“But you’re attractive?” he said, as if he wasn’t sure anymore.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I said. “I don’t know why.”

Continue reading “Never Married Over 35: You don’t need to be fixed”

Singles, Never Married People Endure Bias, Marrieds Get Favored Treatment

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In a Married World, Singles Struggle for Attention

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Here’s a September celebration you probably didn’t know about: It’s National Single and Unmarried Americans Week.

But maybe celebration isn’t the right word. Social scientists and researchers say the plight of the American single person is cause for growing concern.

About 100 million Americans, nearly half of all adults, are unmarried, according to the Census Bureau — yet they tend to be overlooked by policies that favor married couples, from family-leave laws to lower insurance rates.

That national bias is one reason gay people fight for the right to marry, but now some researchers are concerned that the marriage equality movement is leaving single people behind.

“There is this push for marriage in the straight community and in the gay community, essentially assuming that if you don’t get married there is something wrong with you,” says Naomi Gerstel, a sociologist at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst who has published a number of papers comparing the married and unmarried.

“But a huge proportion of the population is unmarried, and the single population is only going to grow. At the same time, all the movement nationally is to offer benefits to those who are married, and that leaves single people dry.”

Yet as she and other experts note, single people often contribute more to the community — because once people marry, they tend to put their energy and focus into their partners and their own families at the expense of friendships, community ties and extended families.

In a report released this week by the Council on Contemporary Families, Dr. Gerstel notes that while 68 percent of married women offer practical or routine help to their parents, 84 percent of the never-married do. Just 38 percent of married men help their parents, compared with 67 percent of never-married men. Even singles who have children are more likely than married people to contribute outside their immediate family.

“It’s the unmarried, with or without kids, who are more likely to take care of other people,” Dr. Gerstel said. “It’s not having children that isolates people. It’s marriage.”

The unmarried also tend to be more connected with siblings, nieces and nephews. And while married people have high rates of volunteerism when it comes to taking part in their children’s activities, unmarried people often are more connected to the community as a whole.

About 1 in 5 unmarried people take part in volunteer work like teaching, coaching other people’s children, raising money for charities and distributing or serving food.

Unmarried people are more likely to visit with neighbors. And never-married women are more likely than married women to sign petitions and go to political gatherings, according to Dr. Gerstel.

The demographics of unmarried people are constantly changing, and more Americans are spending a greater percentage of their lives unmarried than married.

While some people never marry, other adults now counted as single are simply delaying marriage longer than people of their parents’ generation did. And many people are single because of divorce or the death of a spouse. About one-sixth of all unmarried adults are 65 and older; nearly one-eighth of unmarried people are parents.

The pressure to marry is particularly strong for women. A 2009 study by researchers at the University of Missouri and Texas Tech University carried the title “I’m a Loser, I’m Not Married, Let’s Just All Look at Me.” The researchers conducted 32 interviews with middle-class women in their 30s who felt stigmatized by the fact that they had never married.

“These were very successful women in their careers and their lives, yet almost all of them felt bad about not being married, like they were letting someone down,” said Lawrence Ganong, a chairman of human development and family studies at the University of Missouri.

“If a person is happy being single,” he said, “then we should support that as well.”

Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, has a term for discrimination against single people, which she calls one of the last accepted prejudices. It is the title of her new book, “Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters and How to Stop It.”

Continue reading “Singles, Never Married People Endure Bias, Marrieds Get Favored Treatment”

Beware of TBN’s Valerie Saxion (Parasite Lady)

‘Parasite Lady’ may be preying on Christian TV viewers by Bud Kennedy


Excerpts:

On Christian TV, author Valerie Saxion of Keller made her fame selling pills and herbal supplements as “Dr. Val,” the “Parasite Lady.”

But state attorneys are worried that she might be preying on viewers.

Attorney General Greg Abbott’s lawyers are suing Saxion in Tarrant County district court, asking a judge to stop “Dr. Val” from claiming that her supplements are any kind of cure-all or from calling herself a doctor.

According to the lawsuit, state health investigators found that Saxion, author of the 2003 bestseller How to Feel Great All the Time, claimed that her supplements inhibit cancer growth, lower blood pressure and cure insomnia, among a list of more than 40 medical claims that the state describes as unproven.

Saxion calls herself “Dr. Valerie Saxion N.D.” But her “doctorate in naturopathy” is from a notorious, unaccredited distance-learning school in Alabama.

…Her books mix dietary and nutrition advice with large doses of Christian faith. According to her website, her current TV show Alternative Health runs weekdays on several Christian networks, including televangelist Paul Crouch’s Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Bayless Conley and Depression – Sorry, dude, but depression can’t be cured by will power & sometimes not even by faith

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I’m sure Bayless Conley, a pastor who has a weekly TV show, means well. (I’ve written about him once before at this blog).

However, in today’s show, Conley was essentially making it sound as though if one wants to conquer clinical depression, one can do it by force of will, by thinking happy, sunny thoughts, and by having enough faith.

I’m not sure how much of a WoFer – Word of Faith (Wealth and Health / Prosperity Gospel) preacher this Conley guy is, if at all, but I am aware that many other WoFers have warped ideas about faith, healing, and human suffering.
Continue reading “Bayless Conley and Depression – Sorry, dude, but depression can’t be cured by will power & sometimes not even by faith”

Infertility/ Kids/ The Male Biological Clock

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Before I get to the article that discusses how the issue is with older men and not women concerning biological clocks and having kids…

I don’t really know if I want to have kids or not. I’m in my early 40s and never married.

I definitely do not want to raise someone else’s kids, which is why, if I ever get married, I do NOT want to marry a guy who has had kids with another woman. So I am talking about if I want to have my own kids or not.

Grow Tired of Hearing Infertile Women Complain and Cry About Being Infertile

I will admit to being annoyed by married women of any age who cry and moan about the fact they cannot get pregnant or cannot sustain a pregnancy.

I find the annoyance factor go up the closer that infertile woman is to my age.

I try to be sympathetic to these sorts of women, but the truth is that it is hard for me to feel sorry for “Mrs. Infertile” when she is at the very least a “Mrs.” to start with, and I cannot even get a date for Friday night.

Mrs. Infertile at least has a spouse, so please, please, Mrs. Infertile, please stop the crying and whining about not being able to have a baby! (Some of us would at least like to have a husband, never mind a baby.)

And the number of Christian magazines and TV shows, while frequently airing or printing sympathetic segments about women and infertility, rarely, rarely address the issue of Christian women (or men) over age 35 who have never been married. We exist too – how about writing sympathetic magazine articles about us?

Churches: Stop Assuming All Your New Members or Visitors Over Age 35 Are Divorced And / Or That They Have Kids

On a related note – any time I start attending a new church and tell them I’m single and need to know where their singles class room is, the person greeting me always (and this pisses me off) assumes that I’m divorced and have kids. I want to slap them every time they say, “Oh, and how many kids do you have?”

I’ve had that happen at just about every new church I’ve attended since I was 35 years old. People who greet newcomers at churches need to stop assuming all singles over the age of 35 are divorced or have kids.

Anyway, I saw this article today (from the Wall Street Journal):

What’s That Ticking Sound? The Male Biological Clock – Men are also at the mercy of age when it comes to having kids
Continue reading “Infertility/ Kids/ The Male Biological Clock”

Part 2 – Suffering and Misery Trend Du Jour

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Previous post:
Suffering and Misery Trend Du Jour Part 1

As I was saying in Part 1, there is an annoying habit of Christians to jump on one brand of human misery as their favorite “cause- come- lately,” in much the same way some teenagers jump on whatever is the latest fashion trend.

Secularists have also been guilty of this bizarre and tasteless phenomenon (recall Bob Geldof’s Live Aid and Farm Aid, and U2’s Bono and his AIDS and Africa charity relief or whatever).

What I find even more maddening and disgusting is how so many Christians ignore the hurting Christian people in the United States to go and help the (Non Christian) suffering in other nations.

Many American Christians are so preoccupied with helping Non-Christian / Non-Americans that I find this behavior sort of infuriating and a tad hypocritical.

I typically see American tele-evangelists, such as Joyce Meyers and the hosts of the Christian “Life Today” program, begging their viewers to send in money to get foreign children out of poverty or prostitution, usually ones in Africa.

What about American children of all skin colors who are living in poverty, or who are sexually abused? Are American kids, of whatever skin color, any less worthy than typically darker-skinned children in Africa or central or South American nations?

The Scriptures actually tell Christians that while they should try to help all people, that their PRIMARY duty is to help other hurting, suffering Christians in their own group first and foremost (see Galatians chapter 6, verse 10, also 1 Timothy 5: 8), not to place a priority on helping pagan, atheistic, starving, impoverished, suffering heathens outside of their own nation.

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Continue reading “Part 2 – Suffering and Misery Trend Du Jour”

A Long Time Single Responds to a ‘Why You’re Not Married’ Article

Please click the “more” link (which is farther below) to read this entire post. Thank you

You can find this CNN editorial, “Why I’m Not Married, and No, It’s Not Because I’m an Angry Slut,” by Jessica Ravitz, here:

(Link): Why I’m not married (and it’s not because I’m an angry slut)

I found that same editorial linked to at the “askmen.com” forum, and most all the responses to it, by men, were very rude, insensitive, and clueless; they clearly do not understand women.

Out of all the men who left replies in the thread at the “askmen.com” forum, only one (a forum moderator) showed any maturity and sense.

The rest of the men in the thread sounded very bitter, immature, or insensitive. They sound as though they hate women. Maybe they’re angry at women because they cannot get or maintain a steady relationship with a woman.

You will find some quotes farther below from the editorial by Jessica Ravitz, but I first wanted to make a few comments about it.

Ravitz is not a Christian, but she makes many points I relate to.

One reason I have tagged this post with the terms such as “insensitive” and “annoyances” is that Ravitz is replying to insensitive comments by another author, Tracy McMillan.

McMillan wrote an editorial, “”Why You’re Not Married,” and from the way Ravitz describes the editorial, it sounds very insulting, because McMillan apparently blames singles for being single, even though people who remain single sometimes remain so for reasons that are not their fault.

Ravitz basically sums up the “never-married” situation some singles reluctantly find themselves in by saying life happens, and she explains that singles have a variety of reasons for why they were not able to get married, and some of those reasons are beyond their control.

Nobody can guarantee marriage, based on a variety of factors, so it’s insulting, rude, and demeaning for writers such as McMillian (or Christian writers like the ones at “Boundless.org”) to behave like there’s some magic formula that if we all just follow, we are guaranteed to get a spouse.

The link again:

(Link): Why I’m not married (and it’s not because I’m an angry slut)

Here is some of what Ravitz wrote:

  • ——————-
  • Tracy McMillan has gotten under my single-status skin.
  • I’m not sure how it took nearly a week for her Huffington Post column, “Why You’re Not Married,” to land in front of me, but it finally did. And now I’m fired up — not in an angry way but in the sort of way that made me skip to my desk, excited to type.
  • To hear it from the thrice-divorced McMillan, I’m 41 and not married because of one (or more?) of six reasons: I’m a bitch, a slut, a liar, shallow, selfish or not good enough.
  • Wow. Is that all? Maybe I smell, too.
  • I’ll be the first to admit I’ve got issues (c’mon, who doesn’t?), but I’m not owning these. Perhaps she was talking about why her own marriages failed or was simply setting out to get a rise, which she did brilliantly. And while I’ve been guilty of occasional transgressions that might fit in some of those unflattering boxes, McMillan doesn’t touch why I’m not married.
  • Based on the buzz surrounding her conversation-starting piece, I’m laying down and lining up behind reason number seven: Life happens.
  • Continue reading “A Long Time Single Responds to a ‘Why You’re Not Married’ Article”

Study: Never Marrieds Have Better Health Than Divorced

Here’s an interesting study from 2009:

Study Says: Healthwise, It’s Better to Be Single Than Divorced

Want to remain healthy? According to a new study — either get married and stay married, or never get married at all.

Researchers in Chicago found that among a pool of 8,652 people aged 51 to 61, those who married and divorced had 20 percent more chronic illnesses like cancer and diabetes than those who didn’t marry. Remarrying only drops the figure to 12 percent.

Basically, “health stock” goes up or down depending on our marital experience. Only those who remain married can expect the same health benefits as people who never got married.

Divorce ‘health scars permanent’

Review of the Dreary Book, When People Are Big And God Is Small by E. Welch


(please click the “more” link to read the rest of the review)

A book review of When People Are Big And God Is Small by Edward T. Welch

This is a very long book review because I have very strong opinions about the book. I have a 1997, paperback printing of this book, if that matters.

To summarize this guy’s revolting, depressing book as briefly as I can:

The author, Welch, believes that humans have biological and spiritual needs, but we do not have ‘psychological needs,’ nor do we have a biblical, God-given, legitimate need to be loved by God or by other people. If you think you have these needs and/or you try to get them met (even by Jesus Christ!!), you are sinning and committing idolatry (no, I’m not kidding, the author truly believes this stuff).

I wanted to like this book, I really did.

I think mine is the only negative review of this book on the web. Most all other reviews I’ve seen of it have been positive.

Unfortunately, Christians who like this book generally seem to be the ones who are

• predisposed to distrust in, and who malign, psychology, counseling and therapy (just like movie actor Tom Cruise);

• the ones who ignorantly deny that Christians can and do have mental health issues; or who

• see Satanic influence behind any and all forms of psychology, including anything related to it (such as treatments, which may include talking to a therapist or seeing a psychiatrist to receive medication)

Before I delve into the book review proper, here is a rant on an issue that is a little related to the book and to the positive reviews the book tends to receive:

Interestingly, the same judgmental Christian clowns who insult their fellow Christians who seek mental health treatment are the same ones – hypocritically – who will not hesitate to see a doctor for their own physical health problems and take medicine for physical afflictions.

Such backwards, hillbilly Christians enjoy attributing almost any and all forms of human suffering and problems to Original Sin, or to the supposed sins of the Christian who is suffering from mental health problems.

Curiously, such harsh, backwards Christians never ascribe sin to their own physical health issues, such as their asthma, diabetes, near-sightedness, obesity, colds, dentures, flus, broken legs, receding hair lines, paper cuts, or heart problems.

Yes, these are the same hypocrites who will insultingly say you’re not “really saved” or who suggest you lack enough faith if you suffer from clinical depression and take anti-depressant medication… but who take Viagra for their limp noodles (or “e.d.” = erectile dysfunction).

These are the kinds of hypocrites who, even if they themselves do not have “ed” would not hesitate to defend Christan men who do have it for taking Viagra of Cialis, or who see nothing wrong with Viagara pill popping-

But if you are a Christian who deals with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, suicidal thoughts or depression, you are Satan’s spawn for taking lithium, Zoloft, Prozac, or whatever psychiatrists prescribe these days.

…Book Review Proper…

After reading through the preview material available for this book on some book sites, this book sounded like it would be helpful and even uplifting and encouraging.

However, I felt worse after reading it.

The author definitely displays a good understanding of what it’s like to go through life being fearful of people, and he’s able to describe it well.

Certainly, there is some value, as the author posits, in a Christian placing more fear in God (that is, a healthy fear based on respect of God and God’s character and power) more so than in people.

I can certainly see how holding such a belief can be one aspect of many that can help many anxiety-prone Christians to be freed from the anxiety.

There is also maybe a small amount of value, wisdom, or merit to the author’s idea that if you go through life feeling as though you “need” love that such a view will give other people a certain type of control or power over you.

Where I disagree with the author, where I remain unconvinced, is in his insistence that human beings do not ‘need’ love (in a psychological sense).
Continue reading “Review of the Dreary Book, When People Are Big And God Is Small by E. Welch”

One TBN guest who gets it right: Dr Billy Ingram of L.A.

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Dr. Billy Ingram, a guy I’ve never heard of before, was a guest on a TBN program this evening, and he went on an anti-prosperity rant (he’s against prosperity as taught by the con artists and greedy rats one typically sees on TBN).

If I understood correctly, Ingram is a pastor at a church in Los Angeles, but spends the rest of his time working as a photographer.

Ingram said that too many people in the church today who are preaching and listening to the prosperity message are too greedy, and he mentioned that one word frequently translated in our Bibles as “prosperity” is not always referring to financial prosperity.

Ingram made an excellent point when he said (paraphrasing),

“Why is it that in the churches where the pastors preach the prosperity gospel that the pastors and the other ‘top guys’ in the churches are the only ones driving the expensive cars? If the prosperity message they teach is true, shouldn’t more people in their churches also be driving the fancy cars?”

Continue reading “One TBN guest who gets it right: Dr Billy Ingram of L.A.”

Suffering and Misery Trend Du Jour

Am I the only Christian who finds it a little annoying when other Christians jump on a cause?

Even though I’ve meant to cut down on the amount of Christian television I watch (and I have to a small degree), I still watch enough of it to be appalled or irritated by what I see.

Starting some time last year, a lot of Christians on TBN began talking about human trafficking.

This practice usually involves criminals kidnapping and forcing underage girls (and sometimes adult women) into prostitution, and that usually in Asian nations, though it is on the rise in the United States.

Of course, human trafficking (sometimes referred to as the sex slave industry) is reprehensible and disgusting, and yes, it’s good that people, including Christians, are trying to halt it.

My issue is that some Christians seem to treat various types of tragedy, human suffering, and evil as though they are trendy, like Calvin Klein and Jordache jeans were in 1982, bell bottom jeans in 1976, or poodle skirts in 1958.
Continue reading “Suffering and Misery Trend Du Jour”

Hysterical: Hagee Gives Sermon on Fasting

Hysterical: Hagee Gives Sermon on Fasting

On Christian network TBN right now, November 19, 2010, John Hagee’s son, Matthew, is giving a sermon about fasting on the father’s daily television show.

Matthew Hagee used to be quite over weight, and sometime in the past couple of years, he lost all the extra weight.

However, his father, pastor John Hagee, remains quite hefty (I’d say obese); he must be 80 or more pounds overweight.

I just find it funny, in a sad way, that a son of a tubby pastor would have the nerve to lecture his father’s congregation on abstaining from food, no matter how well meaning the motive.
Continue reading “Hysterical: Hagee Gives Sermon on Fasting”