Americans Just Want to Be Single?

An article from Psychology Today

Americans Just Want to Be Single?

A few quotes (the reader comments on the page were also interesting):

Between ages 25 and 34, married people are in the minority
Published on September 30, 2010
by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

….The most irresponsible explanation

Sadly, the one explanation with no data whatsoever to back it was published in the New York Times. The paper quoted Joel Greiner, who said that economic considerations were not the real issue: “It is more a fear of intimacy and fear of marriage.”

Who’s Joel Greiner? He’s “the director of counseling for the Journey, an interdenominational church in the St. Louis area.” Couples in his congregation tell him they are living together while they save money, but he’s decided they’re just scared. That’s right – he is not citing scientific research. He’s not even pointing to what the people in his congregation have told him, except to say that he doesn’t believe it. This is what the New York Times uses to perpetuate its singlism. Singles are just scared of intimacy. Some guy said so.

(For previous discussions of this non-issue, check out Times reporter thinks single women fear intimacy; I’m afraid he’s wrong, and How to make even good findings sound bad.)

The explanation no publication suggested

So let’s see, is there any other possible reason why more and more Americans are living single? Has it occurred to any scholars or reporters that it is increasingly possible to live a full, complete, and meaningful life as a single person, and so a growing number of Americans are opting to do so? No! Apparently, the thought never occurred to them.

For that, you’d have to go to, say, someone whose thoughts about single life are not prefabricated. Take David, for example. He sent me one of these stories with a note about the low rate of marriage: “Why can’t it be because people simply prefer being single?”

Double Standard by Some Non Christian Childfree

I wrote about childfree people in a previous entry. I myself am childfree, but I’m also a social conservative, conservative Christian, and a Republican, unlike most CF (child free people) who seem to be left wing and atheist – and who are hostile towards people such as myself.

One glaring double standard I see on CF (child free) blogs and forums are CF Non Christians who complain about mothers who breastfeed. (I agree that breastfeeding should be done in private and not in public.)

Many CF seem to believe there is something sexual about nude breasts, even in the context of breastfeeding; maybe to an extent they are correct about that. (For example see posts in this thread about Time magazine’s breastfeeding cover at Bratfree Forum).

Here are a few quotes from that CF forum thread regarding the Time magazine breastfeeding story:

by loavesstillsuck

THE HORROR! The look of the self-satisfied moos [mothers] standing their with their adult children (well, practically) sucking on their udders. . . . . . . glaring into the camera lens as if to say “I dare you to think of me sexually with a kid sucking off of me!”

BLEAH! There is no word appropriate enough, save for BLEAAAAAAH and VOMMITTTT.

by gwddee

Yeah I noted the ‘lighten up” twit. What the f*uck? Yep, keep defending that pedophile [mother in photo breastfeeding son], assh*le.

by rudegubmintworker

Why can’t the mom pump her breast and give the brat her boob milk from a cup? Because she gets physical and/or sexual satisfaction from it, loves using it to control the brat. Whether she wants to admit it or not.

When I was almost age 4 (like this kid SUPPOSEDLY is) I was in pre-kindergarten and could already read (and had been formula fed). I can’t imagine leaving school where I read, drew numbers and stick figures to go suck on Mom’s tit. Not to mention – some kids even back in the seventies at age 3 and 4 were skilled in the art of teasing other kids. What happens of other kids get wind of the fact Suckley still nurses? He’ll become the victim of bullying.

There are many, many other similar quotes to those above at that site and at other CF sites, who are equating breastfeeding (or the photo of such on the Time cover) to pedophilia.

Many CF, though, do not believe there should be any or many limits on sexuality in other areas, and they don’t seem to spot their own hypocrisy in this.

Many of the Non Christian CF mock and ridicule Christians or conservatives who teach and believe sex should be for marriage only, teens should not be having sex, and that homosexuality is unnatural and sinful.

Continue reading “Double Standard by Some Non Christian Childfree”

Childfree Christians / Childfree childless

(click “more” to read the entire post)

I’ve visited a few blogs and discussion boards for people who are “childfree.”

Most childfree people bristle at being referred to as “childless,” since most of them never wanted to have kids and intentionally took steps to avoid having any, such as undergoing sterilization procedures.

The term “childless” signifies to them that they wanted kids but could not have them, as well as other unwanted connotations, so they dislike the term.

Before I discuss my views on these childfree sites, here is my background and views as they pertain to kids and other topics I see regularly brought up on childfree forums and blogs:

I do not have any children. I have never had children. I have never married. I wanted to be married and would still like to be married.

I’ve never felt totally comfortable with the idea of becoming pregnant and having a baby, but I was never totally opposed to having one of my own.

I do not hate children, but I don’t like most of them. Most children are irritating and too loud. Most teens are obnoxious and idiotic. I don’t think 99% of infants are cute.

I am pro-life; I do not support abortion, nor do I support homosexuality or the legalization of homosexual marriage.

I am a social conservative and a Republican.

Here are my experiences of visiting childfree blogs and forums…

While I can relate to many of the problems and situations described at some of these sites, such as The Childfree Life discussion board or Bratfree Forum, I am dismayed or put off by some of the comments and attitudes I see by some members.

There is quite a bit of profanity on those particular boards and on others like them;  there are jokes about killing or maiming kids/babies (implied); rude or cruel comments about people who did nothing to deserve it; many generalizations or gross misrepresentations or misunderstandings of conservative Christians.

Continue reading “Childfree Christians / Childfree childless”

Therapists and Whiners / Constant Complainers

Therapists and Whiners / Constant Complainers

post first published in 2021

I have two views on this topic – should you tell a constant whiner to put a cork in it, or indulge them?

On the one hand, it can get very annoying being around someone who whines (complains) constantly. I have a couple of internet friends who do this, two family members, and I’ve had a few coworkers guilty of regular whining.

With one family member in particular, I had to shut her down. After two years of listening to her endless, vicious complaining (it wasn’t even normal complaining, but very mean, negative complaining) mostly about her job and boyfriend.

To make matters worse this person chose to dump all her anger and issues on me in the same time frame I was in deep grieving for someone dear I had just lost that we were both related to.

I tried being supportive and listening to her endless whining and her vicious rants, but it was having a negative impact on me. I am prone to depression anyway, and with the grieving as well, I could not possibly handle listening to her hate-filled phone calls anymore on top of everything else.

So I told her I was not going to listen to her complain anymore about her job and other problems. I had to do it to save my sanity.

On the other hand, I like to talk to someone when I am going through a terrible time.

When I am depressed or angry, it makes me feel better to talk through my views and feelings. It helps me if someone just sits and listens as I discuss what I am feeling.

The sad thing is, most people refuse to perform this service for me, even though I do it for them.

Continue reading “Therapists and Whiners / Constant Complainers”

Nice Guys – the bitter single men who complain women don’t like nice men

This was a page on Buzzfeed; it contains adult language.

I too get tired of seeing bitter guys on blogs complain about how they’re so nice but women don’t want them – they say women (ALL women) only want mean, rude, jerks (which isn’t true of course).

I did not write the following material, it was all written by other people, but I am in agreement with most of it.
—————————–
From Buzzfeed:
The Not-So-Nice “Nice Guys” Of Online Dating
buzzfeed.com/annals/the-not-so-nice-nice-guys-of-online-dating

Author: Ouiser Boudreaux

BuzzFeed Contributor

Nice Guys are an internet standard. To hear them tell it, they are very mistreated! They show up on blogs to complain about how women don’t appreciate Nice Guys like themselves, because even though the Nice Guy is so very nice, women are too self-involved to see the Real Him. The Nice Guy believes he is held back by his intense Niceness.

The truth is, Nice Guys aren’t actually nice guys. They’re entitled jerks who think that if they’re nice to you, you’re obligated to spread. And if you don’t, you’re fodder for the Nice Guy’s extensive complaint box.
Continue reading “Nice Guys – the bitter single men who complain women don’t like nice men”

This Person Got Married ?

I sometimes wonder about people I see on TV or in magazines or on the web who are married… yet I’m still not.

I see people who are (to be blunt, sorry) physically unattractive in the extreme, really weird (not in a quirky, lovable way), or who are morbidly obese – and they’re married.

Meanwhile, I’m thin, college educated, intelligent, attractive, and still single.

Not that all these married people I am referring to are catches.

Here are some news stories which touch upon the subject (or are related):

Susanne Eman, 800-Pound Bride, Fitted For World’s Biggest Wedding Gown (VIDEO)
huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/07/800-pound-bride-susanne-eman_n_1498377.html

800-pound Bride Susanne Eman Fitted For Largest Wedding Dress

Why Do Hot Guys Date Ugly Girls?

5 Famous Guys Who Slid Way Down the Food Chain to Cheat
thesmokingjacket.com/humor/5-famous-guys-who-slid-way-down-the-food-chain-to-cheat

I’m sure the woman in the photo below is a perfectly nice person, and her groom there isn’t my idea of attractive, but it goes to show you even an obese woman can get a husband, while meanwhile, here I am, jogging five days a week to stay in shape (society tells me a man won’t want to look my way twice if I have a weight problem), and I’m still single. I really don’t understand the world.

Wedding Photo
Wedding photo of overweight bride with average weight groom


Christian Singles Never Marrieds – it’s okay to get your needs met

Christian Cliche’ (and it’s un-biblical) “Go to church to serve not be served”

Christian Singles Never Marrieds – it’s okay to get your needs met

(click the “more” or “continue reading” link to read the rest of the post)

Oh geeze, no. I totally am fed up and irritated by these kinds of views (this comes from Crosswalk’s site, (Link): “The Great Disappearing Singles Ministry“):

However, like many other things churches in North America do that aren’t prescribed in Scripture, maybe singles ministry should be how you serve your church, not how the church serves you.

This goes back to a concept I touched in (Link): a previous post.

Obviously, the Bible calls Christians to help other people and not be selfish, but there is nothing wrong or unscriptural about trying to get your own needs met.

A lot of Christians have this warped perspective that the Bible teaches they are to help only non-saved people or certain categories, such as widows, orphans, etc. However, the Bible advises Christians to help other Christians before trying to reach the unsaved (or homeless, widows, etc).

If the reason I choose a church is based on the lack of, or quality of, a singles ministry, that’s within my rights.
Continue reading “Christian Singles Never Marrieds – it’s okay to get your needs met”

Responding to the Cliche’ Jesus Is All You Need – Christian never married lonely single

From The Toughest Questions Singles Ask

3. If God is all I really need, why do I still yearn for something more?

While it’s certainly true Jesus is the ultimate source through which all our needs, relational and otherwise, are met, he meets those needs in diverse ways. Sometimes he does so directly, but often he does so indirectly through people and circumstances.

Many Scriptures—such as Genesis 2:18 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12—point to the necessity of human companionship. In the Epistles alone there are more than 50 references to “one another”: “love one another” (1 Thessalonians 4:9); “forgive one another” (Ephesians 4:32); “serve one another” (Galatians 5:13). God places great value on our relationships. While our relationship with God is primary, we need each other, too.

Unfortunately, a lot of false guilt can stem from a failure to grasp this truth. Here’s what can happen. Let’s say someone counsels “Mary” to find total relational satisfaction in Jesus. She earnestly tries, but because God designed us for relationship, she fails. She then begins to wonder what’s wrong with her, why she can’t get close enough to God to satisfy her unmet relational needs. Now she’s left with a false belief that her relationship with God is flawed. So poor Mary feels like a failure at human relationships (presumably because she isn’t married) and a failure at her relationship with God. We need to work hard to set singles free from this unhealthy, untruthful cycle.

Article: My Savior My Spouse? – Is God or Jesus Your Husband Isaiah 54:5

Article: My Savior My Spouse? – Is God or Jesus Your Husband Isaiah 54:5

I agree with the author of this. I find it annoying when people try to cheer me up about my never married status by telling me “Jesus is your husband.” Oh please.

My Savior My Spouse? (Isaiah 54:5)

by Camerin Courtney

If you’re one of those singles who finds comfort in Isaiah 54:5—”For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name … “—you should probably stop reading this column and go reread that passage instead. I’ll catch you next time around.

But if you’re one of those singles who reads that verse with equal parts confusion and consternation, read on, kindred. You’re in good company.

Maybe part of what “bothers” me about this verse is the timing of when it’s quoted to those of us without a spouse—usually right after we’ve expressed loneliness, a desire to be married someday (perhaps someday soon), or sadness over the end of a relationship.

The quoters mean to be encouraging, I know, and sometimes this verse does offer a needed reminder that God is always with us; he’s a relationship constant in a world of frequent moves, shifting friendships, painful divorce. And he offers not just any relationship, mind you, but intimate relationship.

God desires the kind of close interaction with us that sparks comparison to that of a husband and wife. He’s not a distant, cold, ambivalent God; he’s an up-close, hands-on, how-was-your-day, cares-about-the-details kind of God. At least when we let him be that kind of God. And yes, sometimes hearing this verse reminds me of all these wonderful truths.

But most days, when this verse is directed specifically at singles, it can be guilt inducing. You feel lonely? Just cling to Jesus. You want a husband? Jesus already is your husband. Isn’t he enough for you?

Well, yes … and no. Yes, Jesus is my foundation, my savior, my hope. He’s the friend I chat with when my eyes first open in the morning, when I’m in the shower, when I’m driving to meet a friend for coffee, when I’m washing dishes in my pj’s.

Continue reading “Article: My Savior My Spouse? – Is God or Jesus Your Husband Isaiah 54:5”

Singleness and Scripture – responding to Christian myths about singleness

Written by a 40 year old women who’s never been married, has no kids:

Singleness and Scripture

by Lisa Harper

Although being single in America no longer is atypical (the latest US census reveals more single/divorced/widowed women than married ones), in the Christian subculture, singleness often seems an anomaly. I can’t count how many times church people have awkwardly asked me, “Do you have any children?” or “Where’s your husband?”

My favorite answer is, “My future husband’s lost and won’t stop to ask for directions.”

The quip usually prompts giggles and diverts attention from my lackluster dating life.

Sometimes I wonder if myths about Christians and singleness contribute to making women without a diamond ring on their left hand feel like misfits.

Let’s look at some of the faulty theology surrounding singleness, and get the Bible’s actual take on the subject.
Continue reading “Singleness and Scripture – responding to Christian myths about singleness”

Article by J. Watts: The Scandal of Singleness – singles never married christian

Excellent piece by Jackson Watts (I omitted the footnotes; you can visit the link “The Scandal of Singleness” to view them); click the “more” link to read the rest:

(Link): The Scandal of Singleness

Sometimes others know us better than we know ourselves. Though the world sees through a darkened lens, occasionally it observes something in Christians worth considering. Recently, a New York Times has done just that in exploring the bias in evangelicalism against hiring unmarried pastors [1].

Erik Eckholm recounts the case of one experienced pastor unable to find work after searching since 2009. According to Eckholm, most evangelical churches will never seriously consider a single pastor for fear that (a) he cannot relate well to married couples, or (b) his sexual orientation is in question. While it would be easy to target search committees for their myopia, the data shows that this bias extends throughout many evangelical denominations.

This trend represents the concerns of Christians about the state of marriage in America. Many publications have noted the fact that unmarried adults are now the largest demographic in America. According to the last census, nearly 50% of American adults are unmarried—the most in history. It is in this vein that evangelical theologian Al Mohler responds to Eckholm’s findings: “Both the logic of Scripture and the centrality of marriage in society,” he said, justify “the strong inclination of congregations to hire a man who is not only married but faithfully married” [2].

So, is this bias against singles, especially in ministry, justified? Is the privileged status of marriage over singleness Scriptural? Is singleness as scandalous as some imply? I contend that the church’s witness is hindered insomuch as it ignores or belittles faithful expressions of singleness in the church.

Continue reading “Article by J. Watts: The Scandal of Singleness – singles never married christian”

Article: Sensitivity to Singles’ Needs Grows

(Please use the “more” link below to read the rest of the post)

April 2012

LOUISVILLE, KY. — When he looks out over his small congregation on Sunday mornings, Steven Schafer sees a picture of modern American family life.

About half of the congregants come from what was once typical – families headed by married couples.

The rest include “a lot of single parents, a lot of divorced parents, a lot of grandparents raising their kids,” said Schafer, pastor of Ridgewood Baptist Church. “The traditional family is not the norm.”

That presents a major challenge to churches, which are struggling to respond to the revolution in how Americans structure their families, households and romances.

Nearly half of American adults today are unmarried – whether never-married, currently divorced, separated or widowed, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

Married couples account for just under half of all American households – down from 71 percent in 1970, according to the U.S. Census.

Yet still today, married people are more likely than singles to be church attendees. And churches often seem focused on the nuclear family, whether it’s in the sermon topics or the posters on the walls or the graded Sunday Schools.

The Rev. Kevin Cosby, pastor of St. Stephen Church, said his congregation is trying to create a culture in which “you’re not abnormal if you’re single.”

“One is a whole number,” he said. “You’re not a fraction.”

Continue reading “Article: Sensitivity to Singles’ Needs Grows”