Life Lessons After Recovering from Codependency – I Can’t Save You, and I No Longer Want To
This will be a repetitive, somewhat rambling (and very long) post, because this involves a huge pet peeve of mine.
I very much resent any one lecturing me or accusing me of not being compassionate enough, or not giving enough “emotional support” in some situation or another, when they refuse to factor in what I’ve been through in my life and why I now do what I do.
I refer to this highly pertinent fact:
I spent over 3 decades of my life being very codependent. I was pathologically un-selfish, giving, and supportive of and to others to my own detriment.
It’s absolutely perverse and demonic to accuse a recovering codependent (such as myself), who has finally begun developing healthy boundaries, of being selfish or not being “giving” enough in relationships.
You’re accusing a former codependent of the very opposite things she spent decades doing, behaviors which caused her setbacks and harm in life.
I have since learned what a huge mistake that is (to live codependently), how toxic it is, and how much harm it caused me over my life.
I am now more picky and choosy about when, to whom, for how long, and under what conditions, I will grant other people non-judgmental emotional support or other types of help.
And it took me into middle age to figure out – just upon thinking things over, noticing patterns in my relationships, and from reading some books by psychologists – that a big reason I kept attracting so many damaged, depressed, hurting, self absorbed, strange, or angry people is precisely because I was so giving, loving, and I didn’t put limits on anyone in any fashion.
For years, I was a very shy, people pleasing, undemanding, compliant, kind hearted, sensitive, caring person, and by my late 20s to early 30s and older, I kept wondering why when I did finally make a friend or two, that I seldom attracted normal, mentally healthy, fun, well-adjusted individuals who would meet my needs in return.
Attracting Disturbed, Angry, or Miserable People for Over 35 Years
Instead, I kept attracting selfish people, abusers, bullies, constant complainers, pessimists, self absorbed people, people with personality disorders, or people who were depressed, and while I was giving all these people a lot of my time, attention, affection, emotional support (or sometimes money), they never thanked me for this, and the vast majority never met my needs in return.
It took me years to figure out why I kept attracting so many mal-adjusted or emotionally injured people into my life.