Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others by L. Howe

Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others by L. Howe

This is one very long article. I am not going to paste all of it here, so you will have to use the link if you want to see the whole thing. It’s on The Atlantic’s site.

(Link): Why Some People Take Breakups Harder Than Others by L. Howe

  • Part of it depends on whether they believe personality is fixed or constantly changing.
  • It’s a question that often plagues people after a painful break-up:

  • What went wrong? As they work to figure out the answer, people typically create new relationship stories, analyzing the events leading up to the breakup and using them to build a cohesive narrative.

  • In some cases, this type of storytelling can be positive, helping people to make sense of—and come to terms with—painful things that happen to them. Other times, though, the storytelling process can be a negative one, compounding pain rather than easing it.

  • My colleague Carol Dweck and I research why some people are haunted by the ghosts of their romantic past, while others seem to move on from failed relationships with minimal difficulty. Over the course of our research, I’ve read hundreds of personal stories about the end of relationships, and these stories offer some clues as to what pushes a person into one group or the other.

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Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

Why Don’t Some Men Realize A Relationship Is Over Until It’s Too Late? by N. Reilly

I relate to this story I am linking to in this post.

This happened to me a bit with my ex fiance, I’ve seen other women go through the same thing.

Before women break up with a guy, they will have spent weeks, months, or years letting the guy know that there is a relationship problem, and exactly what that problem is.

(Edit. One variation on this: women who feel that they cannot even tell the guy what the problem is to begin with, because a lot of men will accuse the woman of nagging, so the woman may choose to stay mum and not tell the guy she believes there are problems with the relationship. But as for women who do speak up and tell the guy repeatedly what the problem is…..)

But a lot of men seem to be lazy at relationships. The woman will stand there and say, “It really bothers me when you do X,” or, “You need to start doing Z.” But the guy will just sit there, maybe not even listening to what the woman is saying. Or, the guy might half listen but make no attempt to change things.

This same scene will play out many times over months or years, with the woman saying she just cannot stand X or lack of Z anymore. Men get plenty of warning that the relationship is going south. They choose to disregard this or fail to read the signs.

After weeks, months, or years of trying, the woman gives up and moves on.

Women usually start emotionally pulling back, they stop fighting with the guy – they’ve already accepted things are over, and they make plans to leave.

By the time the woman tells the guy, “it’s over,” the guy expresses shock. They claim they didn’t know anything was wrong.

I don’t know why so many men fall into this pattern. It’s really not a mystery when a woman leaves a guy. Most women will give you plenty of advanced warning that things are over, or soon will be, if things don’t change. That is what this page discusses:

(Link):  Why don’t some men realise it’s over until it’s too late? by N. Reilly


I’ve written about this statistic (Link): before [that women are more likely to initiate a divorce than men are], and extrapolated that, generally speaking, men tend not to be as in touch with the relationship, or their own needs, as women are.

Psychotherapist and relationships counsellor, Guy Vicars, former president of Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors, calls it avoidance.

“I think the tendency for men is to avoid relationship issues. Once they have emptied their bag of relationship tricks, they can kind of grind to a halt,” he says. “This is frustrating for their female partners who then feel like they are hitting their head on his brick wall.”

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