Dating Apps Are Making Marriages Stronger by P. Drexler
Before I commence with the excerpts from the Drexler article, I implore any married people out there:
Do NOT, do NOT, do NOT tell your single friends to “just try a dating site if you are lonely / want a boyfriend / want to get married,”
especially if that single friend is coming to you seeking empathy because they are single and would like to be in a relationship – they are discouraged and are looking for empathy, not your stupid dating advice.
I explain why you should avoid the cliche’ in this post.
The short of it is, just because a dating site worked FOR YOU or for Hank Jones mentioned in this article below, or just because it worked for your Aunt Sally, or for your best friend Marge, doesn’t mean other singles have success at online dating.
Some of us keep running into perverts, weirdos, and losers on dating sites and so we (Link): give up on dating sites and dating apps.
I am not opposed to dating sites or apps, but I recognize they are NOT guarantees of meeting a “Mr. Right,” so married folks:
stop acting like joining a dating site will solve all of a single woman’s problems in the romance department. Because they don’t work for everyone who tries them.
Couples who meet online tend to communicate better, commit more easily and have longer, happier relationships.
August 29, 2019
…. Online dating has been criticized for lots of things. Some say that it encourages a “meat market” approach to romance, offering too much choice – and too much temptation to constantly look for something better.
Others deride it as nothing more than a platform for arranging quick hookups. But there is now evidence that online dating could, in fact, be improving the likelihood of romantic compatibility – and making marriage stronger.
According to a 2016 Pew Research poll, half of all Americans know someone who uses online dating or has met a spouse or serious partner that way.
That includes adults 18 to 24, who arguably have the greatest chance of interacting with a potential partner in person – whether through school, early careers, the bar scene or friends of friends.
Researchers from the University of Chicago found that more than a third of U.S. marriages between 2005 and 2012 started online – and that online couples have longer, happier marriages. The study of more than 19,000 participants, published in 2013 in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that the “relationship quality” of partners who meet online may be higher – and the rate of separation or divorce lower – than for partners who meet offline.
According to the study, the rate of marital breakups for respondents who met their spouse online was 25% lower than for those who met offline. The researchers suggested that a greater pool of potential spouses might give users more options and allow them to be more selective.
They also found that more anonymous online communications produced greater self-disclosure – than face-to-face communications, laying the foundation for more enduring relationships.
…. “Relationships only last when your goals are aligned,” says Amy Schoen, a life and dating coach based in Washington, DC. Online dating reveals those goals “up front and center,” she said. It requires singles to understand and articulate their own values and goals in a way many never have. This is important, because, as Ms. Schoen put it, “knowing yourself is the first step in knowing what you need from a good partner, and how to be one yourself.”
Eric, a 45- year- old graphic designer in Baltimore who met his wife five years ago on the dating site PlentyOfFish, says that before he started dating online, he’d always chosen a partner based on looks [note from CP blogger: typical of 99% of men, which makes him a sexist, doof idiot in regards to women and to dating, but complementarian churches often ENCOURAGE men to view women / dating / marriage in this faulty, insulting, demeaning, and shallow way].
“I figured if the [physical] attraction was strong enough, any issues we might have could be overcome,” he [Eric] says [note from CP blogger: like I said, a complete idiot – physical appearance alone will not keep a relationship going, and looks change over time; your partner may go bald or gain 54 pounds during the course of your relationship].
“Those relationships always failed.” [note from CP blogger: NO DUH.] “Online dating, though, forced me to consider, and write down, my values, which also made me more aware of the importance of knowing the values of others.” He and his wife, he says, “agree on most everything.”
[Note from CP blogger: I cannot believe it took that Eric guy into his forties – his freaking forties!! – to figure out that looks alone or primarily will not keep or make a relationship. I’d expect your average 15 year old teen boy to hold that view, but a grown ass adult man?????]
Though many singles may view dating online as an efficient way to find someone who meets their specific criteria, dating apps can, in fact, open up users to a wider range of potential partners.
A 2017 study by researchers at the University of Essex in the U.K. and the University of Vienna in Austria, published in the social-science journal SSRN, found that marriages created online were less likely to break up in the first year than marriages that started offline.
The researchers suggested that people who meet online are more likely to be compatible precisely because they’re matching with partners they might have otherwise overlooked.
They noted, for instance, that a rising rate of interracial marriages corresponded with the launch of Match .com, Tinder and OkCupid.
“The number of potential dates online can help people broaden, rather than limit, their own definition of their likes and dislikes,” said Carried Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Mich. “It can challenge some rigidity about things that once seemed important. I often tell my clients it’s like home buyers who go in saying they must have a finished basement or a three-car garage but make a concession when a house with a two-car garage has a master bedroom they can’t live without.”
Though it might seem that the sheer volume of potential candidates would encourage online daters not to settle for an imperfect partner, some experts say that it actually has the opposite effect.
For five years, sociologist Jess Carbino headed research for Tinder and Bumble, conducting studies to understand why and how poeple used the apps. “I found that people who dated online were far more likely to commit than their offline counterparts, not in spite of what else was available but because of what else was available,” said Ms. Carbino. “Unlike most offline daters, they could actually visualize the market. They knew what’s out there, and they knew who they’re matching with and who they’re not.”
Over time, said Ms. Carbino, people relaxed their preferences and were more likely to give a chance to someone who wasn’t exactly what they thought they were searching for. “This isn’t ‘settling,'” she said,. “It’s learning.”
(Link): Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work
(Link): How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo