Thoughts on the NRO Essay “Advice For Incels” by Kevin D. Williamson

Thoughts on the NRO Essay “Advice For Incels” by Kevin D. Williamson

About me and this blog:

If you are new to my blog: I have been a conservative my entire life. I’ve never voted Democrat. I was a Republican until a few years ago. I am no longer in any political party.

I sometimes critique secular, left wing feminists on my blog (such as but not limited to (Link): this post and (Link): this one), but there are times when I believe other conservatives get feminists wrong, and feminists are actually correct on some issues.

I was brought up in a traditional values, conservative, Christian family where my parents brought me to Southern Baptist churches as I was growing up, where I was taught to believe in gender complementarianism, which I did for many years, until I finally realized how (Link): wrong and sexist complementarianism is.

Because I grew up as a complementarian, I am quite familiar with what they think and why they think as they do.

My current religious beliefs are somewhat “up in the air,” as I am waffling between being agnostic, (or a deist), and the Christian faith. (Note: I am not an atheist.)

I am by no means anti- Nuclear Family, anti- motherhood, or anti- marriage, though I do posit that many to most conservatives – especially the religious ones – have gone to un-biblical lengths and have turned the Nuclear Family, marriage, natalism, and motherhood and fatherhood into idols which is wrong of them.

— end introduction to me and this blog —

I saw a link to this essay go through my Twitter feed today:

(Link): Advice for Incels by Kevin D. Williamson

On one level, this essay – “Advice for Incels” was okay.

However, I think that while the guy who wrote it has his heart in the right place, I think he gets a lot of things wrong and is naive about how Baptist and conservative Protestant and evangelical churches are for adult singles.

I’ve spent the last several years on this blog covering these topics – I’d encourage Williamson and anyone who read his NRO piece to read the books  (Link): “Singled Out” by Field and Colon and  “Quitting Church” by Christian author Julia Duin for even more information.

Christian Culture and Churches Do Not Truly Support Celibacy or Sexual Purity or Singleness

Williamson seems to be operating under the assumption that most or all Christians respect and revere chastity, celibacy, and staying a virgin until marriage. He would be wrong about that. Oh so wrong.

Christians will often “pay lip service” to the concepts of singleness, chastity, celibacy, and virginity, but they negate these concepts in many ways (which I have explained in previous posts on this blog).

In some cases, some Christians go so far to actually mock, question, diminish, or insult the concepts or situations of singleness, celibacy, and virginity.

That’s right, it’s not just left wing, secular feminists and culture who mock virginity and depict singles as “losers,” but a lot of Christians do so as well – one example (Link): this pastor.

I have other examples on my blog, such as, but not limited to:

(Link): Is Singleness A Sin?

(Link): No, Christians and Churches Do Not Idolize Virginity or Sexual Purity or Modesty

(Link): Christians Who Attack Virginity Celibacy and Sexual Purity – and specifically Russell D. Moore and James M. Kushiner

(Link): Christian TV Show Host Pat Robertson Disrespects Virginity – Says Pre-Marital Sex Is “Not A Bad Thing”

(Link): More Anti Singleness Bias From Southern Baptist Leader Al Mohler – Despite the Bible Says It Is Better Not To Marry

(Link):  How About Using Celibates as Role Models For Celibacy? (Oddity: Christians Holding Up Non-Virgins [Fornicators] As Being Experts or Positive Examples on Sexual Purity)

(Link):  How Christianity’s Focus on Hot Married Sex Negatively Impacts Adult Single Celibates from Practical Theology for Women blog

Again, that is just a very small sampling on my blog – I have many more examples of how even conservative Christians disregard or insult singleness, chastity, celibacy, or virginity.

Christian Marriage and Pro-Creation Idolization Comes At Expense of Singleness, Celibacy, the Childless

One reason Christians do this is that they have turned Marriage and the Nuclear Family into an idol, and they are angry, upset, and disturbed that more and more Christians are not marrying at all, or are delaying marriage.

Consequently, marriage-obsessed Christians are trying to support and market marriage by either trying to (Link): scare adult singles into marrying, or by disparaging singleness, and they do wacky, awful, bad things like hype and promote “Early Marriage” ((Link): example 1, (Link): example 2 – I have other examples on my blog).

Sexless Marriages

One of the most disturbing things Williamson does in this “Advice for Incels” essay is to suggest that once a man gets married to a Christian woman, he is entitled to sex, or that he is guaranteed to have regular sex. (I have more to say about this topic farther below in this post.)

Not only is this a form of (unintentionally) promoting marital rape (or the thinking that backs it) – which some complementarian Christians do in fact endorse (I’ll explain a bit more below) – but I have examples on my blog about sexless marriages, which goes to show that marriage does not always bring an abundant sex life.

There are Christian men and Christian women (and Non-Christians) where either the male or female partner lacks a libido and simply loses interest in sex.

In other words, it’s simply not true that once a person marries that the sex will be regular, hot, and wonderful.

I have many examples on my blog of married women who write into an advice columnist saying, “Help me please, I want to have sex, but my husband never wants to have sex with me any more, what do I do?”

Occasionally, the gender is flipped around, and one can see a man write in to some advice columnist for help, saying his wife never wants to have sex anymore.

Being married does not entitle anyone to sex – not on their demand, without the consent of their spouse, or without taking their spouse’s needs and preferences into account.

Being married is not a guarantee of regular or great sex. Plenty of married people find that their partner is terrible at sex or is too tired or ill to have sex.

Do not imply to Incel men that marriage is their solution for sex, because it most certainly is not.

If one of these Incel men manages to marry, and he is taking Williamson’s advice to heart, he’s going to be very frustrated the first time he discovers his wife is a thinking, feeling human being with her own needs and wants, and is not always going to cave in and respond to any and every whim of her husband.

The first time an Incel’s wife says – when he makes a move on her – “Not tonight dear, I’m not in the mood,” he may become abusive towards her, because guys like Williamson are passing off the idea of marriage as being the answer for a sexless, single life.

However, being married does not mean one gets sex any time and every time one wants sex. Even married people, to be mature, compassionate, and fair – to and with their spouse – have to practice sexual self-control.

Even married people have to sometimes roll over to their side of the bed and do without, if their spouse is tired, sick, not in the mood, or is too stressed out to want to have sex.

Here are a few examples on my blog of people who say they have a sexless marriage:

(Link): Heartbroken Woman Reveals Pain of a Sexless Marriage as Husband Hasn’t Slept with Her in SEVEN Years

(Link): More Married Couples Admit to Sexless Marriages (various articles) / Christians promise you great frequent sex if you wait until marriage, but the propaganda is not true

(Link):  A June 2017 Viewer Tells Christian Host She’s Suicidal Over Being In Sexless Marriage for Twenty Years

(Link):   Married Christian Man Says He’s Been in Sexless Marriage for Nineteen Years and Is Not Happy About It

(Link): Wife Writes to Ask Amy About Her Sexless Marriage October 2013

(Link): Resident Christian Marriage Advice Writer at Christian Mag Admits Some Christian Marriages are Sexless

(Link): Her Marriage is Sexless While She Cares For Sick Elderly Father

  (Link): Getting Married Does Not Necessarily Guarantee Frequent Hot Satisfying Sexy Sex – Husband is Sexless for Eight Years (article)

(Link):  ‘Sex Starved Wife’ Cuts off Her Husband’s PENIS After He Refused to Make Love to Her for Ten Years 

Incels Too Abusive To Sic on Unsuspecting Single Christian Women (or Any Woman)

Williamson’s advice may even be dangerous to vulnerable or naive single Christian women in churches, should any “incels” take this guy up on his advice and start attending churches to find wife material in order to have sex.

For one thing, according to several different articles I’ve read, Incels are not, as Williamson assumes, interested in having mutually satisfying, egalitarian relationships with women – sexual or otherwise.

As these articles I’ve seen explain, many to most Incels view women as sub-human, and they wish to have sex on their own terms; they don’t care about what the woman wants or needs.

Here is one of several articles that explains the situation and why many Incels would likely make abusive boyfriends or husbands to women:

(Link): The hidden crisis that’s fuelling the ‘incel rebellion’ by Andray Domise, via MacLean’s

Excerpts:

…Another [view on how to deal with Incels], which stems from the deeply pathological belief that the path to manhood is tread through a woman’s loins, is that inceldom can be cured by getting these wayward young men laid.

And this belief, which a generation ago would have been reduced to the notion that “hiring a prostitute” could solve the incel problem, has recently transformed into a truly dystopian notion that (Link): “sex redistribution” could perhaps be an answer.

But here’s what’s being missed in the conversation: the men who call themselves “incels,” and the broader internet sphere of men who cluster their identities around having been done wrong by women, are not interested in mere sexual companionship.

Their loneliness, angst, and the feeling of lost power are a pitiable cover story to a problem with white male subcultures that reaches back several years and into some of the darkest corners of the internet.

What began as unchecked toxic culture in fringe websites and forums has metastasized into varying ideologies of self-perpetuating hatred and violence. Ignoring this toxic culture—or brushing it off with pat or ridiculous answers—would be a mistake.

“It’s precisely the ‘soft boys’ and the ‘nice guys’ who have these misogynistic views that will turn on you in a second,” says Tina, a trans woman who once subscribed to incel culture before her transition.

In an interview with Maclean’s, she explained that the [incel] culture is not built around a desire for sex, but resentment over a perceived loss of power. “If you don’t fit their established hierarchy of men on top, fulfilling their sexual needs, and getting whatever they want, you’re the enemy.”

…The discourse in similar forums elsewhere, already polluted by an internet culture that crossed the line from rewarding dark humour to encouraging violent and sociopathic content, became a breeding ground for radicalization.

“You look at the incel forums, and they’re dehumanizing women all over the place,” O’Malley [Harris O’Malley, a popular dating blogger known online as Dr. Nerdlove] said.

“Aside from calling [women] by these names like ‘femoids’ and ‘Stacys’ and ‘roasties’ [a derogatory phrase referring to the appearance of a promiscuous woman’s vagina], they’re [incels are] talking about how women are robbing them of what they deserve, and indulging fantasies about government forcing women to sleep with incels. That they should be allowed to rape them. And eventually you’ve got someone with enough hate and anger, that they don’t confine it to fantasy.”

O’Malley added that the forums not only fomented their own forms of violence, but created attractive spaces from which the alt-right and neo-Nazi movements could draw new recruits.

….Tina confirmed all of this, adding that the negative feedback loop of incel culture, which prevents depressed and often unstable men from seeking help, is fertilized by the broader manosphere. “In these toxic male spaces on the internet, the good guy always gets the damsel. You are always the hero of your own story; you are always the knight,” Tina said.

“You’ve been told you deserve things all your life, and when you can’t have it, you get mad, and you fight back. They’ve taken that and applied it to the economy of sex, love, and affection. And because boys are already forbidden on so many levels from showing affection to each other in healthy ways, they decided that affection was denied to them by some superstructure with sinister feminism and social justice at its core.

“They blame everyone from Black men for stealing their women, to Asian men for having better careers, to Jewish people for having a conspiracy against white people breeding, to trans people for feminizing men. And most of all, they blame women for denying them the sexual validation they think they’re entitled to.”

…All too often, that anger and blame becomes fixated on a particular target, and the target is almost always a woman.

// end excerpts

Regarding this portion of the essay describing typical Incel attitudes and behavior-

“Aside from calling [women] by these names like ‘femoids’ and ‘Stacys’ and ‘roasties’ [a derogatory phrase referring to the appearance of a promiscuous woman’s vagina], they’re [incels are] talking about how women are robbing them of what they deserve, and indulging fantasies about government forcing women to sleep with incels. That they should be allowed to rape them. And eventually you’ve got someone with enough hate and anger, that they don’t confine it to fantasy.”
// end

-Does that really sound like the sort of man you would want your un-married sister, aunt, cousin, or widowed grandmother to date or marry? Probably not. So why on earth are you suggesting that these Incel men should try to date Christian women they meet at churches?

What makes you think that such hate-filled, entitled, sexist, selfish, and possibly violent men would be good husband or boyfriend potential?

Based on what I’m reading, such as in the excerpts above, many of these Incels have deeply rooted psychological problems – they are filled with hatred and rage at women.

I therefore don’t think it’s a wise idea to suggest to these Incel men, as Williamson does in his NRO piece, that they start trying to find dates or wives at churches. These Incel men, should they get a girlfriend or wife, sound as though they would be abusive towards those women.

Single women looking to get married or get a boyfriend would be wise to avoid men who have such deep-seated hatred of women and feelings of entitlement about sex, marriage, and dating.

Churches Are For And By Married Couples – Not For Singles

Williamson seems to be operating under the assumption that churches are welcoming for adult singles, so that should single men should obviously be visiting churches to find partners, but as anyone who’s been reading my blog the last several years should be aware, churches are not welcoming to adult singles.

Conservative churches are not welcoming to single adults, and certainly not celibate ones, whether they are voluntary or involuntary celibates.

I have example after example and post after post on my blog explaining and demonstrating how most Christians are enamored with “married-with-children” couples at the expense of adult singles.

Believe you me, singles over the age of 25 or over 30 notice that churches are not interested in them. Here are just a few examples on my blog:

(Link): Please Stop Shaming Me for Being Single by J. Vadnal

(Link): Singles Shaming at The Vintage church in Raleigh – Singlehood Shaming / Celibate Shaming

(Link): Are Single People the Lepers of Today’s Church? by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link): Single Adults – Why They Stay and Why They Stray From Church – Book Excerpts

(Link): Are Christian Singles The New Second Class Christian? by Duke Taber

(Link): Ministering to the Unmarried by Noel Cameron

(Link): If Family Is Central, Christ Is Not

Some pastors are obsessed with sex and often offer sermons with titles such as “How to Have a Hot Married Sex Life in Ten Steps” every other Sunday.

Sermons acknowledging or encouraging singleness or adult virginity and celibacy are never offered.

Many Christians – and this would include pastors – just assume that any and every single Christian adult over the age of 25 is engaging in pre-marital sex, therefore, there are no sermons offered to encourage the adults who are remaining abstinent.

Sexual sin is not condemned from the pulpit, because Christians assume everyone is fornicating, and (Link): they don’t want to “slut shame” any of the sexually active single men and women in the pews.

Today’s American Protestant churches are made for and by married couples who have children at home.

If adult singles are remembered at all, they are addressed only in so far as how they can be exploited: often times, married Christians only want single adults around to provide free labor, such as (Link): provide free baby sitting services to married couples who have small kids and want to go out on a “date night.”

The author of this “Advice for Incels” article advises young celibate men who are struggling with sexual urges and loneliness to start attending church, where they can hopefully meet single, Christian women and eventually marry them and begin having sex.

This entire view is so problematic in some ways that it’s difficult to know what point to address first.

Equally Yoked

One should be aware the most Protestant and Baptist churches adhere to a doctrine called “Equally Yoked,” where they tell adults it is sinful and wrong and foolish for a Christian single to marry a Non-Christian. Single Christians are admonished to marry only other Christians.

This is a bad move, one reason of several, is that most churches have a gender imbalance, where the females greatly outnumber the males. If you’re a single  Christian woman, steer clear of churches as a venue for spouse-hunting because you are going to end up empty handed.

Most males who attend churches are older married men or teen-aged boys, so if you are a single woman aged 20 to 60, you’re not going to come across many single men in your age group.

Secondly, as I’ve noted time and again, even self-professing, church-going Christian men can be porn addicts, rapists, wife abusers, pedophiles, and adulterers (you can read examples taken from news articles in (Link): this post).

A woman is better off marrying a man of character and integrity regardless of his self-professed religious beliefs.

Some male pedophiles use churches as hunting grounds in which to find single Christian women to marry to disguise the fact they view child porn and molest children. See these posts for more on that:

(Link):  Pedophiles Seeking Christian Wives in Churches – Another Reason to be Leery of the “Equally Yoked” Idea and Reconsider Church as a Place to Meet Singles (link to post on this blog)

(Link): Megachurch: Stay With Your Kiddie Porn-Watching Husband—or Face ‘Discipline’  (link to post on Daily Beast site)

Gender Complementarianism Fosters Abuse of Women

In the essay by Williamson, (Link): Advice for Incels  he writes to Incels (sexually frustrated and angry men),

There’s another conclusion, maybe a little bit cynical, that could be drawn from this: If you are a sexually frustrated young man, the smart play would be to join a church. 

Seriously. Join a church.

It probably is not the case that those guys are maladjusted fruitcakes because they can’t get a girl; more likely, they can’t get a girl because they’re maladjusted fruitcakes. But you more or less normal, nonpsychotic, workaday types having trouble meeting a girl: Join a church. Today. Or Sunday. If you don’t know which one to go to, pick whichever one your parents or grandparents went to, unless they were hippies or atheists, in which case go Catholic.

…So maybe just cross the club off your list. On the other hand, there are girls who want to date — and marry — a guy they met in church. You know where you find those girls?

Church. 

Most congregations — and practically every church committee that doesn’t have the word “men” in its title — are lopsidedly female.

….In the meantime, consider that there are women in the room who might not only be interested in dating you but who might be persuaded to make a public pledge — right there in the church — to have sex with you for the rest of your life, and enter into a legal arrangement fortifying that commitment.

Marriage and fatherhood have been socially devalued. But that doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. And it probably wouldn’t kill you to listen to a sermon or two.

Join a church.
///end excerpts

 Remember, Williamson is addressing this essay to Incels, who, by and large, based on other reports I’ve read are all mal-adjusted; none of them are “non psychotic.”

One of the most concerning parts of this Williamson penned piece that disturbed me was this:

In the meantime, consider that there are women in the room who might not only be interested in dating you but who might be persuaded to make a public pledge — right there in the church — to have sex with you for the rest of your life, and enter into a legal arrangement fortifying that commitment

///end excerpt

When a woman marries a man, she is not pledging to “have sex with him for the rest of his life.”

Consent still applies in the marital context. Women do not give up their right to say “No” to sex once they marry.

Married men are not entitled to have sex any time and every time they want it, and married women are under no obligation to provide sex to their husband each and every time the man wants to have sex.

There are times when a woman may not be able to have sex with her husband, or may not want to, because she may have the flu, be pregnant, going through menopause, be exhausted from a job, on her menstrual period, exhausted from taking care of children all day, or who suffers from physical pain, affects of childhood sexual abuse, or is under stress from her career, or who knows what else she may be enduring.

Which brings us to this next part.

Under a sexist and incorrect biblical interpretation of cherry picked Bible verses, some Christians developed a doctrine called gender complementarianism, by which abusive men take advantage of their wife’s piety to force her to do things – sexual and otherwise- that she does not want to do, but tell her she must, because it’s God’s will and design for a wife to unilaterally submit to her husband.

And some sensitive, vulnerable, confused, or naive Christian wives, out of guilt or fear of offending God or fear of sinning (and possibly fear of negative repercussions from an abusive Christian husband), will go along with this reasoning.

Complementariansim Explained, Exposed

Christian Marital Rape and Christian-Sanctioned Domestic Abuse (Yes, It Happens)

I don’t know if Williamson is aware of this or not, but –

Many conservative Christians believe in a doctrine called “gender complementarianism” which includes a teaching called “male headship” where they teach that husbands have boss-like authority over a wife.

Complementarianism exists on a spectrum, a scale of one to ten, where ‘one’ would be “soft complementarianism” and ‘ten’ would be more hardcore, demanding, or patriarchal.

Depending upon where a complementarian pastor or particular Christian husband falls on that scale of one to ten, the ones who reside somewhere over a level of five will teach that when a woman marries, she gives up all right to refuse her husband sex.

Do you really want an Incel man, who already has a high sense of sexual entitlement and misogyny, to attend a church which tells him that the God of the Bible supposedly puts husbands in charge of wives, and the wives have little to no say-so?

From what I’ve seen, there is no such thing as a mentally healthy, well-adjusted Incel man. They all have severe abusive, entitled views of women and sex, which does not make them good or healthy partners for women.

(Link): Is Christian Complementarianism Helping Fuel The Abuse Reflected In #Me Too?

Excerpts (by Paul Axton):

The publications and the teaching of complementarianism tell wives the same things as the abusers: the abuse is your fault, if you were more . . . (submissive, modest, fill in the blank) the “necessary” abuse would not have occurred.

I am convinced the long-term effects are very similar to the sudden trauma induced by the sexual predator, but in this case women are made to believe their role is to endure this sort of perverse objectification and submission.

The difference is that the sheer numbers, years, and publicity, served to expose the tide and stop Harvey Weinstein.  The same cannot be said for the mass of victims abused, dehumanized, and mentally assaulted by perverse [Christian] theology [about gender].
///end

Christian women are taught in some complementarian literature, sermons, podcasts, blogs, and so on, that they are always to provide sex to their spouse even if or when they are sick, stressed, or just not in the mood – and of course, the Christian men hear these same sermons and messages that are directed at the women.

(Please note that some Christian women are complementarians, and these women have bought into this system, so one can find blogs, books, and other material by Christian women who are pressuring, shaming, or cajoling other Christian women to allow their husbands to control them. It’s not only Christian men who support complementarian views – some women do so as well.)

Under complementarianism – which is identical to codependency – Christian girls and women are taught that their needs and feelings do not matter. They are conditioned to lack boundaries and to accept abuse gladly or to endure it silently for years, and to always defer to men, even if the man in question is abusive, arrogant, or rude.

Christian complementarianism therefore encourages and fosters support of marital rape and other forms of abuse of women by men.

And many moderate- to- conservative non-denominational, Baptist, and Protestant churches believe in and endorse complementarianism.

These are the same churches that Williamson is asking these women-hating Incels to visit to look for dates or wives. Bad idea to send a misogynist into a church that is teaching a view that enables and seemingly offers a “biblical” justification for their misogyny and propensity to abuse and control girls and women. Bad idea.

Some Christians even deny there is such a thing as a martial rape, because they feel a wife is never justified in turning down her husband for sex, so if she tries to resist his advances, and he forces it, that is not considered rape in their backwards, morally bankrupt view of sex, marriage, consent, and men and women.

Christian male complementarians feel entitled to sex whenever and however they want it, no matter how the women they are married to feel about it.

This is not to say that all complementarian men would rape their wives or demand sex and be insensitive, but there are ones who do behave in an abusive and sexually exploitive manner towards their wives – with their church’s blessings, because churches believe that wives are to always submit to their husbands.

Many complementarians also advise women that divorce is always wrong, no matter what, even if the husband in question is physically abusive or consistently emotionally, verbally, sexually, or financially abusive.

The only help or counsel abused  Christian wives receive from their complementarian churches is abuse-enabling: they will be told that divorce is never an option, and that they must return to their abusive husband and submit to him more and pray for him.

Here below are some specific examples of well-known male Christian complementarian pastors -such as Douglas Wilson, Mark Driscoll, John Piper (and at least one well known complementarian Christian woman blogger) –

  • referring to women in derogatory terms, or
  • teaching that women must endure and put up with abuse from a husband, no matter what;
  • also below are links to material exposing the complementarian belief that male Christians are entitled to sex, regardless of the wife’s wishes

– and male Christian laypersons follow the lead of these famous Christians:

Examples (off-site links)

This first link, to A Cry for Justice blog:

This is a site with resources about domestic violence committed in Christian marriages – with many examples of Christian women who share their testimonies, explaining how their Christian husbands abused them, and many of those abusive husbands appealed to complementarian interpretations of the Bible to justify their control and abuse:

(Link): A Cry For Justice

 (Link):  ‘Submit to your husbands’: Women told to endure domestic violence in the name of God

(Link): Lori Alexander, Advocate of Women Staying Married to Their Abusers

(Link): John Piper: Wives Should Endure Abuse For A Season

(Link): John Piper on Submission and Abused Women 

(Link):  The Gospel Coalition, sex, and subordination

(Link):  Marital Rape? Doug Wilson on Dominance and Submission in the Marriage Bed

(Link): How Complementarianism Played Into My Sexual Abuse Under My Former Pastor, Doug Wilson (By Natalie Greenfield)

(Link):  Southern Baptist leader [Paige Patterson] who advised abused women not to divorce doubles down, says he has nothing to apologize for

(Link):  Kansas women among those rebuking Southern Baptist leader’s words on women, abuse

 (Link):  A Response to Paige Patterson’s Comments on Abuse 

(Link):  Sex Abuse & Paige Patterson’s Blind Eye & Deaf Ear

(Link):  The Real Problem in the SBC [Southern Baptist Churches] Is Not Paige Patterson

(Link):  Why Paige Patterson’s apology may not be enough

  (Link):  4 Awful Things Pastor Mark Driscoll Has Said Besides Calling Women “Penis Homes”

(Link):  Pastor Mark Driscoll Called Women “Penis Homes” 

(Link):  Seattle-based Mars Hill Church reeling after founding pastor calls women ‘homes’ for God’s penis

(Link): Black & White Bible, Black & Blue Wife: Ruth Tucker’s Story

(Link): Black And White Bible, Black And Blue Wife (By Ruth A. Tucker)

About the next link:

Some Christians – specifically Christian husbands – force their wives to participate in  a tawdry sexual practice called C.D.D. (Christian domestic discipline, which can involve the husband spanking the wife).

Some of the wives would rather not participate in these degrading sexual activities, and yet, if they are in a complementarian church, these women will be brow-beat and pressured by their husbands to engage in sexual acts they do not wish to, because they are told from the pulpit that a wife should always submit to her husband:

(Link): Christian Domestic Discipline (Wife Spanking): A Personal Story, and a Closer Look at Patterns Connected with this Abusive Practice

Christian Gender Complementarianism Fosters, Justifies, Enables Male Abuse of Girls and Women

Many complementarians are in severe denial that their gender theology is sexist, unfair to girls and women, and can and does lead to, or enables, the abuse of girls and women by boys and men. But it does.

Here are a few off-site links about that or related material:

(Link): Male Headship Theology Enables Abusers by Kelly Ladd Bishop

(Link):  John Piper and the No True Complementarian Fallacy

(Link): Harmful Counsel Harming Women Is A Church Problem (Not Just An SBC Problem)

(Link):  3 Ways [Christian Gender] Egalitarian Theology Opposes Abuse

(Link): Stuck with their noses in the text
(Summary of that blog post: a well known Complementarian blogger, Tim Challies, told other Complementarians not to read an Egalitarian Christian woman’s book that explained how Complementarian “male headship” teachings emboldened her husband to abuse her)

(Link): How complementarianism can magnify the entitlement mentality of men, making them worse

(Link): Is Egalitarian Theology a Counter to Abuse?

(Link): The Failure of Complementarian Manhood

(Link): Is Christian Complementarianism Helping Fuel The Abuse Reflected In #Me Too?

 (Link): Control: The Reason [the complementarian groups] The Gospel Coalition and CBMW Cannot Actually Condemn Spousal Abuse

Conclusion

I do think Williamson meant well, but recommending marriage in the way he did, to the group he did – to sexist men with anger issues to the point they want to murder women for rejecting them for dates, to the point they want to legalize rape of women (I doubt there is any such creature as a psychologically normal Incel) – was not the wisest move.

And do these Incel men really want

1.) marriage – which should consist of a respectful, mutually satisfying relationship where two people are best friends with each other, who make concessions to each other to get along, in all areas of life, including sex – or

2.) do these troubled men called Incels really want power and control over women and no strings attached, casual sex on their own terms, never mind what the woman in question wants, feels or needs?

I’m afraid Incels are more interested in point 2 above, not point 1.

Incels do not strike me as men who want to find “the one,” to find the love of their lives to settle down with and share life with. They just want a person to control and sexually abuse – and those are two different goals altogether.

Churches are not friendly to single adults.

Many churches frown on single adults using church as a venue in which to find a marital partner, in that they consider doing so turning church into a “meat market,” so I don’t think any un-married man who seeks a wife at a church is going to have a lot of luck there.

I would not unleash lots of sick, perverse, pro-rape, sexist, entitled, mal-adjusted men -as the Incels are- on to unsuspecting single Christian women in churches.

Single Christian women already have enough heartache and struggles to put up with, without having to worry about winding up with a violent, sexist, demanding, controlling Incel.

As I outlined above, marriage is not a promise or guarantee of great or regular sex, as Williamson seemed to suggest to Incels.

Married women still have a right to practice consent and to turn down sexual overtures by their husbands if they so wish.

I think Incels need to get into some therapy to get to the roots of their very nasty,  warped attitudes towards sex and women, and maybe a therapist can help them conquer that as well as teach them to have healthier coping skills with disappointment.

Attending therapy sessions and taking responsibility for themselves and learning to handle rejection better – instead of lashing out at women – would be more helpful to Incels than trying to get a wife at a church.

You don’t always get everything you want in life, whomever or whatever it may be, and being perpetually bitter about it and lashing out at other people is not a healthy choice. It will lead you to stay stuck in your misery.  That’s a life lesson the Incels could benefit from – not showing up to a church in hopes of getting a girlfriend, which is a band-aid solution.

Lastly, Williamson telling single men who want sex that they should try to accomplish this be getting married (by the way, marriage is more than just sex – it’s providing friendship and compansionship to another person), and at that by seeking Christian wives at a church, is really rowing against the tide.

I say this because Christian singles who admit to wanting to get married to Christian married people are frequently shamed by those married Christians: they will be told that wanting to get married is (Link): to make marriage into an idol  and is to be avoided.

Single adults are told by Christians that (Link): Jesus is their husband and to be content with Jesus only, and to stop taking steps to meet a spouse and to stop hoping or praying to receive a spouse (in spite of all those stupid and (Link): annoying Christian “God sent me my spouse at the beach” stories).

Singles are also told by other Christians that taking steps to get married – such as (Link): praying to God for a spouse, trying to meet other singles at church or using a dating site – is wrong and is to be avoided. Singles are taught by Christians to just pray and “trust in the Lord” for a spouse.

Churches and church people actually excel at keeping marriage-minded adult singles single indefinitely. Church might actually be one of the worst places for a single to try to meet another single in the hopes of marrying.


Related Posts:

(Link): No, Christians Do NOT Support or Idolize Virginity and Celibacy, they attack both)

(Link): Desire for Marriage is Idolatry?

(Link):  The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

(Link):  Pedophiles Seeking Christian Wives in Churches – Another Reason to be Leery of the “Equally Yoked” Idea and Reconsider Church as a Place to Meet Singles

(Link): Want To But Can’t – The One Christian Demographic Being Continually Ignored by Christians Re: Marriage

(Link):  Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice After All: Men in the “Friend Zone” Often Have A Hidden Agenda, Say Psychologists (Daily Mail article)

(Link):  Really, It’s Okay To Be Single – In order to protect marriage, we should be careful not to denigrate singleness – by Peter Chin 

(Link):   How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link): Christian Single Women: Another Example of Why You Should Abandon the “Be Equally Yoked” Teaching: 21-Y-O Christianity Student, Children’s Minister Charged With Murdering Fiancée He Was to Wed in August; Made It Look Like Suicide

(Link): Forget About Being ‘Equally Yoked’ – Article: ‘My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage’

(Link):   Consider The Source: Christians Who Give Singles Dating Advice Also Regularly Coach Wives to Stay in Abusive Marriages

(Link): Gender Complementarian Advice to Single Women Who Desire Marriage Will Keep Them Single Forever / Re: Choosing A Spiritual Leader

(Link):  China’s Brutal One-Child Policy Ruins Men’s Marriage Prospects, Resulting in Human Trafficking

(Link):  Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link): What Two Religions Tell Us About the Modern Dating Crisis (from TIME) (ie, Why Are Conservative Religious Women Not Marrying Even Though They Want to Be Married. Hint: It’s a Demographics Issue) 

(Link):  Dudes, Stop Putting Women in the Girlfriendzone

(Link):  Actually We Don’t Owe You Sex, and We Never Will by M. Donegan

(Link):  Single Adult Christian Pressured Into Marriage by Her Church – And Regrets It

(Link): ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’: A Loser’s Guide to Dealing with Rejection by The Guyliner

(Link):  Husband-Hunting is the Worst Part of a Christian Upbringing – Christianity Made Me Obsessed with Finding a Husband – by B. Ramos

(Link): How Christians Have Failed on Teaching Maturity and Morality Vis A Vis Marriage / Parenthood – Used as Markers of Maturity Or Assumed to be Sanctifiers

(Link): The Sexless Life When Sex Is God by D. French

(Link): Female Dragonflies Are Pretending to Die in Order to Avoid Irritating Males

(Link): I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse To Be A Virgin – (Secular Editorial Defends Virginity – More Rare Than a Unicorn Sighting)

(Link): Salon Author Amanda Marcotte Thinks Media Shouldn’t Judge Women’s Sexuality But She Has Mocked Women Over Their Sexual Choices Before (To Remain Virgins)

(Link):  Marcotte on Anyone Choosing To Be a Virgin Until Marriage: “It’s a Silly Idea” – What Progressive Christians, Conservative Christians, Non Christians, and Salon’s Amanda Marcotte Gets Wrong About Christian Views on Virginity

(Link):  Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer

(Link): Nice Guys – the bitter single men who complain women don’t like nice men

(Link): Most Pastors Say Their Churches Never Discipline Members for Sinful Misconduct, Survey Finds

(Link): When Adult Virginity and Adult Celibacy Are Viewed As Inconvenient or As Impediments

(Link): Pastors avoid ‘controversy’ to keep tithes up, author says – Confirms What I’ve Been Saying All Along, Re: Churches: Contrary to Progressive Christians, Churches / Christians Do Not Support or Idolize Sexual Purity, Virginity, or Celibacy – they attack these concepts when not ignoring them

(Link): Religious Dating Sites: More than Half of Users Surveyed Are OK with Premarital Sex (2014)

(Link): Why So Much Fornication – Because Christians Have No Expectation of Sexual Purity

(Link): Christians Who Attack Virginity Celibacy and Sexual Purity – and specifically Russell D. Moore and James M. Kushiner

(Link): Church Allows Pedophile To Lead Bible Studies, Hails Pedo as a “Hero” – Meanwhile, Many Churches  Refuse to Allow Celibate, Single Adults to Hold Any Sort of Leadership Positions

(Link): Aged Out of Church by M Van Loon (For Christians over the Age of 35 – 40)

(Link): Christians Advise Singles To Follow Certain Dating Advice But Then Shame, Criticize, or Punish Singles When That Advice Does Not Work

(Link): Six New Things Researchers Found Out About Single People in 2017 by B. DePaulo

(Link): How Christian Teachings on Marriage/ Singleness/ Gender Roles/ Dating Are Keeping Christian Singles Single

(Link):  Are Single People the Lepers of Today’s Church? by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link):  “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” – one of the most excellent Christian rebuttals I have seen against the Christian idolatry of marriage and natalism, and in support of adult singleness and celibacy – from CBE’s site

(Link):  Thirty Year Old Woman Kills Herself Due to Being Single and Childless – Churches contribute to this by either Ignoring adult singles or shaming them for being single and childless

(Link):  Research: Being Single [or Fear of Being Single] is a Meaningful Predictor of Settling for Less in Relationships

(Link): Typical Incorrect Conservative Christian Assumption: If you want marriage bad enough, Mr. Right will magically appear

(Link): Ever Notice That Christians Don’t Care About or Value Singleness, Unless Jesus Christ’s Singleness and Celibacy is Doubted or Called Into Question by Scholars?

(Link):  Christian Blogger About Divorce, Pastor Andrew Webb, Thinks All To Most Mid-Life Never – Married or Single – Again Adults Are Mal-Adjusted, Ugly Losers Who Have Too Much Baggage

(Link): According to Pastor ( Jimmy Evans ) It Takes One Man and Woman Married To Equal A Whole – so where does that leave Christian singles ? / Too Much Sex Talk

(Link):  Churches Would Rather Hear From Ex Porn Stars Than Adult Celibates or Virgins – Church Invites Ex Porn Star to be Guest Speaker

(Link): Slut-Shaming Is Bad—But The Overreaction Against It Also Hurts Women by J. Doverspike

(Link):  Stop Pretending Sex Never Hurts, By D.C. McAllister

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link):  Chris Harper Mercer (Oregon Gunman) Angry Over Being Single and A Virgin(Link):   Dude Writes to Miss Manners Advice Columnist: “Miss Manners: No one Ever Replies to Me on Dating Sites”

(Link): Bitter, Frustrated 22 Year Old Male Virgin and Member of Men’s Rights / PUA Groups Kills Several Women Because He Couldn’t Get Dates – what an entitled sexist doof

(Link):  Are You Ashamed of Biblical [Sexual] Purity? by J. Slattery

(Link):  WashPost Columnist: ‘Ghostbusters’ Haters Are ‘Virgin Losers’ – (via NewsBusters Site); Both the Right and Left Wing Get Some things Wrong About This

(Link):  Why We Should Stop Telling Teens The “Friend Zone” Exists by M. Mercado

(Link):   Some Atheists Are Just As Ignorant About Adult Singleness and Celibacy as Progressive Christians, Secular Feminists, and Protestant Evangelical or Conservative Christians

(Link): Editorial about Celibacy by Ed Shaw

(Link):  Hypocrisy: Secular Pundits Judge Christian Sexuality: Josh Duggar’s So-Called Vanilla Sexual Preferences Deemed Dull

(Link): A Critique of – 10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry by J. Lee Grady / And on Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

(Link): Does God Require Singles to Be Perfect Before He Will Send Them a Spouse

(Link):  Perverted Christian Married Couple Wants to “Wife Swap” (For Sex) With Other Christian Couple – Why Christians Need to Uphold Chastity / Celibacy For All People Even Married Couples Not Just Teens

(Link):  A Critique of – 10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry by J. Lee Grady / And on Christians Marrying Non Christians -and- Unrealistic, Too Rigid Spouse Selection Lists by Christians

(Link): Joanne The Widow Lady Wants to Know Why God Didn’t Answer Her Prayer to Keep her Husband With Her

(Link): Stop Believing God Told You to Marry Your Spouse by G. Thomas

(Link):   Depressing Testimony: “I Was A Stripper but Jesus Sent Me A Great Christian Husband”

(Link): Critique of: Why Single Men May Not Be Having the Most Fun by W. B. Wilcox (who tends to be a marriage idolater and anti-singles bigot)

(Link): Salvation By Marriage Alone – The Over Emphasis Upon Marriage by Conservative Christians Evangelicals Southern Baptists

(Link): The Holy Spirit Sanctifies a Person Not A Spouse – Weekly Christian Marriage Advice Column Pokes Holes in Christian Stereotype that Marriage Automatically Sanctifies People

(Link): The Myth of the Gift – Regarding Christian Teachings on Gift of Singleness and Gift of Celibacy

(Link): The Gift of Singleness – A Mistranslation and a Poorly Used Cliche’

(Link): Male Preacher Marries For First Time At Age 44

(Link): The Bible Calls Christians to Make Individual Disciples, Not to “Change Culture” Nor to Save, Redeem Culture Nor to Save or Promote Marriage or Manufacture Christianized Entertainment

(Link): The Bible Does Not Teach Christians to “Focus On The Family” – The Idolization of Family by American Christians (article)

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