Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating

Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating

What an interesting and informative letter to Dear Abby (I’ll get to the actual link and letter below, but I had some comments to make about it first).

It appears to me that the woman (who calls herself “Worn Out Wife”) married a classical Vulnerable Narcissist (sometimes also called a “Covert Narcissist” or a “shy” or “closeted” narcissist). The guy has all the usual traits for one.

From what I’ve read on the topic, when Narcissists of all varieties date someone, or are trying to win someone over (could also include a friend or co-worker, not just a romantic prospect for marriage), they start out trying to win you over – they will use what is called “love bombing,” mirroring, etc., and in the love bombing stage, they turn up the charm and fake compassion and fake kindness to a very high degree.

Narcissists of all types lack empathy, are highly entitled, rude, and abusive in private with those closest to them. (Well, that’s generally how it goes; not all narcissists exhibit or practice the same usual narcissistic patterns or behaviors as other narcissists.)

“Love Bombing” can appear different depending on the type of Narcissist we’re talking about, and sometimes a Narcissist with one predominant style – a Grandiose one, for example – may dabble in a few of the Covert Narcissistic type behaviors, or vice versa.

The Grandiose ones are known for being really charming upfront, while the love bombing of the Covert (Vulnerable) Narcissist usually involves them playing on and exploiting your empathy and heart strings by presenting themselves as a great big victim in life, whom everybody has hurt or let down at one time or another.

Early in a relationship (whether dating, friendship, or workplace) Vulnerable Narcissists will go on and on about all the heartaches and set backs they’ve experienced from their childhood into adulthood – they therefore get you to pity them and want to help, rescue, and save them – and at least initially in a relationship, the Vulnerable Narcissist will pretend to care deeply about your heartbreaks and pain in life.

(But Vulnerable Narcissists don’t really, truly care about your feelings or your problems – they only pretend to care in order to draw you into a relationship, and some do this to get you to share YOUR personal problems with them, so they can weaponize your shame, regrets, and vulnerabilities against you later.
They may occasionally pretend to care as a relationship drags on, if they are interested in holding on to you, so they may toss you the occasional “crumb” of empathy. But they don’t have any empathy for you and don’t genuinely care about your pain or problems).

(Getting you to pity and feel sorry for them also causes you to lower any normal boundaries you may usually have, and you let this toxic person into your life. Sociopaths and psychopaths also play at this same game.)

It sounds to me like this woman’s husband is predominantly a Vulnerable type of Narcissist but that he used more of the usual Love Bombing techniques of a Grandiose one while he was dating this lady.

Once they got married, though, he didn’t feel the need, or have the energy, to keep maintaining the false mask of “Mr. Charming,” “Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Kindness,” chucked all that aside, and only THEN (once he had her) allowed his true Vulnerable Narcissistic nature to appear,
which consists of a super sour, pessimistic, bitter, “negative nancy” attitude, with a huge side order of victim mentality, along with common Vulnerable Narcissistic behaviors of constantly complaining, joy killing, and constant fault finding (of a spouse, or whomever is closest to them privately).

And yes, as this woman says of her husband – he’s miserable – Vulnerable Narcissists are usually miserable people.

Vulnerable Narcissists truly, honestly think they have life harder than other people, they believe that God “picks on them” specifically, they believe that others haven’t had as many obstacles in life as they have had, they further believe that if only God, or people, had given them more chances and breaks in life, they could’ve been more successful.

Vulnerable Narcissists also tend to be jealous of other people – other people’s success, homes, marriages, beauty, achievements, etc.

Another thing I learned about Vulnerable Narcissists from reading works by psychologists who specialize in Narcissism is that they will only show interest in, or want to talk about, topics that are of interest to them personally.

If you try to bring up a topic that you’re “into,” but that the Vulnerable Narcissist is not, they find that boring and will usually ignore you and not have anything to say. They will either fade away, leave the room, or try to pivot the conversation on to a topic that they are interested in.

Vulnerable Narcissists only get interested and animated regarding topics that they’re already interested in themselves.

I certainly experienced that dynamic with (Link): an online ex-friend who seemed to be on the Vulnerable Narcissist spectrum (she also exhibited some of their other well known traits). I’ve also known a few other people in my life who’ve had the same, or similar, behaviors.

And no, no matter how hard you try to make the Vulnerable Narcissist happy, it’s never good enough.

Whether it’s with a Covert or a Grandiose, no matter how hard you try to win them over, make them happy, or appease or please them, they will always find something to nit pick about and criticize. They will sometimes move the goal posts, so you can never, ever win.

In her letter, the lady says this:

He has taken the things away from me that I love — flowers, gardening, pets, books, friends, etc.

I wish the letter writer had elaborated on that portion a little more, because I’m not totally sure what she means.

I have a few Narcissists in my own life, and I do know that once they find out what your hobbies are, or a goal or dream you have, they will mock it and make fun of it to the point (and the Vulnerable Narcissists may complain about it to the point) that you get rid of those hobbies, dreams, or goals.

You may find it easier to cave in to their wish that you stop doing X (whatever X is) then to listen to your Vulnerable Narcissist husband, boyfriend, sibling, or whomever it is, bitch, moan and gripe about the same thing repeatedly (whether it’s doing X or having a pet in the house or whatever it is),
until their non-stop complaining about it drives you nuts, and so you will do anything to get them to shut the hell up, to stop the complaining about it (I also went through that with the ex fiance of mine).

I’m not sure if that is what the letter writer was getting at or not.

Lastly, people should stop blaming women for marrying abusive or controlling men.

I’ve seen so many Christian preachers victim-blame women who write in for advice on Christian television shows (or podcasts, magazines, or blogs) on what to do about their abusive marriage, and many preachers will shame the woman and say,
“Didn’t you see what kind of man he was before you married? You should have. Now you’re stuck with him.”

The problem is that a lot of abusive people (including women, not just men) HIDE their true abusive natures while they’re dating.

This is also true in other areas. That is to say, if someone is a pathological Narcissist, they’re usually not going to advertise their Narcissistic attitudes and behaviors openly at church, friendships, or in jobs – they will only reveal their nasty behavior in private around a few select targets,
or, if they’re the leader in a church or boss at a job, where they know they are immune from consequences, they may openly emotionally and verbally abuse their staff, for instance.

But concerning marriage, most abusers conceal their controlling, constant fault finding, verbally abusive behavior (and other terrible tendencies) during the dating stage, and only allow it to show after they marry the person and/or know that the person they’re in a relationship is committed to them, is financially and/or socially dependent on them (many abusers isolate their targets from friends and family).

Most people are not going to walk freely, knowingly, willingly, and openly into a marriage to someone they can see and know is controlling, constantly critical, a user, or abusive.

If the abuser quite openly abused and behaved obnoxiously during the dating stage, no woman would ever marry these guys – that’s why abusers pour on the charm and hide the violence or psychological abuse until AFTER they marry.

This is very much a “bait and switch” phenomenon, where the Narcissist lies about who they are; the Narcissist presents upfront one way, while in the dating stage, but then differently, after the person is in their clutches.

As such, the Christians who still advocate for the “permanence of marriage” view, or ones similar (that don’t allow emotional abuse, for example, as a grounds for “biblical” divorce) are in error.

I don’t think most Christians have bothered to study Cluster B personality disorders or Narcissistic Abuse at all. Perhaps if more did, they’d be more open to re-interpreting the Bible and realizing God doesn’t expect anyone to stay married to an abuser until death.

And this is not a problem just in marriage – I don’t want to get into it too much here and now, but where abuse and mistreatment arises in the workplace or in friendships, Christians are also ignorant clowns who end up doing a lot of damage to targets.

For example, if you’re being bullied in your place of employment by a jerk, depending on the particular circumstances, it may be very counter-productive to take the usual, naive, un-workable Christian advice of “turn the cheek and pray for the enemy” towards your workplace bully.

The reality is, most bullies have to be stood up to. You cannot sit back, be passive, be loving to your workplace enemy, just pray that God removes the bully, and hope things just work out.

If you’re dealing with a “Cluster B” bully, the best way may be to go “grey rock” on that individual and then try to change jobs as fast as you can.

Here is the letter from the lady who seems to be married to what sounds an awful lot like a Vulnerable Narcissist:

📫📨📬📫

(Link): Dear Abby: I want to divorce my husband but he has cancer

by Dear Abby
January 24, 2023

DEAR ABBY:
My husband and I have been married for nine years. While we were dating, he was kind, considerate and loving.

After we married, he turned into a chronic complainer, something he later confessed he had been hiding while we dated.

He talks to me like I’m trash and then gets nice when he wants something.

Continue reading “Dear Abby – She Wants A Divorce From the Husband Who Hid His Vulnerable Narcissism (Emotional Abuse, Extreme Pessimism, Victim Mentality, etc) While They Were Dating”

President of Leading Trans Org Admits Social Contagion is Driving Surge in Kids Identifying as Transgender

President of Leading Trans Org Admits Social Contagion is Driving Surge in Kids Identifying as Transgender

(Link): President of leading trans org admits social contagion is driving surge in kids identifying as transgender

Excerpts:

Jan. 24, 2023
by Mia Ashton

The president of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) has admitted that social contagion is a factor in the dramatic increase in children and adolescents identifying as transgender.

Dr. Marci Bowers, a trans-identified male and president of the leading transgender health organization that pushes for affirmation and medical intervention for youth who believe themselves to be members of the opposite sex, made the comments in a recent interview with the (Link): New York Times.

“There are people in my community who will deny that there’s any sort of ‘social contagion’ — I shouldn’t say social contagion, but at least peer influence on some of these decisions,” Bowers told the New York Times. “I think that’s just not recognizing human behavior.”

This is not the first time Bowers has made such comments. In 2021, the celebrity gender surgeon who has performed more than 2,000 vaginoplasties acknowledged the possibility that the surge in teenage girls identifying as boys was a social trend.

“I think there probably are people who are influenced. There is a little bit of ‘Yeah, that’s so cool. Yeah, I kind of want to do that too’,” Bowers said in an interview with Abigail Shrier, author of Irreversible Damage.

This didn’t stop WPATH from removing all lower age requirements from its latest Standards of Care guidelines, nor did it cause the internationally respected transgender health group to reconsider advising clinicians to immediately affirm every child who declares a transgender identity.

Continue reading “President of Leading Trans Org Admits Social Contagion is Driving Surge in Kids Identifying as Transgender”

The Myth of the Career Woman by M. Notkin – Why Women Are Still Single in Their 30s and Older

The Myth of the Career Woman by M. Notkin

I’m a conservative, but I’ve been beyond fed up for years now at how so many other conservatives, as well as sexists of whatever variety, assume that the reason why most women are single past the age of 30 is because they chose career before marriage.

Along with that is the other annoying, very wrong, and sexist assumption by men online that all of us women who remain single past the age of 30 had lots and lots of “nice guys” who wanted to date us back in our 20s, but we coldly, cruelly turned them all down.

I don’t know what the hell those men are talking about, because I did not have lots and lots of men asking me out on dates when I was in my twenties.

But it’s simply not true that all women choose career over “marriage and family.”

Why aren’t men giving up careers to be stay at home fathers, taking care of children?

I never cared much one way or the other if I ever had children, but I had wanted to be married. And I’m not single because I “chose career over spouse.”

I have more observations about this essay below:

(Link): The Myth of the Career Woman by M. Notkin

The image of the single, childless “career woman” is drawn so sharply in our minds, so deeply ingrained in culture and overused in media, it obfuscates the real story. Contrary to popular belief, most working women are not putting their careers ahead of love, marriage and motherhood.

Never mind that there are no “career men” — no one accuses a single, childless man of prioritizing career over love and family just because he’s single and can pay the rent.

But women are made to wear this label — though I have yet to meet a woman who has declined a date with a guy she’s interested in because she’d rather be on a Zoom call.

While college-educated women are settling down and having children later than was once the case, the “career woman” is mostly a mid-century myth, an outlier like Mad Men’s Peggy Olson, who belongs to a time when women went to college to earn their “MRS” degree.

Continue reading “The Myth of the Career Woman by M. Notkin – Why Women Are Still Single in Their 30s and Older”

A Husband and Father Died on Thanksgiving After Flames Burst Over His Body When Hospital Staff Used Defibrillator Paddles – Wife Relied on Dead Husband’s Social Security

A Husband and Father Died on Thanksgiving After Flames Burst Over His Body When Hospital Staff Used Defibrillator Paddles   – Wife Relied on Dead Husband’s Social Security

 Being married and a father didn’t save this guy.

His wife is now alone again. Marriage didn’t ultimately make her happy or protect her from loss and stress.

Also, Complementarian Christians and anti-Feminist conservatives are in error to brainwash women into thinking they can or should always count on a husband to rescue them, pay their way, etc, because what happens if that married woman doesn’t have a career of her own, no savings, and her husband dies, and she was relying on his income or social security (as was the case here)?

I am a conservative, I’ve never been a feminist, but, I also do not buy into the usual sexist, backwards propaganda other conservatives push on to women about marriage and motherhood, either.

Other conservatives think the way to ‘own the libs’ on these issues is to stupidly go in the 180 degree (opposite) direction of neo-marxist, anti-motherhood feminist, and progressive views,
and then “double down” even more on marriage, natalism, and motherhood.

They’re actually creating more problems than they’re solving with that approach, but that is their comfort zone, and they seem determined to stick to it.

This woman, if she had a career of her own and savings, might not have fallen into this situation.
And Christian Patriarchists and Complementarians actually double down on this faulty approach of advising or pressuring women to be nothing but stay at home wives and mothers, leaving them with possibly no fall-back income by which to pay their bills, if their husband dies or leaves them.
It’s very unwise advice or an unwise way to approach life.

(Link): A Tennessee husband and father died on Thanksgiving after flames burst over his body when hospital staff used defibrillator paddles

by Katie Balevic
Sat, December 3, 2022

    • A Tennessee man died after he caught on fire while hospital staff used a defibrillator on him.
    • The man’s wife was in the room when her husband caught ablaze, telling WKRN that “it just blew up.”
    • The hospital system said they are reviewing the “functionality of equipment” following the incident.

A father died in Tennessee on Thanksgiving day after he caught on fire as hospital staff attempted to use a defibrillator on him.

Bobby Ray Stark was bedridden for seven years and relied on his wife of 35 years, Kathy Stark, for care, according to WKRN. He went to the hospital for a foot infection and bed sores last month was later transferred to TriStar Centennial, where he coded and staff tried to revive him with a defibrillator, Kathy told the outlet.

“Then they started the paddles, and it just blew up, everything,” Kathy told WKRN. “I saw that, and I just burst out.”

Kathy told the outlet that she watched the flames cover her husband’s body.

Continue reading “A Husband and Father Died on Thanksgiving After Flames Burst Over His Body When Hospital Staff Used Defibrillator Paddles – Wife Relied on Dead Husband’s Social Security”

Woman Claims Married Minister, Spiritual Counselor Suggested They Get Naked For Therapy: Lawsuit

Woman Claims Married Minister, Spiritual Counselor Suggested They Get Naked For Therapy: Lawsuit

Complementarian “male headship,” as taught by Complementarians is false, as many Christ-professing men are perverts, and God would not ask women to submit to perverts.

Secondly, note that this guy is married – marriage, contra “Focus On the Family,” Al Mohler, and other marriage- promoting Christian groups and persons – does not make a person godly, ethical, responsible, or mature.

Also: contra most old school Christian “how to get married” advice, God is not demanding that a person achieve a level of godliness or perfection before he will allow them a spouse. If God with-held spouses from people for being flawed, abusive, or perverted, this guy below would not have gotten married.

(Link): Woman claims minister, spiritual counselor suggested they get naked for therapy: lawsuit

Excerpts:

by Leonardo Blair
Dec 21, 2022

An Iowa woman has filed a lawsuit seeking compensation for emotional distress and negligence after a former minister at Lutheran Church of Hope in West Des Moines, who was also serving as her spiritual counselor, allegedly suggested they get naked in bed as a part of her counseling.

The woman, who The Christian Post has chosen not to identify at this time because of her claims that she is a victim of sexual misconduct, alleges in the lawsuit filed in Polk County District Court earlier this month that the actions of her former counselor, Asa Crow, went “beyond all possible bounds of decency.”

According to the lawsuit (Link): cited by the Des Moines Register, the woman claims she met with Crow for counseling several times in 2021 for “spiritual direction.”

During those meetings, she alleges that Crow, who got married in 2016, made escalating remarks about sexual health. She further claims that he eventually suggested her spiritual direction “may include sexual acts” after proposing that they undress and sit in each other’s laps in a bed.

Continue reading “Woman Claims Married Minister, Spiritual Counselor Suggested They Get Naked For Therapy: Lawsuit”

Married Pastor, Father of 3, Faces Prison Time For Sex (ie, Sexual Abuse) With Teenage Intern During Counseling – by L. Blair

Married Pastor, Father of 3, Faces Prison Time For Sex (ie, Sexual Abuse) With Teenage Intern During Counseling – by L. Blair

I’m grateful that the site or reporter mentioned that this guy is a MARRIED FATHER. Too often in culture – especially among Christians – there’s an assumption that single adults are perverts, when, quite often, these news reports of perverts are married perverts, and sometimes, these married perverts have biological children of their own.

This guy is so gross for 50 different reasons, some of which are, that he groomed and sexually abused these kids in churches – during counseling sessions. Lord. So nasty.

Also note: marriage and parenthood did NOT make this man more godly, mature, ethical, or responsible (as so many hyper pro Nuclear Family conservatives and Christians teach), and no, obviously, since this pervert got a spouse, God is NOT keeping spouses from single adults until they achieve some level of godliness or perfection.

(Link): Married pastor, father of 3 faces up to 35 years in prison for sex with teenage intern during counseling 

Excerpts:

by Leonardo Blair
December 19, 2022

A married Minnesota pastor and father of three is facing up to 35 years in prison and $90,000 in fines for allegedly having felonious sex multiple times with a teenage intern during counseling sessions at his former church.

Investigator Shawn Bohnen of the Sleepy Eye Police Department declared in a probable cause affidavit filed in Brown County Court that from about October 2019 through February 2020, Pastor Nathan Van Alfred Luong, 36, engaged in a sexual relationship with his underage victim multiple times while he counseled her at Trinity Lutheran Church.

Under Minnesota Law, members of the clergy can be charged with criminal sexual conduct in the third degree if a complainant is not their spouse and sexual penetration occurred during a meeting where the complainant sought or received religious spiritual advice, aid or comfort from the perpetrator.

Continue reading “Married Pastor, Father of 3, Faces Prison Time For Sex (ie, Sexual Abuse) With Teenage Intern During Counseling – by L. Blair”

Wife Asks If It Is Okay To Warn Husband That She Will Leave Him If He Becomes More Obese – Yes, Complementarians, Women Are Visually Oriented Too!

Wife Asks If It Is Okay To Warn Husband That She Will Leave Him If He Becomes More Obese – Yes, Complementarians, Women Are Visually Oriented Too!

Not only will many people find too much excess weight horrible to look at, but being overweight can result in life-shortening medical conditions.

The thinner spouse may end up being the “care taker” to the fat spouse – that is not a role I would want for myself.

A lot of women are visually oriented and care about what a man looks like, but Christian Gender Complementarians have un-biblical, incorrect teachings and assumptions that God “wired” men to be visual, that women only care about “emotional connection” and not what a guy looks like – FALSE!

Women DO CARE about what their male partner looks like.

The woman in the following example says she “doesn’t care” about what her husband looks like, but she isn’t quite clear on this point, because she says when they first met, her spouse lifted weights regularly and stayed in shape – I am not clear if she means she was okay with the way he looked initially, but now she’s not, or what.

(Link): Wife Asks If It Is Okay To Warn Husband That She Will Leave Him If He Becomes More Obese

by Jurgita Dominauskaitė and Saulė Tolstych
Dec 2022

The traditional vow the bride and the groom give one another goes something like this: “I take you to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death.”

But what if you are really annoyed that your spouse is getting sick and they aren’t doing anything to prevent it when they can?

Is that enough of a reason to leave them? This woman online asks the internet if she would be unreasonable to threaten to divorce her husband if he became morbidly obese.

More info: Mumsnet [I want to tell my husband I will divorce him if he gains a lot more weight]

Woman noticed her husband has been gaining weight and wants to tell him that if he ends up like his dad, she will leave him

The Original Poster (OP) has a father-in-law who is morbidly obese and has so much excess weight that he finds it hard to walk. This concept is hard for the woman to wrap her head around as she likes to be active and couldn’t imagine doing that to one’s body.

Continue reading “Wife Asks If It Is Okay To Warn Husband That She Will Leave Him If He Becomes More Obese – Yes, Complementarians, Women Are Visually Oriented Too!”

Bentley-Driving Accused Cult Leader Has 20 Wives as Young as Age 9, Possibly Married Own Daughter, FBI Alleges

Bentley-Driving Accused Cult Leader Has 20 Wives as Young as Age 9, Possibly Married Own Daughter, FBI Alleges

Christian Complementarianism could be used to justify this nasty behavior discussed in this news article below.

Complementarianism also has a lot in common with the sexist views of women and marriage as found in Islam and Mormonism.

All of this should cause Christian Complementarians to take pause and realize how un-biblical their gender ideology is, but they are reluctant to do that.

Let this be yet another example in opposition to the usual conservative propaganda: marriage and parenthood do NOT make people more ethical, godly, responsible, or loving.

(Link): Polygamist ‘prophet’ accused of marrying 20 women and girls, including his own daughter, hauling some of them around in windowless trailer with bucket for toilet

by Isabel Keane
Dec 4, 2022

An Arizona polygamist cult leader has been accused of marrying more than 20 women, most under the age of 15 — reportedly including his own daughter.

An FBI affidavit filed Friday in Washington, and obtained by the Salt Lake Tribune. contains horrifying accusations against Samuel Rappylee Bateman, 46, of incest, group sex acts involving adults and children– some as young as 9 — and child sex trafficking.

(Link):  Arizona polygamist cult leader Samuel Bateman had 20 wives, most under age 15 

(Link): Bentley-driving Arizona ‘Mormon prophet’ had TWENTY wives as young as nine including his own daughter, FBI says – and drove them around in a TRAILER with a bucket for a toilet

Dec 4, 2022

An Arizona polygamist cult leader had 20 wives aged as young as nine, married his own daughter, and drove his spouses around in a trailer with a bucket for a toilet, it is claimed.

A new FBI affidavit has revealed shocking allegations against Bentley-driving Samuel Rappylee Bateman, 46, who was arrested in Arizona earlier this year.

Samuel Rappylee Bateman, 46, is accused by witnesses of ‘marrying’ up to 20 women and girls as young as nine, including his own daughter, according to the affidavit filed on Friday, the Salt Lake Tribune reported.

(Link): Bentley-driving accused cult leader has 20 wives as young as age 9, possibly married own daughter, FBI alleges

Samuel Rappylee Bateman allegedly trafficked women, girls across state lines
by Danielle Wallace
Dec 4, 2022

The FBI is accusing a 46-year-old Arizona alleged polygamist cult leader of having 20 wives, many of whom were underage — as young as 9 years old — and of possibly marrying his own daughter.

The wives were allegedly trafficked across state lines in a trailer — forced to use a bucket as a toilet — while the self-proclaimed prophet drove two Bentleys while pushing failed business ventures in real estate and goal coaching.

Continue reading “Bentley-Driving Accused Cult Leader Has 20 Wives as Young as Age 9, Possibly Married Own Daughter, FBI Alleges”

Shocking Moment Woman, 18, is Carried Away in ‘Bride-Stealing’ by Russian Man After She Refused to Marry Him

Shocking Moment Woman, 18, is Carried Away in ‘Bride-Stealing’ by Russian Man After She Refused to Marry Him

Another example of an infinite number of why Christian Complementarian “Male Headship” is a bunch of sexist, anti-biblical garbage and Toxic Masculinity is true:

(Link): Shocking moment woman, 18, is carried away in ‘bride-stealing’ by Russian man after she refused to marry him

Excerpts:

by Will Stewart
Nov 29, 2022

A shocking video shows how an 18-year-old woman was ‘kidnapped by a Russian man and his family’ after she refused to marry him.

Bella Ravoyan is seen being carried out of an apartment block in the city of Tambov by two men.

She was abducted after celebrating her 18th birthday by the man she rejected – named as Amik Shamoyan, 20 – along with his father, Oganes, 48, and brother Alo, 24 – according to law enforcement.

The woman was taken to the Nizhny Novgorod region, evidently to force her to agree to a wedding.

After several days, the woman – reported missing by her father – escaped and went to police, say reports.

Continue reading “Shocking Moment Woman, 18, is Carried Away in ‘Bride-Stealing’ by Russian Man After She Refused to Marry Him”

Pathologies of Victimhood by R. Gunderman – The Danger of Victimhood Mentality

Pathologies of Victimhood by R. Gunderman – The Dangers of Victimhood Mentality

I wanted to explain a few things before I paste in excerpts from the article about victimhood by Gunderman, so nobody will misunderstand my views upfront.

I do think there are actual victims out there in life, including in the Christian church context. I am not denying that.

I recognize that sometimes painful or unfair things happen to all of us in life, and sometimes those painful things are due to other people’s cruelty, incompetence, negligence, or sins against us, and not due to any personal moral failings or choices we make.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people through no fault of those people. One can be more sinned against than sinner.

A few years ago, there was a guy on Twitter with several accounts (he seemed to be a Christian), all of which were disgustingly used to mock victims of church abuse or of sexual abuse whose churches tried to cover up the abuse.

I think he later deleted these accounts, or his accounts received so many complaints from others that Twitter deleted them all.

One of his Twitter accounts used the name “Victim Princess,” as if to suggest that any and all women who spoke out against abuse they received by their churches or by Christians was nothing but entitled, petty whining with no merit. I was appalled by his account.

This guy would do things like actually tweet rude or nasty comments at Christian women on Twitter who discussed how their church covered up their abuse by other church members.

Politically, I am a conservative, and I do not agree with the vast majority of liberal or progressive “woke,” intersectional identity politics, which is largely based on victimhood mentality.

In progressive identity politics, different identity groups end up competing for “who is the most oppressed and biggest victim in life,” which creates (not solves) all sorts of problems.

However, while I do think that the “woke” go over-board with their grievance culture mentality, that does not mean that people who complain about having been hurt in life are always lying, exaggerating, or trying to get special accommodations.

Out of Knee Jerk Dislike of Wokeness, Among Other Factors, Sadly, Too Often, Too Many Conservatives Minimize Actual Abuse

While some progressives over-play the “victim card” to exploit and manipulate others, it is still wrong for conservatives to deny, minimize, or to reject altogether that churches do usually cover up sexual abuse in their midst or by their members.

It is wrong for conservatives to fail to acknowledge the reality that most pastors and churches do in fact fail domestic abuse victims and constantly enable abusers.

I do think that most churches are insensitive and incompetent at handling abuse among their members, and that should change.

There is such a thing as a victim. People can be exploited, hurt, and abused by other people – that is not something that “woke” liberals and progressives are making up.

I’m a conservative who has been taken advantage of and bullied through my life by school mates, my ex fiance, siblings, co-workers on jobs, etc., and this through no fault of my own.

Victims do actually exist.

Conservatives can and have been abused and mistreated on an individual and group level, whether by liberal and progressive persons and policies, or by their spouses or bosses on jobs.

At one time or another, we’ve all been bullied, abused, harassed, exploited, or on the receiving end of rude or cutting comments, regardless of our identity or political beliefs.

It is therefore unrealistic and cruel for conservatives to act like any and every person who claims victim status is a sensitive snowflake or is lying about it.

Flip Side of Coin: People Who Choose to Stay in Victimhood Status (yes, it’s ultimately a choice), Refuse to Move Forward

However, I have seen people, and groups of people, who – whether they are actual victims or not – wallow in victimhood status and victimhood mentality, and this is not acceptable, either.

Some of those still participating in the “exvangelical” (ex-evangelical) tag over on Twitter in 2022, which has been going on for several years now, are one example of this.

I’ve seen so many people, under that “exvangelical” tag,  as well as non-ex-evangelical people I once befriended online,
or people (including family members I’ve had, real life friends and co-workers) who may have been honestly victimized and wounded in childhood or adulthood, but they remain “stuck” in their rage, anger, and hurt – they still think of themselves as victims, and they want to be viewed as victims.

They want to be endlessly coddled and validated.

These are people who are very resistant to, or who refuse to take, the only avenue out of the pain, regret, anger, and disappointment and into joy, peace, and happiness – which includes, after a period of grieving and anger (that comes to an end and does not go on indefinitely),

  • accepting, once for all, what happened to them,
    realizing that remaining focused on external causes and other people (ie, their abuser or abusive church) is keeping them “stuck,”
  • to make a deliberate decision at some point to move forward, whether they “feel like it” or not
    (i.e., to no longer stew in anger, to ruminate, stew in past wrongs done against them, to dwell on how life is unfair, to dwell upon the idea they are a good person who didn’t deserve the abuse, etc),
  • to realize in order to change their life for the better, they will have to look inwards,
    which will allow them to get to the next healing point…
  • take personal responsibility for their life, healing,
    and realize if you want your life to change,
    you will have to get active and make changes yourself
    – sitting around all day doing things like watching TV or complaining to people on social media about how life, your former church, God, or your abuser, treated you so unfairly
    (even if any and all those things are in fact true, ie, you WERE treated horribly and unfairly)
    – won’t ultimately help you in the long run, it won’t make the necessary changes;
    complaining frequently, and receiving validation that, yes, what happened to you was horrible and wrong, and yes, you were a victim who didn’t deserve abuse, will only offer temporary emotional relief but will not produce long lasting inner peace and happiness

Stewing in anger, hurt, and regret and enjoying or wanting to receive validation that one did not deserve to be abused, is all but a step in the overall journey of healing.
It is the first step… but too many victims want to stay in Step One forever and ever, rather than moving through the rest of the steps.

Yes, there should be time limits on how long you are angry, ruminating, and upset and wanting to receive validation – a lot of therapists and victims (and former victims) get upset when this view point is stated, but it’s true.

Maybe that time limit is different for each victim and should not be rushed – which is fine.

HOWEVER, I do not support any person staying mired in “victimhood land” perpetually.

Staying in step one – never getting over or past the anger and hurt, refusing to let go or from even considering to do so, being addicted to external validation like it’s a drug one craves and needs – is one huge component of what keeps people trapped in depression, anger, pain, and from enjoying the rest of their life.

If you feel perpetually wounded, hurt, or angry, as long as you keep shifting blame towards those outside you (even if yes, those others deserve that blame), as long as you continue to dwell on being angry at your abuser, at God, life circumstances, or former churches that treated you like trash, you’ll never be able to move on and enjoy life again.

You have to look inwards in order to move forward, and that is a choice one has to make, because it won’t instantaneously happen.

Furthermore, your emotions will never magically change on their own; you will never “feel” like getting up, making changes, and moving forward. It’s a matter or choice and self discipline.

So if your mindset is, “I will make changes and move on when I feel like it, when my emotions change,” that is never going to happen.

Moving on is more a matter of will.

While I do think there are actual victims out there (and anti-woke conservatives need to be sensitive to these persons),
I’m also aware of legitimate victims who cannot or who refuse to move on,

-and there are persons with Covert or Vulnerable Narcissism (a personality disorder – more about that on this blog (Link): here and (Link): here), a hallmark of which is holding a life-long self-pitying, victimhood mentality – these people, of their own accord, are mired in depression and misery of their own making, because they refuse to look inwards and take personal responsibility.

Covert Narcissists, for one, prefer to point the finger of blame for their misery at their family of origin, God, and / or their former church, ex-spouses, and so on. They never want to look at how their attitudes or actions keep them in a limited, unhappy situation.

Sorry for that very long intro, but I didn’t want anyone to get to the following link and excerpts and think by posting it that I am in denial that yes, at times in life, sometimes people have legitimate pain and grievances and can be honest to goodness victims.

I do believe there are honest- to- goodness victims out there and that these victims deserve compassion, empathy, and justice,
but – however –
I am also aware that, unfortunately, some people, whether legitimate victim or not, will milk and exploit a “victim” label to lash out at others, to demand special treatment (at the expense of others), and that  clinging to a “victim” identity and view of themselves will cause them to remain stuck in unhappiness.

I have more commentary below this link with excerpts:

Pathologies of Victimhood – the Essay

(Link): Pathologies of Victimhood by R. Gunderman – Victimhood Mentality

Excerpts:

by Richard Gunderman
November 13, 2022

[Piece opens by discussing the late Sacheen Littlefeather, who claimed to be a Native American but who was actually of Mexican descent. She wanted to be viewed as a Native American to depict herself as an undertrodden member of a victim class.
As someone who actually is part Native American, I don’t view myself as a victim, so I find her ploy strange]

…Everyone has experienced genuine victimization at some point in their lives. Some have been the victims of political persecution and violent assault, while others have suffered lesser slights, such as bullying, verbal insults, and interruptions when speaking.

Most of us have also experienced situations where presumed victimhood stemmed from a mistaken assumption—for example, a driver who “cut off” a fellow motorist by abruptly changing lanes might appear to harbor malicious intent, but it might turn out that he was merely attempting to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to be with an ailing loved one.

Some among us, however, have a habit of adopting a posture of victimhood too easily and too often, a tendency that can damage communities, interpersonal relationships, and supposed victims themselves.

Continue reading “Pathologies of Victimhood by R. Gunderman – The Danger of Victimhood Mentality”

Husband Is Jailed for Life for Pushing His Seven- Month Pregnant Wife to Her Death From a Cliff After Posing for a Selfie With Her on 1,000Ft-High Ledge

Husband Is Jailed for Life for Pushing His Seven- Month Pregnant Wife to Her Death From a Cliff After Posing for a Selfie With Her on 1,000Ft-High Ledge

Does marriage and/or parenthood make a person more godly, loving, responsible and ethical than staying single and/or childless? No, no it does not, contrary to all the hyper-pro-marriage-nuclear family talking points that many conservatives pump out – another example below.

(Link): Turkish man jailed for life for pushing pregnant wife off cliff

Oct 28, 2022

A man will spend the rest of his life behind bars after he pushed his pregnant wife off a cliff so he could collect a life insurance policy.

…He had lured his wife – who was afraid of heights – to the edge of the 304-meter cliff on the pretense of taking a selfie, but then pushed her over.

A court heard how he committed the horrific act, which took place in June 2018, amid a twisted plot where he took out life insurance on her behalf worth $25,000, which he quickly claimed after her death.

(Link): Husband is jailed for life for pushing his seven-month pregnant wife to her death from a cliff after posing for a selfie with her on 1,000ft-high ledge

October 27, 2022
by Chris Pleasance

A husband who pushed his heavily pregnant wife to her death from a cliff [located in the nation of Turkey] so he could collect a life insurance policy has been jailed for life.

Hakan Aysal, 40, was told Tuesday that he must serve at least 30 years before he can be considered for release by judges at Fethiye High Criminal Court, southern Turkey.

The court had previously heard that Aysal pushed wife Semra, 32, off a 1,000ft cliff in Butterfly Valley, a beauty spot around 10 miles south of Fethiye, in June 2018.

Aysal had lured his wife – who was afraid of heights – to the edge of the cliff on the pretense of taking a selfie before shoving her over. He then tried to pocket a £40,000 insur

Continue reading “Husband Is Jailed for Life for Pushing His Seven- Month Pregnant Wife to Her Death From a Cliff After Posing for a Selfie With Her on 1,000Ft-High Ledge”

No Red Flags: Woman Discusses Discovering Her Seemingly Normal, Loving Husband was a Sexual Manipulator who Committed Adultery Many Times (podcast)

No Red Flags: Woman Discusses Discovering Her Seemingly Normal, Loving Husband was a Sexual Manipulator who Committed Adultery Many Times (podcast)

I listened to part one of this podcast (I guess there is a part two), and the woman interviewed (Jennifer) says she knew her husband (Spencer) for a few years and dated him for one before marrying him.

She said both before and after she married him, he seemed like a genuinely loving, caring person. She never had a clue that the guy was online or manipulating 20-something college students at his job for sex, but that is what he did.

Part one of this podcast is about 35 minutes long. I will see if I can find part two, and if so, I will link to that one as well.

Even though there may not always be red flags in a dating relationship (or in co-workers at jobs you have, or in friendships), it still pays to study these personality disorders and learn what the red flags are, because a lot of these warped or selfish individuals do in fact exhibit red flags.

You can still avoid a lot of jerks, emotional vampires, and abusers because a lot of them do exhibit red flags. Certainly not all, but quite a few do.

I want to emphasize that you can run across toxic people in ALL areas of life, NOT JUST IN DATING OR MARRIAGE!

You can suffer almost as much as, or the same amount, of stress and damage from a toxic boss or toxic friend or toxic sibling or toxic parent as you can from a toxic boyfriend or toxic husband or toxic wife.

My one pet peeve with 99% of discussion online among abuse survivors or psychologists about toxic people is that they regularly feature discussion of dating or romance.

Well, I have never been married (though I was engaged to a selfish guy and broke up with him), but I have had issues over the course of my life with being swindled or bullied by toxic co-workers in workplaces or with verbally abusive, toxic siblings, etc etc.

People who discuss abuse online need to expand beyond discussing unhealthy people only in the parameters of dating and marriage. Believe me, you can (and will) be hosed, abused, and used by non-romantic partners in life, not just boyfriends or wives or husbands.

If I accidentally linked to the incorrect episodes below, you can search for the correct links on the (Link): main podcast title page, “Navigating Narcissism,” on iHeart.

(Link – to podcast, via iHeart (also available on Apple and other platforms)): Secrets of a Narcissist w/ Betrayal Podcast hosts Jenifer Faison and Andrea Gunning Pt. 1 – approx 35 minutes long

October 5, 2022 (description of episode):

Jenifer Faison and Andrea Gunning of Betrayal Podcast join Dr. Ramani to discuss Jen’s marriage to her college sweetheart. What she thought was rekindled romance, led to the most shocking discovery when her husband’s dark secrets were revealed by the police.

Listen to Part 1 of 2 episodes, to learn how Jenifer and Andrea came to collaborate and create their podcast, Betrayal  and how Jen overcame this incredibly difficult moment in her life.

Part 2:

(Link – to podcast on iHeart): Secrets of a Narcissist w/ Betrayal Podcast hosts Jenifer Faison and Andrea Gunning Pt. 2 – 46 minutes long

Oct 13, 2022

Jenifer Faison and Andrea Gunning of Betrayal Podcast continue to share their story in part 2 of their episode. Dr. Ramani, Jenifer and Andrea dive deeper into how Jen dealt with Spencer’s lovers.

Continue reading “No Red Flags: Woman Discusses Discovering Her Seemingly Normal, Loving Husband was a Sexual Manipulator who Committed Adultery Many Times (podcast)”