Singles and the Church: Sidelined or Sanctified? by L. Hunter

Singles and the Church: Sidelined or Sanctified? by L. Hunter

I did not agree with, or like, all comments or views in this editorial.

(Link):  Singles and the Church: Sidelined or Sanctified? by L. Hunter


  • There is no shortage of challenges for those who have not felt a divine call to singleness and are hopeful that they will find a marriage partner.
  • “For a lot of singles, there are waves,” remarks Fabienne Harford, a single woman in her 30s from Austin, Texas. “First, there’s the out-of-college wave, then the 20s wave, then the 30s wave. It’s like you’re out in the water paddling around on the surfboard wondering, ‘Did I miss that last wave?’ The older you get, the harder it becomes to fight the enemy’s lies. People ask, ‘Do you want to be single?'”
  • Harford has been tempted to feel like an outsider within church culture.

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Should a Christian Try Online Dating and Other Insights Into the Single Life by J. Justice

Should a Christian Try Online Dating and Other Insights Into the Single Life

Well, goodness knows that the ‘pray, wait, have faith, and attend a local church’ advice to get a spouse has not worked for myself or boatloads of Christian single women.

The article also addresses how singles should not put their lives on hold until they marry, and other things.

(Link):  Should a Christian Try Online Dating and Other Insights Into the Single Life


  • by J. Justice
  • Thirty-six year-old  (Link): Mandy Hale says she’s determined to live her best life now, even without the man the church always seems to think she needs.
  • Throw her age in with the fact that she works from home and in the church there are “like 98 percent amazing, single women and 2 percent single guys,” Hale is taking a stand for singles.
  • “I feel like singles—we fall through the cracks,” Hale says. “Once you get past a certain point, you have (ministries to) college age, singles, you know, young careers. But I’m 36 now, I don’t feel 36, it’s kind of like at certain age, stick out like a sore thumb.”

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Please Stop Shaming Me for Being Single by J. Vadnal

Please Stop Shaming Me for Being Single by J. Vadnal

I first spotted a link to this via Bella DePaulo’s Twitter account.

(Link): Please Stop Shaming Me for Being Single by J. Vadnal


  • … “Even today, there’s truth to the idea that women get validation by being in a relationship,” says Rachel Hills, author of The Sex Myth. “If you’re single, it’s seen as a problem to be fixed.”
  • After that, I began to notice it everywhere. My exclusion from couples-only dinners. A married-with-kids friend implying that a second glass of vino was a wild night for her but for me every night was a drinkfest. Invites to weddings arriving without “and Guest” next to my name. Because I’m single, I’m made to feel bad about it.

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Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer

Jesus Christ Removed the Stigma, Shame From Being Single and Childless – by David Instone Brewer



(Link): Blogger Guy John Morgan Who Accused Me Of Being Untrustworthy Finds My Blog Trustworthy Enough to Use as Resource


These are just excerpts, so you’ll have to visit the link here to read the page in full:

(Link): Bible Scandals (Ineligible Bachelor) by David Instone-Brewer

Commenting on what it was like to be single in the time and culture of Jesus:

  • …. Girls were mostly married by the age of twelve, and if a man wasn’t married by the age of twenty the gossips started comparing notes and looking for a reason.
  • …. So why was Jesus still single at the age of thirty? It was clear to all who knew him. No-one would let his daughter marry someone of questionable parentage since, if there was any irregularity in their birth, it could cast doubt on the legitimacy of their children for ten generations. And Jesus’ birth, as everyone knew, was very irregular.
  • …. Jesus not only shared the stigma of being single – he also tried to do something to alleviate it for other single people. Jewish law excused eunuchs from the command to marry, because they couldn’t physically fulfil the duty to have children.

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Time to End ‘Nuclear Family Privilege’ – Let’s Overcome Irrational Nostalgia for a Version of Family Long Since Transformed

Time to End ‘Nuclear Family Privilege’ – Let’s Overcome Irrational Nostalgia for a Version of Family Long Since Transformed

This site appears to be pretty left wing. I am right wing, but I agree with many of the left’s criticisms about the right’s preoccupation with the nuclear family.

(Link): Time to End ‘Nuclear Family Privilege’ – Let’s Overcome Irrational Nostalgia for a Version of Family Long Since Transformed by M. Birdsong


  • We’re finally talking about stressed, toxic work worlds, but in a way that benefits wealthy, traditional families.
  • On Sunday, (Link): Anne-Marie Slaughter took to the New York Times to persuasively indict the toxic, anxiety-producing expectations of the modern workplace. It’s the product, she argues, of an “antiquated and broken” system, and it simultaneously hinders America’s competitiveness and the ability for us all to care for our families.

  • Says Slaughter: “We used to have [an infrastructure of care]; it was called women at home.” Slaughter argues that “a workplace designed for the ‘Mad Men’ era, for ‘Leave It to Beaver’ families in which one partner does all the work of earning an income and the other partner does all the work of turning that income into care” is holding all of us back.

  • …There has been an explosion in the diversity of family structures in the U.S. over the last several decades, much of it the result of delayed and declining marriage rates and higher nonmarital birthrates. Forty-one percent of babies born in the U.S. today have parents who are not married, and among millennials, it’s over half.
  • The traditional family, which dominated for just over a decade, wasn’t replaced by one kind of family, but by many kinds of families. Unlike in the early ’60s, today, there is no single-family arrangement that encompasses the majority of children.
  • More individuals live alone, there are more families with married parents who are both employed, more single-parent homes, children living with grandparents, children living with unmarried, cohabitating parents, and households composed of people who are not biologically related or legally bound. Family diversity is the new normal.
  • But despite these trends, the nuclear family is still favored with the most esteemed cultural visibility, still seen as “normal,” “good” and ideal. Divorce is generally seen as failure, cohabitating and raising kids without being married invites the assumption that there is a barrier to marriage, single-parents—especially teenagers, poor people, and/or people of color—are shamed for their “moral failing,” and if you’re an adult older than 35, single, and childfree, everyone from your friends to your bus driver is wondering when you’re going to “settle down.”

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Advent of the Virgin Births: Women who Have Never Been in a Relationship Paying £5,000 to Get Pregnant

Advent of the Virgin Births: Women who Have Never Been in a Relationship Paying £5,000 to Get Pregnant

This article says that this practice has critics. Oh good lord. My fellow conservatives, and a lot of Christians, whine and moan about women such as myself, who never married or who never had kids.

One staple of Christian gender complementarianism is to teach men and women (but especially women) that their “highest calling in life” is to become a parent (mother).

So, you get really marginalized in their world if you don’t have a kid – whether due to choice, infertility, or what some term situational infertility (ie, the women never met the right guy).

But here you have women who are virgins who are getting pregnant via IVF or by whatever method, and they are still getting criticized.

Like I said in an earlier post, (Link): no matter how you slice it, no matter what you do – if you have kids or don’t have kids, or if you say, have kids at age 35 or 45, or, say, only have one kid or have 15 kids, Christians and conservatives will criticize you for it.

If you use birth control, they will criticize you for that, or for what type of birth control you use.

There is no winning, no matter what life choices you make, or no matter what circumstances you find yourself in.

Conservatives and Christians practically demand that all women become mothers, but becoming a mother is not good enough – no no no. You must only become a mother in a manner in which THEY APPROVE.

Some religious guy is quoted in this article as saying IVF turns women into nothing more than breeding machines – but Islam and conservative Christianity already treat women as though they are nothing more than breeding machines. Conservative Christians certainly have no respect for virgin (childless) women who are over the age of 25 / 30.

Conservative religious types also penalize women who have a child outside of marriage – I have blogged a few times before about Jewish or Christian employers who have FIRED women from their jobs who had sex prior to marriage, who became pregnant (like (Link): this story, for example).

Religious types punish women coming and going for having kids, for not having kids, or, if they do have a kid, for WHEN they have a kid, and if they do it with a man or alone  (ie, IVF).

Concerning marital status and child bearing, there is NO WINNING with these people, outside a very narrow set of parameters that are not possible for every woman to meet (i.e, getting married to a great guy by one’s mid 20s and then having a kid before the age of 30 with said husband).

Notice that someone in this article, Daws, associates having sex with being a full adult. She assumes, quite condescendingly, that virgins are incapable of knowing or having maturity or are capable of forming close bonds with another human being. Daws is incorrect. A person does not have to have sex with another person to be mature or capable of bonding. To suggest otherwise is deeply insulting.

(Link): Advent of the virgin births: Women who have never been in a relationship paying £5,000 to get pregnant

  • by Rachel Ellis
  • At least 25 straight women who’ve never had sex have given birth via IVF
  • Four British firms known to have helped the women with £5,000 treatment
  • Doctors say women often don’t want to wait for their ideal man
  • Critics have said the practice undermines process of motherhood 
  • Dozens of young heterosexual women have had virgin births after undergoing IVF in Britain, The Mail on Sunday can reveal.
  • Some are using the £5,000 fertility treatment to bypass the need to involve a man, and others so that they can save themselves for a ‘special relationship’.
  • Doctors said last night at least 25 straight women had given birth in the past five years despite being virgins. But campaigners for the traditional family said the ‘distorted’ move turned babies into little more than ‘teddy bears’ to be ‘picked off the shelf’.
  • Religious groups said it undermined the importance of bringing up children in a stable marriage, while a leading psychotherapist warned that having a mother who had never been in a relationship could harm a child’s development.

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Christian Patriarchalists and Gender Complementarians Sexualizing the Trinity and Insisting Sexual Activity and Marriage Are Necessary to Fully Know God (via Under Much Grace blog)

Christian Patriarchalists and Gender Complementarians Sexualizing the Trinity and Insisting Sexual Activity is Necessary to Fully Know God (via Under Much Grace blog)

There was actually a book by some Christian authors some time ago who quoted works by other Christian authors who suggest that to truly and completely know God, a person has to be married and having sex with a spouse. Of course, if you are a virgin into your 30s and older, this is a problematic view – as well as being bizarre, unbiblical, and ridiculous.

At Under Much Grace blog, Cynthia Kunsman wrote a series of blog posts about that issue as well, and related ones, such as the Christian gender complementarian tendency to sexualize the Trinity – yes, God Himself.

I will only copy a portion or two from Under Much Grace blog; please click the link below to visit Mrs. Kunsman’s blog to read the entire thing.

On the blog page I am linking you to here, there are links to five more pages on her blog. She has broken up her writing on this topic into a series of posts.

(Link):  Tim Keller, Sex, and Eternal Submission Doctrine: Summing up the Sexualization of the Trinity with Shirley Taylor (the introductory post), by Cynthia Kunsman


 Further down that (Link): main page, Mrs. Kunsman has a handy-dandy chart you might want to check out, and she introduces it by saying,
  • Here’s a chart of the development of these doctrines which are further explored in the posts in this series

Here is are just a handful of excerpts from a few of the other pages in the series:

  • Shirley Taylor responds to this statement in her book Dethroning Male Headship in the discussion of the “Sexualization of the Trinity”:

Salvation by faith has been replaced

They have made the marriage bed into God’s grand design and demoted salvation by faith into a secondary design. But salvation for the Church Body was God’s grand design, not the marriage bed. Procreation was part of God’s grand design in marriage, and the Bible does not shy away from sex. However, God’s command to be fruitful and multiply does not indicate that the sex act reflects God Himself. Sex is procreational and recreational, but it is not symbolic of the relationship of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

(Source for above)

  • As we established in (Link): previous posts, Tim Keller’s writings (along with those of his like-minded ideologues) claim that marital relationships as well as sex itself gives us the best insight into the social nature of the Trinity and the personalities within it.  Along with thinking about our spouse as we are in the throes of passion, we are are told that we Christians should be thinking about the relationship between the Father and the Son.
  • ….Keller says in Chapter 8 of his book that marriage is a “commitment apparatus” after explaining that sex is not dirty and it is more than a physical act.  But then, he goes on to say that we need the “spousal love of Jesus” in our lives.  I find this to be a profane (unholy) statement and nauseating.  I need God’s sacrificial love, and I need the love of my husband, along with the love of family and friends, too.
  • He [Tim Keller] then says that we all need the “cosmic need for closure that our souls find in romance.”  WHAT???  That means that if you are single, you can’t know God which is why Keller claims that if single, you must have a very large peer group community of singles who are all seeking marriage. 

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How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo

 How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT, by Gina Dalfonzo

I already covered this story about a month ago – Christianity Today is just now covering this.

One reason of several I keep telling single Christian women on this blog to dump the “be equally yoked” teaching to date Non-Christian men is the simple fact that there are not enough single, Christian men for women who want to marry one. You either will have to marry, say, an atheist, or marry nobody at all.

Also, the Christian church in America keeps dropping the ball on this. Instead of ministering to adult singles where they are, they instead, most often, shame and scream at singles to get married and stop hating marriage.

Churches – especially the ones who have turned motherhood and marriage into deities – seriously think the reason adult women are staying single is because we hate marriage or idolize our careers – the truth is, most of us do want to marry, but there are no men for us to marry.

(Link):  How the Dating Scene Became Stacked Against Women – via CT


  • by Gina Dalfonzo
  • These days, the old courtship formulas no longer apply: A devout woman, instead of being likelier to marry, may very well find herself alone.
  • That last example is particularly poignant. As religious groups (Link): emphasize marriage and family, some view prolonged singleness as a failure.
  • …I’m not a numbers person, so I didn’t always find Birger’s statistics-heavy arguments easy to follow, though he did his best to simplify them. But I appreciated this approach because it was so refreshingly different from the implied judgment in many books about singleness.
  • He’s not out to scold men or shame women for not being married. Nor does he complain about women being too educated or career-minded, though this does make it harder for them to find men with comparable backgrounds. Instead, Date-onomics simply discusses the patterns and trends that led to the lopsided singles scene we’re seeing now.

  • …Practicing Christians will disagree with Birger in places; for example, he has no problem with premarital sex. But we stand to learn from his tone, and his desire to explain rather than blame. It’s a great relief to hear that not only is singleness not something to be ashamed of, but in the vast majority of cases, it’s not even the woman’s fault! It’s just a numbers game.

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Bill That Lets Bosses Fire Single Women For Getting Pregnant Gains Steam

Bill That Lets Bosses Fire Single Women For Getting Pregnant Gains Steam

I’m right wing, have pretty traditional values, but I’m not comfortable with this idea of firing single women who get pregnant- which seems to be a hypothetical scenario this left wing site is presenting.

I happen to be pro-life. What if a single woman becomes pregnant, is concerned she may get fired for being pregnant, so she runs down to an abortion clinic to have the kid aborted?

The older I get, the more I become libertarian on some topics, depending on the particular topic. As far as this topic does go, it doesn’t seem right to me for an employer to penalize an adult for having pre-marital sex, which is basically what this is doing.

I also note that employers won’t be able to fire single MEN who knock a woman up. A man can stick his penis in various women’s orifices all year long, get several of them pregnant, and that man gets off scot-free; men pay no penalty under this system. It’s very sexist in that regard, IMO.

(Link): Bill That Lets Bosses Fire Single Women For Getting Pregnant Gains Steam

  • Critics say the language could protect an employer who doesn’t believe unmarried people should have sex outside of wedlock.
  • WASHINGTON — In wake of the U.S. Supreme Court decision in favor of same-sex marriage, Republicans are pushing legislation that aims to protect Americans who oppose these unions on religious grounds. But critics say the language is so broad, the bill creates a license to discriminate that would let employers fire women for getting pregnant outside of wedlock.
  • …The bill specifically protects those who believe that marriage is between “one man and one woman” or that “sexual relations are properly reserved to such a marriage.” Ian Thompson, a legislative representative at the American Civil Liberties Union, said that in addition to targeting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, the bill “clearly encompasses discrimination against single mothers” and would hobble the ability of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), the federal body that protects women from sex-based discrimination, to act.
  • This scenario isn’t merely hypothetical. There are a number of recent (Link): cases where religious schools have fired unwed teachers for becoming pregnant.
  • A Montana Catholic school teacher who was fired for having a baby out of wedlock, for example, (Link): filed a discrimination charge last year with the EEOC. While the U.S. Supreme Court has (Link): recognized a ministerial exception to employment discrimination laws, that exception is somewhat limited, not necessarily covering educators employed by Catholic schools who teach about exclusively secular subjects.
  • At a press conference on Thursday, Rep. Raul Labrador (R-Idaho), who authored the House bill, strongly denied that it could be used this way. “It’s just allowing people to continue to believe the way they do,” he told The Huffington Post.
  • When NPR asked Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah), who introduced the companion Senate bill, about a hypothetical university firing an unmarried woman for having sex out of wedlock, he said, “There are colleges and universities that have a religious belief that sexual relations are to be reserved for marriage” and they “ought to be protected in their religious freedom.”


Related Posts

(Link): Single, pregnant mother fired from church for not being married

(Link): Bias and Discrimination Against Singles and Females – Woman Fired by Christian Employer for Being Divorced but Her Male Divorced Co-Workers Not Fired

(Link):  Women in Sao Paulo Must Provide Proof of Virginity to Be Hired as Teachers

(Link): Civil, Secular Authorities and Marriage and The Dippy Christian “Marriage Pledge” Preachers are Being Asked To Sign

(Link): Sex is Not the Primary or Only Basis of Marriage – Rape Victims / Asexuals / Bestiality ~ Zoophilia / Sexless Marriages / Park Bans Single Men -AND- Single Women – Rebuttal to Blogger John Morgan 

(Link): Discrimination Against Singles in Spain – and Ageism

Blogger Declares That Adult Singles Who Desire Marriage Yet Are Still Single in Early Middle Age And Upset By It Are Being Petty

Blogger Declares That Adult Singles Who Desire Marriage Yet Are Still Single in Early Middle Age And Upset By It Are Being Petty

There are additional updates at the bottom of this post: I spoke with the blogger, S. Field, and she apologized, so we’re all good.

When I first wrote this post you see below, I was feeling rather cranky, I do admit (but even then, I did not hate Field, I was just upset with the “petty” remark). Since we had our chat (see bottom of this post), I’m okay with her.


Original Post:

Oh the irony. Someone at the Stuff Christian Culture Likes Facebook group, in a thread ((Link): located here) about people who have been hurt by churches, suggested the following blog page to another reader:

(Link):  “LIES WOMEN BELIEVE” REVIEW: 45-62 from Samantha Field’s blog

This is the blogger’s blurb on her blog’s main page:

  • I grew up in a Christian fundamentalist cult, but escaped as a young adult. Now, I write about being a bisexual woman and abuse survivor, exploring intersectional feminism and liberation theology.

Remember, this is a blog – by Samantha Field – that was recommended in a thread discussing how Christians and churches hurt people.

I would presume that Samantha Field would perhaps consider herself an advocate or some kind of spokesperson for (or at least sympathetic to)  those who have been hurt by God, churches, the Christian faith, or what have you.

So imagine my surprise at seeing the following statement in Field’s “Lies Women Believe” book review, where she criticizes the author of the book, Nancy:

  • [Quote by Fields] Event this book enforces those notions. She gives the following in a list of problems we run into:
  • [quote by Nancy]… a loveless marriage, rejection by an ex-mate, grown children who won’t call home, approaching forty, and not a suitor in sight … (50)
  • [Quote by Fields] I’m sorry, those things aren’t fun, but they just seem so petty. Really, Nancy? This is your standard for talking about the possible reasons why women might feel that God doesn’t love them?

Here’s a brief recap of myself, for anyone who may be new to my blog:

I am a woman who was raised in a conservative Christian household. I accepted Christ as my savior as a kid. I have been having doubts about the faith the last two, three years, based on several reasons.

After the death of my mother a few years ago, I discovered much to my shock that most self professing Christians don’t really care. None were willing to help me through the grief or with other problems I had afterwards, some of which were not related to the death some of which were.

Those factors and others started me on a journey a little bit away from the Christian faith.

I have not totally left the faith, but am on a scale somewhere between the faith and agnosticism right now.

And one of those very reasons for my faith crisis (among several) is, yes, I am over 40 and still have never married (and with no suitors in sight), in spite of the fact I spent youth and on-wards, following Christian advice on how to get married: praying to God for a spouse and trusting in God for a spouse. I even tried some dating sites, to no avail.

But according to blogger Field, my pain and disappointment and faith crisis over this means nothing – I am just a whiny, First World Problems shallow doofus. Gee, thanks, Field!

Apparently, according to the reasoning I am seeing on Field’s blog page, I can only have doubts about the goodness of God if I am a black girl living in poverty in Africa, or something of that nature.

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John Piper Issues Lame Advice: Unmarried Christian Woman Asks John Piper if It’s Okay For Her to Be a Police Officer

Unmarried Christian Woman Asks John Piper if It’s Okay For Her to Be a Police Officer

(There are some edits below, I added some new links)

This comes from the Jesus Creed blog:

(Link): That Complementarian Non-Negotiable – post by Scot McKnight

A Christian woman, who is single, wrote John Piper and asked him for career advice. I wonder if it’s a troll. She wants to know if it’s acceptable for an unmarried, complementarian, Christian woman to work as a police officer.

My first issue with this is, why is any woman (especially if she is an adult) writing to another human being about career choices? She should be making her own choices in life about career and whatever else.

She’s wanting to know if being a police officer would be violating any Christian gender complementarian norms.

She’s not asking because she’s just confused at this point in her life and doesn’t know what career to get into – which I could perhaps understand, if one is asking advice for that reason. But to ask for some man’s approval for her career choice? No. A hundred times no.

This is the sort of garbage and nonsense that gender complementarianism creates. Gender complementarianism infantilizes teen girls and grown women. A woman does not need to go to another adult, man or woman, to ask their permission to work in some career field or another. Spare me.

Scot McKnight pastes John Piper’s reply into his post, and true to Piper form, it is very verbose in a flowery way.

I can’t believe the woman wrote to Piper to start with or that Piper is even entertaining replying. He should have just told her to use her God-given brains and follow her interests and aptitudes, rather than ask for his input. But is that what Piper does? No.

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Pat Robertson Feigns Ignorance At Allegations He’s Been Insensitive Towards Older Single Christian Women Who Cannot Find Marriage Partners

Pat Robertson Feigns Ignorance At Allegations He’s Been Insensitive Towards Older Single Christian Women Who Cannot Find Marriage Partners

So some lady who is an older single Christian woman writes in to Pat Robertson’s show to ask him why he is so hard on older single women.

I don’t know about her, but in my own post here, by “older” I am referring to women over the age of 35, not only or necessarily senior citizens.

You can see and hear her question for yourself here, on CBN’s / 700 Club’s site:

(Link):  Lack Of Eligible Christian Prospects

On You Tube:

(Link):  Bring It On-Line: Lack of Eligible Christian Prospects

In answering that question, Robertson claims he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He does not feel he has been horrible or rude towards older single women. But he has.

I think she’s referring to previous episodes such as:

Then we have other incidents of Robertson victim-blaming women, such as:

Some of Robertson’s attitudes towards women, especially older single women (or ones who are divorced) are sometimes sexist and victim-blaming.

In regards to today’s broadcast, which again, can be viewed here,

(Link):  Lack Of Eligible Christian Prospects

In his reply to this particular woman, Robertson keeps referring to single women as “widows”.

Hey, Pat, there are boat loads full of Christian women ages 30 and up WHO HAVE NEVER MARRIED, and some might be DIVORCED. So why do you keep assuming all women who have a hard time getting a man to marry are WIDOWS?


Robertson coaches this woman that the Bible says Christian single women should not marry unbelievers.

Please do a search on my blog for the phrases or tags “equally yoked” or “unequally yoked.” Please disregard Robertson’s quotation of the Bible about Paul’s comments about widows should only marry other Christians or stay single.

Whether you are widowed, divorced, or never married, you will never, ever get married if you keep holding out for a Christian spouse.


Just a couple of weeks ago, I was reading another testimony by a Christian woman who was married once before, to a Christian, but her Christian husband was a louse and a jerk, so she divorced him. She got remarried, and this time to an atheist.

She was telling the people in this online conversation I was reading that her atheist husband displays more of the (to use Christian jargon here) “fruits of the Spirit” – he is more loving, gentle, attentive, giving, and supportive and so on – than her so-called Christian husband ever was.

Ladies, I know it’s tough, especially if you are still a serious Christian who is dead set on following the Bible and want to honor God, obey God, and your understanding of the Bible, but the sad reality is you are not going to marry, and not by the time you are 30 or 35 if you keep having faith, praying, and hoping God will send you a Christian spouse, or if you keep showing up to churches every week hoping to bump into a Christian Mr. Right.

I’m not saying you are guaranteed a spouse if you jettison typical Christian approaches or targeting Christian men to marry, but I think your odds of marrying may likely increase if you stop chasing after only one very narrow and elusive sub-set of men: adult, single Christian men.

If you start including atheists, agnostics, Jewish guys, etc, into consideration as potential husbands, you are probably more likely to get more dates and eventually marry.

I think the biggest criteria you have to consider is character – is the guy loving towards you, does he treat you well, does he support you and your goals in life, etc? And not, “Is he a Baptist” or “Is he a Jesus believer” or “does he attend a conservative Christian church weekly.”


As far as single people being alone because they don’t have a spouse, Robertson says God puts lonely single people in families, which is really a sh*tload of garbage.

Using myself as an example:

Ever since my mother died years ago, I’ve not been “put in a family.” I prayed for a few years for a friend or two, or someone to go to, but God has not answered that prayer. I’m still stumbling along alone.

I tried attending churches, but church people either shamed me or lectured me to coming for them with my emotional pain and needs – despite the fact the Bible tells Christians to “weep with those who weep.”

My actual family – I have some siblings and a father, and some extended family – they are totally unsupportive. Some yell at me, shame me for asking for help. I’ve not had anyone to turn to. So no, Pat, God does not put the single or the hurting or the lonely “in families.”


Robertson also quotes Billy Graham’s old chestnut (I swear I’ve heard this a million times since I was a kid), that “the Christian who marries a Non-Christian has Satan for a father- in- law.”

When I was younger, that observation seemed somewhat wise to me.

Now that I’m older, I think it’s rather condescending, especially in light of the tons of examples I’ve seen in divorce forums by Christian women who said their church-going Christian husband had many affairs on them, turned out to be a pedophile, or was emotionally or physically abusive.

Don’t forget (Link): this list I have of Christian married men who molest kids or who beat their wives.

And again, I’ve seen plenty of Christian women who were previously married to jerk Christian men who then went to marry Non-Christians who say their Non Christian husband is way more considerate and kind to them than their Christian husband ever was. I no longer put any stock in the “be equally yoked” teaching.

As far as Billy Graham’s comment that “the Christian who marries a Non-Christian has Satan for a father in law,” some Christians marry Christian men who are Satan. They end up having to divorce him (the jerk Christian man) to get peace and safety.

Anyway, Robertson has in fact, in previous episodes, been rather insensitive, blaming, or sexist towards older, never married single women.

(Link):  Bring It On-Line: Lack of Eligible Christian Prospects


Related Posts:

(Link): Pat Robertson Says 44 Year old Never Married Woman Who Wants Marriage is “Desperate”

(Link):  Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches? by Sandra Crawford Williamson (Also discusses never married adult women)

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t

(Link):  More Women Are Leaving Behind Religious Identities For Something More Spiritual

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link): Are Marriage and Family A Woman’s Highest Calling? by Marcia Wolf – and other links that address the Christian fallacy that a woman’s most godly or only proper role is as wife and mother

(Link):  The Masculinity Myth: The Real Reason Men Don’t Go to Church by the Evangelical Pulpit

(Link):  Southern Baptist’s New Sexist “Biblical Woman” Site – Attitudes in Total Face Palm of a Site One Reason Among Many This Unmarried and Childless Woman Is Saying Toodle-Oo to Christianity

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians including MEN Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy

Evangelicals are Rethinking Freud, Friendship, and Sexuality by D J Brennan

Evangelicals are Rethinking Freud, Friendship, and Sexuality by D J Brennan

This blog post by Brennan is rather long, so I would invite you to click this link and visit his blog to read the whole page:

(Link): Evangelicals are Rethinking Freud, Friendship, and Sexuality by D J Brennan

A few excerpts (from the introduction):

  • I had the unusual pleasure last month of seeing two new books authored by evangelicals released within 24 hours of each other and both were highly affirmative of friendships between the sexes.
  • Debra Hirsch’s Redeeming Sex (imagine a book written by an evangelical with “sex” in the title that highly values deep cross-sex friendship!) and Joshua Jones’Can Christian Men and Women Be Friends? summon evangelicals to rethink Freud, Jesus, and Friendship.
  • In just five, count’em, five short years after the publication of my groundbreaking book, Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions, these two books join me in advancing the conversation on sexuality and friendship. These two authors call evangelicals to explore an intimately relational ethic of friendship between men and women. However, they don’t want to us to avoid Freud; instead, we discover we are profoundly sexual beings who are called to love one another in deep friendship.
  • How cool is that?
  • I already blogged on my friend, Deb Hirsch’s trailblazing book, (Link): here. Joshua Jones’ new book blazes a new trail from a different angle: Jones, as a happily married man boldly takes us where no complementarian man has gone before (at least in a book). Jones wants evangelicals to know deep intimacy in friendship is desirable between men and women.

A few other excerpts:

  • …I give [the book] Can Christian Men and Women Be Friends? five stars for bravery—for daring Christians to think of the spiritual beauty of friendship between the sexes. As someone who has embraced egalitarian friendship between men and women at all levels, I welcome any complementarian turn toward friendship beyond Freud.
  • …I was taught to contain my sexuality within my marriage (conflating sex with sexuality) as a complementarian, but I had no language for what I was experiencing in my friendships with women.

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How Christianity’s Focus on Hot Married Sex Negatively Impacts Adult Single Celibates – from Practical Theology for Women blog

How Christianity’s Focus on Hot Married Sex Negatively Impacts Adult Single Celibates from Practical Theology for Women blog

A quick background on myself, for someone who may be new to this blog: I am over 40 years of age, a heterosexual, have never married, had wanted to be married, have a normal sex drive, but am still a virgin. I live a celibate life style.

The majority of this blog post you see linked to below, with a few excerpts, is by W. Alsup pertains to homosexual celibates, but much of it can apply to hetero single celibates as well.

A lot of her page echoes what I’ve been saying on this blog the last few years: that the extreme focus on marriage and sex within Baptist, Reformed, and evangelical churches is very alienating to single adults who are trying to stay celibate.

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Think The “Billy Graham Rule” Would Have Saved Tullian? Think Again… (Billy Graham rule has all Christians treating single adult women as though they are harlots or temptresses who cannot be trusted)

Think The “Billy Graham Rule” Would Have Saved Tullian? Think Again… (Billy Graham rule has all Christians treating single adult women as though they are harlots who cannot be trusted)

I saw Janet Mefferd (who is a lovely person) tweet this link you see below. She and a few others didn’t seem to like this editorial.

While I do respect Mrs. Mefferd, I disagree with her dislike of this editorial.

Mrs. Mefferd is a married lady, and I assume she’s probably been married for 20 or more years? I do know she has a husband and two or three children.

By contrast, I am over 40 years of age, have never married, have never had sex, have never had children – believe me, when you are a married woman, you have NO IDEA how insulting and terrible churches and Christian culture treats single and/or childless women.

I know because I am single and childless, and I see and encounter the ugly stereotypes and being excluded all on the basis of my single status. Married people are blind to these prejudices against single women, or don’t take them seriously, because they have “Married People Privilege.”

One of the biggest misconceptions and LIES about single adult women is that we are harlots or minxes, we are on the prowl to bed married men.

Again, I’m over 40 and a virgin. If I can and have controlled my libido this long, what on earth gives Christians the right to tell married men to refuse to meet with me alone because I will probably try to rip their pants off? I find this so deeply insulting.

Married Christian women tend to treat single ladies such as myself as threats, even though we are not threats.

Single women such as myself get cut off from getting help or from fellowship because preachers refuse to meet with us alone, not even over a cup of coffee at a Starbuck’s for pete’s sake.

The married women at church treat us single women like we all want to climb into bed with their husbands – news flash: we don’t. So, we don’t get invited over to hang out with the married people.

The Pharisees (religious leaders of Jesus’ day) had similar opinions about women, and how men should handle women: avoid women.

There are ancient accounts of religious leaders (from Jesus’ culture) so averting their gaze to avoid looking at women that they would walk into walls and so forth.

Jesus totally up-ended such stupidity by meeting with all women, even allowing women with questionable pasts to talk to him and touch him (such as the woman who cried on his feet and wiped his feet with her hair).

I will also add that sexual sin performed by a man is that man’s fault. Christians, stop blaming WOMEN for any and all sexual sins committed by men!

It does not matter if a woman is dressed a certain way, or even if she does in fact flirt with a man – at the end of the day, God gives you self control and free will. It is up to you to practice self control and walk away. Stop blaming women for men’s sexual failings!

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Church Allows Pedophile To Lead Bible Studies – Meanwhile, Many Churches Refuse to Allow Non-Pedophile, Celibate, Single Adults to Hold Any Sort of Leadership Positions (Re: Steve Furtick’s Elevation Church)

Church Allows Pedophile To Lead Bible Studies, Hails Pedo as a “Hero” – Meanwhile, Many Churches  Refuse to Allow Celibate, Single Adults to Hold Any Sort of Leadership Positions

Because many flavors of American Christendom – everything from evangelical to Reformed to Baptist and everything else – continues to harbor this completely un-biblical and insulting perception that marriage and parenthood are necessary rites of adulthood, and because many Christians assume that married persons are above sexually sinning, they continue to prohibit single, celibate adults from holding leadership positions in church.

I have blogged before anecdotes by other celibate, single adults who express pain, shock, hurt, indignation or frustration because their church automatically limits them from doing things such as teaching Sunday school because singles are either regarded as immature or as more liable to sexually sin.

In this story, from the Watch Keep blog, we have an example of a mega-church, Steve Furtick’s “Elevation” church, that not only allows a known pedophile, a Norm Vigue, to lead a Bible study class at their church, the preacher, Furtick, refers to the pedophile as his “personal hero.”

You can read more about that in this post at the Watch Keep blog:

(Link): Steven Furtick and Elevation Church publicly support, celebrate, and elevate a convicted child sex offender before, during and after federal prison: registered sex offender Norman Vigue now leads Elevation Church Bible study (on the Watch Keep blog, by Amy Smith, in conjunction with Wartwatch Blog – a few excerpts, with commentary are farther below)

That is baffling, alarming, and shocking in and of itself, of course, but consider another point or two I’ve raised in my writing before:

  1. Churches are reluctant to utilize adults who are actually sexually pure as role models or as leaders or as teachers (they will not even permit adult celibate singles to teach other adult singles in church).
  2. Churches continue to buy into and promote the stereotype that all adult singles are sexually sinning

If you are a virgin over the age of 30, churches do not want you to speak about sexual purity; their preference is to hire or utilize known or self-professing fornicators as role models, teachers, or speakers.

On her Watch Keep blog, Amy Smith mentions how preacher Furtick has two or three blog posts on his blog describing the child molestor, Vigue, as his hero, and how Vigue will be available after some church service to sign autographs on a book he wrote.

While it is certainly true that God will forgive a repentant child molester, it is shocking that some Christians think the way to express this truth is to promote a child molester as a hero, or as some sort of teacher the rest of us can learn from.

And again, churches are double-minded and hypocritical in these issues two fold:

Point 1: in that they will not only heap praise on a convicted child molester or child rapist but refuse to utilize adult celibates or virgins as examples of sexual morality and God’s grace.

Point 2: pedophiles are permitted to teach and lead in churches, but not non-pedophile, virgin, celibate adults.

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Is Marriage A Ministry Qualification? by L A Moreno

Is Marriage A Ministry Qualification? by L A Moreno

(Link): Is Marriage A Ministry Qualification? by L A Moreno


  • Sex
  • I have been told that single people present a greater temptation to sexual immorality in a ministry setting. In all graciousness, I realize this is a legitimate concern for some people. I’d simply like to point out that many occurrences of leader failings due to sexual immorality have happened with pastors and church leaders who are married. Being single is not a gateway status to sexual immorality and being married is not a safeguard.

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Sexed-Up Culture Ruined Healthy Male-Female Work Relationships

Sexed-Up Culture Ruined Healthy Male-Female Work Relationships

(Link): Sexed-Up Culture Ruined Healthy Male-Female Work Relationships by Halee Gray Scott


  • … As a researcher who focuses on female Christian leaders, I hear it over and over.
  • The first female vice president of a Christian organization confessed she missed out on opportunities to advance her projects because the president made businesses decisions over lunch, and he promised his wife he wouldn’t eat lunch alone with women. It was enough to make her want to quit.
  • A female pastor in Minnesota told me about being overlooked for staff development opportunities, while the lead pastor invested in her male coworkers. A female seminary professor shared the too-familiar struggle of trying to find a mentor among her all-male colleagues.
  • But it’s a tension the gospel demands we work through. In Ephesians 4, we see God’s intention for ministry is a productive, collaborative environment between men and women.

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Singles Advocate DePaulo Responds to Right Wing, Conservative Critics of Singlehood, Who Blame Singles For Breakdown of The Family (reminder: I myself am right wing)

Singles Advocate DePaulo Responds to Right Wing, Conservative Critics of Singlehood, Who Blame Singles For Breakdown of The Family

For anyone who is new to this blog:

I am conservative, I vote Republican, and don’t agree with Democrats and left wingers on many topics.

I am NOT against traditional marriage or pro-creation.

However, where I part company with many other conservative Christians and right wingers is their tendency to demonize anyone who does not happen (for whatever reason) to marry young, to not marry at all, or who do not have children.

Right wingers and most Christians tend to make an idol out of marriage and the nuclear family, and I am opposed to that tendency.

There is nothing wrong with marriage or the nuclear family.

If you want to marry and have kids (I myself would like to marry), that is swell. Go for it.

My problem is how other conservatives assume the worst of people who are, for whatever reason, whether by choice or by circumstance, single or childless.

A few months ago, I found a bizarre article or two by a conservative Christians who blames HETERO SINGLE CHRISTIANS for the rise in homosexuality.

Seriously. I have no idea how anyone can connect Christian hetero singles to more homosexuality, but they tried.

Here is a link to that former page:

Here is the new page, where DePaulo refutes the idea that hetero singles are causing the breakdown in family and culture.

I agree with much of this editorial by DePaulo, and maybe disagree with only one or two points.

(Link): Who’s Afraid of Single People? by B. DePaulo, October 2014

  • Who should be blamed for the supposed breakdown of family and community ties?
  • There are people who are very afraid of single people. I’m not just talking about the (Link): stereotype of single men as scary criminals (which, by the way, is a  myth (edit: I removed this link, it is to her book Singled Out on Amazon, you may visit Amazon to view it therel) and not a truth).
  • No, there are people who believe that the growing number of single people in America is a threat to our nation. Getting pinned on us single people are “the sharp decline of social trust and the breakdown of community ties.”

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Seven Reasons Why It’s Hard To Be Single In The Church by Sarah The Barge

Seven Reasons Why It’s Hard To Be Single In The Church by Sarah The Barge

She covers some of the same points I’ve been raising at this blog the last few years. I thought any of my regular readers (assuming I have any) might enjoy this.

I am not going to copy her whole post to my blog. Please use the link below to visit her blog.

(Link): Seven Reasons Why It’s Hard To Be Single In The Church by Sarah The Barge

  • 1) The mythical “gift” of singleness.
  • I’ve heard many, many times from church leaders that some people have “the gift of singleness,” which is divinely given and has nothing to do with that person’s free will.  Furthermore, if a person has the “gift of singleness,” they know from a young age that they’re meant to be single for the rest of their lives.
  • Therefore, if you don’t know that you’re supposed to be single forever, that means you’re supposed to get married.
  • This is nowhere in the Bible.  Nowhere.  Paul says in I Corinthians 7 that marriage is a concession, something you’re allowed to do as a last resort if you can’t resist sexual temptation.
  • I know lots of single people, even single people who have been single for decades and died single.  And I don’t know of a single person who knew they were going to be single forever.

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