Blogger Declares That Adult Singles Who Desire Marriage Yet Are Still Single in Early Middle Age And Upset By It Are Being Petty

Blogger Declares That Adult Singles Who Desire Marriage Yet Are Still Single in Early Middle Age And Upset By It Are Being Petty

There are additional updates at the bottom of this post: I spoke with the blogger, S. Field, and she apologized, so we’re all good.

When I first wrote this post you see below, I was feeling rather cranky, I do admit (but even then, I did not hate Field, I was just upset with the “petty” remark). Since we had our chat (see bottom of this post), I’m okay with her.

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Original Post:

Oh the irony. Someone at the Stuff Christian Culture Likes Facebook group, in a thread ((Link): located here) about people who have been hurt by churches, suggested the following blog page to another reader:

(Link):  “LIES WOMEN BELIEVE” REVIEW: 45-62 from Samantha Field’s blog

This is the blogger’s blurb on her blog’s main page:

  • I grew up in a Christian fundamentalist cult, but escaped as a young adult. Now, I write about being a bisexual woman and abuse survivor, exploring intersectional feminism and liberation theology.

Remember, this is a blog – by Samantha Field – that was recommended in a thread discussing how Christians and churches hurt people.

I would presume that Samantha Field would perhaps consider herself an advocate or some kind of spokesperson for (or at least sympathetic to)  those who have been hurt by God, churches, the Christian faith, or what have you.

So imagine my surprise at seeing the following statement in Field’s “Lies Women Believe” book review, where she criticizes the author of the book, Nancy:

  • [Quote by Fields] Event this book enforces those notions. She gives the following in a list of problems we run into:
  • [quote by Nancy]… a loveless marriage, rejection by an ex-mate, grown children who won’t call home, approaching forty, and not a suitor in sight … (50)
  • [Quote by Fields] I’m sorry, those things aren’t fun, but they just seem so petty. Really, Nancy? This is your standard for talking about the possible reasons why women might feel that God doesn’t love them?

Here’s a brief recap of myself, for anyone who may be new to my blog:

I am a woman who was raised in a conservative Christian household. I accepted Christ as my savior as a kid. I have been having doubts about the faith the last two, three years, based on several reasons.

After the death of my mother a few years ago, I discovered much to my shock that most self professing Christians don’t really care. None were willing to help me through the grief or with other problems I had afterwards, some of which were not related to the death some of which were.

Those factors and others started me on a journey a little bit away from the Christian faith.

I have not totally left the faith, but am on a scale somewhere between the faith and agnosticism right now.

And one of those very reasons for my faith crisis (among several) is, yes, I am over 40 and still have never married (and with no suitors in sight), in spite of the fact I spent youth and on-wards, following Christian advice on how to get married: praying to God for a spouse and trusting in God for a spouse. I even tried some dating sites, to no avail.

But according to blogger Field, my pain and disappointment and faith crisis over this means nothing – I am just a whiny, First World Problems shallow doofus. Gee, thanks, Field!

Apparently, according to the reasoning I am seeing on Field’s blog page, I can only have doubts about the goodness of God if I am a black girl living in poverty in Africa, or something of that nature.

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John Piper Issues Lame Advice: Unmarried Christian Woman Asks John Piper if It’s Okay For Her to Be a Police Officer

Unmarried Christian Woman Asks John Piper if It’s Okay For Her to Be a Police Officer

(There are some edits below, I added some new links)

This comes from the Jesus Creed blog:

(Link): That Complementarian Non-Negotiable – post by Scot McKnight

A Christian woman, who is single, wrote John Piper and asked him for career advice. I wonder if it’s a troll. She wants to know if it’s acceptable for an unmarried, complementarian, Christian woman to work as a police officer.

My first issue with this is, why is any woman (especially if she is an adult) writing to another human being about career choices? She should be making her own choices in life about career and whatever else.

She’s wanting to know if being a police officer would be violating any Christian gender complementarian norms.

She’s not asking because she’s just confused at this point in her life and doesn’t know what career to get into – which I could perhaps understand, if one is asking advice for that reason. But to ask for some man’s approval for her career choice? No. A hundred times no.

This is the sort of garbage and nonsense that gender complementarianism creates. Gender complementarianism infantilizes teen girls and grown women. A woman does not need to go to another adult, man or woman, to ask their permission to work in some career field or another. Spare me.

Scot McKnight pastes John Piper’s reply into his post, and true to Piper form, it is very verbose in a flowery way.

I can’t believe the woman wrote to Piper to start with or that Piper is even entertaining replying. He should have just told her to use her God-given brains and follow her interests and aptitudes, rather than ask for his input. But is that what Piper does? No.

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Pat Robertson Feigns Ignorance At Allegations He’s Been Insensitive Towards Older Single Christian Women Who Cannot Find Marriage Partners

Pat Robertson Feigns Ignorance At Allegations He’s Been Insensitive Towards Older Single Christian Women Who Cannot Find Marriage Partners

So some lady who is an older single Christian woman writes in to Pat Robertson’s show to ask him why he is so hard on older single women.

I don’t know about her, but in my own post here, by “older” I am referring to women over the age of 35, not only or necessarily senior citizens.

You can see and hear her question for yourself here, on CBN’s / 700 Club’s site:

(Link):  Lack Of Eligible Christian Prospects

On You Tube:

(Link):  Bring It On-Line: Lack of Eligible Christian Prospects

In answering that question, Robertson claims he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He does not feel he has been horrible or rude towards older single women. But he has.

I think she’s referring to previous episodes such as:

Then we have other incidents of Robertson victim-blaming women, such as:

Some of Robertson’s attitudes towards women, especially older single women (or ones who are divorced) are sometimes sexist and victim-blaming.

In regards to today’s broadcast, which again, can be viewed here,

(Link):  Lack Of Eligible Christian Prospects

In his reply to this particular woman, Robertson keeps referring to single women as “widows”.

Hey, Pat, there are boat loads full of Christian women ages 30 and up WHO HAVE NEVER MARRIED, and some might be DIVORCED. So why do you keep assuming all women who have a hard time getting a man to marry are WIDOWS?

EQUALLY YOKED TEACHING

Robertson coaches this woman that the Bible says Christian single women should not marry unbelievers.

Please do a search on my blog for the phrases or tags “equally yoked” or “unequally yoked.” Please disregard Robertson’s quotation of the Bible about Paul’s comments about widows should only marry other Christians or stay single.

Whether you are widowed, divorced, or never married, you will never, ever get married if you keep holding out for a Christian spouse.

NON CHRISTIANS SOMETIMES MAKE BETTER SPOUSES

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was reading another testimony by a Christian woman who was married once before, to a Christian, but her Christian husband was a louse and a jerk, so she divorced him. She got remarried, and this time to an atheist.

She was telling the people in this online conversation I was reading that her atheist husband displays more of the (to use Christian jargon here) “fruits of the Spirit” – he is more loving, gentle, attentive, giving, and supportive and so on – than her so-called Christian husband ever was.

Ladies, I know it’s tough, especially if you are still a serious Christian who is dead set on following the Bible and want to honor God, obey God, and your understanding of the Bible, but the sad reality is you are not going to marry, and not by the time you are 30 or 35 if you keep having faith, praying, and hoping God will send you a Christian spouse, or if you keep showing up to churches every week hoping to bump into a Christian Mr. Right.

I’m not saying you are guaranteed a spouse if you jettison typical Christian approaches or targeting Christian men to marry, but I think your odds of marrying may likely increase if you stop chasing after only one very narrow and elusive sub-set of men: adult, single Christian men.

If you start including atheists, agnostics, Jewish guys, etc, into consideration as potential husbands, you are probably more likely to get more dates and eventually marry.

I think the biggest criteria you have to consider is character – is the guy loving towards you, does he treat you well, does he support you and your goals in life, etc? And not, “Is he a Baptist” or “Is he a Jesus believer” or “does he attend a conservative Christian church weekly.”

ON THE LONELY OR SINGLES BEING PUT INTO FAMILIES

As far as single people being alone because they don’t have a spouse, Robertson says God puts lonely single people in families, which is really a sh*tload of garbage.

Using myself as an example:

Ever since my mother died years ago, I’ve not been “put in a family.” I prayed for a few years for a friend or two, or someone to go to, but God has not answered that prayer. I’m still stumbling along alone.

I tried attending churches, but church people either shamed me or lectured me to coming for them with my emotional pain and needs – despite the fact the Bible tells Christians to “weep with those who weep.”

My actual family – I have some siblings and a father, and some extended family – they are totally unsupportive. Some yell at me, shame me for asking for help. I’ve not had anyone to turn to. So no, Pat, God does not put the single or the hurting or the lonely “in families.”

SATAN AS A FATHER IN LAW

Robertson also quotes Billy Graham’s old chestnut (I swear I’ve heard this a million times since I was a kid), that “the Christian who marries a Non-Christian has Satan for a father- in- law.”

When I was younger, that observation seemed somewhat wise to me.

Now that I’m older, I think it’s rather condescending, especially in light of the tons of examples I’ve seen in divorce forums by Christian women who said their church-going Christian husband had many affairs on them, turned out to be a pedophile, or was emotionally or physically abusive.

Don’t forget (Link): this list I have of Christian married men who molest kids or who beat their wives.

And again, I’ve seen plenty of Christian women who were previously married to jerk Christian men who then went to marry Non-Christians who say their Non Christian husband is way more considerate and kind to them than their Christian husband ever was. I no longer put any stock in the “be equally yoked” teaching.

As far as Billy Graham’s comment that “the Christian who marries a Non-Christian has Satan for a father in law,” some Christians marry Christian men who are Satan. They end up having to divorce him (the jerk Christian man) to get peace and safety.

Anyway, Robertson has in fact, in previous episodes, been rather insensitive, blaming, or sexist towards older, never married single women.

(Link):  Bring It On-Line: Lack of Eligible Christian Prospects

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Related Posts:

(Link): Pat Robertson Says 44 Year old Never Married Woman Who Wants Marriage is “Desperate”

(Link):  Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches? by Sandra Crawford Williamson (Also discusses never married adult women)

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t

(Link):  More Women Are Leaving Behind Religious Identities For Something More Spiritual

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link): Are Marriage and Family A Woman’s Highest Calling? by Marcia Wolf – and other links that address the Christian fallacy that a woman’s most godly or only proper role is as wife and mother

(Link):  The Masculinity Myth: The Real Reason Men Don’t Go to Church by the Evangelical Pulpit

(Link):  Southern Baptist’s New Sexist “Biblical Woman” Site – Attitudes in Total Face Palm of a Site One Reason Among Many This Unmarried and Childless Woman Is Saying Toodle-Oo to Christianity

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians including MEN Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy

Evangelicals are Rethinking Freud, Friendship, and Sexuality by D J Brennan

Evangelicals are Rethinking Freud, Friendship, and Sexuality by D J Brennan

This blog post by Brennan is rather long, so I would invite you to click this link and visit his blog to read the whole page:

(Link): Evangelicals are Rethinking Freud, Friendship, and Sexuality by D J Brennan

A few excerpts (from the introduction):

  • I had the unusual pleasure last month of seeing two new books authored by evangelicals released within 24 hours of each other and both were highly affirmative of friendships between the sexes.
  • Debra Hirsch’s Redeeming Sex (imagine a book written by an evangelical with “sex” in the title that highly values deep cross-sex friendship!) and Joshua Jones’Can Christian Men and Women Be Friends? summon evangelicals to rethink Freud, Jesus, and Friendship.
  • In just five, count’em, five short years after the publication of my groundbreaking book, Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions, these two books join me in advancing the conversation on sexuality and friendship. These two authors call evangelicals to explore an intimately relational ethic of friendship between men and women. However, they don’t want to us to avoid Freud; instead, we discover we are profoundly sexual beings who are called to love one another in deep friendship.
  • How cool is that?
  • I already blogged on my friend, Deb Hirsch’s trailblazing book, (Link): here. Joshua Jones’ new book blazes a new trail from a different angle: Jones, as a happily married man boldly takes us where no complementarian man has gone before (at least in a book). Jones wants evangelicals to know deep intimacy in friendship is desirable between men and women.

A few other excerpts:

  • …I give [the book] Can Christian Men and Women Be Friends? five stars for bravery—for daring Christians to think of the spiritual beauty of friendship between the sexes. As someone who has embraced egalitarian friendship between men and women at all levels, I welcome any complementarian turn toward friendship beyond Freud.
  • …I was taught to contain my sexuality within my marriage (conflating sex with sexuality) as a complementarian, but I had no language for what I was experiencing in my friendships with women.

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How Christianity’s Focus on Hot Married Sex Negatively Impacts Adult Single Celibates – from Practical Theology for Women blog

How Christianity’s Focus on Hot Married Sex Negatively Impacts Adult Single Celibates from Practical Theology for Women blog

A quick background on myself, for someone who may be new to this blog: I am over 40 years of age, a heterosexual, have never married, had wanted to be married, have a normal sex drive, but am still a virgin. I live a celibate life style.

The majority of this blog post you see linked to below, with a few excerpts, is by W. Alsup pertains to homosexual celibates, but much of it can apply to hetero single celibates as well.

A lot of her page echoes what I’ve been saying on this blog the last few years: that the extreme focus on marriage and sex within Baptist, Reformed, and evangelical churches is very alienating to single adults who are trying to stay celibate.

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Think The “Billy Graham Rule” Would Have Saved Tullian? Think Again… (Billy Graham rule has all Christians treating single adult women as though they are harlots or temptresses who cannot be trusted)

Think The “Billy Graham Rule” Would Have Saved Tullian? Think Again… (Billy Graham rule has all Christians treating single adult women as though they are harlots who cannot be trusted)

I saw Janet Mefferd (who is a lovely person) tweet this link you see below. She and a few others didn’t seem to like this editorial.

While I do respect Mrs. Mefferd, I disagree with her dislike of this editorial.

Mrs. Mefferd is a married lady, and I assume she’s probably been married for 20 or more years? I do know she has a husband and two or three children.

By contrast, I am over 40 years of age, have never married, have never had sex, have never had children – believe me, when you are a married woman, you have NO IDEA how insulting and terrible churches and Christian culture treats single and/or childless women.

I know because I am single and childless, and I see and encounter the ugly stereotypes and being excluded all on the basis of my single status. Married people are blind to these prejudices against single women, or don’t take them seriously, because they have “Married People Privilege.”

One of the biggest misconceptions and LIES about single adult women is that we are harlots or minxes, we are on the prowl to bed married men.

Again, I’m over 40 and a virgin. If I can and have controlled my libido this long, what on earth gives Christians the right to tell married men to refuse to meet with me alone because I will probably try to rip their pants off? I find this so deeply insulting.

Married Christian women tend to treat single ladies such as myself as threats, even though we are not threats.

Single women such as myself get cut off from getting help or from fellowship because preachers refuse to meet with us alone, not even over a cup of coffee at a Starbuck’s for pete’s sake.

The married women at church treat us single women like we all want to climb into bed with their husbands – news flash: we don’t. So, we don’t get invited over to hang out with the married people.

The Pharisees (religious leaders of Jesus’ day) had similar opinions about women, and how men should handle women: avoid women.

There are ancient accounts of religious leaders (from Jesus’ culture) so averting their gaze to avoid looking at women that they would walk into walls and so forth.

Jesus totally up-ended such stupidity by meeting with all women, even allowing women with questionable pasts to talk to him and touch him (such as the woman who cried on his feet and wiped his feet with her hair).

I will also add that sexual sin performed by a man is that man’s fault. Christians, stop blaming WOMEN for any and all sexual sins committed by men!

It does not matter if a woman is dressed a certain way, or even if she does in fact flirt with a man – at the end of the day, God gives you self control and free will. It is up to you to practice self control and walk away. Stop blaming women for men’s sexual failings!

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Church Allows Pedophile To Lead Bible Studies – Meanwhile, Many Churches Refuse to Allow Non-Pedophile, Celibate, Single Adults to Hold Any Sort of Leadership Positions (Re: Steve Furtick’s Elevation Church)

Church Allows Pedophile To Lead Bible Studies, Hails Pedo as a “Hero” – Meanwhile, Many Churches  Refuse to Allow Celibate, Single Adults to Hold Any Sort of Leadership Positions

Because many flavors of American Christendom – everything from evangelical to Reformed to Baptist and everything else – continues to harbor this completely un-biblical and insulting perception that marriage and parenthood are necessary rites of adulthood, and because many Christians assume that married persons are above sexually sinning, they continue to prohibit single, celibate adults from holding leadership positions in church.

I have blogged before anecdotes by other celibate, single adults who express pain, shock, hurt, indignation or frustration because their church automatically limits them from doing things such as teaching Sunday school because singles are either regarded as immature or as more liable to sexually sin.

In this story, from the Watch Keep blog, we have an example of a mega-church, Steve Furtick’s “Elevation” church, that not only allows a known pedophile, a Norm Vigue, to lead a Bible study class at their church, the preacher, Furtick, refers to the pedophile as his “personal hero.”

You can read more about that in this post at the Watch Keep blog:

(Link): Steven Furtick and Elevation Church publicly support, celebrate, and elevate a convicted child sex offender before, during and after federal prison: registered sex offender Norman Vigue now leads Elevation Church Bible study (on the Watch Keep blog, by Amy Smith, in conjunction with Wartwatch Blog – a few excerpts, with commentary are farther below)

That is baffling, alarming, and shocking in and of itself, of course, but consider another point or two I’ve raised in my writing before:

  1. Churches are reluctant to utilize adults who are actually sexually pure as role models or as leaders or as teachers (they will not even permit adult celibate singles to teach other adult singles in church).
  2. Churches continue to buy into and promote the stereotype that all adult singles are sexually sinning

If you are a virgin over the age of 30, churches do not want you to speak about sexual purity; their preference is to hire or utilize known or self-professing fornicators as role models, teachers, or speakers.

On her Watch Keep blog, Amy Smith mentions how preacher Furtick has two or three blog posts on his blog describing the child molestor, Vigue, as his hero, and how Vigue will be available after some church service to sign autographs on a book he wrote.

While it is certainly true that God will forgive a repentant child molester, it is shocking that some Christians think the way to express this truth is to promote a child molester as a hero, or as some sort of teacher the rest of us can learn from.

And again, churches are double-minded and hypocritical in these issues two fold:

Point 1: in that they will not only heap praise on a convicted child molester or child rapist but refuse to utilize adult celibates or virgins as examples of sexual morality and God’s grace.

Point 2: pedophiles are permitted to teach and lead in churches, but not non-pedophile, virgin, celibate adults.

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Is Marriage A Ministry Qualification? by L A Moreno

Is Marriage A Ministry Qualification? by L A Moreno

(Link): Is Marriage A Ministry Qualification? by L A Moreno

Excerpts:

  • Sex
  • I have been told that single people present a greater temptation to sexual immorality in a ministry setting. In all graciousness, I realize this is a legitimate concern for some people. I’d simply like to point out that many occurrences of leader failings due to sexual immorality have happened with pastors and church leaders who are married. Being single is not a gateway status to sexual immorality and being married is not a safeguard.

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Sexed-Up Culture Ruined Healthy Male-Female Work Relationships

Sexed-Up Culture Ruined Healthy Male-Female Work Relationships

(Link): Sexed-Up Culture Ruined Healthy Male-Female Work Relationships by Halee Gray Scott

Excerpts.

  • … As a researcher who focuses on female Christian leaders, I hear it over and over.
  • The first female vice president of a Christian organization confessed she missed out on opportunities to advance her projects because the president made businesses decisions over lunch, and he promised his wife he wouldn’t eat lunch alone with women. It was enough to make her want to quit.
  • A female pastor in Minnesota told me about being overlooked for staff development opportunities, while the lead pastor invested in her male coworkers. A female seminary professor shared the too-familiar struggle of trying to find a mentor among her all-male colleagues.
  • But it’s a tension the gospel demands we work through. In Ephesians 4, we see God’s intention for ministry is a productive, collaborative environment between men and women.

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Singles Advocate DePaulo Responds to Right Wing, Conservative Critics of Singlehood, Who Blame Singles For Breakdown of The Family (reminder: I myself am right wing)

Singles Advocate DePaulo Responds to Right Wing, Conservative Critics of Singlehood, Who Blame Singles For Breakdown of The Family

For anyone who is new to this blog:

I am conservative, I vote Republican, and don’t agree with Democrats and left wingers on many topics.

I am NOT against traditional marriage or pro-creation.

However, where I part company with many other conservative Christians and right wingers is their tendency to demonize anyone who does not happen (for whatever reason) to marry young, to not marry at all, or who do not have children.

Right wingers and most Christians tend to make an idol out of marriage and the nuclear family, and I am opposed to that tendency.

There is nothing wrong with marriage or the nuclear family.

If you want to marry and have kids (I myself would like to marry), that is swell. Go for it.

My problem is how other conservatives assume the worst of people who are, for whatever reason, whether by choice or by circumstance, single or childless.

A few months ago, I found a bizarre article or two by a conservative Christians who blames HETERO SINGLE CHRISTIANS for the rise in homosexuality.

Seriously. I have no idea how anyone can connect Christian hetero singles to more homosexuality, but they tried.

Here is a link to that former page:

Here is the new page, where DePaulo refutes the idea that hetero singles are causing the breakdown in family and culture.

I agree with much of this editorial by DePaulo, and maybe disagree with only one or two points.

(Link): Who’s Afraid of Single People? by B. DePaulo, October 2014

  • Who should be blamed for the supposed breakdown of family and community ties?
  • There are people who are very afraid of single people. I’m not just talking about the (Link): stereotype of single men as scary criminals (which, by the way, is a  myth (edit: I removed this link, it is to her book Singled Out on Amazon, you may visit Amazon to view it therel) and not a truth).
  • No, there are people who believe that the growing number of single people in America is a threat to our nation. Getting pinned on us single people are “the sharp decline of social trust and the breakdown of community ties.”

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Seven Reasons Why It’s Hard To Be Single In The Church by Sarah The Barge

Seven Reasons Why It’s Hard To Be Single In The Church by Sarah The Barge

She covers some of the same points I’ve been raising at this blog the last few years. I thought any of my regular readers (assuming I have any) might enjoy this.

I am not going to copy her whole post to my blog. Please use the link below to visit her blog.

(Link): Seven Reasons Why It’s Hard To Be Single In The Church by Sarah The Barge

  • 1) The mythical “gift” of singleness.
  • I’ve heard many, many times from church leaders that some people have “the gift of singleness,” which is divinely given and has nothing to do with that person’s free will.  Furthermore, if a person has the “gift of singleness,” they know from a young age that they’re meant to be single for the rest of their lives.
  • Therefore, if you don’t know that you’re supposed to be single forever, that means you’re supposed to get married.
  • This is nowhere in the Bible.  Nowhere.  Paul says in I Corinthians 7 that marriage is a concession, something you’re allowed to do as a last resort if you can’t resist sexual temptation.
  • I know lots of single people, even single people who have been single for decades and died single.  And I don’t know of a single person who knew they were going to be single forever.

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Why Can’t We Accept That Some Women Don’t Want Kids? / We suffer from ‘Mom-opia’

Why Can’t We Accept That Some Women Don’t Want Kids? / We suffer from ‘Mom-opia’

I think at least one of these was written by Melanie Notkin – I first saw these articles mentioned on her Twitter feed. There are two different articles below.

(Link): Why Can’t We Accept That Some Women Don’t Want Kids?

(Link): We suffer from ‘Mom-opia’

Excerpts below each link.

(Link): Why Can’t We Accept That Some Women Don’t Want Kids?

  • There Is No ‘Normal’ American Family Anymore. But Heads Still Shake When It Comes to Women’s Reproductive Choices.
  • It used to be that the Cleavers—dad working an office job, mom raising two boys full-time—were the model American family. But the past several decades have seen dramatic changes—recent studies find that only about half of American adults are married today, compared to around 70 percent in 1960.
  • A Pew Research Center study from 2010 found that 20 percent of American women now end their childbearing years without having borne a child, compared to 10 percent in the 1970s. During that time, the public has become more accepting of these women, but 38 percent of Americans surveyed for that study felt this trend was bad for society.
  • …In advance of the Zócalo event “Why Have Kids?, we asked a panel of experts: If Americans have come to accept a range of non-traditional family structures, why does a woman’s choice not to have children still elicit skepticism and judgment?

(Link): We suffer from ‘Mom-opia’ (I believe the author for this is Melanie Notkin)

Excerpts:

  • We have “Mom-opia” in America—the myopic view of motherhood as womanhood. And yet, the latest U.S. Census Report on Fertility shows that 46 percent of women of childbearing years are childless.
  • This all-women-as-mother view generates “black and white” assumptions for why women make their choices, ignoring nuances and shades of gray. I worked closely with DeVries Global PR on a 2014 national demographic study entitled “Shades of Otherhood,” inspired by my book, Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness, to better understand this cohort of modern women.
  • Of the 19 million childless American women ages 20 to 44, over one-third (36 percent) are childless by choice. Some never felt motherhood was for them. Some don’t feel financially secure enough for parenthood. Some enjoy the freedom to live life to what they envision as its potential. And 18 percent of all childless women are on the fence, having not yet made a choice on motherhood either way.
  • And then nearly half (46 percent) are involuntarily childless, some by biology, and more often, among the cohort I explore more widely in Otherhood, by circumstance.
  • The women of the Otherhood are often single, often not by choice, and they choose to wait for love before motherhood.

High School Discriminates Against Single Woman Says Dance Is Couples Only

High School Discriminates Against Single Says Dance Is Couples Only

(Link):  Bountiful High School In Utah Wouldn’t Let a Single Student Into a Couples’ Dance, Because People Take School Dances Way Too Seriously

(Link):  Single High School Student Denied Entry to Couples-Only Dance

(Link):  High School Student Banned From Dance Because She Didn’t Have a Date

  • But Josee Stetich, a high school senior in Utah, was denied that right when she was denied entry to her school’s Valentine’s Day dance because it was “for couples only.”
  • Although Josee, 18, and her friends Mikayla Robertson and Shivani Lindmeir, didn’t have boys to bring to Bountiful High School’s Sweethearts Dance, they planned to go as a trio.
  • When they got to the party, the school administrators  granted Shivani and Mikyala access because they had previously bought a ticket together but told Josee that she couldn’t come in according to KUTV.
  • Josee told the school official that she’d gladly pay the $30 couple’s ticket price, but her plea didn’t work.

    KUTV reports that Bountiful’s assistant principal, Sue Baylis, said that the girls “knew it was couples only, but they were hoping for a pass.”

    “We got our hair done, put on nice gowns and Josee even bought new shoes,” Mikayla told ABC News. “We wanted to look our best and be dressed and ready as though we would have had a date.”

  • “I didn’t get asked to the dance, which is fine,” Josee said. “I love hanging out with my girls. It would’ve been fun.”

    Rather than leaving Josee behind, in the ultimate nod to chicks before weird patriarchal rules, the girls took a tour of a nearby chocolate factory together instead.

(Link):  School Refuses Single Student Entry to Weird-as-Hell Couples Dance

(Link):   Utah High School Student Denied Entry to Couples-Only Dance

  • A high school senior in Utah was turned away at her school’s Valentine’s Day “Sweethearts Dance” because it was for couples only, and she was the odd one out among a group of three friends who wanted to go together, one of the friends said.
  • The three Bountiful High School students, Josee Stetich, Mikayla Robertson and Shivani Lindmeir, spent this past Valentine’s Day together getting ready to go to the dance as friends after not getting asked out by anyone, Robertson told ABC News today.
  • “We got our hair done, put on nice gowns and Josee even bought new shoes,” Robertson said.
  • “They told us Josee needed a date, be it a guy or another friend,” Robertson said. “They said the ‘Sweethearts Dance’ was different from other school dances called stomps because it was couples-only.”

    Stetich was even willing to pay $30 at the door for a ticket that would have allowed two people in, Robertson said.

    “They refunded Shivani’s and my ticket, and they lost around $50 because they wouldn’t let us three in,” Robertson said. “I thought it was ridiculous. It’s silly that you can’t come by yourself if you’re not asked to a dance.”

    Bountiful High School apparently was not in session Monday and ABC News’ calls to the school’s offices were not immediately returned. Additional efforts to reach Principal Greg Wilkey, Assistant Principal Sue Baylis and the district’s superintendent outside their offices were unsuccessful.

    However, Wilkey told a local television station, KUTV, that Baylis told him the teens left “voluntarily” after receiving a refund.

    “We wanted to look our best and [be] dressed and ready as though we would have had a date.”

  • At the dance, though, school administrators told Lindmeir and Robertson, who bought a ticket together, that they could attend the dance as a couple, according to Robertson, but that Stetich could not get in solo.

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Related Posts:

(Link): Theme Park Bans Single Adults For Fear They Are All Pedophiles

(Link): Park Bans Single Men -AND- Single Women – Rebuttal to Blogger John Morgan

Man Beats Wife on Wedding Night After Failing to Get Her Dress Off

Man beats wife on wedding night after failing to get her dress off

(Link): Man beats wife on wedding night after failing to get her dress off

  • February 17, 2015 | 9:50am
  • It was a dream wedding, a romantic ceremony, with the bride looking resplendent in white.
  • Yet it turned into an abject nightmare for the beautiful bride, 22-year-old Amy Dawson.
  • After a delightful ceremony in St. Mary’s Church in the village of West Rainton in County Durham, England, the reception for Dawson and her new husband, her long-term partner and father of her child, Gavin Golightly, in nearby Beamish Hall was full of love and laughter.
  • Then, at 12:55 a.m. the following morning, the newlyweds decided to retire to bed and Dawson asked Golightly to help take off her wedding dress.
  • Instead, he attacked her and she thought she was going to die.
  • …. “The defendant then jumped up from his chair, approached Ms. Dawson and pushed her over.“He then sat on top of her and started punching her with clenched fists. He then got up and left the room. It appears that the defendant then came back to the room.”
  • …Dawson received a cut above her left eye and bruises to her face and chest.“When I first met Gavin, he was lovely, I couldn’t fault him,” Dawson told the Sunderland Echo.

    “He was caring and loving, and when we found we were having a baby, we were delighted.

  • ..Dawson, an accountancy student, has filed for divorce.
  • …“He means nothing to me now.”

Kerry Shook Marriage Mystery Sermon Series. Singles Ignored AGAIN.

Kerry Shook Marriage Mystery Sermon Series. Singles Ignored AGAIN.

Feb 15, 2015

Oh geeze. Kerry Shook is starting a new series tonight called “Marriage Mystery.”

I’d say the majority of this guy’s sermons are about marriage. Why? When over half of the American population is NOW single, why does he fixate on marriage?

I’ve tweeted Shook before – links to some of my blog posts here pointing out that he preaches on marriage far too much.

Shook offered the (Link):  Obligatory, “Oh, but if you’re single you can still benefit from my marriage sermon” line at the start of his sermon.

I am a never-married woman over the age of 40. I will probably never marry. So no, Shook, your endless sermons on marriage won’t or do not help me.

When are you going to present yearly sermon series addressing adult singleness and celibacy? Enough already with marriage, marriage, marriage.

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Related Posts:

(Link): Kerry Shook ‘Shark Weakness’ – yet another marriage sermon

(Link): Pastor Kerry Shook’s Marriage-centric Sermons

(Link): Statistics Show Single Adults Now Outnumber Married Adults in the United States

(Link):  Stop Overlooking Singles in Church By Joy-Elizabeth Lawrence

(Link): Kerry Shook Devotes Yet *Another* Show / Sermon to Marriage

(Link): Kerry Shook on Marriage AGAIN. About not letting your flame die down.

(Link): Shocker: Kerry Shook Show Last Night NOT About Marriage

(Link):  Preacher Whose 90% of Sermons are About How to Have a Great Marriage Warns Audience Not to Make Marriage an Idol – Kerry Shook Update and Irony Alert

(Link): The World Does Not Need More Marriage Sermons – They Don’t Stop Divorce or Get People Married

(Link): The Obligatory, “Oh, but if you’re single you can still benefit from my marriage sermon!” line

(Link):  If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t

(Link):  Really, It’s Okay To Be Single – In order to protect marriage, we should be careful not to denigrate singleness – by Peter Chin

(Link):  Are Single People the Lepers of Today’s Church? by Gina Dalfonzo

(Link):  Thirty Year Old Woman Kills Herself Due to Being Single and Childless – Churches contribute to this by either Ignoring adult singles or shaming them for being single and childless

Three Female Ghosts That Haunt The Church from TGC blog by Jen Wilkin

I am usually reluctant to post anything from TGC site or blog, but this piece wasn’t too bad. It covers some ground I’ve discussed on my blog before. I am only copying part of it here. If you’d like to read the whole thing, please click the TGC link to read the rest.

(I originally found this via DefendTheSheep’s Twitter account)

(Link): Three Female Ghosts That Haunt The Church from TGC blog by Jen Wilkin

Excerpts

  • …If you’re a male staff member at a church, I ask you to consider a ghost story of sorts. I don’t think for a minute that you hate women. I know there are valid reasons to take a measured approach to how you interact with us in ministry settings. I absolutely want you to be wise, but I don’t want you to be haunted. Three female ghosts haunt most churches, and I want you to recognize them so you can banish them from yours.
  • ….These three ghosts glide into staff meetings where key decisions are made. They hover in classrooms where theology is taught.
  • …. The three female ghosts that haunt us are the Usurper, the Temptress, and the Child.
  • ….. 2. The Temptress
  • This ghost gains permission to haunt when a concern for avoiding temptation or being above reproach morphs into a fear of women as sexual predators. Sometimes this ghost takes up residence because of a public leader’s moral failure, either within the church or within the broader Christian subculture.
  • If this is your ghost, you may behave in the following ways when you interact with a woman, particularly an attractive one:
    • You go out of your way to ensure your behavior communicates nothing too emotionally approachable or empathetic for fear you’ll be misunderstood to be flirting.
    • You avoid prolonged eye contact.
    • You silently question whether her outfit was chosen to draw your attention to her figure.
    • You listen with heightened attention for innuendo in her words or gestures.
    • You bring your colleague or assistant to every meeting with her, even if the meeting setting leaves no room to be misconstrued.
    • You hesitate to offer physical contact of any kind, even (especially?) if she is in crisis.
    • You consciously limit the length of your interactions with her for fear she might think you overly familiar.
    • You feel compelled to include “safe” or formal phrasing in all your written and verbal interactions with her (“Tell your husband I said hello!” or “Many blessings on your ministry and family”).
    • You Cc a colleague (or her spouse) on all correspondence.
    • You silently question if her comfort in conversing with men may be a sign of sexual availability.
    • ….we must move from a paradigm of wariness to one of trust, trading the labels of usurper, temptress, child for those of ally, sister, co-laborer.

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Related Posts:

(Link):  Relationships Of Welcome, Not Fear (Re: How Sexist Christian Views Marginalize and Isolate Adult, Single Women and Maintain Other Stereotypes About Adult Singles)

(Link): Jesus Christ was not afraid to meet alone with known Prostitutes / Steven Furtick and Elevation Church Perpetuating Anti Singles Bias – ie, Single Women are Supposedly Sexual Temptresses, All Males Can’t Control Their Sex Drives – (but this view conflicts with evangelical propaganda that married sex is great and frequent)

(Link): Christian Stereotypes About Female Sexuality : All Unmarried Women Are Supposedly Hyper Sexed Harlots – But All Married Ones are Supposedly Frigid or Totally Uninterested in Sex

(Link): Hey Ed Stetzer: Opposite Gender Friendships Are Not Sinful – Ed Stetzer’s Advice: “Avoid Any Hint” – More Like: Re Enforce UnBiblical Stereotypes About Men, Women, Sex, and Singles

(Link): Brotherly Love: Christians and Male-Female Friendships

(Link): How the Sexual Revolution Ruined Friendship – Also: If Christians Truly Believed in Celibacy and Virginity, they would stop adhering to certain sexual and gender stereotypes that work against both

(Link): Why So Much Fornication – Because Christians Have No Expectation of Sexual Purity

On Being Circumstantially Childless by A. Pearson

On Being Circumstantially Childless by A. Pearson

I never cared if I had children or not. What perturbs me about being childless (or childfree) is how women such as myself are treated as, or assumed to be, selfish, losers, failures, etc. This is also true of churches and Christians.

I’ve read of never married, childless women talk of walking into churches and treated rudely because they do not have children. I’ve had similar experiences in churches. Being childless isn’t bad… what’s bad is how people tend to treat you like a freak once they find out.

Men, by the way, very seldom get the same harassment over being childless as women do – not the same amount and not the same kind. Men seldom get hounded or pestered over if they have kids, or why do they not have them or don’t want any, etc.

(Link): On Being Circumstantially Childless by A. Pearson

Excerpts

  • They expected to have babies but found themselves at the end of their natural fertility without having done so. Perhaps it was due to prioritising work, study or travel. Maybe it was due to not having met someone they wanted to have children with.
  • Whatever the case, the impact of “unintended” or “circumstantial” childlessness on women’s lives needs to be more widely acknowledged, University of Canterbury researcher Dr Lois Tonkin says.

    “They are in the unusual position of being neither voluntarily childless nor involuntarily childless …  an unexpected consequence of other choices,” she says.

  • A GRIEF LIKE MOURNING

    Tonkin, who has a background in counselling, has written a thesis on the subject for a PhD in sociology, examining the experiences of 26 New Zealand women in their 30s and 40s who expected to have children but found themselves at the end of their natural fertility without having done so.

    “Circumstantially childless women very often grieve for the loss of the opportunity to become a mother and for some this grief is likened to the death of someone close,” she says.

    “My study participants often said they felt misunderstood, judged, unacknowledged, ignored and isolated by others around them. Many talked about feeling like a failure.”

Continue reading

Victim Blaming, Rape Apologia Piece by H. Ferguson on Christian Post site: “Rethinking Date Rape”

Victim Blaming, Rape Apologia Piece by H. Ferguson on Christian Post: “Rethinking Date Rape”

I am surprised I have not seen more Christians tweet or write in criticism of this page:

(Link): Rethinking Date Rape by Hope Ferguson – on The Christian Post

Here are some excerpts:

  • … Sulkowicz did not deny previously having taken part in consensual relations with the same young man. So was this a case of rape or of miscommunication?
  • According to the latest statistics, one in five women on American campuses has been subject to acquaintance rape. Although the circumstances vary, one common element is that alcohol has usually been consumed by both parties.
  • A young adult woman, lugging a mattress – the supposed scene of a crime – around with her to class, seemed to me to crystalize all that is wrong with the current focus on the “rape culture,” on college campuses and how it subsequently infantilizes adult women. I could only think of a child lugging around her security “blankie.”
  • ….If a woman decides that a consensual encounter is now not to her liking, and she tells the man to stop, but in a frenzy of testosterone and pleasure, he refuses, is that rape? Does her later no cancel out her earlier yes?If a young woman, such as one profiled in the New York Times recently, gets stinking drunk at a frat party with equally drunk young men, and finds herself “taken advantage of,” is that rape?
  • …While the young men, every bit as immature and drunk as the young women, are excoriated and raked across society’s collective coals, the young women are absolved from all liability and responsibility for their behavior.We are not talking about mature adults preying on kids. We are talking about peers and how they think about, negotiate, and act on their sexual desires.The Columbia student who was so outraged about being “raped” by her date, had already had consensual sex with the same young man previously. Rather than dismissing the incident as sexual communication gone wrong, instead, the young man, a student at Columbia as well, is labeled as a rapist on national TV, with no opportunity to defend himself without exposing his identity.
  • …Roiphe points out how smart young women who populate campuses are seemingly embracing the discarded stereotype of a woman who does not own her own actions, who is innocent, easily persuaded and manipulated; an image that women of her mother’s generation sought to dispel.
  • Are women really helpless victims?In the latest controversy over Jackie’s story in Rolling Stone, the writer, Sabrina Rubin Erdely, admittedly began her quest with an agenda to expose acquaintance rape on a prestigious college campus; to show how the charge is not taken seriously by college administrators (who frequently do not report the cases to police, either for fear of sullying their institution’s reputations, or in recognition of the murkiness of many of the charges) and to show how young women are therefore victimized all over again.Now I am not defending rape, acquaintance rape, date rape nor any other kind. I am saying, as Roiphe did in her piece, that cases of heterosexual miscommunication may end up as “rape,” if the woman later regrets what she did; doesn’t remember what she did; can’t recall consenting; or did something under the influence of alcohol that she wouldn’t normally do, with the attendant shame.

    However, perhaps the young men also did something under the influence of alcohol that they would not normally do. Why are they held to a higher standard of accountability than the young women? Why isn’t there more education on college campuses about the dangers of binge drinking? Nearly 2,000 young people a year die on American campuses of alcohol-related circumstances.

  • …Why aren’t young women taught to protect themselves and to avoid being caught in avoidable situations that could end badly, like being drunk to the point of passing out in a frat house full of horny young men suffering from TMT (too much testosterone).

I personally do not find it victim-blaming to tell women of preventative measures they can take to lessen their chances of being raped; I wrote about it earlier, here:

(Link):  Suggesting Preventive Measures Is Not Necessarily Victim Blaming

So far on that score, I’m in partial agreement with Ferguson, but I am astounded at how much victim blaming is in this article.

Where Ferguson writes,

  • However, perhaps the young men also did something under the influence of alcohol that they would not normally do. Why are they held to a higher standard of accountability than the young women?

Because a woman getting drunk is not the same thing as a man attacking a woman.

It doesn’t matter if the man in question is inebriated or not when he attacks a woman. Rape remains rape, and a crime that one human does against another.

A woman who is getting drunk in a frat house is only doing harm to herself (she may get liver problems if she continues drinking).

And that is one reason of several why society should hold young men “more accountable” in a situation where he rapes a woman, whether he is drunk or sober at the time. This isn’t rocket science, and I’m shocked that Ferguson doesn’t understand any of this.

Men who kill people while drunk driving face legal penalties, why should they not also do so in cases of sexual assault, if they rape a woman while they are drunk?

Ferguson writes,

  • A young adult woman, lugging a mattress – the supposed scene of a crime – around with her to class, seemed to me to crystalize all that is wrong with the current focus on the “rape culture,” on college campuses and how it subsequently infantilizes adult women. I could only think of a child lugging around her security “blankie.”

For those of you not familiar with the story of the rape victim who carried her mattress around campus, here are a few articles about it (all off site links):

I find it very troubling that this author, Ferguson, shows no understanding or concern for the young woman carrying the mattress, but chooses to view this as the woman “infantilizing” herself.

The young woman’s mattress was symbolic of her attack, and of seeking justice.

To compare the mattress of this story to a child’s “security blankie” belies deep ignorance on the part of the author (and I’m betting this is willful ignorance) and a lack of compassion for sexual assault victims.

Ferguson writes,

  • Although the circumstances vary, one common element is that alcohol has usually been consumed by both parties.

While I have no problem educating and cautioning women from drinking too much around men, especially at frat houses and at bars, it is immoral to blame women for being raped because they were drunk at the time of the assault.

Would Ferguson say that children who follow a child molester into his van for a promise of candy are to blame for being raped by the molester in the van?

Would she, Ferguson, shame those child victims and say, “It was their own fault they were assaulted, because they should have known better than to believe a stranger’s promise about candy?”

Probably not, so why blame a grown woman for being raped?

Ferguson writes,

  • Sulkowicz did not deny previously having taken part in consensual relations with the same young man. So was this a case of rape or of miscommunication?

Any time a woman says no or protests, or does not give her consent to have sex (the woman may be drugged or knocked out and incapable of accepting or declining), the situation is rape.

It does not matter if the man who rapes the woman is a man she has had consensual sex with 100 times in the past, only one time, or ten times, or zero times.

Marital rape was legal in the United States even up into the last half of the 20th century or earlier, because cultural and legal views were such that people believed that a husband had a right to have sex any time with his wife, even if the wife said “no” and did not want to have sex.

It looks as though Ferguson subscribes to this view that women have no agency, that they are forever the property of other men, and that their decisions about their own bodies or lives do not matter.

I also find it very odd and sexist that Ferguson acts as though because a woman may have had consensual sex with a man at one point in time that the man is forever entitled to that woman and her body any time he pleases in the future.

To argue in that manner would be to argue also that because I let the plumber into my house once five years ago to un-clog my kitchen pipes, with my consent, now means that same  plumber can just waltz into my house any time he wants to now and touch my pipes.

Just because I consented to let the auto mechanic down the street change the oil in my car six months ago at the local garage does not give that guy the right to get into my car today, change the oil, or drive the car around.

A one time “yes” of two days ago or ten years ago, does not equate to a lifetime “yes.”

Perhaps the most hypocritical part of the essay was this:

  • …Roiphe points out how smart young women who populate campuses are seemingly embracing the discarded stereotype of a woman who does not own her own actions, who is innocent, easily persuaded and manipulated; an image that women of her mother’s generation sought to dispel.

If anything or anyone is guilty of infantilizing women, it’s conservative Christian teachings about gender roles, dating, and marriage.

Under the rubric of “biblical womanhood,” “traditional gender role” or “gender complementarian” teachings, Christians tell Christian women to behave and think like little girls – though advocates of these positions may deny it, this is what their teachings boil down to in practice.

Christian women, in particular from evangelical, Reformed, fundamentalist, and Baptist backgrounds, get the repeated message from parents, churches, Christian material (such as books, blogs, etc) that a woman’s only  acceptable or suitable role in life is to be a wife and mother.

As a wife, they are told, their husband has authority over them, and they are to “graciously submit” to that husband. Christian women in abusive marriages are counseled by preachers to stay with abusive husband and to continually submit to him.

For examples of that, see these off site links:

(Link): Preacher John Piper: Wives should “endure” abuse “for a season”

(Link): Paige Patterson has never retracted his words on wife beating

Those are common views among conservative Christians concerning women in abusive marriages. I said COMMON, those are not rare, those are not exceptions.

Christian women are taught from the time they are young that they are always to put the needs and feelings of other people before their own.

Christian women are taught and pressured from the time they are girls and as adults that they are always to say “yes” to other people’s requests, no matter what.

Christian women are taught by most other Christians and conservative Christian culture that conflict is bad or wrong and to be avoided.

Therefore, many Christian women raised in such families or environments never get any practice at developing assertive life skills, disagreeing with others, standing up to people, defending themselves.

Conservative Christians raise females with the expectation that a good, biblical female is one who is constantly quiet, sweet, un-assertive, doesn’t make choices for herself, doesn’t challenge or disagree with people, especially never men.

Christian women are, in other words, fed a steady diet of Codependency, and they taught that being Codependent is God’s will for every woman’s life.

Women who are raised like this are incapable of making decisions for themselves. They tend to cave in quickly when they are too afraid to stand up to a person who is demanding something of them. The word “no” gets caught in their throat.

This puts Christian women in a dangerous position, from the time she is a kid, teen, and into her adult years, unless and until she visits therapists and reads books by doctors who explain it’s not mean, uh-Christ-like, bitchy, or selfish for a woman to say “no” and to have boundaries.

Here’s an example that happens to a lot of women a lot as they grow up and even into their adulthoods (this happened to me a lot):

If a strange man approaches a woman on the street asking for help, the woman’s instinct or gut tells her this man is possibly a mugger or a rapist, but she don’t want to hurt his feelings, offend the man, or appear as a bitch.

After all, their mothers, Christian pastors, and books about men and dating, raised them that Christian girls are ALWAYS sweet, helpful, and nice, and should not put even their own safety ahead of a stranger in need – so instead of running away or making an otherwise quick exit, which they should do, they let the strange man approach them and talk to them.

And all the while, they have butterflies in their stomach, worried if this man is going to harm them or not.

By the way, a lot of rapists prey on women using this as a tactic and use this to exploit women.

Ted Bundy, the serial killer, used to put a cast on his arm, and approach young women asking them for help, to carry things to his car. He knew they did not want to appear bitchy or mean, so they would help him out. Once they were by his car, he wound knock them out, toss their bodies in his car, drive away, and kill them.

Rapists, muggers, etc, count on women caring more about others than their own safety, they rely on women caring more about appearing nice, sweet, and “Christian” then they do about their own safety, and they exploit these traits to get female victims.

And Christians keep right on teaching women to be easy targets for rapists, con artists, abusive boyfriends, and muggers.

Yes indeed, it’s conservative Christian teaching itself which causes some Christian women to be raped, mugged, or killed.

It’s not always the fault of secular feminism, university campus parties, or alcohol drinking that is to blame for rape, but the cultural and Christian pressure on women from the time they are young, to always be compliant, lack boundaries, and afraid to say No to anyone.

The ideal biblical, Christian woman to most Christians is a passive, wimpy, sweet, subservient, woman who will never stand up for herself, never utter a negative comment.

And it’s precisely those kinds of women abusive men and rapists love to choose as their victims.

Christian gender role teachings set women up to be enticing, easy targets for con artists, rapists, abusive husbands, but then Christians – such as Ferguson – who write those awful articles, blame the women for being raped.

Christians who pressure girls and women to abide by gender complementarian teachings (which is nothing but codependency) set women up to be rape victims, conditions them to act and think like victims, but then they turn around and blame them if they are raped.

It’s demonic, evil, and very deplorable to set women up to be assaulted, and then blame them if or when they are assaulted. The Christian Post really should delete that article.

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Related posts:

(Link):  How Feminists Are Making Women Easier Rape Targets

(Link):  Southern Baptist’s New Sexist “Biblical Woman” Site – Attitudes in Total Face Palm of a Site One Reason Among Many This Unmarried and Childless Woman Is Saying Toodle-Oo to Christianity

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link): The “Feminization” of the Church by K R Wordgazer

(Link): Population Decline and Bay-bee Obsession – Patriarchy, Quiverfull, Traditional Family, Christian Gender Complementarian Nuts

Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches? by Sandra Crawford Williamson (Also discusses never married adult women)

Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches? by Sandra Crawford Williamson (Also discusses never married adult women)

As has been covered many times on this blog, and in a few books about adult singles by other Christian authors, most conservative churches (Baptists, Reformed / Calvinist and evangelicals are the worst), continue to marginalize, ignore, or insult anyone who does not fit their ideal of “Married parent.”

If you are never married, divorced, widowed, infertile, and don’t fit the dated June Cleaver stereotype of stay at home wife and mother, you will either be overlooked regularly, or insulted.

(Link): Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches? by Sandra Crawford Williamson

Excerpts

  • By Sandra Crawford Williamson on December 5, 2014
  • When we look in the pews on Sunday morning, what kinds of women do we see?Wives with their husbands? Mothers with their children? The single women sitting alone in the back rows?

    Yes, they are all of those things and so much more. How do we use these women to grow and serve the church?

    Camouflaged in Church

    In America, 47% of the workforce is made up of women, and the percentage has doubled in every age category since 1950, according to the U.S. Congress Joint Economic Committee. The Committee also reports that 83% of women raising children work outside of the home, compared to 47% in 1975. AND a whopping 75% of them work full-time!

    These women are out there. In fact, We may not realize that half of the women in the church are working women, because they are camouflaged.

    We’re not talking about green outfits. No, her camouflage looks different. Her camouflage is her Sunday-best, children calling her “Mommy,” and maybe a strong, spiritual husband beside her. She blends with others because there is no other group for her.

    And what about the single women who don’t get married until later in life? They don’t fit into the different affinity groups:  “moms”, “married”, “divorced.” And the “singles” are often college-aged/recent graduates that don’t relate to them either.

    Many of these women haven chosen to not marry yet and are in the workplace, but they often quietly slip in and out of church to avoid the sympathy, advice, and blind dates that are thrown their way. Sadly, they may end up seeing themselves as “not-mothers” and “not-wives” instead of someone who is pursuing her Ephesians 2:10 calling in the workplace.

    What the Church Isn’t Seeing

    In the church, there is no way for us to see that one of these women may wake up Monday morning and run a multi-billion dollar firm, argue a legal case, or manage a $500 million investment portfolio.

    There’s no way for us to see the constant spiritual warfare she faces in the workplace, her mission field. They are game-changers, bravely facing the corporate world and all the challenges that it holds.

  • These women are also in need of encouragement and support as they leave the church walls after the service and get thrown into the competitive, often harsh corporate world.Let’s change our view of them, see them for all they are, and help them.

    Why are Working Women Starting to Unplug from Their Churches?

    We need to figure out quickly how to recognize, encourage, and spiritually lead these women. Barna and others say as many as 27% of professional Christian women are starting to choose to unplug from church all together. Why is that?

    Evidence says four reasons are given as to why she chooses to stay home from church.

    1. The examples from the pulpit don’t pertain to me because they are often about men in business and women in the home.

    Psychology tells us that if a human doesn’t see themselves in a picture, they will put it down and be uninterested. The professional women in the pew need to see and hear themselves painted into the spiritual message picture on Sunday morning, and beyond, in a way that pertains to her life.

    Takeaway: Messages could include more examples of women doing things outside of the home.

  • 2. I am underutilized at church so I don’t feel my spiritual gifts are recognized or respected.
  • Even though these women have giftedness outside of traditional home skills, they are often only asked to make casseroles and work in the church nursery.
  • These women may not be asked to serve on church committees, even though the topics may be her Monday – Friday areas of expertise.
  • Add this example to the facts that she is already very busy and that only 20% of humans respond to a need when asked to volunteer, and you get a major untapped resource inside your church that may leave because she is not called upon to use her gifts.
  • Takeaway: Find her and her gifts and use her for God’s glory INSIDE the church.
  • 3. I feel isolated at church because there is no bucket into which I fit.
  • These women look around and see all of the buckets of people that are being served, such as “the young marrieds,” “the singles,” “the youth,” “the married with children,” “empty-nesters,” “divorced,” “retired,” etc., and do not find a label that fully encompasses all they are.
  • She is a woman AND a business leader. Her daily challenges are unique. Yet, there is no unique group that addresses all of the life parts with which she is faced.
  • Takeaway: Start an authentic Women in Business movement in your church by tapping into a few key women and give them the appropriate support.

Read the rest at: Why Are Working Women Unplugging From the Church

Regarding this part:

  • 1. The examples from the pulpit don’t pertain to me because they are often about men in business and women in the home.

I made the same point here, (Link):   Candice Watters and Boundless Blog Gets It Wrong / Christian prolonged singlehood singleness singles ignored

You see, there are actually Christians who believe the solution to helping singles who desire marriage to get married is for preachers to talk about and sermonize about marriage even more than they already do. I pointed out what a big mistake that is.

You must meet people where they are, not lecture them to where you hope they will be one day.

That is, so long as I remain single, I want my singleness to be supported and discussed, which means, if preachers are going to sermonize about marriage (and they do so, quite often), they sometimes need to discuss adult singleness on occasion.

As a never married woman who is past the age of 40, I do not need to hear my one billionths marriage sermon. I have sat thru many, many marriage sermons. I don’t need to hear another one. It would not kill the married persons in the congregation to hear a sermon about adult singleness every so often.

See this post:

(Link): The Netherworld of Singleness for Some Singles – You Want Marriage But Don’t Want to Be Disrespected or Ignored for Being Single While You’re Single

Adult singles need to be met where they are- which means, they need to hear material that is applicable to them. Preachers who never shut their pie holes up about marriage are driving adult singles away from churches, they are not encouraging such singles to run out and get married.

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Related:

(Link): The Irrelevancy To Single or Childless or Childfree Christian Women of Biblical Gender Complementarian Roles / Biblical Womanhood Teachings

(Link): If the Family Is Central, Christ Isn’t

(Link):  More Women Are Leaving Behind Religious Identities For Something More Spiritual

(Link): Is The Church Failing Childless Women? by Diane Paddison

(Link): Lies The Church Tells Single Women (by Sue Bohlin)

(Link): Are Marriage and Family A Woman’s Highest Calling? by Marcia Wolf – and other links that address the Christian fallacy that a woman’s most godly or only proper role is as wife and mother

(Link):  The Masculinity Myth: The Real Reason Men Don’t Go to Church by the Evangelical Pulpit

(Link):  Southern Baptist’s New Sexist “Biblical Woman” Site – Attitudes in Total Face Palm of a Site One Reason Among Many This Unmarried and Childless Woman Is Saying Toodle-Oo to Christianity

(Link): Why Unmarried – Single Christians including MEN Should Be Concerned about the Gender Role Controversy

I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M. Notkin

I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M Notkin

About the page I’m linking to below by Melanie Notkin, I relate.

I was engaged at one point to a guy and broke things off. He wasn’t right for me. I was miserable in the relationship, and I was not about to marry someone who I couldn’t even stand being engaged to.

I do not understand why so many people assume that folks who have never dated, never married, or who have not dated in years, are suspect or lacking, they assume that there must be something wrong with the person.

Just because someone has never dated, never married, or has gone years without being in a serious relationship, does not necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the person.

It can be very difficult to meet a match as you go through life, and some of us are not willing to lower our standards to date just anyone (being single is a much better choice than being with the wrong person or with dating an abuser or a jerk).

I can hazard a guess as to why I’ve never married at my age, and I won’t list all the reasons here, and in the overall scheme, I’m not sure why I’ve never married.

I do have a few hunches about contributing factors, though.

First of all, I was raised in a Christian environment that taught me to be very passive about marriage. I was supposed to “wait on the Lord’s timing,” pray, have faith, and God would magically send me a spouse. But that never happened.

Secondly, though I had wanted to marry, I was not in desperation mode about it. I know it’s a mistake to marry someone who is wrong for you just for the sake of marrying.

Thirdly, I am a huge introvert. Meaning, I do fine alone and actually prefer alone time. I hate parties and social events.

I do fine with being alone for long stretches of time, so unlike women who are clingy, needy, and who base their self worth on if they have a man or not, and who absolutely have to have a man because they cannot stand being alone, I was and am okay with being alone. I also don’t base my value or worth in having a spouse.

I think some of my views are actually pretty healthy. I am not going to be rushed or pressured into marrying by anyone or anything.

You would think our culture would respect these sorts of wise choices, but more often than not, they do not. They choose to assume if you are still single at age whatever, or if it has been years since you dated, you must have some kind of flaw.

Here is the link. I have more comments below the excerpts:

(Link): I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me. by M. Notkin published October 2014

Excerpts:

  • I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. I’m focused on the moment I’m in right now. This is life. This is my life.
  • And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin.
  • Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. He swivels to face me, smiling, and I smile back. The date is off to a great start.
  • But soon enough, his tone changes. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin.

    First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. They describe their marriage and how it concluded, or why their recent long-term relationship finally had to end, as Brian’s had earlier this year. “We argued so much it no longer felt good to be in the relationship,” he volunteers. And now, as these exchanges go, it’s my turn to share why I’m still single.

    “Have you ever been married?” Brian asks.

    “No,” I say.

    “Have you come close? Like engaged or lived with someone?”

    “Nope,” I add.

    Brian presses his lips together in judgment. “When was your last long-term relationship?” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one.

    “It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his.

    “But you’re attractive and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single.

  • … “So, what’s the issue?” he asks. “I can’t believe you would still be single. You must be picky.”We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot.

    “Of course I’m picky,” I say with confidence. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.”

  • … “Some people choose to focus on their careers and some choose to have families,” my date says emphatically, making the assumption that because I haven’t had a family, I’ve made my choice.”I didn’t choose to have a career over falling in love, getting married and having children,” I reply, my voice again slightly raised.
  • (Link): Click Here To Read The Entire Page, (“I’m over 40, never married, childless, and no, there’s nothing “wrong” with me”)

Additional thoughts: I find guys like the “Brian” mentioned above to be very annoying. I probably would not have been anywhere near as patient and nice as Notkin was to the guy.

I would have told Brian that it’s rude and presumptuous of him to make negative assumptions about my singlehood, to pester me about my single status, and all further questions about it are off limits.

By the way – I wonder why people divorce.

I don’t think making it to the altar to start with is a great feat, if you lack standards. I think marriage is harder for people who are not willing to marry just to marry, but if you are willing to drop standards and marry due to societal expectations, you can marry quickly.

Anyway, the double standard drives me nuts.

Many in our culture assumes a never-married 35 or 40 year old is suspect, but I have the opposite bias.

I often suspect people who have been divorced are the ones who have issues.

If you were a great, or normal, or a stable person, your marriage should have worked out.

What’s wrong with you, Mr. Divorced Guy, that you could not stay married to the same woman, and here you are, hitting on me on a dating site?

See how that works? I bet divorced and married people don’t like being subjected to these sorts of prejudices, but they do this all the time to people who have never married, or who have not dated in months or years.

It’s possible this Brian guy is a literary device that Notkin came up with to summarize the many negative assumptions culture holds about never married singles, but I have seen similar attitudes in real life or on other websites about singles.

I sometimes see total losers who get married (I have a series of posts on this blog called “They’re married??” you should check out for examples, see also this post for examples of total losers and dregs who for some reason managed to snag a mate), and I sometimes like to ask these people, “How did an ugly / weird / child molesting weirdo loser like you get a spouse????” – but I’ve so far not asked anyone that question.

I mean, seriously, if culture is going to stigmatize people who never marry and assume there is something wrong with us, I say never married adults need to ask their unattractive, fat, or weird, loser married friends, “How did you get married? I don’t get it. You have no redeeming qualities I can see, yet someone married you – was it desperation on their part?”

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Related posts on this blog:

(Link):  My Secret Grief. Over 35, Single and Childless by Melanie Notkin

(Link):  Otherhood – An overlooked demographic – the Childless and Childfree Women and Singles Especially Women Who Had Hoped to Marry and Have Kids But Never Met Mr. Right (links)

(Link):  Why is the childfree singleton a curiosity? by V Blackburn

(Link): ‘Why Are You Single’ Lists That Do Not Pathologize Singles

(Link): Another Obnoxious ‘Why You’re Not Married Yet‘ Article

(Link): A Long Time Single Responds to a ‘Why You’re Not Married’ Article

(Link): Myths About Never Married Adults Over Age 40

(Link): Slut? Selfish? Sad? No, just a single woman (editorial)

(Link): 34 Year Old Single Woman Harassed by Relatives at Wedding Over Why She Is Not Married Yet Asks How To Get Them to STFU About Her Singleness

(Link): I’m Single, But I’m Still a Whole Person (article)